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RE: ring vs collar - 4/24/2007 7:05:01 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		Being collared vs. being married.

I've collared one boy, and been collared once. Both relationships had a lot of love behind them, but neither collar truly represented an intention of living the rest of our lives together, and neither was fully thought out. Both collars have been removed.

A marriage has legal implications, and it is harder to end than a collared relationship.

I can wear a wedding ring in public, and tell anyone I know about the relationship and have it be socially acceptable. A collar is something I can only wear discretely, and only share the relationship with certain people who understand, or I have to take lots of time explaining it.

When I first got married, it was about first blush, being in love, and happily ever after. I was young, naive, and innocent. Getting back out of the marriage was an insane hassle.

When I gave my collar, I was older, more mature. I meant to him that I was making a commitment, that I welcomed him as part of my home (he never moved in), that I wanted our relationship to be a big part of my life and his life both, not some afterthought. He still had growing to do. Releasing him was painful, but inevitable at the time.

When I was collared, just a year or two later, he meant that he wanted to take more control, that he wanted our power exchange to be full time, that he wanted our relationship to go deeper. We had other relationship issues to work out, and I released myself, to major pain. We are, however, still together as a couple and I am still his sub.

Now? A ring means "I want to live with you, make a life with you, share legal benefits with you. I want to declare you to my friends, my co-workers, and my family. I want you to have rights if I should die, or go into a coma. I care enough about you to want those rights if you should die or go into a coma. I want to be declared to your friends, your co-workers, and your family."

A collar means "I want to control you. I want a long term power exchange with you." But unfortunately, that's all it means.

~E

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: ring vs collar - 4/24/2007 7:20:49 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		IMO..a collar is what the D/s couple make of it, personally I look upon it as a commitment,without the usual legal hassles accompanying a ring of marriage.I kind of relate the collar too a little bit different set of vows than those in a marriage ceremony, but both contain vows and promises nonetheless.Which do I think is more important?..neither..both are good for some and just one is good for others...congratulations OP.....Tempting

(in reply to Elorin)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 4:10:58 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I've been engaged, married divorced and collared (in that order), so I guess I can chime in on this topic.

I think perhaps.... maybe?.... the difference between collaring and engagements/marriage, aside from the legal ramifications is more societal in nature. A collar is something, by necessity in may cases, that must remain private. It's not open. You don't see submissives in the office running around with their head in the air happily crowing that they had just been collared. On the other hand, a woman who's gotten engaged can do so with her hand in the air and everyone's faces and no one minds. They're genuinely happy for her and congratulations are heard all over the place.

Give a collar on the other hand and have a submissive do that, and what she's likely to hear is "he's one of THOSE?!" "How could you ever DO that?!" and so on and so on.

Engagements involve calls home to mom and dad and general hand shaking "welcome to the family son" kind of stuff. Collars broadcast can get your dominant kicked out of your parents' house and the risk of never hearing the end of it from the moms and dads worried that their dominant son or daughter is a pervert "How could I have raised you that way?!" or that their son "isn't a man" or that their daughter is not a strong woman.

Either way, a collaring - between the two people involved and their supportive friends - is a wonderful thing. But it IS less societally acceptable, and for all our claims that we don't care what society thinks, it's exactly the ability to be open about what we do without fear of ramifications that makes engagements different than collarings.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 4/25/2007 4:11:47 AM >

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 7:22:27 AM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

Well, it's been a while since I've spelunked in here.

And something has come up to make me wonder.

I've just gotten engaged.  (Sunday)

I've always seen people making comments about the similarities between getting collared and getting married.

Now that I am engaged, I see and feel some of the similarities, but I'm also now noticing the differences as well, and what they mean to me.

I'm curious to see what other people think, and their own personal experiences with the two.



FIRSTLY..CONGRATS
ahh a personal topic for me. i am a married woman..to a sexy ass vanilla man. is my ring a collar? very very much so. just think..you want to leave your dom cause its not working out...ok goodbye. you want to leave your husband..oh god the drama. i love my hubby and have no intentions of leaving him but its difficult sometimes. if the person you ar eengaged to is not into this scene and you feel a strong pull to it which im thinking you do...make sure he knows all about it first. that being said is he willing to share? I really think poly relationships are great..but their nto for everyone.

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 9:45:49 AM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

I'm thoroughly enjoying and toiling over everything everyone is saying.  This has been one of the more honest and productive sets of responses I've gotten in a thread in a while.

I should probably clarify a couple of things, which, in my excitement didn't include in my OP.

Yes, we live together, we are both in tune and interested in BDSM and are practicing.  We do not though, have a concrete solid set of dynamics.  We are completely freeform as two switches right now and happy to just explore together.

But I do have to say, that I think even though unspoken, he and I both feel just a little bit, that with this ring, I'm one step closer to being his and has just heightened some of the emotion behind how we interact with each other and perhaps even refreshed us a bit, lol.

Disregarding eveything about the typical connotation behind an engagement ring, seen as something so vanilla, I personally do not feel just that vanilla happiness.  I feel so much more than those things that others see through that ring. 


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 10:16:03 AM   
MasterGremlin


Posts: 230
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline 		For us the collar has more significance and meaning. Minxy's collar is a custom made piece of jewelry that she wears 24/7. The ring was inexpensive and purchased more because it's something the outside world expects to see (at the time we were beyond broke so it was all I could afford) and I do not wear a ring at all (hate wearing stuff on my hands and wrists, just a weird individual quirk I have). A marriage license provides many legal rights and as we've added a third person I've been contimplating the issue for her as she needs to have some type of legal contract to protect her rights when we get to that level of commitment. In reality in this day and age getting a legal divorce is not that difficult to do, so in my mind a legal marriage does not provide an unbreakable sign of commitment.

For us, a collar is a commitment to the relationship and each other. It reminds minxy that no matter what the issues are that we may be dealing with (and in a long term relationship you will have issues) that there is security in her place. And seeing that collar around her neck reminds me of my responsibilities as an owner, so as those discussions get heated I am reminded of my responsibilities to the relationship and to her.

For me getting a divorce is simply a matter of giving $500 (or whatever the going rate is) to a lawyer, uncollaring her would be a sign of my dismal failure to protect her and our relationship. Uncollaring would be much more difficult to do for me and I believe for her as well.

MG

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 11:40:48 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

Well, it's been a while since I've spelunked in here.

And something has come up to make me wonder.

I've just gotten engaged.  (Sunday)

I've always seen people making comments about the similarities between getting collared and getting married.

Now that I am engaged, I see and feel some of the similarities, but I'm also now noticing the differences as well, and what they mean to me.

I'm curious to see what other people think, and their own personal experiences with the two.



I've never been married or collared so you can take my perspective with a grain of salt.  To me a marriage means that two people are entering into a partnership and declaring their love and intentions for a long term partnership.  But to me a partnership means equals so I still can't quite get the concept of D/s or M/s couples marrying (unless they are planning on spawning or medical benefits or some other sort of strictly pragmatic reason - but for purposes of entering into a partnership and declaring love I can't qute get with a Ds or Ms couple).

Collaring to me means the intention to enter into a long term kink relationship.  These days I'm not even convinced that a collaring represents any sort of authority transfer, control transfer, power exchange, etc.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 11:53:11 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

A collar is something, by necessity in may cases, that must remain private. It's not open. You don't see submissives in the office running around with their head in the air happily crowing that they had just been collared. On the other hand, a woman who's gotten engaged can do so with her hand in the air and everyone's faces and no one minds. They're genuinely happy for her and congratulations are heard all over the place.


That's our position too.  Hubby says i don't need a collar because i have a ring, but occassionally i wear one for a scene in private.

On a side note--not everyone you see who has a collar on is a sub.  I stuck my foot in my mouth a few weeks ago.  A friend of my daughter's is in a lesbian relationship and one of them always wears a collar. It's a leather one with a big ring hanging down the front. I was sitting with the other one watching bowling one day and i said i think it's great that she wears her collar in public.  The partner replied, yes she loves to dress that way, and i asked if they were in a D/s relationship and she said no, she just likes that look.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 1:37:27 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		I have a ring, and my slave has a collar.  There you go, and congratulations btw.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 2:25:00 PM   
BDOMsecret


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		That is lovely slave t.  I too cherrish my collar more than any ring i have ever received, but, like you said..  thats what works for me.
 
Congratulations Aine  *s*

_____________________________

Take care and be safe.
His o};-

(in reply to slave2MasterD)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 8:53:27 PM   
skGDM


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline 		I found the ring and collar to be very similar. Both are long term personal commitments. The ring is simply a mainstream way of showing your joining to someone else.
My collar is a private thing that others (vanilla) would never understand. My wedding ring speaks loud a clear to the vanilla world.
Both were given to me as a sign of ownership (for lack of better word....sort of) and received as a sign of submission.
In the BDSM world my collar is understood to mean I am taken.
The two simply say "taken"

(in reply to slave2MasterD)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 8:58:20 PM   
Mystique567


Posts: 273
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		Congratulations

(in reply to slave2MasterD)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 9:28:28 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: moki1984
just think..you want to leave your dom cause its not working out...ok goodbye. you want to leave your husband..oh god the drama.


i have to disagree with this...i have seen people just walk away, sometimes without even telling the other person, from at least two vanilla marriages (one my parents', one another close family member's)...whereas i cannot imagine just up and saying goodbye to Him. but that's just me.

back to the op...i look on the collar as an indefinite commitment, as a sign of loyalty, a sign of not just walking away when things get difficult. in that way, it's very similar to marriage...but there is something different about marriage for me, i guess, because i do really look forward to it with Him, whereas He does not put that much importance on it (then again, He's been married before). maybe it's because i have never been married before, only engaged for about a year (to my previous dominant). for some reason, even though i am already collared, i suppose i must have some different feelings about marriage because it still holds importance to me and it's something i still want to have, even though the collar is already a very deep commitment. i don't think marriage will necessarily be any deeper of a commitment for us - i can't imagine a deeper commitment. but i do think it will be a different kind of commitment, and that it will add another dimension to our relationship. it's kind of like what elorin said...the social part of it is for whatever reason important to me. i'm weird like that ;)


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: ring vs collar - 4/25/2007 10:07:13 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		I have 2 wedding rings. Twice i have promised to bla bla bla someone till death. Yeah, right. The first i was too young. We grew up and apart. The second, was not fulfilling my basic needs. Which had previously been agreed to. And i mean basic, like food when your 8 months pregnant.

Once i will be collared.
To me, the difference is vast.
I do not value marriage certificates any longer. (apart from legals) so there would be little spiritual joy in doing that a 3rd time. Yet my collaring was so different. Far more spiritual. Far more enduring in the world of me. Life events have carved this stance i hold. Im filled with my own experiences and prejudice. Im comfy with that.
little1

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: ring vs collar - 4/26/2007 8:38:19 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		First of all congrads. I hope I can still have fun snipping at you. A collar commits you to a lifestyle play partner. A ring commits you to a life partner. If you can combine both then you have the best of both worlds. This is how I see it. For those of you who dont agree tell it to someone who cares.

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: ring vs collar - 4/26/2007 8:52:50 AM   
opensoul


Posts: 77
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		 Always congrats to anyone who finds who they are looking for!!

I have been married twice with the thought it was forever, but we grew apart or what I thought they promised was not what they gave and we went different ways,
With this new lifestyle for me , I have found someone ,who talks about the good, bad and works with me to help me be the best I can be not just ,Oh now I have you I don't have to work on this relationship anymore. I am still in training and have not gotten permanent collared ,but a training collar. I feel more alive, loved and treasures for myself than I ever day being married.

Good luck and best wishes for all that you want

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: ring vs collar - 4/28/2007 7:30:25 AM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Fast Reply to no one in particular.

I know that in some cases, it's nice to have that little fantasy of being with one person for the rest of our lives.  Trust me, it's something that we all at one point loved to think about.  Yeah, I still think about it, especially now that I am engaged.

But I'm not so deluded as to think that something can't happen down the road.  Doesn't matter what it is.  Those that get married and are happy for life with one person are amazingly blessed and lucky.  Or those that don't even get married but are with one person for the rest of their natural lives.

I can venture a guess at my fate in love.  I can definitely hope that things will last as long as we want them to.  But I'm not going to say that for sure.  You can't predict things like that.

It's amazing how people that get to realize these things get so jaded rather than get a more reality fixed opinion. 

Accept that no matter what the base of the relationship is, it may or may not last forever.  I'm not saying don't shoot for it, just don't get so danged jaded of one type of relationship over another just because things didn't work out.

I understand that things mean what a person wants them to mean, but I think it's kind of sad that people give up so easily.  Yeah, breaking up sucks.  Getting a divorce sucks.  But there's no way of telling whether or not something is going to last.  All we can do is try.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to opensoul)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: ring vs collar - 4/28/2007 10:08:08 AM   
Stranger1


Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		Collars have no legal standing, marriage does.

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 38
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