LadyConstanze
Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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I can only talk about what works in my life and the life of people who are my friends, I'm not talking the great abstract of agony aunt handing out advise to faceless people, or something I heard about, and in almost all cases of people I personally know, the woman felt first overwhelmed, didn't know where to start looking, had doubts (which is fairly normal and most of us dealt with it), wanted reassurance, feedback, a bit of open communication and not diving into it headfirst without knowing if it works. The whole labels confused them, what's more if they were open to experimenting with BDSM, their problem was that they found tons of books with "How to" the technical side of things, yet hardly anything where the feelings of the top or dominant were concerned. Most of the websites deal with the ultra heavy stuff, they felt overwhelmed, thought they are possibly doing something wrong, that they have to measure up to some super Domme and will not be able to.
I'm doing stuff now I wouldn't have thought I would ever like would you have asked me 10 years ago, it's a growing into process and I was always drawn to it. To be honest, quite a bit of the stuff I found almost turned me off, where I went "That's not for me" and at that time it wasn't.
Letting a woman fumble around herself in the hope she will grow into it, in most cases I've seen, it doesn't work. Only you hardly ever hear about it, because they turn their back to kink and they aren't on websites like CM to talk about their experiences, because they left BDSM behind, despite the fact that a lot of them were intrigued. A growing dominant needs to be nourished, she needs feedback and emotional support, she does need the excitement of seeing how things work and she needs to build her own confidence in most cases, because only a nutcase would think "I can do that" and start with risky activities.
Somebody who's used to bland food but always wanted to try something a bit spicier will not go and order a Vindaloo, they're going to work their way up, get used to it, it's not different when it comes to BDSM.
Had not somebody told me what he likes and given me positive feedback, it would have taken me a lot longer to get comfortable with it, had he started with "Whatever you like" I would not have been sure where to start, the "That's an activity I really like" and me thinking "Oh that sounds good, I always wonder about it, yes, let's try it" was a good starting point, it made things easier for me.
In the past 5 years I met a lot of couples IRL who had problems, in one case the marriage was on the rocks because he thought she should do what she likes, she felt so overwhelmed and didn't know where to start, he thought she had no interest in it, things escalated, she only talked to me when she said they were getting a divorce and I was a bit stunned, I wasn't even aware that they were into BDSM, over a bottle of wine and a girlie talk, she spilled the beans, for her it looked like he burdened her with all the responsibility and just expected her to become a Domme overnight, when I asked him a few days later why and what, he said he didn't want to top from the bottom or push her, both thought the other had lost interest. It was a typical case of miscommunication and one taking the labels too seriously. When they started talking about expectations and interests, they had the classical DUH moment, not all their kinks mesh, but enough so that both get their needs met. They're not living 24/7, that's a bit hard to do with Ums around, but from what I see quite close to it, he started to do a considerable share of the household duties to give her time, they have playtimes set aside when their young ones are with the in-laws (they also signed them up for Saturday afternoon activities, to have them out of the house), they do a lot of seemingly innocent things but it's basically him serving her. Before that when he attempted to take over her duties, she thought it was a reproach because she didn't do them well enough. When it comes down to any interaction, be it vanilla or kink, it's down to communication, communication, and did I mention communication? People read signals different and it can cause a lot of trouble nobody really needs. And sorry, most men tend to be a bit ham fisted and aren't really great communicators, it is possible to share what works for you without topping from the bottom, but most men will just wade in and it will come off as "I expect you to do...", that doesn't work, but asking her what her fantasies are, or giving her some of yours, but always asking what she thinks about them, that's a different kettle of fish.
In case I'm playing casually with a new person, I also want to know what they like and what their limits are, it gives me a lot more control, those are things I can use.
I think somebody who starts out shouldn't worry about labels at all or be concerned if she's topping or dominating, once she enjoys it, she's going to branch out on her own and she then will find what does it for her and in which direction she wants to go.
_____________________________
There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!
http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html
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RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 
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