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Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 8:55:10 AM

puella

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I have been keeping a low-ish profile of late as I have found my mood and responses sort of sinking to a level I do not personally find acceptable.

I have been reflecting on this a bit and wondered if anyone else has ever made this correlation:

It has been over a year and a half since I was released from my collar. Though I understand and accept that it was what was ‘best’ for me, I have found that my ‘nice’ factor has seriously corroded as my solitude marches on. Even when I was so terribly unhappy at the tail end of the relationship and even more so in the initial stages of my release, I think that I was a ‘kinder gentler Jen’ than I am now.

I am not totally sure if anything can be had from that… but I thought it might be an interesting idea to ponder on the forums.

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

Post #: 1

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:00:26 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

In the long term, no.

I'm surprised you're thinking this way- you've seen as much as anyone what heartbreak and tragedy follows when you go for "the collar" rather than "the good relationship." Same as when women go for "the wedding ring" and not "the good marriage."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 2

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:02:40 AM

dawntreader

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

ICan a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

yes... being lonely brings out it's own set of demons whose job is to feed the self-serving ego and destroy fragile positive coping mechanisms. When one is alone, they cannot delude themselves that the other might care somewhere deep inside because the other is no longer there.

i have lived this~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 3

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:03:49 AM

puella

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Oh, don't get me wrong, I am not going for any relationship at all. I am just looking into the way I have, in my own opinion, become less of a 'good' person in some respects (which I think get more pronounced as my the isolation I impose on myself lengthens) in release.

I would never advocate a person go into or back to a relationship which they know will be destructive.

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:04:08 AM

truesub4u

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Good question there. I stopped posting for almost the same reason. I didn't like my own attitude towards some of the postings. My health was getting the better of me and I was getting mean and angry with myself..and towards others.

I'm not sure if I'm yet in that better space that I should be in. Not being in any type of relationship now sort of helps my head space. But then again, not always. But I think it's better than being a destructive, unhappy relationship. Though I've been told before, you learn from all types of relationships how to better yourself... I still think someone was full of it when they said that.. but I think back on mine and find myself agreeing with it again.

I'm pretty sure i'm not realy answering your question...and look forward to seeing others post on this as well.. maybe i'll get the same answers you're looking for. Then we'll both get a heads up on things in our own lives.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 5

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:04:14 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

I would say no.

You just get better at faking happy and faking nice.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 6

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:09:33 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
Oh, don't get me wrong, I am not going for any relationship at all. I am just looking into the way I have, in my own opinion, become less of a 'good' person in some respects (which I think get more pronounced as my the isolation I impose on myself lengthens) in release.

I would never advocate a person go into or back to a relationship which they know will be destructive.

I think you should give it more time. And perhaps look at what you are doing for yourself? What are you doing to give yourself a happy life?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 7

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:10:15 AM

puella

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Hmm, interesting idea.. you can certainly fake being happy, but can you fake being nice.? You are either nice to people or you are not.

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 8

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:11:15 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I have been keeping a low-ish profile of late as I have found my mood and responses sort of sinking to a level I do not personally find acceptable.

I have been reflecting on this a bit and wondered if anyone else has ever made this correlation:

It has been over a year and a half since I was released from my collar. Though I understand and accept that it was what was ‘best’ for me, I have found that my ‘nice’ factor has seriously corroded as my solitude marches on. Even when I was so terribly unhappy at the tail end of the relationship and even more so in the initial stages of my release, I think that I was a ‘kinder gentler Jen’ than I am now.

I am not totally sure if anything can be had from that… but I thought it might be an interesting idea to ponder on the forums.

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

Can other people think you were a "better person"? Sure, if you were kinder and gentler back then, the difference in you might stick out. Do I think it makes you an actual better person? No way, not over the long haul, it would of created a charred husk eventually. Perhaps being less kind and gentle is part of the healing process, I'd take healthy space and being less kind and less gentle over a charred husk of a person anyday.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 9

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:12:34 AM

Copulo

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Joined: 5/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

This is a tricky question. I don’t believe that someone can be a better person if in an unhappy and distractive relationship but I would say that people often feel safer to remain in there own unhappiness than take the brave steps like you did and walk away.
Feeling safe makes us act and feel differently and from the way you used the words, ‘extreme devotion and power exchange’ it is perhaps this safe zone you very much needed.
I don’t know a dot about you puella so I can hardly make a comment on your personal life but I will say this.
When a child has destructive parents that child still loves and adores them. If they had the choice to stay or leave, most would choose to stay for the simple reason that destructive so often equals control.
The same applies to us as adults and especially those with submissive qualities.
Taking back the control of your own life, feelings, emotions should be your first and foremost priority because its you that’s important here.
Your not alone.

< Message edited by Copulo -- 5/7/2007 9:15:58 AM >

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 10

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:12:50 AM

mistoferin

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I've experienced just the opposite. Everyone tells me that I am much nicer to be around now that I am no longer in a bad relationship. Maybe that is a nice way of them saying that I was REALLY a bitch when I was...lol. It really did take me about a year and a half or so to realize how much less stressed I was though.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

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When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 11

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:22:54 AM

CrazyC

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Joined: 9/28/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Hmm, interesting idea.. you can certainly fake being happy, but can you fake being nice.? You are either nice to people or you are not.

Yep you can fake it. Just trust me.

This doesn't mean that you should be out trying to meet new people in this manner. It is a facade that will sooner get the better of the situation. I agree with LA, giving yourself time is good. Healing isn't an over night situation, and finding the right match doesn't come in jack in the boxes. As soon as that happens, get ahold of me...We'll buy a couple of boxes together and find the right ones. ;) lol

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 12

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:24:03 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
Hmm, interesting idea.. you can certainly fake being happy, but can you fake being nice.? You are either nice to people or you are not.

Ha I do it all the time. It's better for everyone. It's also how I keep from killing my alcoholic uncle.

It also helps me to know when I'm being genuinely nice and it makes those moments sweeter for me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 13

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:30:23 AM

MstrssPassion

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Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Hmm, interesting idea.. you can certainly fake being happy, but can you fake being nice.? You are either nice to people or you are not.

I can't really fake being anything but there have been people I've had to work with that think I'm just the nicest person you'll ever meet & to be honest, the whole time I was around them I would make up little imaginary scenarios of how I could torture them & get rid of the body parts without anyone ever knowing.

I guess the trick was that I kept a smile on my face.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 5/7/2007 9:31:05 AM >

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MstrssPassion

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Post #: 14

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:32:30 AM

cloudboy

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Maybe you really haven't changed, but the hyper consciousness of solitude has made it seem so.

The thinking, concern, and analytics you shine on the outside world (in off topic discussions) must have an effect when you turn it on yourself.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/7/2007 9:33:44 AM >

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 15

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:42:21 AM

canupleaseme

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I fake being nice to my ex mother in law every saturday when I drop my U.M off. I hate her she is a bitch, but she thinks I'm adorable now. Being in an abusive relationship with her son made me very meek and shy and a completely different person to who I am now. Sometimes I wish I was still able to be a bit more, whats the word, compliant, it certainly had its advantages but it wasnt really me. My friends have mixed feeling about who I am now, some say they thought I was much nicer when I was married to him others say I'm 100% better now.
I think its only natural to become less nice after a break up, especially when it was a hard going relationship towards the end you have a lot of feelings to deal with. I know I went through grief, guilt, lonliness, bitterness, resentment and blaming the world and his uncle for what happened to me. It took me over 18 months to sort my head out from it all.

_____________________________

Proud mistress

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RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:49:31 AM

PONYSEEKER

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I suppose there can be some aspects that can make the person better like getting all your work done because you want to keep busy so to avoid that other person. I think however over the long term someone would eventually break down. Everyone needs a sense of love and belonging otherwise
what would be the point.

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 17

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 9:55:55 AM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

the isolation I impose on myself lengthens

I'm betting it's time to stop punishing yourself. Self imposed isolation is beneficial for a while as it give you time to regroup and reflect. Perhaps that's all done now and your lack of intimate emotional and physical contact has now become detrimental. Depression can do many things to people. There are some things that you can do, but first an foremost is to stop isolating yourself.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to puella)

Post #: 18

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 10:06:37 AM

slavegirljoy

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From: North Carolina, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella
Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

i don't think so, at least not in my experience.

i have never felt more alone than i did when i was in the midst of a relationship that had started out very good, but had gone downhill. i was in my mid 20's and married to the "Man of my Dreams", older, handsome, charismatic, Dominant, sadistic, fun, intelligent, and so on. But, i found myself feeling more and more isolated from him. We could be sitting a few feet apart and i would feel as though he wasn't even aware that i was there. It was a horribly lonely feeling. i have never felt that lonely when i was actually alone. Nothing good was coming from me being in that state of mind and i knew that i had to get out of it. i had tried to make things better, but nothing was working and i finally had to take myself out of that relationship and get a divorce. i think a lot of it had to do with the fact that i was only 21 when we first met and i was still too immature to be able to handle being married. i learned a lot about myself and have been a better person since then.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 19

RE: Better for D/s? - 5/7/2007 10:14:36 AM

Eruditegirl

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Joined: 3/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Can a person, even if in a potentially destructive and unhappy relationship, be a better person because of some aspect of that relationship (perhaps in this case extreme devotion and power exchange) than if in a ‘healthy space’ (how wildly empowered and new agey of me, eh?) alone?

Sounds to me as if the answers are in the question....you found some positive aspects to this relationship....extreme devotion and power exchange....but obviously you knew you deserved more...to be in a healthier place....even if it mean't being alone....
patience may be a virtue...but with relationships...it's a must too....

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 20

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