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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 6:21:39 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Find out what is legal to do and buy a tape recorder or a video camera...

Will fix everything when people here you begging him to stop, saying that he needs to stop this and that you want to leave him and then him hitting you.


(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 6:38:42 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		Remember this, that BD/SM is an activity that should be based on mutual consent.  If one partner doesn't consent to it, then it is no longer BD/SM and it is ABUSE. 
 
i didn't see if you mentioned which branch of the military your husband is in and, since i am an Army veteran, familiar with their installation support services, i have only that perspective to offer.  There is domestic abuse within military families, just as there is in nonmilitary families.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 
 
But, NO ONE CAN HELP YOU UNLESS YOU ASK FOR HELP.  You need to make the call to get the help you need.
 
If you don't want to use the installation resources available to family members, then here is another source you can use.

American Domestic Violence Crisis Line (Americans living overseas)
3300 NW 185th #133
Portland, OR 97229
Phone 1-866-879-6636 (866-USWOMEN)
Website www.866uswomen.org

It is the mission of The American Domestic Violence Crisis Line to serve Americans being abused in foreign countries.

Our crisis line number is toll free internationally by calling the local AT&T operator from the country you are living in and
asking to be connected to 866-USWOMEN.

The crisis line is toll free nationally to serve families who have loved ones being abused overseas by dialing 1-866-USWOMEN.

Support Services
     
Extensive support services are available through American Domestic Violence Crisis Line to women returning to the United States who are escaping domestic
violence in foreign countries including safe housing, emergency financial support, legal assistance and programs to help you attain a financially feasible
and violent-free future for you and your children.

Calling from Korea (Korea Telecom US MILITARY) to United States  AT&T Direct® Access Number
Korea (Korea Telecom US MILITARY) Number  550-4663

Calling from Korea (DACOM US MILITARY) to United States  AT&T Direct® Access Number
Korea (DACOM US MILITARY) Number  550-2872 

Important reminder
When you have finished speaking to an American Domestic Violence Crisis Line Domestic Violence Advocate, hang up and then lift the receiver, dial any number
and hang up again. This way, if someone presses the "redial" button on the phone, they will not be able to find out you contacted American Domestic Violence
Crisis Line.

If you would like to use the Army's program for assisting family members, here is contact information to reach them.


Family Advocacy Program
Family Advocacy (FAP) is program within the Army Community Service organization that provides information, referral, and counseling services to Army family
members who have experienced abuse.

Family Advocacy Program (FAP) Directory - Korea

Area II Support Activity
ATTN: FAP, Unit 15333
APO AP 96205-5333
Phone: 011-822-7918-8861
DSN: 011-822-7918-4490

or

Area IV Support Activity
ATTN: FAP, Unit 15746
APO AP 96218-5746
Phone: 011-82-53-470-8129
DSN: 011-822-53-7374
 
Emergency Placement Care Families

Camp Casey: Support Services - Family Centers

Army Community Service 
Bldg #2306, Camp Casey 
APO 96224
Phone: 730-3107/3436 
Fax: 730-3121 

The Area I ACS offers the following services to U.S. Military, Civilian and Family Members:
    - Relocation Assistance Program
    - Welcome Packet
    - Standard Installation Topic Exchange Service (SITES)
    - Trip-Maker
    - Information and Referral
    - Lending Closet
    - Financial and Budget Management
    - Consumer Education
    - Army Family Action Plan (AFAP)
    - Army Family Team Building (AFTB)
    - Family Advocacy Program
    - Volunteer Program
    - Army Emergency Relief (AER)
 
 
i hope this information is of some help to you.  Best wishes for your safe return to where you need to be.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

(in reply to MissOchistic)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 7:22:53 AM   
drawntothedark


Posts: 572
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Arkansas
Status: offline 		The first thing I would do in your case is get back home. I would call everyone I could think of to round up the funds. Your Master may help along with friend and family you have in the states (Especially if you tell then what you just told us). Once in the states, I would find a job and start the filing process for divorce. Your biggest problem will be getting back to California. After your stateside again, it will be much easier on you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I work in travel. I'll send an email to your collar me account if you like wih some tips on how to sometimes get cheaper airfare.

(in reply to slavegirljoy)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 7:43:12 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		i have dealt with much worse...and it's not everydays, it's just...random...he'll just grab me or my hair and last night he slammed my head into the counter a few times.

MissO,

Others have been giving you many ways to confront the problem; you have options. But they aren't going to do you much good until you get your head around a painful truth. You exhibit the classic signs of an enabler and battered woman syndrome.

As others have made suggestions, here are some of the responses you have come back with:

They wouldn't believe me anyway, I have no proof.
Not telling the doctor what is really happening; essentially covering for your abuser.
Your concern about not ruining his career.
The situation really isn't so bad.
You have been through worse.

Do you see the pattern here? Before you can get help, you have to get that you need help, ideally professional counseling. Battered women often have a very hard time leaving their abusers.

Here are some reality checks to counter the statements above:

Even if the physical evidence doesn't last long, it lasts long enough if you see a doctor right away. So you can show proof.
Tell the doctor what is happening, stop covering for him.
If his career is ruined, he has no-one to blame but himself. He is abusive and should have to be held responsible for his actions.
The situation really is bad! And if you continue to excuse his actions, it is only going to get worse.
If you have been through worse, then this is an ongoing problem, not one just with your husband. Again you need counseling.

You are so young, completely out of your environment. It is understandable you are afraid. Do not let fear rule you. You have to come to believe that you honestly do NOT deserve this kind of treatment. That you deserve better. Believe it enough to want to take the actions that will make it so.

Be well, and start taking your life back into your own hands.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to MissOchistic)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 7:46:12 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		You should consider relocating to Nigeria...Where all of your financial dreams could come true.

_____________________________



(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 7:47:38 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Staind Lyrics

Falling Lyrics


You in your shell are you waiting for someone to rescue you from yourself.
Don't be disappointed when no one comes.

Don't blame me you didn't get it [3x]

I already told you, that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem
If you don't believe you can find a way out you become the problem, become the problem.

You, all alone, are you waiting for someone to make you whole?
Can't you see aren't you tired of this dysfunctional routine.

Don't blame me you didn't get it [3x]

I already told you, that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem
If you don't believe can find a way out, you become the problem, become the problem.

I already told you, that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem
If you don't believe can find a way out, you become the problem, become the problem.

Falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem
And if you believe can find a way out
Then you've solved the problem, you've solved your problem.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 7:53:57 AM   
astarri


Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

but i guess somewhere in me i have some reservations about totally ruining his military career, i don't want that, and that's what happens with FA. i know this is at least partly my fault and i don't want him to get too hurt,


This guilt is misplaced and is essentially your mountain to climb. "he is not beating me senseless or anything.....i have dealt with much worse...and it's not everydays, it's just...random" is you saying its okay that he treats me like this.You are worth more.

I also agree with the video camera or tape recorder and you should document EVERYTHING!!

Finacial concerns are real also and often the little guy in the back of our heads say "how can i do this alone with nothing". You will surprise yourself with what you can do.

Good Luck to you ...it will not be easy but i think that once you have done it you will see it is a big weight that has been lifted.

(in reply to MissOchistic)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:02:39 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i hope you take the advice that has already been given here - Sir Dominic pointed out a pattern you have that's classic of battered women's syndrom - you really need to get to a good counselor or women's group so you can break this pattern because if you don't it won't matter that you got away this time, you will eventually find someone else to perpetuate the same pattern. Break the pattern by getting help. 

Just a side note here, you say you have a Master, but you cannot count on him to help you........ what can you count on?   If he won't take any responsibility for you, in any capacity, how is that being a Master?  You need to incorporate good men into your life, those who will be there for you when you need them. What you have to give is valuable, but you have to value it yourself. If you let them, others will take advantage of you and use and abuse you - be in control of how others are allowed to treat you.

my own sister was a battered woman for many years and the further you travel down this road the darker it will get.  You don't want to get to the extremes this can go to because then it is soooooooo much harder to climb back from. You are young and able bodied, you don't have any UM's, nothing to hold you back....... leave, no i take that back.... RUN

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:08:02 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissOchistic

on the slightly humourous side...what the hell do i tell the doctor? "I ran my hair into a doorknob"? ....comign to terms with this is......just...

thanks, everyone, for the advice and the help...



Tell them the truth! Lying will only help your husband and hurt you.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to MissOchistic)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:18:48 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		If you're not going to actually get off your ass and do something, you deserve what you get. Yes, it is harsh but I'm tired of the whining and excuses. You got your ass in this, you need to get your ass out of it.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:36:25 AM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Actually, no one deserves to be abused, whether they are able to get out of the situation or not.

MissO, like many other women in similar situations need to figure out the safest way get out of her situation in as short a time as possible, for her own health and safety. And what she needs is support. Not coddling, but certainly not verbal abuse.

slave joy has offered some of the best advice I have seen here so far and others have offered helpful suggestions as well. In my opinion, first things first...get back to the states. That's the priority. And The American Domestic Violence Crisis Line is gonna be your best bet, since they are set up to deal with your situation. I hope you will make the call.

And for those who have never been on the receiving end of abuse, I ask that you try to understand the very real struggle with fear, confusion, hurt, anger and yes, misplaced guilt and shame among other emotions, that goes along with being abused. It is NEVER as easy as just, getting one's "ass" out of a situation.

But back to MissO, though I know it's not easy, by any means, try to stick to the main priority, and again, I believe that must be to get back to the states. And let dealing with the emotions be perhaps your second or third priority.

Best to you,

MNN

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:38:28 AM   
BitchGoddessD


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

If you're not going to actually get off your ass and do something, you deserve what you get. Yes, it is harsh but I'm tired of the whining and excuses. You got your ass in this, you need to get your ass out of it.


I don't like to get personal but this is the most offensive post I have seen since joining.  Obviously you know nothing of the dynamics of an abusive relationship.  Yes it is her choice to stay or leave.  But she came here for advice and support.  Please leave this topic if it offends you so much.

_____________________________

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
Jackie Robinson

Just call me D

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:40:19 AM   
GoddessGreed


Posts: 93
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		It is often easier in alot of circumstances, to stay and take the shit, and I cant help but think maybe the finances are a bit of an excuse, Im sure if you try hard enough, the money for flight can be arranged, that is the first step. Get it into you head that this is what you need to do and this is what you're gonna do, and do it!

_____________________________

you have only ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and i cant!!

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:49:08 AM   
astarri


Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I ask that you try to understand the very real struggle with fear, confusion, hurt, anger and yes, misplaced guilt and shame among other emotions, that goes along with being abused.

I am sorry if i sounded cold in my statement that her guilt was misplaced. I do think that she needs to hear that she has no reason to feel guilty. Guilt can be a consumming emotion and one that must be dealt with immediately otherwise it will "guilt" her into staying in this relationship.
As i said, this will not be easy MissO, however you are worth it.

(in reply to MistressNoName)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 8:59:04 AM   
Copulo


Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Any man/woman that hits a partner is the scum of the earth
Any man/woman who mentally abuses a partner is the scum of the earth.
Physical abuse creates fear and mental abuse chips away every bit of your self confidence till there is nothing left but the empty shell you stand up in.
Its control of the worst kind, its control of fear, dread, loneliness and above all helplessness.

I made no joke when I suggested you went to the doctors and when you replied I kind of shrugged my shoulders but then I went away and thought about your answer.

I can relate to this, believe me I can relate. Your in a similar place that I was once in and getting out is one of the hardest steps you will ever take but for your own sanity and your own self respect you have to be a big girl now. Only you can do this and you will get support. This whole move forward is going to be life changing for you, its going to be a new start to your life, a new beginning. Look ahead, walk towards it and embrace it with open arms.

(in reply to astarri)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 9:05:33 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

Actually, no one deserves to be abused, whether they are able to get out of the situation or not.

MissO, like many other women in similar situations need to figure out the safest way get out of her situation in as short a time as possible, for her own health and safety. And what she needs is support. Not coddling, but certainly not verbal abuse.

slave joy has offered some of the best advice I have seen here so far and others have offered helpful suggestions as well. In my opinion, first things first...get back to the states. That's the priority. And The American Domestic Violence Crisis Line is gonna be your best bet, since they are set up to deal with your situation. I hope you will make the call.

And for those who have never been on the receiving end of abuse, I ask that you try to understand the very real struggle with fear, confusion, hurt, anger and yes, misplaced guilt and shame among other emotions, that goes along with being abused. It is NEVER as easy as just, getting one's "ass" out of a situation.

But back to MissO, though I know it's not easy, by any means, try to stick to the main priority, and again, I believe that must be to get back to the states. And let dealing with the emotions be perhaps your second or third priority.

Best to you,

MNN


Thank You, MNN.  You clearly have a very good understanding of what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship.  Some just don't understand all the emotions involved and it's very easy for others to place the blame/shame back on the one being abused, simply because they don't understand just how difficult it is to deal with this kind of personal crisis.  It's so easy for others to say, "Why haven't you left? What's stopping you?"  They don't understand how complicated & frightening it can be, especially when you feel so alone and you are in a foreign country.  It can really feel & look as though there is no where for you to go.
 
Hopefully, MissO will ignore the negative remarks and, instead hear the positive & encouraging responses that have been shared with her here & she can use that to help her to do what she already knows she needs to do.  Now that she has been given some tools to help her on her way & some places to seek the help she needs, maybe she can take that critical step to get herself out of the painful situation she's in.  i hope so, any way.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

(in reply to MistressNoName)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 9:17:25 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		California is a "no fault" divorce state. So, if you file here in San Diego, you don't have to list anything other than "irreconcilable differences". You don't even have to get into the abuse part unless you plan on pressing charges.

If you do manage to get here, drop me a PM. We have an extra bedroom, no strings other than your share maintaining the house.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 5/9/2007 9:18:52 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 9:33:41 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Sorry to say this but it seems you married this guy not knowing him at all as a meal ticket.
All the advice on how to get away from him you dismiss.
If you don't want to involve the Military, your Family, your supposed new Master (which if you're a slave you're the property of and if he's a Master it's HIS OBLIGATION to help you since you belong to him).
You're compounding impulsive poor choices on top of more impulsive bad choices over money and your greed of having your New husband and almost Ex's money.
Get over it, get YOUR OWN financial freedom by working instead of leaching, get your supposed Master, the military and your family involved if indeed you are worried about your physical wellbeing and not just in finding a way to get his money, and once state side look for people you love and connect to instead of him with the loosest pockets.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you're creating your own problems, and the only resolution you have in your mind is taking him for his money and leaving him high and dry.
Get your life toogether and then date.
suzanne

(in reply to MissOchistic)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 9:42:23 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitchGoddessD

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

If you're not going to actually get off your ass and do something, you deserve what you get. Yes, it is harsh but I'm tired of the whining and excuses. You got your ass in this, you need to get your ass out of it.


I don't like to get personal but this is the most offensive post I have seen since joining.  Obviously you know nothing of the dynamics of an abusive relationship.  Yes it is her choice to stay or leave.  But she came here for advice and support.  Please leave this topic if it offends you so much.

He gave her sound advice in my mind.
Sometimes people sit back and complain waiting for someone to save them.
His kick in the pants was to motivate her into seeing she needs to act on this or there's nothing left to do but accept it.
ALl of us saying oh poor poor dear I feel bad for you or offering sound advice that she's not choosing to opt into doing to help herself leaves me to think Mr Dicipline's right on the mark and ENTITLED as much as you to give advice here he sees fit to give.
Who made you forum Goddess or Moderator??

(in reply to BitchGoddessD)
Profile   Post #: 39
Abuse =/= BDSM - 5/9/2007 9:44:21 AM   
t3nth0usandv0lts


Posts: 70
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		He made the choice to ruin his career the second he made the choice let go of his self-control and raise his hand in anger. He deserves no pity and no consideration.

Personally I'm tempted to SWIM over and choke the stuffing out of this bastard. And though, on a rational level, part of me agrees with you about not wanting to ruin his career, and even believes that remaining in the military could be good for his terrible anger management habits, the rest of me wants to see him in the stocks in the public square, with a sign that says "I BEAT INNOCENT WOMEN" hung from his neck and half the crowd armed with shillelaghs. I've been in a similar situation, and have friends who currently are. My friend Kyle's sig O beats the crap out of him, and blames it on Kyle's kung fu sparring matches. Shit like that ought to fly like a lead balloon.

Please, please, make that call and do everything you can... Domin8tingUrDrmz has a good idea. Talk to a doctor, your Embassy, call whatever attention to yourself you need to get back home and away from that bastard. It breaks my heart to see someone in your situation... but with persistence and faith in yourself, that situation can end. You've got a support network here, and there are people near you who can help you. Between your family and your Master, and maybe even a few friends, you can get a cheap ticket... take what things you can, and GET OUT. Otherwise this will never stop.

May you find peace.

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 40
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