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BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 6:49:27 PM

Masterspetbri

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline

I am sure this has been posted and discussed many times, but would like other thoughts ideas from others on this topic.
How do you deal with a BDSM-24/7 relationship with the vanilla world pressures? (from children, work to the actual relationship and being able to follow protocol)
I would be interested in hearing all aspects of this......
Thank you,
Thank you,
Master’s pet
bri

Post #: 1

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 7:01:14 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

That's a false dichotomy. BDSM vs the Real World implies that BDSM isn't real. That there is this real, but quotidian world, and we retreat from it to a BDSM fantasy world. I don't buy that for a fucking second. If my little girl likes to bake for me as an act of service, and wears the clothes she knows I like as an act of service, and goes to the gym with me and follows the protocol I laid and, and massages me that night to ameliorate my pain and prepare me for the next day, and is grateful when I use her ass or fuck her throat, grateful to serve as a sexobject for me...where is he fantasy? How is that not real?

Now certainly intimate relationships face demands from vagaries of public life, but that is true of all relationships. Masters and slave, and friggin' Tony and Toni Yuppie vanilla couple both have to work to feed their erotic, intimate relationship when jobs and kids and shopping and lawncare and family and life demand. It isn't a BDSM vs Real World struggle though, but an intimate balanced with public life issue.

BDSM is real, and isn't a seperate fantasy space from reality.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to Masterspetbri)

Post #: 2

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 7:41:50 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I am always his slave no matter where we are. I work, he does. I act appropriate for whatever situation we might be in. They are all the same to us. Everything is combined and not really this is vanilla this is not thing.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Masterspetbri)

Post #: 3

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 7:56:29 PM

Teachme59

Posts: 47
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline

Faramir that all sounds good and reasonable but of course it’s also bull…. your fantasy world .....and you did not address her question.
The vast majority of the world looks down on people of our bent as flawed and perverted. Also the vast majority of the people we love also feel the same. They would be hurt and embarrassed if they knew we participated in the life style. To ignore this fact would be arrogant and insensitive on our part.
It makes no difference if we believe it is flawed and perverted or not. I would not open my children to ridicule because of my lifestyle if I could help it. I’m sure my Mother would never understand…why would I hurt her.
So I do have the everyday real world… the world I present a face of normality for the sake of those I love and want to protect. My other life would not be real to them …hell its not real to me sometimes.
Bri I wish I had answers… I don’t. I hope others have useful suggestions. I’m afraid the bottom line is you only have two choices…Hide your lifestyle from friends and family and be less then happy in either or…… Come out just as a homosexual does and take the chance of alienating and hurting those you love. Sure… some will say they love you whatever your lifestyle. Don’t let that fool you…it will hurt them deeply.
Myself… I will not put my wants and needs over those I love.Butch

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 4

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:08:21 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
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Don't assume that most everyone has to hide everything. Um's are different. Um's should be raised how both see fit. Not all of us have to hide our lifestyle to friends and family members. All my friends know of my involvement and some family members. Some do want friends and family to be involved and some don't. Don't assume because what goes on in your life is the same for all of us. Everyone does it differently and makes it work.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Teachme59)

Post #: 5

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:09:16 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I've been fortunate over the years to be able to divest myself from the so-called 'real' (vanilla) world as best as I can. Sure, I go to work during the day, and although co-workers know that somehow I must be different, they are basically none the wiser. Once I come home, whether with a partner or not, it is apparent that I have left one world entirely and entered the one that I prefer to live in. The only other interactions out 'there' would be shopping. No, I don't trot partners around on a collar and leash, but there is usually some sort of dynamic evident between us.

Although I have never had wee ones (living in the rather adult world of my sanctuary), my partner and I have discussed at length changing that situation. The good part is that neither one of us have any interest in altering our dynamic once that happens. To what extent that means raising 'within the Lifestyle' is to be seen, but that is the course we are charting for our relationship in the near and not-so-near term. Our plans are to live in such a fashion that the things that I have 'out' will have a place that will be segregated from where smaller humans and timid vanillas are not apt to visit (although I REALLY like messing with timid vanillas).

I feel fortunate to have a partner who feels as I do that we won't put our lives on hold for anyone. To me, visiting the vanilla world, albeit most days of the week, is like taking the occasional jaunt to the zoo to see what those crazy animals are doing this time.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Masterspetbri)

Post #: 6

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:09:41 PM

cinn

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline

I don't think it's worth splitting hairs over the 'real world' in the title (not the post itself)'s implication that anything else isn't real. I think she just wanted to know how people cope with, e.g., "You will address me as X at all times" at such times as you're introducing yourselves to someone. ;)

(in reply to Teachme59)

Post #: 7

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:09:59 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Well it depends on how important to you creating weird/intricate protocols are? If you REALLY feel the need to express your bdsm by always being naked except for a silver collar...you're going to have problems integrating in non-nudist society.

If you could care less what you wear, then it doesn't matter where you go, you'll fit in just fine.

It depends on how much you need to make your relationship different from vanilla ones in what you DO. Most Ms relationships LOOK like any other relationship about 90% of the time. That doesn't mean they aren't M/s, it just means they don't care or want to do things which are different from what any other relationship does and don't think it has anything to do with who they ARE together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Teachme59)

Post #: 8

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:14:39 PM

SirDominic

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Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Considering that many who condemn our lifestyle are more flawed and perverted than we are, I don't see your point. On top of that they are also hypocrites, playing at the very perversions they ponfiticate so strenuously against. I agree with Faramir, BDSM is as much the "real" world as any other style of living.

To answer the OP, it is practically impossible to be in a BDSM relationship 24/7; especially if kids are in the mix. Again, as Faramir said, these same day to day pressures strain the intimacy amongst those in vanilla relationships just as much. The only real answer is to communicate with your partner, and find a middle ground that you can both realistically live with. A big part of that answer is to make sure you make time for the two of you to play and have fun. If it is left for last, it will never happen.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to Teachme59)

Post #: 9

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:18:44 PM

RelxdBound

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/27/2004
Status: offline

An absolute an intelligent view!!

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 10

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:37:26 PM

NControlofU

Posts: 204
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

Excuse me, but who are you to say that the way another lives their life is bull? Maybe it sounds like fantasy to you. That doesn't mean it is. I, for one, am living my fantasy and it is very real. I have everything I have worked hard to get, including my very own 24/7 masochist slut sleeping on the floor, at the foot of my bed, and doing everything I tell her to do, without question. It might sound like a fantasy to some. It might even sound like a fucking nightmare to some, but it's my life and it's very real. It's my fantasy, come true.

How we deal with everyday life and still live the way we choose is not always easy. There are other people, other issues, other requirements & demands on our time/energy, etc., but you deal with it and make the moments that are for personal pleasure count. Sometimes that means being flexible in our plans and being spontaneous and creative. That's part of the fun and part of the challenge of living a kinky lifestyle. Even a ride down the highway or a trip to the store can turn into something special, especially with a vibrating egg & dildo inserted beforehand and the remote control in my pocket. Use your imagination. Whatever you can imagine, you can do, but, of course, not in front of the kids or grandma.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59

Faramir that all sounds good and reasonable but of course it’s also bull…. your fantasy world .....and you did not address her question.
The vast majority of the world looks down on people of our bent as flawed and perverted. Also the vast majority of the people we love also feel the same. They would be hurt and embarrassed if they knew we participated in the life style. To ignore this fact would be arrogant and insensitive on our part.
It makes no difference if we believe it is flawed and perverted or not. I would not open my children to ridicule because of my lifestyle if I could help it. I’m sure my Mother would never understand…why would I hurt her.
So I do have the everyday real world… the world I present a face of normality for the sake of those I love and want to protect. My other life would not be real to them …hell its not real to me sometimes.
Bri I wish I had answers… I don’t. I hope others have useful suggestions. I’m afraid the bottom line is you only have two choices…Hide your lifestyle from friends and family and be less then happy in either or…… Come out just as a homosexual does and take the chance of alienating and hurting those you love. Sure… some will say they love you whatever your lifestyle. Don’t let that fool you…it will hurt them deeply.
Myself… I will not put my wants and needs over those I love.Butch

(in reply to Teachme59)

Post #: 11

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 8:59:36 PM

ennaozzie

Posts: 201
Joined: 5/9/2007
Status: offline

Vanilla world pressures = life, you say that like life in general is a alien life, general life as most know it raising children, working, communicating with people in general, like its something you don’t want to do and like its separate from your own little bubble life which you call the lifestyle = D/s or BDSM or both.

Personally I don’t see how you can combine a home life with your work life or what your sexual preferences has to do with work life, or what your sexual preferences have to do with your children’s school or child care centre, it’s impossible to keep it all as one thing.

We all have separate lives within our life, a home life, our personal life, our work life, our family life, and maybe other parts again, sure those in the lifestyle would like to combine as much as possible, but to be 24/7 in all areas of your life I don’t believe is possible.

Even down to when you go shopping, for someone that does not work they might be a stay at home mum or dad, what has their relationship to do with the store workers etc, it can not be brought into every aspect of their life.

If they did try, I would be wondering if they are a fanatic like some religious nut, after all there are those that take things to the extreme and impose there ideas on others, which I think is down right rude and inconsiderate of people in general.

Just my thoughts, and every part of everyone’s life is real to that person.

beanie

_____________________________

Never make someone your priority when you are only their option

If coffee hurts your eye's take the spoon out of the mug

(in reply to Masterspetbri)

Post #: 12

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:12:42 PM

EvilGeoff

Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well it depends on how important to you creating weird/intricate protocols are? ....

If you could care less what you wear, then it doesn't matter where you go, you'll fit in just fine.

I swear, if I'm ever single and looking again, LA you are at the absolute top of a very short list!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:14:26 PM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello Masterpetbri. Vanillas have private lives, we have private lives. I guess that part should not be much of a problem if you keep your private life private!

As for day to day "interfacing" with the "vanilla world" (it's the same world?) there is such a thing as discretion, subtlety and adaptation (do as the roman do "in public"). As for children in the house, I think it is no different than traditionnal marriage where the father has the final say on things.

Now, if you run around the house naked with your chains on and go "yes master, please master, thank you master", there may be a problem? But I don't think the problem would be with the lifestyle in this case.

You just use common sense. Vanillas don't do and say "everything" in front of children, friends and family, and we don't either. RL.

(in reply to Masterspetbri)

Post #: 14

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:22:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EvilGeoff
I swear, if I'm ever single and looking again, LA you are at the absolute top of a very short list!

And you never cease to tease me on how unavailable you are! :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to EvilGeoff)

Post #: 15

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:25:27 PM

Teachme59

Posts: 47
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline

Hello Ncontrolofu

It is only bull as a generality….in your particular case it may be the truth. BUT…. It would be hard for me to believe that you, or anyone else reading this, does not hide parts of their life from people around them. If you are so adamant and secure in your “REAL lifestyle…. then why hide anything. I think the OP would like advice on how to deal with the REALITY of HER situation. Not a diatribe on how she is all wrong in her perception of BDSM

And yes you are excused and I also ask you to excuse me. I don’t mean to be so confrontational … like you I am just trying to encourage comment and honesty

Butch

(in reply to NControlofU)

Post #: 16

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:31:59 PM

Elegant

Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

To answer the OP, it is practically impossible to be in a BDSM relationship 24/7; especially if kids are in the mix.

I disagree. I don't kneel at Master's Archer's feet every evening at 6:00 when the unmentionables are here but that does not mean we are not 24/7 Master/slave. Our relationship is not based on what we wear or how many time he whips me but, rather, on the power dynamic.

I am a mom I am a slave Those are the two most important aspects of my life and neither takes precedence over the other. Balance is the key and I have had to learn to maintain equilibrium in my life so that the two facets blend together but each remains distinct. Every once in a while I wobble but somehow manage to stay center in the balance.

_____________________________

Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 17

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:37:10 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

If you are so adamant and secure in your “REAL lifestyle…. then why hide anything. I think the OP would like advice on how to deal with the REALITY of HER situation. Not a diatribe on how she is all wrong in her perception of BDSM

Exactly how do you define the difference between "hiding" and "politely discreet/irrelevant to the relationship"?

When my mother came to visit, the kink and sex books were on the bookshelves, the porn videos were on the dvd shelves and the sex toys were in their boxes where they belong.

But I've never sat down with her and come out as a slave.

Am I hiding from her?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Teachme59)

Post #: 18

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:37:25 PM

Elegant

Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline

To really answer this the question needs clarification:

BDSM as in play?..Or a Dominant/submissive relationship (which could include play)

_____________________________

Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to Elegant)

Post #: 19

RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:50:16 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

I think the thing to remember is life is just that life, it is unpredictable and a roller coaster to say the least. There are times play/sessions are planned and things get in the way, for example kids get sick, work calls, something breaks that needs immediate attention, or one of the two of you is ill. However there is always the next day. You need to remember a M/s relationship is 24/7 and not simply about the play/session.

I am his always, He is my owner my controller, that does not mean I have no brain and cannot function without him directing my every movement. He is not interested in micromanaging me however I know his preferences, and I full fill them. There are simple things we do, I prepare his coffee or tea where ever we are, I ensure his drink is full, I do my best to anticipate his needs.

I keep the house as he wishes, I request permission at the end of the day to remove my makeup, my hair is kept in a style he desires and approves of.

These are just a few things I can think of off the top of my head. Of course there are many things in our sex life however I am sure everyone can think of those. I thought the answer would be best served in answering the everyday things I do.

Hope this answers your query.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to Masterspetbri)

Post #: 20

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