your master wants another (Full Version)

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Smythe -> your master wants another (5/7/2007 6:37:04 AM)



I've read lots of posts and profiles from female submissives who indicate that their master (and sometimes they) are searching for a second sub to join them. Mostly they seem OK with this. Can that be true? If you are in a primary relationship with a male dominant and he wants another femsub to join you, how have you handled that? How would you handle it? What about jealousy? It seems like it must be very difficult.

Smythe



EvaLass -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 7:01:59 AM)

I have not a personal experience with this situation, but here's to getting the ball rolling on this very interesting topic. I think the vast majority of D/s relationships are monogamous and relatively conservative. Demographics show that most practitioners of BDSM are highly educated, well-employed, and situated within their larger communities. Some people truly have a lower jealously threshhold. What I have read is that adding a third person to the mix is really a lot of work to manage. So, it's not all bliss and sex. It apparently is hard work to make it work. I do have a theory that when people get older, some are less jealous and care more about their partner's (Dom) happiness than they do about having a strictly monogamous relationship. If the jealousy switch goes off in your brain, I think a person might be more easily able to tolerate this type of arrrangement. I have always been a somewhat jealous person. I am in the process of getting to know a new Dom. I told him that once and if we venture into full sexual relationhip (vagainal or anal penetration) he is going to have to give me a collar and promise sexual exclusivity. If his feelings change and he wants to sleep with someone else, he has to tell me and give me the chance to seek release. I am not as certain that I would hold a hard line if this happened. I would be most likely to want to meet the person and have it be completely open. Maybe he needs more than I could give or something different. Maybe I would be tolerant of those needs. Maybe I would get upset, cry, and feel betrayed. It's hard to know. My feeling is that I don't want him to be my Dom unless that is what he truly wants too. The interesting thing is that he was as insistent as I am about knowing if another person (that I wanted to sleep with) enters the picture. I don't think he would be very accepting, quite frankly. In the meantime, we are keeping jealousy somewhat in control. Even if we do decide to have a full sexual relationship we are each allowed to date other people - dinner, coffee, movie - without consulting with the other.. I know it would really be impossible to tether him to me, and I want him to feel that he picked me because I was the right person and stays with me for the same reason.

Well, this may or may not help, but these are some ideas to play with.



MissOchistic -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 7:30:15 AM)

well, right now if Master wanted somone else, i would just have to suck it up.

But if He had collared me, and wanted another after...i do have jealousy issues as far as insecurities and wanting more attention for myself/worried about my place....i would of course understand the choice was His, but have to explain to Him the likely problems and that i could only remain happy and cooperative under the dynamic of me being the Alpha slave, and the second being submissive to me. Even then there might be problems, but it would greatly allay my fears.

If i was usurped or made to understand that i would be an equal of two or below the second, i might be moved to ask for release.



phoenixinchains -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 7:42:48 AM)

most "Dom/sub seeking fem subs" i've noted say T/they want the new girl to submit to both, as in, the existing sub in the relationship wants to try her hand at dominating.  if you foresee jealousy being a serious issue, this really should be communicated before a potential sub is contacted and E/everyone ends up hurt and jaded.  certain periods of exporation can be healthy in a relationship, when E/everyone is on the same page. are you bi, or curious? could be fine if the other person was a switch?  these are some questions to address when you go to speak to your Master.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 7:46:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smythe
I've read lots of posts and profiles from female submissives who indicate that their master (and sometimes they) are searching for a second sub to join them. Mostly they seem OK with this. Can that be true? If you are in a primary relationship with a male dominant and he wants another femsub to join you, how have you handled that? How would you handle it? What about jealousy? It seems like it must be very difficult.

Smythe


It is difficult, which is why we have regular new threads on the poly boards saying "Why can't we find a nice new sub to come into our lives when we have no experience with this, nothing to offer them except work and they have to make sure I'm prettier and smarter and obey me and only get to be around when we're both ok with it and I SWEAR I'm ok with it even though I hate this whole idea"

Jealousy is generally dealt with by either not having it to begin with and/or realizing that it's unimportant to the ultimate goal- that you know your place, that youare secure in your place, and having another person around is not a thread to that place.

Of course, that requires everyone involved to understand and be secure and stick to their commitments.



mistoferin -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 7:48:57 AM)

I think that the vast majority of those ads are a reflection of a relationship where the "Master" wants to have his cake and eat it too and the sub/slave is involved because she either desires to please her "Master", thinks that going along with such a plan will indebt him to her or thinks that she has to go along with it in order to keep him and be viewed as a "good" "sub/slave".

I have been in poly relationships and I am very close with many people who are currently involved in them. What I have found in my experience is that "most" people who think they are poly have not thought it all the way through to the end and are incapable of functioning within such a relationship in the long term. Issues like jealousy (which in my opinion has no place in a poly relationship....or any relationship for that matter) rear their ugly heads and destroy the foundation.

I think that far more rare are people that are honestly poly. This explains why you see so few of these arrangements working out. The ones who ARE poly have usually done the necessary ground work to determine if such is a situation that is workable for them, discussed and negotiated the possibilities of such at the beginning of their relationship and do their search in tandem to find someone who would be the correct fit for their particular dynamic and relationship....not just "try on" all who are willing like they are as disposable as clothes.



Smythe -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:01:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: EvaLass

I have not a personal experience with this situation, but here's to getting the ball rolling on this very interesting topic. I think the vast majority of D/s relationships are monogamous and relatively conservative. Demographics show that most practitioners of BDSM are highly educated, well-employed, and situated within their larger communities. Some people truly have a lower jealously threshhold. What I have read is that adding a third person to the mix is really a lot of work to manage. So, it's not all bliss and sex. It apparently is hard work to make it work. I do have a theory that when people get older, some are less jealous and care more about their partner's (Dom) happiness than they do about having a strictly monogamous relationship. If the jealousy switch goes off in your brain, I think a person might be more easily able to tolerate this type of arrrangement. <snipped for brevity> I know it would really be impossible to tether him to me, and I want him to feel that he picked me because I was the right person and stays with me for the same reason.

Well, this may or may not help, but these are some ideas to play with.





Thanks for this very interesting response. It is hard to know how you would react, and I guess it depends on at what point you are in your relationship. I have read posts from femsubs who seem to feel compelled to go along with such an arrangement, but as you mentioned, I think it would be very hard.

I believe that anyone in the submissive role wants to feel that they are satisfying their dominant, so having to go along with a second contradicts that. Unless the second is definitely *second* in the heart and mind of the dom. But then, who would want that second role?

Just more questions...
Smythe



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:01:30 AM)

i left my former Dom because he wanted other femsubs to join us and be part of a stable.  he thought it was good idea for me to become bi. so he had set a task for me to find another women to join us (that's how i found collarme) however i stalled in completing his task to the point i distance myself away from him. the problem was - i had no interest in being with other women and kept telling him they don't turn me on. plus i'm a very jealous person and i don't like to share especially another man with other women.

then, too he never disclosed about the other women he was seeing on the side besides me (and he's married too) ...partly my fault because i was new to being a submissive and didn't really get acquainted with my former. so i quietly left him without a note or goodbye after realizing being part of a non-monogamous relationship wasn't for me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:01:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
I think that far more rare are people that are honestly poly. This explains why you see so few of these arrangements working out. The ones who ARE poly have usually done the necessary ground work to determine if such is situation is workable for them, discussed and negotiated the possibilities of such at the beginning of their relationship and do their search in tandem to find someone who would be the correct fit for their particular dynamic and relationship....not just "try on" all who are willing like they are as disposable as clothes.

In my case it was more like how people eventually find and work well in monogamous relationships.  You crash and burn a few of them to start with, and over time you learn from all your heartbreaks and scrapes and bruises.  At this point I know skipping steps and taking the easy road is stupid- not because I'm all enlightened or because it's right for me, but because I know it doesn't WORK if you try it that way and don't want to go through that again.



Smythe -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:06:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I think that the vast majority of those ads are a reflection of a relationship where the "Master" wants to have his cake and eat it too and the sub/slave is involved because she either desires to please her "Master", thinks that going along with such a plan will indebt him to her or thinks that she has to go along with it in order to keep him and be viewed as a "good" "sub/slave".

I have been in poly relationships and I am very close with many people who are currently involved in them. What I have found in my experience is that "most" people who think they are poly have not thought it all the way through to the end and are incapable of functioning within such a relationship in the long term. Issues like jealousy (which in my opinion has no place in a poly relationship....or any relationship for that matter) rear their ugly heads and destroy the foundation.

I think that far more rare are people that are honestly poly. This explains why you see so few of these arrangements working out. The ones who ARE poly have usually done the necessary ground work to determine if such is situation is workable for them, discussed and negotiated the possibilities of such at the beginning of their relationship and do their search in tandem to find someone who would be the correct fit for their particular dynamic and relationship....not just "try on" all who are willing like they are as disposable as clothes.




To be honest, I wonder if such situations are truly poly. But even if they are more a harem kind of thing than a poly group, I am wondering how the original sub manages her feelings. Has anyone been in such a situation that really worked?
Smythe



Smythe -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:10:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i left my former Dom because he wanted other femsubs to join us and be part of a stable. he thought it was good idea for me to become bi. so he had set a task for me to find another women to join us (that's how i found collarme) however i stalled in completing his task to the point i distance myself away from him. the problem was - i had no interest in being with other women and kept telling him they don't turn me on. plus i'm a very jealous person and i don't like to share especially another man with other women.

then, too he never disclosed about the other women he was seeing on the side besides me (and he's married too) ...partly my fault because i was new to being a submissive and didn't really get acquainted with my former. so i quietly left him without a note or goodbye after realizing being part of a non-monogamous relationship wasn't for me.



Smart!!
Smythe



mistoferin -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:10:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl
i left my former Dom because he wanted other femsubs to join us and be part of a stable.  he thought it was good idea for me to become bi. so he had set a task for me to find another women to join us (that's how i found collarme) however i stalled in completing his task to the point i distance myself away from him. the problem was - i had no interest in being with other women and kept telling him they don't turn me on. plus i'm a very jealous person and i don't like to share especially another man with other women.


I think this is a classic example. Dom/Masters who think that they can MAKE their sub/slaves poly just because they desire them to be....even when the sub/slave is telling them that this is not for them. I can't say that I have ever known of a situation like this that has actually worked. If a Dom/Master is poly and has a desire to be involved in that type of relationship...he should be looking for sub/slaves who are....not trying to convert those who are not.



phoenixinchains -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:11:07 AM)

But then, who would want that second role?

some people have gone through such emotion loss, (like being widowed) and feel they cannot give their heart to another like they once had. as such, they don't expect to get anymore than they can give. some are young and just not ready to "go that deep" in a relationship. i'm not saying they won't be loving or faithful. just that they're not ready  to be a primary.




BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:14:18 AM)

I think its very dishonest to collar or seek a slave/sub without her knowing that you are poly or at least want this type of relationship.like they say its to later to lock the barn door after the stock has escaped..bounty



phoenixinchains -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:23:45 AM)

is it poly He wants, or just play? i'm unclear.
no, you can't make anyone poly, bi, or submissive ( and so on) when these things aren't within them.
as for play, well, even vanilla guys have that "two-chics-fantasy" but if the lady of the relationship isn't willing, it stays a fantasy...



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:25:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smythe
I believe that anyone in the submissive role wants to feel that they are satisfying their dominant, so having to go along with a second contradicts that. Unless the second is definitely *second* in the heart and mind of the dom. But then, who would want that second role?

Just more questions...
Smythe

I took 4th place in my ex masters life, and my current partner was once 5th in priority among 5 males in my life.

I was very satisfying in my position as 4th, we all knew what that meant, what was expected and what worked.

As long as you understand and accept where you are, then you can be very happy. 



drawntothedark -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 8:48:40 AM)

I can't and would not be able to handle another girl in Justins life. I know me. I know my limities and poly is one of them. Hats off to the subs who can hack it! I just can't. It's for that reason that poly was discussed before we commited to one another. I was lucky that he didn't want something like that. I have walked away from a few Doms because we were not compatable in that area. I don't think it's wrong.......I'm just not cut out for it.



antigonie -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 9:25:13 AM)

I'm in a poly relationship that's working, but it wasn't always that way. I am the second submissive and in all honesty the beginning of the relationship was very uncomfortable. They wanted me to be submissive to both of Them, though She considered Herself to be His slave. It was uncomfortable for me because They wanted me to be a slave to a slave. She and I both had jealousy issues and that was compounded with my own insecurities about my place in that relationship. Where did I stand? How much could I submit to a fellow submissive? Were They going to grow tired of me and just toss me away? But like anything it just took time to get settled into that relationship.We had to find a dynamic that worked for us and now I couldn't be happier. I now see Her as my Domme and the jealousy seems to have almostly completely disappeared. We're all happy with our little bdsm family and it really is working out for us, but it wasn't easy to get to this point. I think poly relationships take 6 times the work of a "normal" relationship. I think it takes a certain type of person and definitly LOTS of communication. It's not for everyone and I think that couples really need to look at their relationship before they begin looking for a third. If the couple themselves is not honest with each other I can't see how they could ever be happy with a third person.



slavegirljoy -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 9:38:46 AM)

In my case, it wasn't my Master who initiated the search for another sub/slave.  It was this slave who expressed her desire to have a sister slave.  He talked with me at great length about all of the issues involved in expanding O/our family, to make sure that i really understood what i was asking for.  W/we discussed all the issues you raised, along with others.  i made it very clear to Him, that this was my sincerest wish.
 
It has been my desire for a long time, even before becoming a slave, to be a submissive to a Dominant Couple and to have a sister slave to share, not only duties with, but also love, affection, laughs, tears, a bedroom, a bed, and a long life together.
 
In fact, before i learned about CM, i was in contact with some couples through yahoo, who i was considering.  i was searching for a live-in domestic position with a Dominant M/F or D/s M/f couple.  It just so happened that during that same time, i learned of CM and got my profile & pics posted and within a few days, found myself in serious discussion with Master David and that ended all discussions with anyone else.
 
It is my opinion that if a sub/slave is agreeing with her Master to the idea of adding another sub to their lives only for the sake of pleasing her Master and/or out of fear that he might get rid of her if she doesn't go along with it, then there is a great deal of potential for problems, such as jealousy, etc.  But, if the sub truly does want another to join them, then it shouldn't be too difficult, as long as the chemistry is right between them (as in any relationship) and everyone is being really honest with themself and each other about their wants, needs, expectations, etc.
 
Another thing, in my case, i didn't have a romantic or loving relationship with my Master before i became His slave.  i came to Him to be His slave and only His slave.  It was discussed and clearly expressed, during O/our initial discussions, that i would be His slave always and never anything else.  If, at some point, He was to have a girlfriend or wife, i would still be His slave.  The girlfriend or wife, (who would have to be a sub & also a masochist because that is the only kind of woman He is ever interested in), would have to accept me as His slave.  i even asked Him what would happen to me, if a girlfriend or wife didn't want me there and wouldn't He choose her over me.  And, He assured me that He would never even have a girlfriend or wife who wasn't accepting of Him having His slave.
 
So far, O/our search for a sub/slave to join U/us has been unsuccessful.  i have been contacted by women, who say they are very interested and we exchange emails and then they just go "poof" and disappear, with no explanantion or good-bye.
 
W/we have been able to find a few Dommes who have used me for a day and have recently been in contact with a couple of switches, who would be Dominant over me and submissive to my Master.  Still too early to know on either of them, especially since one is in the UK.
 
Well, that's how it is for this slave.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David



fairerthanshe -> RE: your master wants another (5/7/2007 10:33:51 AM)

Greetings smythe,

i am poly - my Master is poly.  We discussed for a long time what that meant to each of us and how are views coincided or meshed before we met.  What we found was that we had similar definitions of what that would look like in real life application.

Oftentimes, girls who would not have a problem with the occasional threesome think they are poly - their Master has a completely different view of what poly means to him, but they have each said the word and not necessarily discussed it fully.  To me, that is when people run into problems.

Master seeks relationships with many different people in the lifestyle and each of those relationships is unique.  I, too, seek many different relationships.  Some of these we share and some will be completely separate from our unique relationship.  One thing for a girl to remember, Master will never treat two slaves exactly the same - ever - each relationship on a chain is different, separate and unique.  I hope i never burden Master with undue jealousy and insecurity - so far so good! lol

well wishes,

fairer than she



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