|
stella40 -> RE: Naive Submissives ... the pit falls of Rose Colored Glasses (5/20/2007 1:28:38 PM)
|
That was a great posting, Quivver and highlights a lot of what submissives feel and experience, and not just women, but anyone. I can add my own experiences, but this is from the transgendered perspective.
I came into BDSM many years ago as a lonely, confused, mixed up 18 year old (I'm now 40), my first Mistress was 65 and a former Pro-Domme who gave it up through ill health. I wanted to explore my 'feminine side' and also my submissive side, she wanted a sub domestic cleaner she could beat the crap out of. This relationship gave me not much more than a sore bottom and the chance to dress up as a woman. I looked like a freak. But I didn't know. These were my 'trannie' days.
I've known what I exactly wanted from life more or less since I was 17 years old. I've tried vanilla relationships, with both men and women, and I've tried BDSM relationships with men, women and couples. For many years I didn't know who I was, or what I was about, but I put my needs on the back burner, I felt uncomfortable about my body, about who I was, people were telling me different things - you're a transvestite, you're a crossdresser, you're a male and female in one body, you're a two spirit. I came into BDSM because I wanted to serve, I wanted to submit and I wanted to please. This explains why many of my former relationships and much of my experience was service based. I was the maid, the domestic slave, the subbie who came round and did the chores, maybe gave a massage, massaged feet, and I was happy with this.The focus wasn't on me, but on my Mistress, and she was happy too.
Sure, I knew what I wanted from life, I felt I knew what I wanted from life, but then there was no way I could put it into words, I couldn't explain it, I couldn't communicate what I wanted, or felt, or thought, and it didn't matter whether I was in a vanilla relationship or a BDSM relationship. And yes there were Mistresses who took advantage, because I let them, because I gave them no other option. I went through a phase of being into feminization heavily, but this wasn't me wanting to be forced to be a woman, or to be dressed up like a sissy, but it was a need I had, and all I felt I needed was a Mistress to sit down and make me talk about what was going on inside my head and to help me find myself.
Few have it harder when trying to find a relationship than the transgendered. It's not impossible of course, but many women find what they perceive to be a man in women's clothing to be unattractive, there are quite a few men interested but often they are men who either can't find women or just see you as some sort of sexual object - nothing more. I gave up, went back to trying to be a man, emigrated to Poland in 1993, became successful in my career in theatre in 1995, and I got married in 1996. My wife knew of my feminine side, she tried her best to accept it. It was when I got married that things changed, I realised that this isn't how it was meant to be, it's meant to be different. My wife suggested that I find a Domme who would enjoy my feminine side, and my wife would have my male side.
It got to 1998, the Internet became popular and it was here I discovered the truth, helped by my Domme, I am female, I am a transgendered female. I go to see doctors to make sure, and they confirm what I found out. This ends my marriage, my wife married a man, not a woman and I could no longer fulfil her needs. Under the tutelage of my Domme I am made to discover myself. No feminization required, just be yourself and who you really are. I spent five years with this Domme, she took the time and effort to retrain me, to teach me about myself, about BDSM, about Dominant Women and what they want, expect and need.
Through necessity I became part of the BDSM community and together with my Domme I have watched the BDSM community appear out of nothing in Poland and witnessed it coming out of hiding and from behind closed doors. My gender issues have always been parallel to my BDSM interests, and I found acceptance in the community which I couldn't find in mainstream society. And when I came out publicly in 2005 as a result of media pressure and lost everything, it was the BDSM community who stood by me and helped me return to the UK.
Yes, I have a lot of experience, I am aware, but I am also naive, I still make mistakes, errors of judgement, and I can still be fooled. I am living in my true gender and have been for years, and am working to rebuild my life and complete my transition. I call myself submissive, because this is the role I prefer in my close personal relationships and although I see 'submission as a gift' I know I am not a charity, my submission is important, but it has no value to the wider BDSM community, but only to the Dominant with whom I am forming a relationship.
It is only very recently that I have learned that my submission has no value unless I'm truly prepared to be completely open and honest with my Dominant, to make her aware of my needs and wants and dreams and expectations, to lay myself completely bare and transparent and to offer her that most vulnerable part of me.
But I have held back. Though I only had a service relationship with my Domme in Poland with whom I spent 5 years I loved her. She found me at the end of my time in Poland sleeping on the streets in the snow and the cold and she took me into her tiny one-roomed apartment. I wanted to stay, she wanted this too, but she knew as I did I had to go back. Leaving her broke my heart. 'Accept no less than you deserve,' she said, 'and remember that you deserved me.' She became the standard against which other Dommes were measured.
I sometimes feel as if I have gone full circle.. I've done the whole BDSM thing, the service, the play, the submission, the ropes, the whips, the floggers, the 24/7, the casual play, long term relationships, international relationships, one off meetings, the munches, the parties and so on. Sometimes I see the community, the illusions, the fakes, the liars, the constant labelling, the theorists, and I think I've had enough of all this. But then I stop, and I remember, and then the nostalgia comes, and I stay.
Yes I have been taken in, I've been misjudged, abused, dismissed and written off. But then again not always have I been completely honest with myself, and through this, with other people. I've spent a long time in my life concealing part of myself from other people, I've misled a few people, I've labelled others, pointed fingers and have spent a few times playing the victim. I'm not without fault. I've also spent a long time learning to mistrust people, being suspicious of other people's motives.
I've been taken in a few times, sometimes because I let myself be taken in and other times because I wasn't really being honest with myself to begin with. But I've also given people chances and have been given chances myself, and there are the times when someone has responded in a way I quite didn't expect and I have been forced to change my opinion of them. I have had people being open and friendly, and there have been many times when people have expressed kindness, sympathy, and support even though for them I'm no more than a nick, a profile and a collection of postings. And it's been on a few occasions when I've been so moved or touched that I've sat before this computer screen with tears rolling down my cheeks.
And I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a Domme. A Domme who's taken the time to look at me and see me for who I really am, who when I struggled to explain what it was I really wanted came back to me and told me what I really need and want in far better words. It's long distance, it's going to take time, effort and both commitment and sacrifice, but she has my mind and everything else and nobody can read me better than she can. But I know not to take anything for granted, but if I take it one day at a time, keep an open mind and listen to what she tells me it should work out fine.
Accepting yourself for who you really are, knowing yourself and being honest with yourself is the basis, along with being able to communicate this to someone else. Without this you can only be submissive on a very superficial level which is only going to frustrate your Dominant and leave you feeling unfulfilled. Most Dominants don't want superficial submission, they want the real thing. And I find this works the other way too.
|
|
|
|
