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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Knowing his hot buttons isn't about him seeing the benefits, it's about control. And if she saves all of that for later, there's a good chance she'll never get him to submit in the first place.

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ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Knowing his hot buttons isn't about him seeing the benefits, it's about control. And if she saves all of that for later, there's a good chance she'll never get him to submit in the first place.

I am not sure I can agree with you. You are asking her to seduce him with things, he wants to be seduced with power. One is authentic the other feels like a sell out or a cop out. And trust me, you as the sub will know the difference...

Have you been a sub long? If you have had a few domina experiences I think youll realise pretty quickly that the ones that feel the best are the ones where you go where the domme leads, and are intoxicated by her power....no?

I have faith that she will stumble on plenty of hot buttons all by herself, but she wont stumble on her errotic authenticy as easily, no, like AAkasha said, she need to play with her power, push it and toy with it....get comfy with it, otherwise it becomes a pantomimed play and not power play.

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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

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ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Knowing his hot buttons isn't about him seeing the benefits, it's about control. And if she saves all of that for later, there's a good chance she'll never get him to submit in the first place.

I am not sure I can agree with you. You are asking her to seduce him with things, he wants to be seduced with power. One is authentic the other feels like a sell out or a cop out. And trust me, you as the sub will know the difference...

Have you been a sub long? If you have had a few domina experiences I think youll realise pretty quickly that the ones that feel the best are the ones where you go where the domme leads, and are intoxicated by her power....no?

I have faith that she will stumble on plenty of hot buttons all by herself, but she wont stumble on her errotic authenticy as easily, no, like AAkasha said, she need to play with her power, push it and toy with it....get comfy with it, otherwise it becomes a pantomimed play and not power play.

I'm not saying at all what you suggest that I'm saying. I'm not asking her to seduce him "with things" instead of power. Far from it. Nothing that I said precludes the importance of her focusing on her comfort zone, her desires, her fun, her power. The point I've been trying to make, and for some reason it's not getting across, is that knowledge is power. What she does with it is up to her.

What feels like a cop out to me is acting like the sub's psyche has absolutely no relevance. Power and dominance don't exist in a vacuum; they are relationship-oriented concepts. If she wants to dominate a specific person, it certainly makes sense for her to understand what makes him tick. For her to assume that he'll automatically fall into line with absolutely all of her whims, that he's the elusive "twue sub" from the get-go, is not very realistic. You're right, it's not authentic if she's simply catering to his desires instead of focusing on hers. Well, it's just as phony if he's only acting submissive because she doesn't know how to "get to him", to influence him in the direction she wants.

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If the ONLY way she can get a man to submit is by relying on his hot buttons for control, she is better off without him!

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Domination is not about a sub getting his needs met on his terms.

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If a man wants to enjoy real power exchange, he has to be willing to compromise in the beginning for the larger payoff later

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what *most* subs want is a woman who *enjoys* her dominance and it's real enjoyment, not faked enjoyment.

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Using a man's hot buttons for added control or manipulation is "advanced domination." New femdoms need to be thinking about "beginning domination."

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The concept and ability to identify and use a man's fetishes for added control and *enjoy it* isn't something that can be grasped by someone new to domination without potential failure - or simply having a bad time.

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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

Akasha, I understand your concern about a new femdom worrying too much about the sub's wants, and losing herself in the process. That's a valid concern. However, I can't help but take issue with some statements.

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If the ONLY way she can get a man to submit is by relying on his hot buttons for control, she is better off without him!

I have to wonder how you define "hot button", because I'm surprised to see this statement coming from you. Your writings are full of stories about how you pushing a guy's buttons until he's physically quivering, mere putty in your hands. And anyway, outside of physical force, just about the ONLY way to influence another person is to understand and his likes and dislikes and provide appropriate incentives and disincentives. It's often not even noticed, but it's always there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mykaois

Hello,

While my bdsm knowledge is rather wide compared to the majority of the people I know, it's rather basic when it comes to the community itself. I generally find myself to be submissive, but I've been known to be a switcher. Moreso, my submissive knowledge is confined to the bedroom with my significant other who isn't labeled as my dom. And any other knowledge and experience I've gotten so far is photoshoot and modeling related (i.e. posture collar & shibari/bondage).

Anyway, I've been asked by a friend to be his femdom, and I have absolutely no idea where to start. This is a non-sexual relationship. I'm not quite sure what kind of orders to give, and he's pretty open to anything (which one would think would get the creative juices flowing but no...it doesn't help me on decision making).

So, I'm asking both sides to give me advice on what to do and how to act. I know what to expect, I know how to reward and punish, I just don't know how to start.

I hope this post makes sense...

And thanks in advance.

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ORIGINAL: [Of course I use hot buttons to make a man perform for me, or to submit to me - but I did NOT do it that way in the beginning, nor do I think any femdom should be expected to. I have a very clear line in my head about this, because I can remember when my life changed from dominating boyfriends (who had no agenda) to dominating bottoms (who had a list of agendas) vs. dominating submissives (who were a mix) - and the feeling of expectations, the passive aggressive stuff, the manipulation - I was CLEARLY aware of it in many men and had to totally rethink my position on dominance. I know that if when I was a young femdom only doing what I wanted, I had a list of things from the man that he wanted done to him, or hoped for, I would have been stifled and distracted. It isn't until a lady has a comfort level and thrill from the idea of power exchange that she can start to use a man's fetishes as tools.

My theory and processes come from my own experience, my experiences with vanilla girlfriends (in person) who confessed to have "no interest" in female domination until they did it my way, and from dozens of couples who contacted me for advice. Across the board, when a sub can give up his fantasies for the start, and a lady can just enjoy power exchange in a pressure-free way until she realizes what she likes, it's better for the couple. The idea of using a man's fantasies or pushing his buttons is HIGHLY effective, but only after a woman understands what it feels like to have UNCONDITIONAL control for the time; then she can do it without pressure. You keep thinking that it's the sub who is putting pressure on her and it is his fault: NO, it's the WOMAN who puts pressure on herself, and it's a natural female thing to want to please (in many cases), so I recommend removing the submissive "hot buttons" list only so the woman can not pressure herself. Plenty of very nice, non-pressuring type subs may willingly give up their fetishes and ideas and not pressure the lady, but she has the info, and she pressures herself; he can't help it!

A new femdom is so easily distracted by what she thinks she is "supposed" to be doing. She gets these false, unpleasant and sometimes disgusting ideals from porn, S&M stereotypes and her boyfriend/husband's wish lists. When I was a new femdom (18 yrs old) dominating men based on my own urges, if a man had proposed to me that I use strapons, f/fem, or even CBT/nipple torture as a way to "better control him" and even offered it as simple suggestions for my use, I would have been disgusted, felt pressured and the whole time in the back of my head been thinking, "I wonder if he's just waiting for the dildo to come out. He seems bored. He must want something else. I know he said no pressure but I can tell he's hoping I touch his junk!" --- this is a far cry from a woman experimenting with bondage at her own pace, enjoying his reactions, getting into the feeling of using her whole body as a tool and seduction as a tool, and learning that being sexy and empowered is a mindset and not something that comes from toys, acts, or his cock.
AAkasha

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You keep thinking that it's the sub who is putting pressure on her and it is his fault: NO, it's the WOMAN who puts pressure on herself

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Of course I use hot buttons to make a man perform for me, or to submit to me - but I did NOT do it that way in the beginning

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

Akasha, I understand your concern about a new femdom worrying too much about the sub's wants, and losing herself in the process. That's a valid concern. However, I can't help but take issue with some statements.

quote:

If the ONLY way she can get a man to submit is by relying on his hot buttons for control, she is better off without him!

I have to wonder how you define "hot button", because I'm surprised to see this statement coming from you. Your writings are full of stories about how you pushing a guy's buttons until he's physically quivering, mere putty in your hands. And anyway, outside of physical force, just about the ONLY way to influence another person is to understand and his likes and dislikes and provide appropriate incentives and disincentives. It's often not even noticed, but it's always there.

Of course I use hot buttons to make a man perform for me, or to submit to me - but I did NOT do it that way in the beginning, nor do I think any femdom should be expected to.  I have a very clear line in my head about this, because I can remember when my life changed from dominating boyfriends (who had no agenda) to dominating bottoms (who had a list of agendas) vs. dominating submissives (who were a mix) - and the feeling of expectations, the passive aggressive stuff, the manipulation - I was CLEARLY aware of it in many men and had to totally rethink my position on dominance.  I know that if when I was a young femdom only doing what I wanted, I had a list of things from the man that he wanted done to him, or hoped for, I would have been stifled and distracted.  It isn't until a lady has a comfort level and thrill from the idea of power exchange that she can start to use a man's fetishes as tools.

My theory and processes come from my own experience, my experiences with vanilla girlfriends (in person) who confessed to have "no interest" in female domination until they did it my way, and from dozens of couples who contacted me for advice.  Across the board, when a sub can give up his fantasies for the start, and a lady can just enjoy power exchange in a pressure-free way until she realizes what she likes, it's better for the couple.  The idea of using a man's fantasies or pushing his buttons is HIGHLY effective, but only after a woman understands what it feels like to have UNCONDITIONAL control for the time; then she can do it without pressure.  You keep thinking that it's the sub who is putting pressure on her and it is his fault: NO, it's the WOMAN who puts pressure on herself, and it's a natural female thing to want to please (in many cases), so I recommend removing the submissive "hot buttons" list only so the woman can not pressure herself. Plenty of very nice, non-pressuring type subs may willingly give up their fetishes and ideas and not pressure the lady, but she has the info, and she pressures herself; he can't help it!

A new femdom is so easily distracted by what she thinks she is "supposed" to be doing. She gets these false, unpleasant and sometimes disgusting ideals from porn, S&M stereotypes and her boyfriend/husband's wish lists.  When I was a new femdom (18 yrs old) dominating men based on my own urges, if a man had proposed to me that I use strapons, f/fem, or even CBT/nipple torture as a way to "better control him" and even offered it as simple suggestions for my use, I would have been disgusted, felt pressured and the whole time in the back of my head been thinking, "I wonder if he's just waiting for the dildo to come out. He seems bored. He must want something else. I know he said no pressure but I can tell he's hoping I touch his junk!" --- this is a far cry from a woman experimenting with bondage at her own pace, enjoying his reactions, getting into the feeling of using her whole body as a tool and seduction as a tool, and learning that being sexy and empowered is a mindset and not something that comes from toys, acts, or his cock.

Now, fast forward a few years, and guess who was buying strapons on her OWN, and doing CBT with glee and torturing nipples? Of course, it was much more enjoyable once I learned how to take, keep and maintain control with confidence, and I knew what *I wanted* to get from a man's submission. If a woman is not enjoying it, she won't want to experiment.

Akasha

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ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
For the OP - be as common as you like.  I don't need a Goddess.  All I need is a woman I like, find attractive and who has a desire to dominate. 

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ORIGINAL: XYisInferior

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ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
For the OP - be as common as you like.  I don't need a Goddess.  All I need is a woman I like, find attractive and who has a desire to dominate. 

That's very sweet, Peon, and full of common sense.

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ORIGINAL: PeonForHer



For the OP - be as common as you like.