Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4] 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 6:01:11 AM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline 		I have tried, a couple of times actually.....and yes I failed.....maybe I really do not look at it so much as "failing", nonetheless I was drawn back....a very close friend said to me "You can take the girl out of the lifestyle, but you can't take the lifestyle out of the girl"....and she was right.  
There are several things that brought me back.....the physical and mental nature of (at the time) bottoming; mentally just feeling off kilter, scatter-brained, somehow kind of lost I suppose, and physically I would feel totally restless and feel my flesh aching, like an uncontrollable itch to the point that cutting became an option just to be able to function.  Some may view it as a mental dysfunction and nothing to do with the 'lifestyle" and that is fine, IDC, but blah blah blah a mile in my shoes.


quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it


Within the BDSM community, it is often extremely difficult to find a person who you can connect with, and who has most or all of the qualities that you have been looking for.  (Said  with all due respect to those of you who have accepted who you are and have made a serious choice about being in this lifestyle.).

I am wondering if anyone here has ever decided, for whatever rhyme or reason, to try to go back to being vanilla -- simply because there are more choices and opportunities to meet others there.  And if you have tried, but were unsuccessful, what brought you back to BDSM?

-addicted2it





_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to addicted2it)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 6:35:01 AM   
ownedkitten


Posts: 200
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
 
I truly don't understand how some can keep one foot in and one foot out..the life has enveloped my being.



Greetings addicted2it,
Greetings all,

curiouslyseeking summed it up well for me - this aspect of who I am has been embraced on a much deeper level than it was when I was "vanilla" and I've become comfortable with it.  It's not a once in awhile thing for me, and I do not think that I could go back to "vanilla" and be truly happy.


_____________________________

"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it." -Marilyn Monroe

(in reply to curiouslyseeking)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 7:19:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
Yes, the roles within BDSM are more clearly-defined. 

Ha I LOVE when people bring up that lie.

You read any of the definitions threads we have?  Talk about lack of clear definition.  Have you read any of the hundreds of threads about "He said this, but I'm confused" or "She's supposed to be this but I don't like it" and on and on and on.

I'd place "More clearly defined relationship structure in bdsm" even above "can't punish a masochist with pain" in the list of Top Five Myths of BDSM

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to addicted2it)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 7:22:33 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterGremlin
I could never let the true me out and I was extremely unhappy. 

Yes it's tough sometimes since I can't be "truly me" in most kink or non-vanilla situations either.

I often feel more at home at my Firefly meetups than I do at many munches.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterGremlin)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 7:50:36 AM   
complaisant1


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline 		I went back to nilla, I met a girl who turned out to be kinky as hell and completely uncontrolable.  It took months to get her over her kid in a candy store syndrome and then we were able to start training.  It sucked, it was long drawn out and painful !  In my year of vanilla dating I discovered that no one is with out their kinks and those who disagree please read " My Secret Garden" Nancy Friday.

These questions... am I a Dom, am I a bottom, could I be submissive to the right one, why do I like to  bottom so much, why do I like to Top so much, WHY am I so different  to everyone else. Why am I so Dominant till I see a pair of long legs peeking out under a leather mini ?????

I reached a conclusion. .I am NOT in the BDSM lifestyle, I don't even know what the BDSM lifestyle is and I challenge anyone to define it as anything other than a body under which any and all kinks and fetishes  gather.

What matters is knowing what you want and being able to communicate that to a possible partner.

If what you want is missionary night after night and " yes honey I put the cat out", then I guess your lifestyle might be best described as vanilla. . If you want leather whips and chains and who knows what else  then you might be best described as an alternative lifestyler, which doesn't mean you have to follow the doctrines of other BDSM'ers.

It occured to me that if  BDSM was in fact a structured lifestyle with a bible. which Gor is close to being. then with as many people taking up BDSM as there are, it could be that one day BDSM is the norm and vanilla is in fact the alternative lifestyle.

Just be yourself and let no one put you down for who you know you are. Concentrate on finding a partner right for you. Look where ever you have to for that partner in or out of BDSM and when you find her, I hope you find lasting happiness.  Then you will realise it doesn't matter a flying  f**ck  if you're Dom  or  sub  or what your lifestyle is called.


_____________________________

~This is My Lifestyle it is only yours if you choose to adopt it~

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 8:04:19 AM   
addicted2it


Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
Yes, the roles within BDSM are more clearly-defined. 

Ha I LOVE when people bring up that lie.

I respect your opinion, though I believe it is flawed.
quote:


You read any of the definitions threads we have?  Talk about lack of clear definition.  Have you read any of the hundreds of threads about "He said this, but I'm confused" or "She's supposed to be this but I don't like it" and on and on and on.

I think that, in general, people who negotiate for scenes or relationships here tend to be more specific about their needs and expectations.  And the reference to the "he said, she said" will always be a problem, no matter what venue we are talking about.



_____________________________

"What I lack in wisdom and intelligence, I more than make up or with age."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 8:58:24 AM   
selfbnd411


Posts: 598
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline 		Have you ever had the experence of going to the library and finding that the book you wanted wasn't on the shelf where it was supposed to be?  Do you just walk away, disappointed?  Or do you look to the left and the right, above and below?  Maybe it's just been misplaced.  That's how I see things--just because someone isn't on CM and doesn't indentify as Dominant/submissive, or hasn't ever acted on their kinky urges doesn't mean they don't exist.  I figure if there really is only one woman for me out there, I better be casting as wide a net as possible!

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 9:03:43 AM   
complaisant1


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline 		selfbnd411 .. EXACTLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

~This is My Lifestyle it is only yours if you choose to adopt it~

(in reply to selfbnd411)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 11:54:27 AM   
CinatasForums


Posts: 19
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		Go back to?  That implies a starting point.  When I was in my teens and dating I actually tried the "vanilla" relationship as if I was somewhat confused in what I wanted and it was somewhat wrong.  I was with a girl and I suggested to her that she lead because even though I was trying to be as vanilla as possible some things you just can't shake.  She said no, you lead as most vanilla males would.  I went catatonic.  So as I believe it was Miss Latasha(please dont kill me if I mispelled your name)  I would rather be single than try to change who I am or someone else, and so far thats what I have done its lonely at times granted but it also means at some point in my life I will find someone for me.

(in reply to complaisant1)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 12:27:58 PM   
zindyslave


Posts: 601
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline 		If my Master wanted to change and go back to vanilla or if we split up then I might try vanilla again but I would still have to have some kinky things in the bedroom to make me happy, of course how I grew up the woman was submissive to a point so I could see that working for me maybe not fullfilled all the way but enough to satisfy those 'urges'.

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to CinatasForums)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 1:14:45 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
Yes, the roles within BDSM are more clearly-defined. 

Ha I LOVE when people bring up that lie.

You read any of the definitions threads we have?  Talk about lack of clear definition.  Have you read any of the hundreds of threads about "He said this, but I'm confused" or "She's supposed to be this but I don't like it" and on and on and on.

I'd place "More clearly defined relationship structure in bdsm" even above "can't punish a masochist with pain" in the list of Top Five Myths of BDSM


I really have to back LA up on this one.  Because within BDSM itself there are no clear rules for everybody to follow.  In the fact the biggest realization people have to face, is for them to sit down make a list of what the want and don't want.  In short, we all create our own rules, apply our own tastes and are supposed to come out of the closet with one another.   This actually takes a bit of work.   You have to come clean and honest with yourself, who you are and what you want.   The only clear difinitions can be found within ourselves.

I have a tendancy to roll my eyes, when I read profiles where somebody expresses how much experience or well trained they are.   What does this mean to me?  Will I have to work hard at untraining certain habits?  What kind of experiences, what kind of training.   It's kinda like instant sub/slave in a box that has been molded and shaped by somebody else.  There is not clear difinition about experience or training.  These things may or may not fit into what I want or desire.   My experiences and knowledge may or may not lign up right for others as well.

It good to express what you are and are not looking for.  What your expectation are, and how you feel and think about certain aspects.  If anything, most people in BDSM fuck up because they have not taken the time to become Self Aware.


< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 4/27/2007 1:17:39 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 1:24:06 PM   
Crush


Posts: 1031
Status: offline 		Been there, tried that.  Still had to keep a bit of "the real me" on the side.  Good thing for the Internet and webcams.  And fortunate to find Mrs. Crush as well...

to quote Popeye "I yam what I yam"

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 1:35:17 PM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		Hmmmmmmmm… go back to what?  I was married at 19…and introduced to anal sex.  Isn’t that a submissive thing?  …anyway, I adored it.  We also peed on each other in the shower…is that a BDSM thing?
 
I was divorced and dating a guy at age 30…and introduced him to anal sex.  Isn’t that a submissive thing?  Ha…I adored it (it was his butt that got penetrated, btw).   I discovered he was wearing my undies…and then he just wore ‘em to bed.  Is that a submissive/BDSM thing?  I thought it was fun.
 
We also peed on each other (on a well protected bed); that’s BDSM, no?  What about when he begged to drink from the font?  Surely then! 
 
What about when he asked me to spank him?  Okay…that was confusing; then.
 
When I was over 50, I first discovered the term “BDSM”.  Mostly what it’s done for me is open a community of like minded people and lots of friends.  This new world has opened up so many ideas for me.  It has allowed me to become more comfortable with myself and to meet so many other people who are comfortable with themselves.
 
Who would want to leave THAT?
 
B

(in reply to Crush)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 1:37:42 PM   
Lillyishere


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/25/2007
Status: offline 		whats vanilla?

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 2:27:02 PM   
Stranger1


Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		Vanilla is an illusion. There is no "lifestyle", it is a fantasy created by people who wanted to feel better about themselves. It's not about identity-but association.

(in reply to addicted2it)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 2:34:14 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I'm in my 50's. The odds are that in twenty years I won't be getting tied up and spanked regularly so I had better be prepared for vanilla.

I'd miss bondage of course but more important than that is a man who is naturally dominant in our relationship. And I like missionary, I like lying there pinned down by his weight as he plunges into me.

(in reply to Stranger1)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 2:43:12 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lillyishere
whats vanilla?

I'm starting to wonder myself anymore...  this is why I proclaim some of my past relationships as "Vanilla with shades of BDSM".   I've never been in a completely Vanilla relationship that I can ever recall. 

(in reply to Lillyishere)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 2:47:29 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The problem so many people have with labels is that they think if you tack on something, you must therefore EXCLUDE everything else.  That's just not true.

It's like being gay and asking "What's not gay?"  Yes, there a subtle variations of being involved in kink or the extensions of your relationship, but I think we can all understand "well enough" what someone means when they say "I'm not vanilla" or "This is my lifestyle."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 2:51:36 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Hmmm...

For me there is no going back, per se. I lost my virginity in a dungeon. Nearly all of my relationships have been contextualized by a backdrop of BDSM. In comparison to some of my earlier relationships, the one I am in now is very nearly vanilla. I pretty much started out doing the 24/7 TPE lifestyle thing, and now we just kind of do the occasional bedroom scene. I suppose that, if I were trapped in a wholly monogamous vanilla relationship, I would be very unhappy, but I have made a point to avoid such things. Better no relationship at all, in my opinion, than one which does not meet my needs, or where I am unable to meet my partner's needs.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to addicted2it)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried ... - 4/27/2007 5:22:03 PM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		I honestly don't think I could go back to vanillia I would certainly feel unfullfilled. And yearn to be in a setting where I would be true to who I am and it be apperciated and looked down upon

(in reply to addicted2it)
Profile   Post #: 80
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4] 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4] 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078