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RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/1/2007 8:08:37 PM   
notlooking2


Posts: 53
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SireKane

"I recently after having many sessions with a Master who I thought was great, finally submitted myself completly and according to him was amazing and the most well behave sub he had ever served him. After this, I knew that I wanted to serve him always but how for some reason he is ignoring me. He is on collarme everyday but when I send him a message, he reads it and never replies. What did I do wrong? "

I don't know you, and I don't know the particulars of your relationship, but I am familiar with your situation.  I'm going to share with you my personal insight which is based upon experiences shared with by submissive females in this lifestyle. What is happening to you is a very common occurrence in this lifestyle?  In my opinion, based on a survey a did amongst submissive females for a workshop I was developing. Most men in this lifestyle are tops at best. Vanilla guys, with a twist of kink. Dominance, especially the type a submissive seeks, is not a part of their persona. Their dominance is a selected or preferred role they choose to play in the bdsm community or lifestyle.  They can choose not to play the dominant role at a drop of a hat.  The problem occurs when a top presents himself to a submissive as a dominant, or master, and enters into a relationship with a submissive under this guise. Within the boundaries of the bedroom, a top can easily perform the dominant role. Dominance outside the bedroom, in the context of a D/s relationship is a whole other dynamic.  Maintaining D/s relationship is extra hard work for a top, it's like a second job for him. His dominance is not part of his personality, and is usually sexually motivated. His dominance will end at the end of your scene.  When a top, posing as a dominant, tires of the role, and the submissive has not given him grounds to release her, it is common for him to simply abandon the relationship leaving the submissive bewildered. He's not going to tell you that he got tired of being dominant.  He'll repeat the same scenario over an over again. It's unfair, unfortunate, and far too common. Submissive females need to do better homework on the dominants they are interested in. Men need to understand that there is no rank or hierarchy amongst men, whether you are a top, dom, or master , there are no brownie points. Just be honorable, without honesty there can be no consent.

Kane


Very well said, you definitely have hit the nail right on the head.  I am always suspicious in someone who wants to hurry things along.  I like to take my time and get to know someone.  Only thru continues communication is one able to tell if someone is truly a Master or a Vanilla interested in a little kink.  Some have perfected the art in disguising their true intent.  However, if a submissive is patient and keeps her ears and eyes wide open, as well as not make the mistake on explaining the red flags away, a player can only play a role for so long.  So watch for those tell tale signs.

(in reply to SireKane)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 12:01:03 AM   
Sweetbluerose


Posts: 54
Joined: 9/24/2005
Status: offline 		SweetShy
I have had this happen to me three times in the two years I have been on here, and in each case, once I had submitted to what they wanted, they moved on to another submissive.
I have been told by many it is because I didn't spend enough time getting to know them. But one of them,  I spent 5 months getting to know  through emails and phone calls before we ever met in person. And the other two I spent several months, all three were nice, but stated they had so many women who just played games, and said they were only interested in real time play. We spent many hours talking and exploring our interests, limits, personalities, and I thought I knew them. Two of the three had me fill out all kinds of forms on experiences, my limits, and what types of play I was interested in exploring.
All three of these Doms, said they wanted me to be their long term submissive and continued to say so even after real time play,  but then once they had(blushing) me everyway they wanted they dropped me.
No further contact....no explaination, no good-bye, nothing...
Sigh, to me this is rude. It is not hard to say, "Hey this isn't working out, good-bye,", rather than leave a person hanging...
And that doesn't even go into the two guys who said they were real and only wanted to "use" me online, and when I finally started asking questions, disappeared pronto, LOL.
Anyway, in my opinion, You did nothing wrong, and shouldn't blame yourself. Some of these guys are really good con men and very experienced at leading women on and on...
Take care,

(in reply to Stranger1)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 12:16:40 AM   
m0rgan


Posts: 403
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		well, i read profiles, journals and research the posts of possibles, but still i get it wrong!
maybe the right one will find me, but i am on the other side of the fence, if i wanted to shag in an alley, i would go to nightclubs, wait till kicking out time and flatter the best looking one left. i have done that. i choose to do that no more. many still want to shag in an alley till the day they die.
i am not against alley shagging, but i seek the one that wants to alley shag me!! not just anyone at kicking out time!


_____________________________


download this, the girls voice will make you damp--->

http://www.saab.com/main/GLOBAL/en/download_release_me.shtml


a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou,
beside me, in the wilderness, were paradise enough!

(in reply to Sweetbluerose)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 2:18:31 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		If something happens twice there might be a pattern, if it happens three times, it IS a pattern, YOUR pattern.

Look at how you met these men, look at what fears you set aside, what alarm bells you ignored, what things they said that hooked you and why.  YOU are allowing these men into your circle and while I am in no way blaming you for their being putzes, why do you chose putzes?

(in reply to m0rgan)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 2:35:23 AM   
Raphael


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline 		I can think of three possibilities.

Could be a technical problem.

Could be you're demanding attention. Seriously, think about this, I've seen it many times. A girl thinks she's really submitted - and that entitles her to attention. That's kind of how it works in the vanilla world, but not here. If you're really submitting you don't make demands of your master. Attention-whoring is a quick way to get ignored by me. It's not a flattering possibility, I know, but someone has to say it. We don't know the real situation so we have to guess, and true or not, that's a reasonable guess.

Last possibility - he got you so now he doesn't want you anymore. Yeah, some guys are just jackasses that way. Like the attention-whoring female, the lying jackass male is a stereotype for a reason. Because there are a lot of them. :(

So, anyway, not pretty but I do hope it helps.

(in reply to SweetShyBBW4u)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 2:56:37 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

If something happens twice there might be a pattern, if it happens three times, it IS a pattern, YOUR pattern.

Look at how you met these men, look at what fears you set aside, what alarm bells you ignored, what things they said that hooked you and why.  YOU are allowing these men into your circle and while I am in no way blaming you for their being putzes, why do you chose putzes?


Every time i hear this, i examine myself and my choices and blame myself and tell myself i am so terribly flawed to have lived this long and keep meeting putzes.  i have gone to good friends who all lie to me and tell me there's absolutely nothing wrong with me.  my daughter tells me my problem is that i LOOK for reasons why a relationship won't work, that i examine all the red flags and warnings and that i never just let go and let things happen that i worry about "what if it doesn't work out!" instead of "what if it DOES work out?"   Recently i have adopted the more positive outlook and even then my last relationship went down in flames but the difference was in my reaction to it.  i learned a lot, i had some fun, i took a chance, i actually lived for a while with passion.  As long as i don't let the fact that it didn't work out consume me, i really believe the newly rediscovered passion will make me a more positive person and as such a more attractive person and one who can and will attract positive people and relationships into my life. 

To the OP.... in my opinion, take the good, learn from the not so good and say "NEXT"


_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 6:17:38 AM   
CrazyC


Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened


To the OP.... in my opinion, take the good, learn from the not so good and say "NEXT"



It is an awesome way of looking at it. :-)

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 7:10:37 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

i never just let go and let things happen that i worry about "what if it doesn't work out!" instead of "what if it DOES work out?" 


Perhaps your pattern is  you worry too much?  Constantly testing a relationship to see if it will pass the test will make it fail.

Your pattern could be various forms of insecurity/doubt and you are starting to change,  you had a bit of faith/trust/security and see how things changed?

My pattern used to be pick bad partners then whine about it, perhaps yours is you pick good partners and drive them away? 

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 7:32:27 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sweetbluerose
But one of them,  I spent 5 months getting to know  through emails and phone calls before we ever met in person.

This would be a good time for me to point out that one of the problems with LDRs/mainly cyber based relationships is what's known as "time dilation."

You spend X amount of time together and you THINK you've progressed a certain ways along- just as you would if you were seeing eachother offline regularly.

Unfortunately, that's just time tricking you- in reality, 6 months of online time is equivalent to perhaps a week of offline time.  And then you add in the fact that in LDRs/cyber based relationship, what time you DO have together is almost always a "kinky vacation" time- you really don't get to see that person in regular day to day situations and interact with them on those levels.  You're also so frustrated and worked up that you spend all your time shagging and playing and in a lust filled haze to try and fill eachother up until the next visit which may be months away. 

All of this leaves people with the IDEA that they are progressing normally in a relationship, when they really aren't at all.

Time is important and can give perspective.  But sadly it's not the only thing that comes into play here.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Sweetbluerose)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 7:34:43 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Raphael
A girl thinks she's really submitted - and that entitles her to attention. That's kind of how it works in the vanilla world, but not here. If you're really submitting you don't make demands of your master. Attention-whoring is a quick way to get ignored by me. It's not a flattering possibility, I know, but someone has to say it. We don't know the real situation so we have to guess, and true or not, that's a reasonable guess.

What seems to be going on actually is that HE established a routine of communication with her, and changed it without notice.

That may indeed be his choice, but it's also got very real consequences that have absolutely nothing to do with submission or dominance. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Raphael)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 7:36:18 AM   
Nogimmicks


Posts: 38
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline 		Sweetshy,

I find it actually a little insensitive that so many people are responding to you to say things to the effect of "if it ain't realtime, it doesn't count", as though you are some sort of fool to allow yourself to get attached to someone in an online relationship. These comments of "Is this real or cyber?" are completely irrelevent. Sadly, online relationships can be every bit as real to people as "realtime" relationships can be. The attachment that you created in your heart to this man is every bit as meaningful to you as if you had been with him physically. In your cerebrum, you attached with him, you believed you had a link. The pain of being ignored is very real and I truly empathize with you. Just as a psychosomatic pain or illness can be every bit as devastating and debilitating as a "real" one, so a cyber relationship can include all of the elements of a relationship that one needs to sustain and foster a deep abiding affection toward another person. In fact, an online relationship can be better, or at least more satisfying in certain respects. You can have the mental stimulation while keeping the other person at an arm's length. When you tire of it, you need only log off. You have someone out there that you believe cares deeply about you.

Unfortunately, while being a bit unkind, the people who poo-poo your relationship for not being "real", are also right in great measure. Online, people can reinvent themselves. I am not exactly the person my writing would lead people to think I am, it isn't intentional deception, but simply that when I write I can omit the things that I do not want to come across. In person, those things come out and all of the real complications of the human psyche become evident. Of course, if one wishes to be intentionally deceptive, it can be worse. In the case of your "dominant", it is evident to everyone but you that he was not who or what he presented himself to be and so when things got too close and he feared you would find him out, he simply blocked you. By now he has moved on to another victim who will satisfy his mental cravings. The reason it is not evident to you is that your brain still craves the warmth that you once shared with him. To tell you it wasn't real is nonsense, it was very real, and probably as real to him as it was to you.

So, from here you have to make a choice. If you choose to continue in this forum, then you need to set some boundaries. My suggestion would be that if someone contacts you and you hit it off, that within a few days you ask for his telephone number. Give him a call (don't give him your phone number and make sure you block the first several calls you make to him). Ask him some verifiable questions, things like "Where do you work?" "Are you listed in the telephone directory?". After a short time, find ways to move the relationship off the cyberspace column and into the "real time" column. If he is truly what he represents himself to be, and is really available (ie. not married, engaged, etc.), he will want to move forward as much as you do. If asking him for his telephone number garners you an accusation of "topping from the bottom", move on, he is just a moron.

Sadly, this forum is full of wannabees and lurkers. Not all of them are mass murderers or evil. Most are just married or really undesireable guys hoping to hook up with someone who will trust their bilgewater and nonsense. Don't allow yourself to take anyone too seriously until you have met them and preferrably their family, boss, best friend and cousins. Oh, one other thing, when you do meet somebody, don't go home and start submitting to him sexually or otherwise. Get to know him as a person first. If you don't like him as a person, he won't ever earn your trust as a dominant and it will never be "right" for either of you.

(in reply to Stranger1)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 7:47:39 AM   
Nogimmicks


Posts: 38
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline 		SweetShyBBW4u
Vanilla

This was not an online thing this was real time

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OOOPS. Now I feel really stupid. Scratch the above post. Sorry. I just assumed it was a cyber relationship. I will just go back and sit down and bury my nose in a book. Actually, that previous post with my name on it wasn't by me, it was someone who logged on to my computer.... my dog, yeah, that's what it was, my dog, he is always doing stupid things and getting me into trouble. BAD DOG.

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/2/2007 7:51:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think anyone is saying the pain isn't real.  However the fact is that cyber based or mainly cyber based relationships operate very differently from offline based relationships.  They just do- it's not better or worse, but it's a different process, a different set of expectations.  And answers in response to a question ABOUT such relationships will be shifted to accommodate those differences.

And the fact is that plenty of newbies DO form unrealistic expectations and attachments to people because they assume that a certain online connection will be equivalent to the same offline connection- it really isn't. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Nogimmicks)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/6/2007 3:00:29 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		greetings

you did nothing wrong. he is just like many men when they get what they want and ( i am sorry to say this ) but he has moved on. it is like he is a teen and when a teen or any man get what he wanted he actions are that of a child no manner or feeling about how you would feel. this hurt i know. but do not let what he did too you make you no go for a real man a real master who will treat you the way you need and want. and i am so sorry he is acting like a selfish child.

i wish you luck ( the best thing to do is not write him again please try i know it is hard you want to know what happen but he will never say it is his part in some crazy play he has in his mind of how to treat submissives

take care dear
mons

(in reply to SweetShyBBW4u)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/6/2007 5:53:26 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notlooking2

quote:

ORIGINAL: SireKane

"I recently after having many sessions with a Master who I thought was great, finally submitted myself completly and according to him was amazing and the most well behave sub he had ever served him. After this, I knew that I wanted to serve him always but how for some reason he is ignoring me. He is on collarme everyday but when I send him a message, he reads it and never replies. What did I do wrong? "

I don't know you, and I don't know the particulars of your relationship, but I am familiar with your situation.  I'm going to share with you my personal insight which is based upon experiences shared with by submissive females in this lifestyle. What is happening to you is a very common occurrence in this lifestyle?  In my opinion, based on a survey a did amongst submissive females for a workshop I was developing. Most men in this lifestyle are tops at best. Vanilla guys, with a twist of kink. Dominance, especially the type a submissive seeks, is not a part of their persona. Their dominance is a selected or preferred role they choose to play in the bdsm community or lifestyle.  They can choose not to play the dominant role at a drop of a hat.  The problem occurs when a top presents himself to a submissive as a dominant, or master, and enters into a relationship with a submissive under this guise. Within the boundaries of the bedroom, a top can easily perform the dominant role. Dominance outside the bedroom, in the context of a D/s relationship is a whole other dynamic.  Maintaining D/s relationship is extra hard work for a top, it's like a second job for him. His dominance is not part of his personality, and is usually sexually motivated. His dominance will end at the end of your scene.  When a top, posing as a dominant, tires of the role, and the submissive has not given him grounds to release her, it is common for him to simply abandon the relationship leaving the submissive bewildered. He's not going to tell you that he got tired of being dominant.  He'll repeat the same scenario over an over again. It's unfair, unfortunate, and far too common. Submissive females need to do better homework on the dominants they are interested in. Men need to understand that there is no rank or hierarchy amongst men, whether you are a top, dom, or master , there are no brownie points. Just be honorable, without honesty there can be no consent.

Kane


Very well said, you definitely have hit the nail right on the head.  I am always suspicious in someone who wants to hurry things along.  I like to take my time and get to know someone.  Only thru continues communication is one able to tell if someone is truly a Master or a Vanilla interested in a little kink.  Some have perfected the art in disguising their true intent.  However, if a submissive is patient and keeps her ears and eyes wide open, as well as not make the mistake on explaining the red flags away, a player can only play a role for so long.  So watch for those tell tale signs.


This process goes both ways, unfortunately. 
I have found, in addition to what SireKane wrote, that many (s and D types) do not have a clear cut goal of expectations and thus wonder into a "relationship" with assumptions, thinking they have communicates well their intentions and expectations.  Communications is not one way, it involves clarification and resending the message so that both parties comprehend the message.
I have also discovered that for just a session between s and D, many things are said intending to make another decision after that session.
All of us know that the chenmistry between an s and D involves not only the mental and emtional chemistry, but also the physical chemistry. 
 
I have noticed something that disturbs me ~~  the inital act of sexual submission is seen as the way a submissive intends to give herself to only that D.  That is BS.
An s and D click on line, phone and in an initial meeting face to face.  They enter into sexual submission and the chemistry is percieved not compatible by one or the other.  Newbie subs are vulnerable to not seeing the nonchemistry, experienced subs usually can.
Like with sweetshy, the D backs out and just doesnt communicate it to the s cause he aint got balls or just cant for someone reason, usually because the reason, I dont want to hurt her.  Well hurt someone with the truth instead of hurting them worse with ignoring them.
When the chemistry is right mentally, emotinally and physically, then that is when the relationip moves forward in some direction...either as top and bottom, PT D/s, or something significant and planned.
 
To give the impression that submission mentally and emotionally is the only submission that occurs before both parties participate in sexual submission and thus cement the D and s is to mislead newbies and those who have still not understood what a D/s relationship is or what topping or bottoming is all about.
 
And to prove my point ..... how many of you D types (male and female)have gotten into the heads of s types and had a sexual submission from them and knew that it wasnt   gonna be a long relationship cause the s type just wasnt "with you" in their sexual submission????   Tell us how YOU handled that ?
 
Maybe its time for another thread?
 
(sorry about the typo's...toolazy to correct)

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to notlooking2)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Being Ignored after submitting to a Master - 5/6/2007 7:58:26 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		You found a player, not a Dom. Chalk it off to experience, take a little downtime for yourself, and keep searching.  When you find a Dom to whom aftercare and a supportive relationship is important, you'll know it's right.

Best of luck to you,

TexasMaam

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to SweetShyBBW4u)
Profile   Post #: 56
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