WhiplashSmile
Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
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I think LA hit the nail the head for some of the reasons why people go from BDSM and Vanilla based relationships.
I actually have heartbroken over both BDSM and Vanilla based relationships. The fact remains be it BDSM or Vanilla it does not change who I am. Does not change my kinky desires urges or personality.
In terms of Vanilla relationships, my natural gravitation towards BDSM always becomes a pulling force at some point in time. I even went to far to get ride of mytoy box. However, this does not work for me. Why? Because I end up buying a few extra play things for kinky sex (rope, restaints, bondage tape, nipple clamps, floggers, body oil, clothes pins..). At first buying the really light weight small toy or play floggers.. after she was used to it, then getting into buying a little heavy one. Well you get the picture. But there is more...
I often found myself training, (ah um.. requesting things, topping, and wanting things)... in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. However, I'm not or should I say very resistent to being topped or in being told what to do. Gone so far in Vanilla relationships to tell the other, that I hate being told what to do and to get out of my hair. If I want to do it, I will or will not. I will deal with thing in how I see fit and blah blah blah. Needless to say, at times I was accused of being too.. Ummmm Self Centered at times, because I refused or rebelled against her attempts at exterting authority. If I had in my mind to do XYZ, I would explain why I wanted to do XYZ in that order. She was wanting ZXY done in that order. I would explain why I thought ZXY was a bad order to do. So there were times of doing head butting. To make matters worse, often it was not real issues we fought about. We fought about Power itself, where as XYZ was an order that would make sense to anybody, she had a thing for simply wanting it her way.. ZXY no matter how bad of a plan it was. Something called pride or the struggle for power itself was happening. Not Good dynamics at work in a relationship.
Issues about her feeling if she was in control about things in the relationship or not type of stuff. I always had/have a open ear and mind to hearing what anybody thinks or suggests. One of the biggest problems I found, was the other person using or attempting to use guilt trips as a tactic to have their own way. I do not respond well to this. Another facet, is that I don't like disagreements to break down into mindless name calling and shouting matches. Whenever, this type of shit occured.. I would simply refuse to get into it with them. Tell them I'd talk about it when they could calm down. This seemed to add more fuel to the fire at times, as if I was not willing to talk about shit. I found myself longing very much for full blown D/s BDSM dyanamics at times. I've never had such off the wall communication encounters with Dommes or submissives. Most Dommes I know would rather had a rational or logical debate, one that was centered on problem or issue solving. With sub/slave types, they are aware of the importance about respect and how to communicate and assert themselves.
I'm not perfect by any means. I will admit when I make a mistake or fuck up. However, the last thing I care for is for somebody to use my mistakes against me in an attempt to control other aspects of the relationship. In part low ball guilt trip tactics. It's a challenge when dealing with a Vanilla who is used to playing guilt trip games. A lot of BDSMers are or should be more in control of themselves. Concepts of self discipline and discipline. Mainly because they grew up in households or had previous relationships without structure or understanding of discipline. Dommes and sub/slaves know and understand self discipline, and are not as lost as some vanillas are.
In terms of kinky bedroom sex play, this has not been a major issue in my past relationships. It's everything outside of this box that has been a problem. I think LA did hit the nail on the head about relationship skills in general.
My last two relationships were for 7 and 5 years. Shortest ones being around 6-7 months (enough to figure out if it was working or not). My best ones were for 1-2 years and ended for personal life goal direction reasons.
I had one relationship with a Domme, it was an awesome experience in terms dynamics, easier than the D/s dynamics in some of my relationships with subs even. However for me vanilla dynamics have been a little more troublesome.
Yes my last relationship of 5 years was with a Vanilla who was not fully in touch with herself. We had kinky sex and did kinky things (somewhat limited to my tastes). In many regards I grew from the experience and it was a challenge. I could simply dismiss it as a mistake, however some really great things came out of it as well.
It's a bit of a bitch trying to do vanilla when you have had some great BDSM based relationships. I'm not saying it can or can not be done. You just need to have patience and understanding and PICK a GOOD partner!
as LA uses for a Tag line. Find a Stable partner not a stable of partners!
Finding a stable partner I believe is the key to any relationship be it Vanilla or BDSM based. I'm totally oh so convinced about this it's not funny. If you don't have a stable partner your Vanilla of BDSM relationship is doomed...
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RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 
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