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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 5:02:23 AM   
Rochsub2009


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1

Do you think what I'm asking for is unreasonable or unclear?

Does anyone else feel that they are simply too specific in their search and need to focus on meeting real people a bit more and giving them a chance?



As others have pointed out, your fantasy IS a bit specific.  Moreover, some of the elements of it may be in conflict (although not necessarily mutually exclusive).

Your desire that he be into God, yet kinky might be viewed as conflicting by some.  Many religious people look badly upon kink.  Moreover, many religious people who have kinky fantasies often feel guilty about having them, and suppress those fantasies.  The guy you are looking for might fall into that category, so getting the info out of him may be difficult.  Think about it.  How do you bring up your kink fantasy to a guy you met at church?  What if you've read him wrong, and discover that he is appalled by your "disgusting" kink?

You say that you don't want someone who has slept around, but what does that mean? Two previous partners?  3?  5?  20?  How do you quantify "slept around"?

i also think that you are going to find that the Doms who have the greatest ability to fulfill your kink are those who have experience.  But that fact may be in conflict with your desire that he be inexperienced sexually.

Hope that helps.

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 5:12:10 AM   
LadyAngelika


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I'm not religious but rather atheist. And I'm not a prude. So I'm not going to defend the OP's desires, but I will say this.

But I know enough religious people involved in WIITWD and they don't feel guilty about it one bit. If you are really just focusing on the D/s part of the relationship and not the sexual stuff, how does this go against most religions? Not sure...

For the record, I didn't have to go through 2 dozen men to hone my skills as a Domme. Experience doesn't mean multiple partners.

Is she looking for a needle in a haystack, perhaps. But as I said in my intial response to her, as long as she realises that she is and she's fine with that, I really don't see why she needs to lower her standards. Personally, I would rather be alone than in a relationship with someone who isn't right for me.

That said, I agree with Aileen's post earlier on where she rights that if we permit ourselves to go outside our "box", we might find someone awesome. In my experience, awesome doesn't always necessarily mean well suited, though there are chances that it may. Personally, I would not be with someone who doesn't make *my* core list of non-negotiables but am absolutely open to meeting people outside my comfort zone.

- LA

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 5:19:36 AM   
Rochsub2009


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I'm not religious but rather atheist. And I'm not a prude. So I'm not going to defend the OP's desires, but I will say this.

But I know enough religious people involved in WIITWD and they don't feel guilty about it one bit. If you are really just focusing on the D/s part of the relationship and not the sexual stuff, how does this go against most religions? Not sure...



Religion and kink are not necessarily in conflict.  But to some they are.

i consider myself to be a religious person, and i am also kinky.  But i know many religious people who allow their religion to also make them uptight.  For example, many Catholics have high degrees of guilt associated with a lot of things.  Anyone who went to Catholic school knows that most nun's primary role seems to be to "instill guilt".  

Also, many conservative born-again Christians look unfavorably upon WIITWD.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 5:52:36 AM   
stella41b


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Being demanding I can understand, having desires I can get too, and having standards as well, but what I just can't get my head around is how the OP has worked out how she's going to be, how he's going to be, and what the relationship is like even before she's met anyone.

You see the thing is, the people who you might be attracted to might not be attracted to you, and you might not find the people who you attract attractive at first sight but you never know, once you get to know them this might change.

Also there's nothing wrong with wanting a certain type of relationship, or having specific needs within that relationship, but how do you know that the other person might not have better ideas for the relationship? Or indeed need or want things which interest you more than the notions of being in a relationship which you have in your head?

There's also this concept known as friendship which allows you to get to know someone before you even get to the relationship stage.

Yes there are people out there who have found their ideal relationship through the Internet and it has probably worked out the way they imagined it. But there's probably far more people out there who are alone, and lonely, and they're lonely simply because they have convinced themselves that they haven't ever met their 'match'.

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 6:36:51 AM   
DesFIP


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About the multiple partners thing, I'm betting your bad experience came from a twit who kept telling you about all of his exes, and how they sucked cock better, had bigger boobs, etc. That isn't true for everyone.

What about someone who has had multiple partners but wasn't satisfied with any of them because none of them were right for him? And who tells you that you're better than all of his ex list because you complete him in a way none of them ever did? Can you see how that would be hot?

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 6:54:22 AM   
Lucienne


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
Religion and kink are not necessarily in conflict.  But to some they are.

i consider myself to be a religious person, and i am also kinky.  But i know many religious people who allow their religion to also make them uptight.  For example, many Catholics have high degrees of guilt associated with a lot of things.  Anyone who went to Catholic school knows that most nun's primary role seems to be to "instill guilt".  

Also, many conservative born-again Christians look unfavorably upon WIITWD.



Ok, as long as we're speaking in generalities... I've got to start with a shout out for nuns and state that their primary role is to actually administer all the helpful healing educational programs while the priests are busy with, at best, sacraments and pastoral care, and, at worst, sitting around in fancy mansions getting really angry that someone out there is enjoying gay sex. At the grade school level, Catholic schools have long valued discipline, and to the extent that sisters were the most obvious representatives of the Church present, they were/are expected to pursue that mission. Some of the coolest women I have ever known were/are nuns and it wasn't because they were "instilling guilt." Also, if being raised Catholic didn't allow one to develop really good guilt-management skills then they did it wrong.

Any ol hoo ha... back focused on kink in alleged conflict with religion. That D/s with the man in charge is perfectly complementary to fundamentalist religious beliefs is kind of a no-brainer. But there's a decent streak of S/m and M/s in Catholicism. The Jesuits take a vow to obey their superior. Self-flagellation has been practiced for over a thousand years. JP2 probably knew what "subspace" was, but he didn't view it as kinky, he saw it as transcendent. God won't show up to administer the beatings, so people administer them to themselves. If you suss around in the (borderline heretical) beliefs of Mother Teresa, there's a theme of suffering as a manifestation of love and I'd argue the woman was a sadist who took enormous satisfaction in the suffering of others. She didn't personally inflict that suffering (ok, that point can actually be argued when you consider how her hospitals were run in a near subsistence manner), but she was positively energized by its presence. Basically, the bdsm impulses aren't exactly a post-modern phenomena in humanity and have long found satisfaction in corners of the Catholic Church.

Now, to the Mormons... surprisingly sex-positive. They're not as caught up in the "non-procreative sex is baaaad" as some other religions. They do tend to value staying a virgin until you're married, but once you're married the gloves come off (no pun intended). There's a blog run by some mormon wives that was created as a safe place for them to give each other advice about sexual initiation and practice. I'm talking a sister in law taking the groom shopping for sex toys and giving him basic instruction on how to use it on his wife on their wedding night. Very frank stuff. I'd think that incorporation of kinkier things would be relatively guilt-free assuming compatible interests.

As already noted, I think there are plenty of fundamentalist men who'd take to power exchange like bees to honey. As for the kinkier stuff... well, I think there are plenty of fundamentalists who are raging hypocrites. And when you've got mega-churches built around the perverse idea that Jesus wants you to be wealthy, it seems to me that reconciling a little kinky sex with one's spiritual beliefs would be relatively easy to do.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 7:00:48 AM   
Lucienne


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
What about someone who has had multiple partners but wasn't satisfied with any of them because none of them were right for him?


What about thinking about human sexuality as a practice, rather than a commodity that you keep a proper accounting of and mostly hoard? I know, I know... crazy talk!

Not intending to lash out at you, Des. You're approaching the OP's attitudes in a generous manner and suggesting helpful perspective shifts. I'm more inclined to blow up the foundation.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 7:27:27 AM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1

I feel such a longing for this man I dream of in my head. I've gotten so specific because I daydream so much, and I am beginning to think that having that specific man in my dreams is hindering my chances of finding someone in reality. I, almost desperately sometimes, want a man who is a true leader who makes me become a better person, morally, spiritually, and mentally, etc. I dream of meeting a man who goes to church regularly and realizing while dating him that he wants to be in charge. Then, I want to slowly find that it's more than just being in charge but that he wants to discipline me, make decisions for me, have me respect him like a King or Papa, and that his sexual fantasies are very kinky.

I want him to be fairly new to this Dom/sub thing (I don't mean a virgin necessarily but someone who would never, ever have sex before loving someone and at least considering marriage). I want him to have always been afraid to express his desires, his want to dominate an owned but loved female conflicting with his upbringing and usual way he interacts with people as a gentlemen.

I don't think I could take being with someone who has had many sexual partners...(I've tried that, and I had a miserable time trying to put his past experiences out of my head). However, as wholesome as I want this man to be, I crave the D/s dynamic and, in time, would want him to be very dominant in bed, as well. I need to be in love with someone to be sexual and want to find someone who feels the same way. I think the best summary of what I want is an all-around 1950s man, meaning not only would he like that type of household but also would not want to rush or push the sexual aspect, a real gentlemen as you might picture in a movie from the 50s.

I'm in a rough spot, emotionally. Do you think what I'm asking for is unreasonable or unclear?

Does anyone else feel that they are simply too specific in their search and need to focus on meeting real people a bit more and giving them a chance?

A paraphrased quote from "Son of a Witch" also explains a little of what I want: "She will need a husband with a strong back-hand. Her fanny is begging for a spanking."...in private, of course.




Honestly, I read all the replies and I have nothing magical to say but pay attention to the advice and wake up.

What you want at 24 may change as you get older; mine certainly did.

Instead of daydreaming, make making yourself into the kind of person YOU like will go towards achieving your goal. Instead of creating some moral code where religion meets kink, try being open minded and decide what means more to you. You might get some, a little, a lot or none of it.

If your goal is to find a compatible guy, that might happen.

If your goal is to find a perfect guy, keep dreaming.

OP, sometimes in life you do not always get what you think you deserve, circumstances, luck and personal choices may interfere with dreams.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/12/2010 7:28:49 AM >

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 8:27:22 AM   
SlaveSimone


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Just a hint OP,  but my life improved durastically when I stopped spending so much time daydreaming. When you expect the things that make up your fantasies to happen in the real world, major disappointment will ensue. While yes, I do feel that your laundry list of expectations may be a tad unrealistic in itself, I think the bigger problem here is that you have spent so much time dreaming up this whole persona for your potential partner, that you are going to be sorely disappointed with any man you come across. No one is ever going to compare to an imaginary partner that you have spent that much time creating, its like an auother expecting some pink alien man from the planet bazzooka to pop right out of their latest sci-fi romance novel. My advice would be to stop daydreaming completely for a while, and spend what ever time you would have spent in lala land getting to know the real world, and the real people that are in it. Leave your expectations at the door, nothing will ever add up to them, and the disappointment is just not worth it.

Good luck,
Simone

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 8:29:20 AM   
dreamerdreaming


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne
If you suss around in the (borderline heretical) beliefs of Mother Teresa, there's a theme of suffering as a manifestation of love and I'd argue the woman was a sadist who took enormous satisfaction in the suffering of others. She didn't personally inflict that suffering (ok, that point can actually be argued when you consider how her hospitals were run in a near subsistence manner), but she was positively energized by its presence.


Wow. Way to rip on Mother Teresa.

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 8:37:13 AM   
Lucienne


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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne
If you suss around in the (borderline heretical) beliefs of Mother Teresa, there's a theme of suffering as a manifestation of love and I'd argue the woman was a sadist who took enormous satisfaction in the suffering of others. She didn't personally inflict that suffering (ok, that point can actually be argued when you consider how her hospitals were run in a near subsistence manner), but she was positively energized by its presence.


Wow. Way to rip on Mother Teresa.


Haha. What the hell do you know about Mother Teresa other than the standard "Patron Saint of Public Relations" bullshit?

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 8:38:06 AM   
specialk2611


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To the OP,

I don't think there's anything wrong with the specifics you mentioned or the amount of them.  They don't sound unrealistic.

Alot of them sound like neccesary elements or maybe common elements in successful D/s relationships.  The only real specifics - Church, Limited sexual partners, 1950's type of man (whatever that means, lol).  So from the content of your words, there's nothing wrong.

But looking deeper, you're asking the question for a reason and you did drift off into romance/idealistic world a little bit, so that gives you an insight into your mind.

Core question I would ask you is, fantasy or reality?  Are you afraid of things becoming real, or the obligations of a non-perfect relationship,  and prefer the ideal? 

Or are you functioning fine, and can do with or without someone, preferring to meet the right person than the wrong person?

I think you know yourself and your history and that will reflect the answer to the question.

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 9:05:12 AM   
Mercnbeth


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this slave used to think that finding someone who would accept her submission, not just in the bedroom or on Friday night dates or whenever THEY weren't feeling submsisive---but all the time was SO specific and unrealistic that she convinced herself she would NEVER find a relationship partner. so she gave up looking for one.

instead, she searched for a friend that would help her navigate the local scene...munches, dungeons, parties, events...so that she could at least enjoy some adult fun and frolic as she was convinced she was an undesirable relationship partner, yet very much a slut.

met Master on a BDSM personals site 7 years ago and we have the most incredible intimate relationship this slave has ever known...and this slave was decidedly NOT looking for that.

best of wishes to you.


< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 2/12/2010 9:06:41 AM >

(in reply to sweetobedience1)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 9:32:44 AM   
dreamerdreaming


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne
If you suss around in the (borderline heretical) beliefs of Mother Teresa, there's a theme of suffering as a manifestation of love and I'd argue the woman was a sadist who took enormous satisfaction in the suffering of others. She didn't personally inflict that suffering (ok, that point can actually be argued when you consider how her hospitals were run in a near subsistence manner), but she was positively energized by its presence.


Wow. Way to rip on Mother Teresa, LOL! 



Haha. What the hell do you know about Mother Teresa other than the standard "Patron Saint of Public Relations" bullshit?

Fixed.


I'm an atheist. I did a little work with her order of nuns while I was overseas, but that was after she died.






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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 10:04:00 AM   
wondering5


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Fast reply -

My husband and are into D/s, are evangelical Christians - and have zero guilt about it.  I was a virgin when we married, he'd had one previous partner.  It didn't take us long to fall into our own dynamic when we started dating and the longer we're together, the better it is. 

Was I looking for him?  No.  I certainly wasn't out looking with a checklist for a kinky Christian.  So I don't think you're being unrealistic, and I don't think you're being that specific.  As long as you make it generally about finding someone religious who's into D/s, I don't think you'll have a problem.  But don't make the relationship about that.  Find someone who fits those general conditions and make the relationship work for the two of you.

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 10:20:25 AM   
AquaticSub


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~Fast Reply~

My answer may piss some people off but so be it.

OP, have you ever read "Gone With The Wind"? Scarlett creates this fantasy of her perfect man and assigns it to Ashley, causing just about everyone in their lives a whole lot of trouble and, in the end, she loses the guy who truly loves her. At least till the next book.

Now, don't take me the wrong way - I'm not saying you are doomed to that fate. I'm just saying that you may want to focus less on your perfect guy and focus more on finding a guy who makes you laugh, who you have fun with. Who puts his arm around your waist instinctively to lead you up the stairs. Whatever it is that makes your knees melt.

Wanting a kinky guy who is always religious isn't impossible. But it is a little harder. Speaking as someone who has been around for a few years, there seem to be fewer of us. However, we do exist. I would suggest you start googling "Your religion" + BDSM and see what you get. I'd also make profiles on the dating sites specifically aimed at religious folks. Then just bite the bullet and put on your profile "I want a guy who is willing to explore this with me!".

From my point of view, you are so focused on what you think you want that you could very well miss the perfect guy for you. Remember that old saying?

Want to hear G-d laugh? Tell him your plans.

_____________________________

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 10:44:08 AM   
Lucienne


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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne
If you suss around in the (borderline heretical) beliefs of Mother Teresa, there's a theme of suffering as a manifestation of love and I'd argue the woman was a sadist who took enormous satisfaction in the suffering of others. She didn't personally inflict that suffering (ok, that point can actually be argued when you consider how her hospitals were run in a near subsistence manner), but she was positively energized by its presence.


Wow. Way to rip on Mother Teresa, LOL! 



Haha. What the hell do you know about Mother Teresa other than the standard "Patron Saint of Public Relations" bullshit?

Fixed.


I'm an atheist. I did a little work with her order of nuns while I was overseas, but that was after she died.






EDit: lol at self. Just figured out the "fixed."


< Message edited by Lucienne -- 2/12/2010 10:46:15 AM >

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 1:19:39 PM   
sweetobedience1


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Yes, to some people I may not look wholesome or what my interpretation of wholesome may be. I'm a teacher, and I just know that I get comments day in and day out about how sweet and young I look. I also am fairly conservative in my dress. Since I decided to not add a picture I did want to put a comment about my general looks. Perhaps it isn't a good word choice.

I don't want the man I'm looking for to meet people online for sex. It's huge for me to have someone who doesn't participate in casual sex. Since I've joined, I've gotten emails from several men wanting to play right away or to train me. I want to find someone who is actively looking to be married sometime in the not so distant future and who keeps that in mind when searching for someone. People can lie, yes.

My last boyfriend was Muslim, very dominant but not sexual with me, and slept around with a lot of other girls while we were together. I was very patient because I loved everything else about him (even his farting and endearing lack of social skills). He wouldn't explain to me why he could easily have sex with other girls except for me other than his "love (for me) got in the way." We broke up because of that after a few chances of him promising he had stopped. It was unsafe, and I couldn't trust him. He believed it was his right as a man; I disagreed.

My only other long-term relationship was with a man who was Catholic, a virgin, and very interested in kink, but who was a weak man in other areas, imo. He hated making decisions. That annoyed me, but we worked out until after college. He left me because the pressures of getting a job and having someone rely on him to meet her halfway (I was working; he was sitting at home doing noting) was too much for him.

There are people all in the middle, and I need to be open to them. I date a fair amount, go to church, and am in a couple of young adult Christian groups. I'm taking ice skating and acting lessons for fun and to meet friends. I've been taking GRE study courses and hope to go back to college for my Master's soon. People at my school set me up a lot. I'm on other dating sites besides this one.

I do like Taken in Hand from what I read about it last night. I am looking for a future HoH.


I also feel I've said "makes me a better person" in the wrong way. I mean encourages me and themselves to grow and be better people. I want someone who likes to learn and try new things. I'm active and like to try new activities or keep up with old ones. I'd like to be with someone who is at least open to also doing that. I also try to do what I consider to be the right thing and would like to be with someone whose advice I would seek, just as I hope I find someone who is fairly in tune with my own thought patterns and general moral compass. If they are not, imo, a pretty good person and are continually making decisions I really disagree with, I don't think I could respect them very much as a mate or Dom. And by those decisions, I mean moral decisions not which brand of cat litter to buy or music to play. :) All of this is entirely subjective to what I and the person in question consider the right thing to do.

A strong want for me is for them to believe in God. Going to church isn't a main priority, especially since I have dated several Muslim men, too. :)





< Message edited by sweetobedience1 -- 2/12/2010 1:21:51 PM >

(in reply to Lucienne)
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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 1:25:27 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

~Fast Reply~

My answer may piss some people off but so be it.

OP, have you ever read "Gone With The Wind"? Scarlett creates this fantasy of her perfect man and assigns it to Ashley, causing just about everyone in their lives a whole lot of trouble and, in the end, she loses the guy who truly loves her. At least till the next book.

Now, don't take me the wrong way - I'm not saying you are doomed to that fate. I'm just saying that you may want to focus less on your perfect guy and focus more on finding a guy who makes you laugh, who you have fun with. Who puts his arm around your waist instinctively to lead you up the stairs. Whatever it is that makes your knees melt.

Wanting a kinky guy who is always religious isn't impossible. But it is a little harder. Speaking as someone who has been around for a few years, there seem to be fewer of us. However, we do exist. I would suggest you start googling "Your religion" + BDSM and see what you get. I'd also make profiles on the dating sites specifically aimed at religious folks. Then just bite the bullet and put on your profile "I want a guy who is willing to explore this with me!".

From my point of view, you are so focused on what you think you want that you could very well miss the perfect guy for you. Remember that old saying?

Want to hear G-d laugh? Tell him your plans.


Ohhhh man...... I'm so let down. I was expecting to Read it and get pissed off... or get into some heated debate. Why Why Why, I'm just so damn disappointed. Actually, I agree with you 100%.

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RE: too specific and unrealistic? - 2/12/2010 1:28:53 PM   
sweetobedience1


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AquaticSub,

I like this...

"I'd also make profiles on the dating sites specifically aimed at religious folks. Then just bite the bullet and put on your profile "I want a guy who is willing to explore this with me!"."

Thanks!

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 60
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