Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: too specific and unrealistic?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: too specific and unrealistic? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/11/2010 6:51:38 PM   
sweetobedience1


Posts: 25
Joined: 9/24/2009
Status: offline 		Oh, well, Lucienne, that is definitely one great thing that has come from posting this. I did not know or mean for that to be under "lives for" but rather "hard limit." When creating my profile, I put the mouse over CBT and it said play involving male genitals. I grossly misunderstood.

You've taught me that I need to proofread my profile much better if I'm serious about finding someone.

Thank you!!

< Message edited by sweetobedience1 -- 2/11/2010 6:54:01 PM >

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/11/2010 7:11:05 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

She might even find a noob there.


How many new doms do we see complaining that they can't find someone to experi- ooops, I meant to get together with....


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/11/2010 7:15:11 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

Thanks CarrieO, I meant to refer her to Taken In Hand!

It seems like just the thing, for her.

She might even find a noob there.



Hey, it could happen.


Well, I keep reading the "lid for every jar" stuff here....who knows.  Maybe somewhere...out there in 1950's land there's a Mr. Lid for our little Miss Jar.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/11/2010 7:30:49 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

You can want and expect whatever you want OP.  It doesn't mean you will or will not wind up with just that.  It means that, in the end, you are going to either wind up with what you need or you will find yourself quite alone.  It all depends on how reasonable your expectations are and how flexible you are.  Flexible and settling are not the same thing.  Flexible is being able to identify what you really want in different shapes, sizes, containers, wrappers, and label.

I have told this story before, but it bears repeating yet again.  My partner was NOT even REMOTELY what I thought I was looking for.  The dynamics he was looking for scared me or made me a little squimish.  He ripped down just about all my hard limits (and, yes, they were in fact hard limits).  My world went upside down.  You know what though?  He is exactly who I need in my life.  I didn't settle.  I still chose a good man.  I chose someone who was sound and a healthy partner.  I chose someone who did have emotional attachment with me (I need that, some don't).  I chose someone who valued my well being.  That person just didn't come in the package I expected.

Your expectations and wish list may be unrealistic.  It may be perfectly realistic, but not what actually fits YOU the best.  A lot of times our list is the meshing of what we've been told we should want in a partner, our fears, and our fairytale fondest wishes.  There's nothing wrong with that.  The only thing that is problematic is when we hold on to things that don't really fit us and deny ourselves peace and joy in our lives.  I wish you the best in your search and hope you will be able to spot that good thing when he presents himself.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/11/2010 7:35:48 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1


I don't think I could take being with someone who has had many sexual partners...(I've tried that, and I had a miserable time trying to put his past experiences out of my head).


You should start with a new nic. I'm thinking.... 2manyIssues4service


_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/11/2010 7:50:28 PM   
OriginallyFromLA


Posts: 87
Joined: 2/10/2010
Status: offline 		I don't buy it. Call me paranoid if you want.

_____________________________

We keep you alive to serve this ship. Row well, and live.-Quintas Arius

Love IS pain, Highness. Anyone that says different is selling something.-Dread Pirate Roberts

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/11/2010 9:12:49 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1

I, almost desperately sometimes, want a man who is a true leader who makes me become a better person, morally, spiritually, and mentally, etc.


Someone else shouldn't be making you a better person. That's something you have to be able to achieve on your own. I'm not going to say that your "wish list" is totally unrealistic, but there are a lot of conflicting things about it that others have pointed out.

Your daydreaming seems to be interfering with living your life and I can promise you that your knight in shining armor isn't going to come knocking at your door while you stare off into space thinking about him.

You chose your list of likes and dislikes based on the description you got when you hovered over the item? It would seem you might want to learn a bit more about those things before determining that you "live for" or "love them." It sounds more like most of those things should be in the "curious about" section. I don't mean that as an insult in any way. Being curious about everything is a great thing, but if you have "lives for" and "loves" checked off on things that you have never done, someone may respond to you based on that and you can find out that you don't like that stuff as much as you thought you would and then there is a conflict for sure.

Taken in Hand seems much better suited for what you are seeking to be honest. Join social groups within your church. After all, you want to find a man who shares your interest in the church, what better place to look? In the meantime, start reading up on the stuff you think is of interest to you. Not reading fantasy romance novels, but stuff that talks about the activities in reality to get a better idea about those activities.

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 12:03:26 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I don't think I could take being with someone who has had many sexual partners


I highlighted this sentence for no other reason than that is is indicative of unrealistic expectations. It is not impossible that you might find someone who fits your entire wish list, but very unlikely - and how would you ensure someone conforms, do they get to fill out a questionnaire? Do an intake interview? Would you use a screening agency? You can't have your sister bop 'em first, because they have to be an almost-virgin.

I see a fair amount of profiles that are pretty close to what you wrote here, and to me they stem from the same syndrome that people who think they know "how they look" fall prey to. The concept that you will get happy with someone who fits your checklist makes no sense - happiness isn't an addition. What exactly is "many sexual partners"? Three? Eleven? 347? Healthy males are biologically programmed to spread their seed - do you realize that a man who doesn't try may well be psychologically suspect? That if he hasn't fucked around, he very likely won't have much sex with you, either - his hormone pump, after all, has been pumping since he was 13. In general, if you're looking for an all around 1950s man, you are 60 years late - there are only 2010 men to be had, this year. 1950s men, by now, are 80 years old, and type with two fingers.

You say it in your profile: you are "wholesome looking". First of all, there is no such thing. No man will have a coffee with a couple of friends, see you pass by, and say "what a wholesome girl". No eligible bachelor has ever said to you "I love your wholesome looks!" We stopped saying that in 1880 - and what is worse, it doesn't mean anything. Look up what the word means, then go into Macy's with me, and point out the wholesome men and women.

Secondly, how you look is not for you to determine. We determine how you look to us, and that is based on our experience, knowledge, culture, etc. It is important for you to remember that what you see in the mirror, nobody else sees, and that what you see in the mirror has absolutely no bearing on how you will be perceived by others. The only thing that matters is what I see, and you can only find out what I see by asking me, and then hoping I will be honest, and not just saying what you want to hear.

Let me put it a different way: your checklist will most likely lead to your buying a Ferrari. Only once you have that in front of your house, do you discover that Ferraris are extraordinarily hard to drive, in the shop more than in front of your house, and that, at your age, the insurance will bankrupt you. One snowflake in your driveway, and you can't even get it out of your garage. With its form fitting rigid bucket seats, you can't make out in a Ferrari. You can't make love on the hood, because it'll dent. Put your foot down, and you have two points on your license - plus two more the prosecutor and the judge get you, because they hate ostentatious people in cars they cannot afford. And people with Ferraris always have four other cars, go shopping in the Ford Focus, and to the theatre in the Mercedes, you really cannot put that new lawnmower in the Ferrari's non-existent trunk, and it doesn't belong in the Home Depot parking lot, anyway.

By all means get the Ferrari if you must, but remember: a Ferrari is not a car, it is an ornament. And ornaments you can look at, but not love. Enjoy, admire, drive, show off, but not love.

/soapbox

< Message edited by antipode -- 2/12/2010 12:05:50 AM >

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 12:44:04 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Yeah. What Antipode said.

OP, you've got to change your way of thinking, or you'll never be happy. And that seems to be why you've posted this thread. You seem to be waking up a bit, maybe about to grow up a bit and venture forth into some more realistic expectations. So kudos to you, for making the initial effort. Now, follow through. Get whatever help you need, but don't drop the ball- or you'll be paying for it later. Increase your momentum.

Thought control, dear. Only YOU can change the way you think. If you wait for some magical dom to come along and try to change you, you won't be the kind of person that would attract a top quality dom, anyway. He'll pass you by in a New York minute. Then some asshole will come along and fool you that he really is all those things you dream of, because he'll see that he can get you to fall for that-  long enough for him to hurt you, use you, and throw you away when he's done. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you're ripe for the picking. Assholes can smell fools, a mile away. Watch for your inbox to fill up, when they read this thread. Be careful! 

And anyway, how would you like it if someone judged you with the same kind of unrealistic expectations that you've been cultivating? Its just sooo not cool. What if he wanted some "wholesome" girl, but yet she had to be darn near perfect, both in and out of the bedroom? Why would you even want someone who would want someone like that? You'd think he was in la-la land, and you'd know right from the start that there'd be no way to live up to his impossible standards. So you'd either run screaming away immediately (I sure would) or you'd consign yourself to a life of certain misery, as you failed to live up to his steady stream of unreasonable expectations.

Good for you, for coming here to try to get some much-needed perspective, so you can make some meaningful change in your life. Change your thoughts, and you change your world.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 2:28:47 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Unfortunately Mr Perfect does not exist... some seem perfect at first, but sooner or later you find out that they are not... it usually starts with farting and slowly they start to stink more and more...
it is a fact of live i am afraid
learn to compromise!!!
and buy pegs

good luck

< Message edited by ranja -- 2/12/2010 2:29:53 AM >

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 3:01:27 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1

I, almost desperately sometimes, want a man who is a true leader who makes me become a better person, morally, spiritually, and mentally, etc. I dream of meeting a man who goes to church regularly and realizing while dating him that he wants to be in charge. Then, I want to slowly find that it's more than just being in charge but that he wants to discipline me, make decisions for me, have me respect him like a King or Papa, and that his sexual fantasies are very kinky.

I want him to be fairly new to this Dom/sub thing (I don't mean a virgin necessarily but someone who would never, ever have sex before loving someone and at least considering marriage). I want him to have always been afraid to express his desires, his want to dominate an owned but loved female conflicting with his upbringing and usual way he interacts with people as a gentlemen.

I don't think I could take being with someone who has had many sexual partners...
However, as wholesome as I want this man to be, I crave the D/s dynamic and, in time, would want him to be very dominant in bed, as well. I need to be in love with someone to be sexual and want to find someone who feels the same way. I think the best summary of what I want is an all-around 1950s man, meaning not only would he like that type of household but also would not want to rush or push the sexual aspect, a real gentlemen as you might picture in a movie from the 50s.

I'm in a rough spot, emotionally. Do you think what I'm asking for is unreasonable or unclear?

Does anyone else feel that they are simply too specific in their search and need to focus on meeting real people a bit more and giving them a chance?



In a word, yes, too specific.

The thing is, you've invented this *man* already. Not just basic things, but his feelings, internal struggles etc. That's too specific.

This is far more wide-reaching and realistic..

" It's not wanting phenomenal in bed but a passion for some kink. For the second, I don't believe that I earn the best but someone likewise who loves God, doesn't sleep around, and likes to grow as a person, which is how I am. As far as specifically what would make him fall in love with me versus another, it's, in my opinion, all about shared life goals, being comfortable enough to be as silly as you want without feeling weird, sharing the same thought patterns, and feeling love toward them."

.....and also, think about the fact that everything in your first post may be completely present in someone you happen across, and you STILL may not like plenty of OTHER things about them......and they may very well not give YOU a second glance.

In answer to your last question, another yes. Meet people as people, as *someone I'd like to know*, not as *potential something or other*, then you might drop your blinkers and actually SEE them for the person they are, without mentally measuring them up as your potential husband, father of your babies, leader, dominant partner and life coach.

agirl







(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 3:33:36 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		OP - your perfect man reads as if you found him in a bodice-ripper book. One where the man is everything the heroine wants, without the morning breath and cover-raising farts of the real man. I used to read harliquine romance novels when i was a sweet young thing and boy, if that was where i took my expectations of manhood, i would have been sadly disappointed!

No man is as good as your imagination , because your imagination forgets to put in the bits about wanting Captain Crunch for breakfast, and not eating green vegetables. I think you need to forget the laundry list of wants, and date some real men. Don't go into it as finding the perfect partner, because you won't. There is always something that doesn't mesh with your "ideal", but if you are wise, you will compromise to have a great relationship.

and i think the thing you need to compromise on is that your ideal man will gradually discover his dominant side. I was married to a man with dominant traits - and it was hell! He wanted to be incharge without anything in it for me. A man who is comfortable with a bdsm identity is a whole lot more reasonable in my book.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 3:50:02 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I was contacted by a man who I never even knew existed because he was filtered out by my search criteria. That criteria was based on what I thought was the perfect man for me. Was I ever wrong. He has turned out to be the most amazing man and the most incredible match. It is as if he was made for me. I would have missed out on the most wonderful experiences of my life had he never contacted me and had I never decided to try something outside of my "box".
OP...Don't limit yourself to something so specific.

_____________________________



(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 3:57:12 AM   
DarlingSavage


Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1

I feel such a longing for this man I dream of in my head. I've gotten so specific because I daydream so much, and I am beginning to think that having that specific man in my dreams is hindering my chances of finding someone in reality. I, almost desperately sometimes, want a man who is a true leader who makes me become a better person, morally, spiritually, and mentally, etc. I dream of meeting a man who goes to church regularly and realizing while dating him that he wants to be in charge. Then, I want to slowly find that it's more than just being in charge but that he wants to discipline me, make decisions for me, have me respect him like a King or Papa, and that his sexual fantasies are very kinky.

I want him to be fairly new to this Dom/sub thing (I don't mean a virgin necessarily but someone who would never, ever have sex before loving someone and at least considering marriage). I want him to have always been afraid to express his desires, his want to dominate an owned but loved female conflicting with his upbringing and usual way he interacts with people as a gentlemen.

I don't think I could take being with someone who has had many sexual partners...(I've tried that, and I had a miserable time trying to put his past experiences out of my head). However, as wholesome as I want this man to be, I crave the D/s dynamic and, in time, would want him to be very dominant in bed, as well. I need to be in love with someone to be sexual and want to find someone who feels the same way. I think the best summary of what I want is an all-around 1950s man, meaning not only would he like that type of household but also would not want to rush or push the sexual aspect, a real gentlemen as you might picture in a movie from the 50s.

I'm in a rough spot, emotionally. Do you think what I'm asking for is unreasonable or unclear?

Does anyone else feel that they are simply too specific in their search and need to focus on meeting real people a bit more and giving them a chance?

A paraphrased quote from "Son of a Witch" also explains a little of what I want: "She will need a husband with a strong back-hand. Her fanny is begging for a spanking."...in private, of course.




So far, I think what you're looking for is called a "Promise Keeper".

You're only 24 yrs old, so I think that if you stick to men your own age, that go to church, you shouldn't have any problems finding someone with little to no experience. Hang out with the church boys. There's nothing wrong with being specific about what you want. It's good to know exactly what you want. However, if they're not able to express their dominant side, you can expect to be in this a while, if ever, before finding out whether or not they're dominant.

Then again, kiwi made some valid points about dominant males that aren't in touch with that aspect of their personas.

However, you might introduce your prospective dom to Christian Domestic Discipline and Loving Domestic Discipline, which I can only seem to find 'blogs on. Just google it. However, these are real "movements" that couples, particularly christian married couples, are getting into.

Or you could do what Aileen did and abandon yourself to the winds of fate and end up with something fantastic.

Anyway, good luck.


< Message edited by DarlingSavage -- 2/12/2010 4:00:11 AM >

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 3:57:25 AM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

She might even find a noob there.


How many new doms do we see complaining that they can't find someone to experi- ooops, I meant to get together with....



Those would be the ones who self identify as Doms right?
 
Problem is no one else sees them that way.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 4:01:50 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
and had I never decided to try something outside of my "box".




_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 4:02:59 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Hi OP
People say nothing is impossible but I do believe you are being unrealistic. First of all why would the number of bed partners he had in the past be an issue for you? To me that speaks loudly of your own insecurities. It has nothing to do with the present time. Would't it be enough for you if he had your religious point of view?

You are very specific and leave no room to bend, at aleast that is how it appears. It is a fantasy and as a rule fantasies tarnish. Would you be willing to rid some of these wants you have and replace them with a few needs? There is a big difference.

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to DarlingSavage)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 4:08:29 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
and had I never decided to try something outside of my "box".





Ha!

_____________________________



(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 4:19:51 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		"Religious" people can be kinky, too. Why not try a religion-based dating site?

I once dated a Mormon guy, and his ideas out-kinked a LOT of the people's in here, lol. But, he had a come out of a 20-year marriage and had had (so he said) very few partners.

So hey, it's worth a try. I wouldn't state my sexual preferences blatantly in the profile, but you could allude to them by saying something like "I'm adventurous". You can discuss details later on.l

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 4:47:31 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The dichotomy I see is between a strong leader and someone who is heavily religious. See, a church going devout guy is going to submit to the church and follow what he's told by the religious leader of your congregation. And someone who submits to someone else like that isn't likely to come home and then magically morph into this powerful person. If he is that powerful a personality, then he won't tamely follow someone else's rules.

So you might want to rethink this. I suggest looking for someone who is spiritual but not conventionally religious. Who believes the Bible, but not the pastor. Who will be okay with you going to church and even accompanying you as a gift to you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: too specific and unrealistic? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109