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RE: Searching question. - 4/30/2005 8:47:41 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

dprsub, my understanding of 'submissive' (in D/s) is someone who submits to the will of a dominant.

It doesn't sound like are interested in doing that. If I understand you correctly, you want to play the role of a submissive so that you can satisfy your kink.

There are a lot of guys who fall into that category. Many of them balk at paying a pro domme for this service but it really is the best option. Otherwise you may never find someone to top you.

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 21

RE: Searching question. - 4/30/2005 8:56:58 PM

Spike1777

Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Have you consider seeing a professional dominatrix?

I think the seeing a pro-Domme makes great sense for dprsub. A simple exchange wih no strings attched.

But on the flip side of the coin. How about developing some skills that would benefit/please a Domme. If someone is looking for a ltr there is time to train and develop skills. There are tons of classes on cooking and basic domestic skills. And plenty of schools offer offer courses on massage. At the very least there are "how to" books from Amazon or even the local library.

For me it was some eight months, when my (then) pro-Domme friend had me switch the roles in my life. I did a little self assessment do determine what skills i had. This was great because it showed what i had to offer. But it also allowed me to concentrate on developing new skills.

There is also the opportunity to re-enforce old skills and present them in a new light. This for me is a servitude fetish. I can not tell how it is to see a Dommes eyes light up when they are politely served in some way. Like yesterday at the DomDonLA I was manning the FemDomme group's booth most of the day. In the booth right accross from me was the great Posche Lynn. I finally brought her some nice cold bottled water for refreshment, and her eyes lit up. Sometimes it feels so good to be pleasing to a Domme.

But for dprsub my question would simply be what skill(s) could be re-enforced and presented to a Domme for mutual benefit. I would have to say that his skill in simple repairs is a most valuable assest that needs to be developed and presented. I can not tell you how many times I have seen requests for slaves to serve as handyman slaves. Now this is a true need that i see over and over again in personals and in the slave request lists on various pro-Domme sites. So here is something that dprsub does well and is in need by many Dommes. So all dpr needs to do is polish this and present it to a Domme in need.

respectfully
little spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 22

RE: Searching question. - 5/1/2005 12:12:41 PM

dprsub

Posts: 37
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

I think I'm in the wrong place. I apologize for bothering anyone.

In retrospect, there seems to be a lot of miscommunication, partially because things are subjective. I've lurked in a lot of BDSM circles, from message boards to IRC, and everyone seems to have their own ideas about things. In some "communities" slave, submissive, and bottom are used interchangably, in others they are not. And of course, everyone has their own idea as to just what those words mean. In some places, Top/Master/Mistress are capitalized by convention as a sign of respect, in others, not. I've been in some where when I say "I" it should be lowercase, whereas here I get the impression that it would just look like im too lazy to punctuate

It seems that, at least here, it's pretty much expected for the bottom to do chores as part of the BDSM experience. I can tell you that that's a first in my own experience. You're perfectly free to think that your own ideas are more valid or whatnot; I'm not here to argue the point.

I have never, ever seen a source of information that defined a submissive as "someone who has to mow the lawn or something like that, too". Yes, for many people including yourselves, that might be your definition. But I am merely trying to say that it is by no means one which everyone shares.

Case in point: the last Dominant I spoke to was never referred to as a Dominant, but rather a Domme. She didn't seem to like to be called Mistress, and even before I met her she did not think that chores/"services" were a necessary part of BDSM. I wish I still had her as my D, but like everyone else she has a life outside of D/s, including her family. Her family (unmarried, but adopted kids) has always come first, as it rightly should, and it seems that she has disappeared permanently in order to better take care of them.

In my view, I do want to submit to the Dominant. I do want to do whatever he or she wishes, even if it is not comfortable for me. But that is stretching my own limits for him or her, and somehow I get satisfaction from that. I know the Internet is bogged down with a ridiculous ratio of males subs to, well, anyone else remotely interested in BDSM, so there will be lots of submissives who are into doing just about anything you can come up with. If someone says they aren't interested in being castrated, does that mean that they do not wish to submit to the will of the dominant person? How many people who would think that it does would have to tell you that it is so before it became "true"?

I have a habit of trying to lend a hand to anyone who I think I can. But to me, that's not part of BDSM, that's just trying to treat your fellow person well. But for me, doing something like, say, replacing a sink is work in the most mundane, monotonous sense and something which does an excellent job of snapping me out of a playful mood. Thus, while yes I can and probably will help out as I can, whether it's just a Dominant or not, to me it is seperate and distinct. And, to reiterate, a bit of a mood killer. Thusly, how can I pretend that doing such things is a skill even remotely related to BDSM?

I must admit, I have trouble understanding the Dominant viewpoint. For me, submitting is emotionally draining, yet also rewarding beyond words. I can't rationalize why I'd like it, but I do. From the messages I've seen accusing me of only being interested in my needs since I am not a service-er, I can only guess that it is draining for the people on top here too, yet not rewarding without services rendered. Perhaps you can't even understand why or how it could be different for someone else. That's fine, that's your thing, and with the high sub ratio odds are you'll find someone who is the missing piece to your puzzle no matter how many jokers might come along first.

I did not post here to try to get anyone to settle for less than they want. I'm just trying to find my own missing puzzle piece, if such a thing truely exists. I'm looking for someone who would derive as much pleasure out of interactions as I would. I want to be mutually fulfilling. If what I want and what I can give are not at all things you want, then that's fine. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong, just incompatible.

Someone said that I wouldn't budge on hard limits. That, to me, is the definition of a hard limit. A limit which you ARE able to stretch was called a soft limit, in my experience.

Perhaps there is no matching puzzle piece for me. I would love to say that I could do anything, anywhere, that the Dominant wanted; that I would have literally infinite energy to attend their every desire, no matter how great or small. I wish I could say I could copulate like a bunny from the crack of dawn till nightfall, or be able to stomach oral stimulation on any part of their body that they prefer. But, all of that are things that I cannot do, no matter how much I wish I could say I could. And, even if that makes me inferior to everyone else, it's something that I refuse to mislead upon.

If you're still reading this, I congratulate you on your patience. I never came here to bother anyone, it's just one place where I was hoping I might find a lead on what I am looking for. It would seem to me that I need to move on. I'd like to thank everyone for their time and patience.

< Message edited by dprsub -- 5/1/2005 1:34:45 PM >

(in reply to Spike1777)

Post #: 23

RE: Searching question. - 5/1/2005 12:39:12 PM

dprsub

Posts: 37
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

As far as pro-Dom(me) goes, I genuinely appreciate the suggestion. Deep down, though, it's hard to believe that something is mutually enjoyable if I'm having to pay the other person to do it. So I'm not so sure that's for me. I'll keep it in mind, but in the meantime I think I'll keep looking.

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 24

RE: Searching question. - 5/1/2005 12:40:55 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dprsub
In my view, I do want to submit to the Dominant. I do want to do whatever he or she wishes, even if it is not comfortable for me.

How do you reconcile this statement with what you say below?

quote:

replacing a sink is work in the most mundane, monotonous sense and something which does an excellent job of snapping me out of a playful mood. Thus, while yes I can and probably will help out as I can, whether it's just a Dominant or not, to me it is seperate and distinct. And, to reiterate, a bit of a mood killer.

What you want, as others have said, can be bought at a professional Dominatrix, where you can tell her about your fantasies, and she will decide weather or not to play with you.
You say you don't do sex, and you don't mow the lawn, exactly what do you do (rhetorical)? Personally I don't need a man/sub for shopping or friendship if he doesn't do those things you say you don't do, but maybe that's just me. In a D/s relationship, it's not about being in the mood for sex/play all the time, not even most of the time in my view. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 25

RE: Searching question. - 5/1/2005 2:43:33 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dprsub
I think I'm in the wrong place. I apologize for bothering anyone.

Oh, I don't know. I think the discussion has been polite on both sides and I honestly don't think you will hear very different advice elsewhere.

quote:

I have never, ever seen a source of information that defined a submissive as "someone who has to mow the lawn or something like that, too". Yes, for many people including yourselves, that might be your definition. But I am merely trying to say that it is by no means one which everyone shares.

Well, yes. Doing chores to help your dominant is something you find to be "a mood killer" and irrelevant to BDSM. As you said it snaps you "out of a playful mood".

But this is an important point - in a relationship people are not always in a playful mood.

There is so much more to a relationship than playing. People have ordinary lives, and require ordinary conversations. And in the course of human interaction, we do things to help our friends. If you are looking for a D/s relationship I think it is sensible to want to do things which help your dominant. These favors are "no-strings attached" activities that will improve your dominant's life. You won't necessarily feel great satisfaction from doing them - you might even dislike scrubbing toilets. But you do them because your dominant is a friend and because doing these things are the nature of friendship.

I think you are not looking for a relationship but simply a regular play partner. And I wish you well in this. I don't know how easy this search will be, but I think you will have difficulty.

You have mentioned that you are open to male Doms, which should, at least, double your chances.

< Message edited by onceburned -- 5/1/2005 2:46:12 PM >

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 26

RE: Searching question. - 5/1/2005 2:46:58 PM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

As I said before, I just think he has some unusual kinks, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, that is not necessarily the D/s lifestyle. BlkTallFullfig, I agree with you; there is another point that has to be made concerning the sexual aspects as a part of the lifestyle. He speaks about the chores not making him feel "playful," and ruining the mood. I'm not sure if he thinks playing/scening is what the majority of our time is spent on, as much as he has the fictional picture of a Domme cracking a whip making him be "nasty", and him liking it, whenever he is up for it. I truly wish him luck in his endeavor.

< Message edited by kc692 -- 5/1/2005 3:21:46 PM >

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 27

RE: Searching question. - 5/1/2005 3:04:58 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

No, you are not in the wrong place. This is as good a place as any you will get as far as finding a play partner.

Not all femdoms are into domestic duties. I don't want a houseboy. My main kink is bondage, everything else falls into place around it. So yes, in some ways someone like me would be ideal for you -- I love to bind, torment, tease, inflict certain amounts of pain -- but most importantly make a man endure something for me because he wants to please me. I am also currently sexually monogamous, so sex isn't even an issue.

But what makes it a disconnect is the motivation of the sub for these acts. Most (if not all) submit because they want to please their partner -- in my case, my subs generally want to "turn me on" -- pure and simple. They are very driven by my sexual pleasure, even if we are not going to have sexual intercourse. Regardless, the spark between us is one of a sexual/sensual energy -- that cannot be denied.

Arousal seems to be a common thing between two partners, and often is the "music" of the dance that is done. You seem to want the "rush" of submission, helplessness -- the "sensations" of restriction, immobility. But nothing of the "thrill" of pleasing your partner (sexually) because of this you have no interest. Whether she is wet or not wet -- it really is of no consequence to you. Not instinctively, biologically, or emotionally.

Now, you see where the problem is -- as a submissive to a het femdom who engages in power exchange for the "rush" of erotic control, what buttons can she expect to be pushed? If you look at it this way, she could just as easily bind, blindfold, flog or clamp a stuffed doll. (I use this extreme example to make a point).

Other than the pro femdom suggestion I've given, I think your chances of finding a play partner interested in experimenting would work only if they viewed it as experimentation -- ie, need a body to use to get the feel for it.

If you are exceptionally attractive or possess a lot of charisma, you also might have the opportunity to be a bondage subject for a femdom's shows or videos.

Other than that, you have to realize that femdoms have a desire to do the things we do (and the things you want) for completely different reasons than you do -- and that's why expectations are not meeting up.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 28

RE: Searching question. - 5/1/2005 3:11:45 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

I know I am not a Dominant dpr, but I hope it was ok to reply.

I can see you have many things whirring around in your head, just by reading your words. For a moment, if you can - stop and think exactly what you have to 'give'. What makes you, you? Look to the positive parts you can give to a relationship. And go from there.

You seem to be concerned that what is seen as service, isn't bdsm. Maybe is isn't in the context that bdsm is seen by the world - but then, the reality is that BDSM relationships are each unique.(Just like all relationships)

Domination and submission is 'linked' into BDSM... but BDSM is only a part of BDSM, for some.

Sex isn't always an issue in a D/s relationship.

Nor is it in BDSM.

BDSM is an acronym that helps group all the kinks together, but it should never be viewed as restricting. There are many limits that you may have hard or soft... but you mustn't feel swamped or gulity about them or feel 'left out' just because it seems that you do not follow the 'norm'. It isn't about normality, its about finding a place to feel comfortable to be yourself.

The reason you may not be able to release yourself from your 'hard limits', is probably because you havent found someone you can trust and give those to. And you have so much time to find that. Please don't feel disheartened. It does happen, but find yourself and then everything will come to you in time.

It can be frustrating when it seems that your needs or kinks seem 'alien' to most people - but there are others who can and will respond to what you can offer, but you need to be open about what you have to give.

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 29

RE: Searching question. - 5/3/2005 10:33:14 PM

Spike1777

Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline

Hi dprsub, it has been a busy few days. DomComLA was fabulously fun.

i usually stick pretty close to the FemDom. in fact all of the Tops that i know are Dommes. it was a real change to be around Doms at he convention. There was one Dom who was real cool, Le Marquis de Valmont. He gave a lecture on slave Protocol and came to watch the slave/servant positionns lecture. There were only two slaves there learning positions. We were on stage performing the positions at the time. he said at the Protocol lecture that he was looking for a couple of male slaves for his mansion, sort of a bondage bed and bath he called it. really something to dream about.

i agree that some Dommes don't like to be called Mistress. i usually refer to a Domme as Ms unless she is actually Dominating me at the time. i think that i is the ownership thing. a slave/subie is owned by the Mistress, so a Domme replies: I don't own you so you should not call me Mistress.

Ya know chores are a fact of life. the time spent mowing the lawn relieves the Top to do more self enhancing things. i have a serrvitude fetish, so i love to see the Domme pleased.

there is a message board you might check out: www.femmedomme.com the owner Lady Lily was sharing the booth

littile Spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 30

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 5:43:53 PM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

dprsub ... you want to play ... and yes there are women out there who absolutely love playing with men with your array of kinks ... if it was me, and I wanted something done, and you were there, you'd be doing it ... feeding my cat, running a bath, vaccumming, whatever ... albeit possibly while wearing a frilly pink dress and cuddlying a dolly... which I see as no different to telling you to bend over a chair for 30 minutes, or dancing an irish jig, or dressing in a kangeroo suit and bouncing around the house saying "I'm a roo! I'm a roo!" ... the way I see it , its not the *acts* that make you subserivent, it is the *doing* it because someone else seeks it of you.

Good luck on your search.

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

Visit My Website

(in reply to Spike1777)

Post #: 31

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 6:15:35 PM

dprsub

Posts: 37
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

Hi everyone. Sorry for letting the messages lag behind but life has been kind of piling up on me and I need to dig my way out of it.

If anyone asked anything that I didn't respond to in this thread, I'm sorry. I've barely got enough time to rattle off this note before I have to go.

BDSM is a funny thing, where "punishment" can be good, it can be bad, it can be good-bad, bad-good, ad nauseum. BDSM means many things to many people, and if someone thinks that I have to be a good serve-er, then so be it. I'm not, and I know at least one other person didn't think so (my Domme).

I've seen servicing spoken of as being trueley selfless, and I feel it's being implied that I, as a non-service person, am therefore selfish. "What about the Dom(me)'s needs?" and all. Well, I guess a D who needs that isn't a good match for me, and vice versa. I'm a little mortified by the implication that just because I don't do yardwork or somesuch that I care only for myself. Here's 3 quick reasons why:
1) This implies that the D is getting less out of the things that are enjoyable to both parties. I'm trying to explicitly say that I am looking for someone with whom I can enjoy things TOGETHER. Although I cannot have sex, vanilla or kinky, it's the best comparison I can conjure: it's something mutually shared by both people. It's not one person engaging in it with someone who does not want it. Well, not without breaking some serious laws, anyway.

2) The "selfish/unselfish" thing. I hate to say this, but any person who claims to enjoy doing something because it's "unselfish" is, actually, being selfish. They enjoy doing it because it makes them feel good, whether the notion of it being "unselfish" is part of that or not. It's a grand paradox of the general lifestyle, and one which I must confess I partially share. But if someone approached me and said they were not ready to do something which I am for a D, I would prefer to think that I would not consider them less for it.

3) If I am not able to provide something, I refuse to pretend otherwise. Call it honesty. Call it courtesy. Call it whatever you like; all I know is I will not mis-represent myself and waste others' time. I'm certain I could keep up the facade, and actually service in person the person in question for a while, but I could not keep it up forever. And then what? Let down the person who trusted me enough to have me as a sub? No thanks.

4) I am filled with self-doubt, and thus I honestly cannot come up with an honest reply as to questions such as "Why would anyone want you?" --either as a sub/slave/bottom/whatever-term-you-personally-think-fits, but the only thing I do know is that others have. All but my previous Domme still made me doubt myself, though, as they took on submissive boyfriends, promised me I wasn't being replaced, then went ahead and did it anyway.

The exception is the last Domme I had, who did have other subs, who were able and willing to please her in a carnal manner. She had even more approach her, which she would reject. She saw something in me, and I was always afraid that I was letting her down. I'd ask her why she wanted me, and she'd tell me not to worry so much. I asked her how I could be a better sub, and she said... well, you can start by not worrying so much.

Then she hit a rough spot in her life. When I'm depressed, I tend to think more of BDSM. She thought less. And it seems like, as the days turned to weeks turned to months, all those sporty little subs that I felt so inferior to, who I was afraid I would be left for, instead left her. All the ones that swore that they had no concern for themselves and would worship her as a goddess, who would take care of her every need and desire and whim, quietly went the other way when once the promise of D/S fulfillment went away.

Through all that, I stayed by her side. I can't explain why. I was her sub, it's true, but I was also a real person with a real heart who saw that someone important to me needed someone to lean on. And that's exactly what I intended to give her, from one real, breathing person to another.

Any of you may think less of me because I am not a service-or. You may also claim that the other submissives who wooed her simply were subpar. She seemed to have a lot of hopefuls and seemingly few that were ever accepted, so I would tend to think that the fallout was not from having to settle for less.

I've been sitting here, wondering if there's more than just coincidence. Wondering if the reason why she wanted me in the first place was she could somehow see that quality --loyalty, compassion, stupidity, just plain stubborn-ness, whatever it is --in me even though I could not.

All I know for certain is that I was not one of the many who were turned away before her time of need, and I was also still there for her during it, doing whatever I could to help her through. And personally, I'd prefer to say that I was there as a sub, a friend, or whatever else I might qualify as, when she needed it the most than to claim that I had cleaned her house 1000 times before and left her high and dry.

I do not mean to lament. I do not mean to preach. But as someone who always worried if they weren't good enough, that they were too limited to make themselves worth the other person's while, it is one event that I can look back upon and say, with a glint of hope, that yes, maybe I can offer something after all, and yes, maybe I wasn't a the disappointment to her that I always feared I was.

< Message edited by dprsub -- 5/4/2005 7:25:31 PM >

(in reply to Spike1777)

Post #: 32

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 7:00:34 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Jasmyn has explained it well. It is not the acts but the willingness to do the acts because your Domina requires it of you. That is what makes a good submissive boy.
you are a "bottom". I am sure you have many fine qualities that would make you a wonderful supportive friend, and in addition you enjoy certain BDSM actvities. If that is all a lifestyle Domina will require of you, then you may find your Lady.
We are simply saying that most lifestyle Dominas require more than a sympathetic friend who will also engage in some fun BDSM activites at times. We can go to any dungeon party and get that!
As far as the selfishness is concerned, you may call it selfishness. I prefer to look at it as a Win-Win situation. We all have needs. What you seem to be willing to give is very limited for the typical 24/7 D/s relationship. If I have to go to work everyday and then come home and do the cooking and the cleaning, I am definitely going to be too tired to tie you up or play some diaper games. An absolute "mood killer" for Me. The submissive and slave boys who enjoy doing these things for their Domme are also deriving much satisfaction from knowing they have eased the Dominant's load, She is happy, they are happy, they are energized, and then they get to have playtime too! Yes, a wonderful Win-Win relationship.
you need to find your own win-win situation.
It is nice to hear that you stuck it out with your Domme while She was going through a rough time. It is unfortuante that her other boys abandoned Her. That is not for Me to judge.
But I am wondering...why aren't you still with Her?

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 33

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 7:06:16 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

As always dprsub, you have interesting things to say. I am glad you post here.

I would like to comment on few things you wrote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: dprsub
1) This implies that the D is getting less out of the things that are enjoyable to both parties. I'm trying to explicitly say that I am looking for someone with whom I can enjoy things TOGETHER.

I find BDSM more enjoyable when I have a connection to the domme. The deeper the connection, the more enhanced the enjoyment. I am guessing that it is true for people on the otherside of the whip. A domme will get more satisfaction out of someone she has an ongoing relationship with.

I think you are looking for a regular play partner. And you had found someone who is happy with a simple exchange of play. Wonderful! But realize that you face a LOT of competition from other male subs and those that can offer more will be more appealing.

quote:

2) The "selfish/unselfish" thing. I hate to say this, but any person who claims to enjoy doing something because it's "unselfish" is, actually, being selfish.

Yeah... ain't it weird?

quote:

3) If I am not able to provide something, I refuse to pretend otherwise. Call it honesty. Call it courtesy. Call it whatever you like; all I know is I will not mis-represent myself and waste others' time.

Hooray! The world needs more people like you. You are a man of integrity.

quote:

All but my previous Domme still made me doubt myself, though, as they took on submissive boyfriends, promised me I wasn't being replaced, then went ahead and did it anyway.

erm.... see my reply to point #1

quote:

All the ones that swore that they had no concern for themselves and would worship her as a goddess, who would take care of her every need and desire and whim, quietly went the other way when once the promise of D/S fulfillment went away.

Through all that, I stayed by her side. I can't explain why. I was her sub, it's true, but I was also a real person with a real heart who saw that someone important to me needed someone to lean on. And that's exactly what I intended to give her, from one real, breathing person to another.

And you see... you had a real relationship with her. Heart to heart, a deep connection. This relationship the two of you were able to establish and that is so important.

I don't think anyone thinks less of you for not being service oriented. What people have been concerned about is whether you would be able to stand out from the crowd so that you could establish that kind of relationship. Or even whether you wanted anything more than the physical and emotional play of BDSM.

You cared. You are a caring person. And that is golden.

But I still think you will have a hard time standing out from the crowd, and this will make your search for a Domme difficult.

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 34

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 7:28:34 PM

dprsub

Posts: 37
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

She seems to have to had to drop out and offline for real life. Being a single mother and all, I can't really say I blame her. I am still with her in the sense that a part of me is holding out and hoping she'll return.

If I am a bottom, then fine. Others have called me a sub. It doesn't really make much difference to me anyway; no matter what name may or may not be appropriate, I'm just looking for a situation that is for me, as you so elegantly put it, a win-win situation. My win-win situation is different than the one you spoke of, but I'm hoping for someone with whom my own can be win-win, also.

I think I could do chores if I was a 24/7, but that would be more of keeping my end of the deal up as a domestic partner, and thus for me outside of BDSM. I'm certainly not trying to say "Oh, someone take me as a 24/7! I'll do chores, I promise!" Especially since it's _really_ something I don't want to rush into, if ever.

I just get distressed because I feel like I'm being accussed of only being out to satisfy myself, and whatever possible partner be damned. I may have a lot of shortcomings, but that's not one of them.

< Message edited by dprsub -- 5/4/2005 7:45:28 PM >

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 35

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 7:34:51 PM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dprsub

While I have a wide variety of interests and would do just about anything for my Dominant (unfortunately, I don't have one yet), I can't help much when it comes to sex...
How can I try to find someone who would feel similarly, or at least not be disappointed with my restriction?

quote:

All but my previous Domme still made me doubt myself, though, as they took on submissive boyfriends, promised me I wasn't being replaced, then went ahead and did it anyway.

The exception is the last Domme I had, who did have other subs, who were able and willing to please her in a carnal manner. She had even more approach her, which she would reject. She saw something in me, and I was always afraid that I was letting her down. I'd ask her why she wanted me, and she'd tell me not to worry so much. I asked her how I could be a better sub, and she said... well, you can start by not worrying so much.

Am I missing something???GoddessDustyGold asked you where your dominant was now, and I was thinking the same thing, and then something nagged at my memory from earlier in the thread....Is the first quote not your first post, where you had yet to find a dominant?? Let's see, that was 4/30/05. And now, on 5/04/05, you have had several dominants, and only one that stayed with you? Did we all misunderstand your wording at the beginning of the thread as to whether or not you had a dominant care for you in the past??? Please explain...

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 36

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 7:42:44 PM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Case in point: the last Dominant I spoke to was never referred to as a Dominant, but rather a Domme. She didn't seem to like to be called Mistress, and even before I met her she did not think that chores/"services" were a necessary part of BDSM. I wish I still had her as my D, but like everyone else she has a life outside of D/s, including her family. Her family (unmarried, but adopted kids) has always come first, as it rightly should, and it seems that she has disappeared permanently in order to better take care of them.

Is this the same Domme you wish you still had? As the thread progresses further, the statements seem to contadict themselves. Again, please explain.

(in reply to onceburned)

Post #: 37

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 7:56:56 PM

dprsub

Posts: 37
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kc692

quote:

Case in point: the last Dominant I spoke to was never referred to as a Dominant, but rather a Domme. She didn't seem to like to be called Mistress, and even before I met her she did not think that chores/"services" were a necessary part of BDSM. I wish I still had her as my D, but like everyone else she has a life outside of D/s, including her family. Her family (unmarried, but adopted kids) has always come first, as it rightly should, and it seems that she has disappeared permanently in order to better take care of them.

Is this the same Domme you wish you still had? As the thread progresses further, the statements seem to contadict themselves. Again, please explain.

Am I merely hyper-sensitive, or are you trying to antagonize?

It is the same Domme, yes. And as I've tried to explain, she seems to be gone now, and has been for a long time. Hence, I am searching, and hence, I am having trouble finding a D, just as I did before I was fortunate enough to meet her. Previously, I had several people who claimed to want to be my D, but they replaced me with boyfriends, remember?

Did I say, "Hi, I have trouble finding a D. By the way, I never ever did have one in my whole life before"? No, I did not.

As for your second comment, I'm not even sure what you think is contradictory, despite your claims that "As the thread progresses further, the statements seem to contadict themselves."

(in reply to kc692)

Post #: 38

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 8:00:32 PM

siamsa24

Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It is the same Domme, yes. And as I've tried to explain, she seems to be gone now, and has been for a long time.

You don't know if she is gone? How could you not be sure, it seems that if she is gone then she wouldn't be there any more and if she isn't gone then she still would be. I am confused.......

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 39

RE: Searching question. - 5/4/2005 8:05:33 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dprsub

She seems to have to had to drop out and offline for real life. Being a single mother and all, I can't really say I blame her. I am still with her in the sense that a part of me is holding out and hoping she'll return.

She *seems* to have had to drop out and *offline* for *real life* ???
Was this an online relationship? And why do you refer to Her situation as "real life"? We are living real life. We just have D/s dynamics in place in that real life.
If She had more pressing priorities, I can understand that, but it sounds like, as a single mom, She never practiced D/s other than online. Yes? No? you *seem* to be unsure of what even happened to this Lady.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to dprsub)

Post #: 40

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