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RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:54:35 PM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59

It would be hard for me to believe that you, or anyone else reading this, does not hide parts of their life from people around them. If you are so adamant and secure in your “REAL lifestyle…. then why hide anything.


Hi Butch,

See that St. Andrews Cross in the background of my av?  That's in the corner of my living room.  All the time.  My adult children, my sister, my ex wife, my vanilla friends, my girl janey's family, any adult who comes into my house gets to see it.  It NEVER gets put away.  The only time it gets covered up is when janey and I know we have children coming to visit.  In that case it gets draped and a painting gets hung up on the front of it and it becomes "an easel".

That's done, not because janey and I are ashamed of our lifestyle together, but out of respect for the parents of the children to make the decision about when and how their children are exposed to and educated about sexuality. It's not MY place to expose their kids to this.

The tattoo on my arm is of a dragon, the dragon is holding a BDSM symbol.  I'm ALWAYS flagging that I'm a Dominant/Top if my arm is exposed.  janey ALWAYS wears her collar.  My mother knew of my lifestyle choice before she passed away, and if my father was still around when I got involved I would have been out him as well.  janey's family knows of our relationship style and even joke about my being the only man in the world janey listens to...

There is information that is appropriate to share, there is information that is intimate, and private and only shared with certain people at certain times.  We call it using good judgement or "appropriate" behavior.  You don't whip out your vibrating butt plug  in front of Mom and ask her to put it up your poop chute.  But there is nothing wrong with telling her you and your partner have clearly defined roles of authority within your relationship.

There's being "in your face" to others about our lifestyle, there's "out", there's "in the closet", and "in denial".  janey and I are out.  We're not "in your face" about it at work or shopping or elsewhere out and about in society, but we don't actively hide it except in front of minors.  And even then she still calls me "Sir"...  But come in OUR home, don't expect us to deny who and what we are just because someone might be uncomfortable with janey sitting on the floor at my feet.

We are who and what we are.  People are free to deal with that information however they choose.  Please do not presume that just because you feel a certain way that anyone else feels the same pressure to conform or has the same family dynamics to deal with that you have.  Certainly there will be those who share similar feelings and experiences, but don't delude yourself into thinking it's even a large percentage of the kinky population.  Lots of us are out, happy, and living in Suburbia...

YIK,
- Geoff

< Message edited by EvilGeoff -- 5/27/2007 10:01:28 PM >

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 9:57:40 PM   
NControlofU


Posts: 204
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I happen to believe that, as a generality, living a BDSM lifestyle is not bull, at least not from my experience. 

While I don't expose private aspects of my personal life to the general public, that doesn't mean I'm "hiding" it.  I am quite secure in my lifestyle, but I also respect the fact that there are many others who don't need or want to know anything about it.  I am also very secure in my daily bathroom habits, but I don't feel a need to piss in public, either.

Not sure what you mean by "Not a diatribe on how she is all wrong in her perception of BDSM", since I made no comments regarding her perception of BDSM, only about how I and my slave live our kink in our daily life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59

Hello Ncontrolofu

It is only bull as a generality….in your particular case it may be the truth. BUT…. It would be hard for me to believe that you, or anyone else reading this, does not hide parts of their life from people around them. If you are so adamant and secure in your “REAL lifestyle…. then why hide anything. I think the OP would like advice on how to deal with the REALITY of HER situation. Not a diatribe on how she is all wrong in her perception of BDSM

And yes you are excused and I also ask you to excuse me. I don’t mean to be so confrontational … like you I am just trying to encourage comment and honesty

Butch

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 10:06:18 PM   
Teachme59


Posts: 47
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

If you are so adamant and secure in your “REAL lifestyle…. then why hide anything. I think the OP would like advice on how to deal with the REALITY of HER situation. Not a diatribe on how she is all wrong in her perception of BDSM

Exactly how do you define the difference between "hiding" and "politely discreet/irrelevant to the relationship"? 

When my mother came to visit, the kink and sex books were on the bookshelves, the porn videos were on the dvd shelves and the sex toys were in their boxes where they belong.

But I've never sat down with her and come out as a slave.

Am I hiding from her? 


Hello LuckyAlbatross

I don’t see any difference in hiding and politely discreet/irrelevant to the relationship.

I read your profile this is just a part.

Kinks: mind fucks, mind control, hypnosis, wax, fear, knives, blood, breath, humiliation, objectification, age play, puppy play, bondage, rapes
 
I am not judging you in your likes… they match many of mine. I believe your mother…my mother…any mother finding out that their son or daughter is involved in the above would certainly, at the very least, be afraid for their safety. I believe you may feel the same way and will hide those words wants and actions from her.

It is the point I am trying to make… we are not normal… really… but neither are we bad or nasty. We just all need to hide parts of our lifestyles from those we love. If you have no one to love in this world then God bless you.

Butch

< Message edited by Teachme59 -- 5/27/2007 10:36:27 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 10:20:04 PM   
Teachme59


Posts: 47
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		Hi EvilGeoff

I thank you for the articulate response. Somehow I came off as critical of the lifestyle and this is not true. I am happy for you and your situation in life. I do not disagree with you in any way…except when you infer that I am judgmental or believe that you and or most people in the lifestyle are not happy.

All I am saying is that we all hide parts of our lifestyle.  You said in your post that you do for a select few. I believe the OP just wanted to know HOW you go about it.

Instead all she has gotten in the way of advice is” I’m happy as I am you should be to” when she and I would love to know how you got to that point.
Butch

< Message edited by Teachme59 -- 5/27/2007 10:33:44 PM >

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 10:24:15 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		The ease or difficulty of integrating all the various aspects of one's life D/s and Vanilla and Parenting and ... all depends on how odd ( different from societal norms) you make your protocols. If your protocol demands that the form of address for the D type is Great and powerfull Master of the four corners and all that he surveys" Then odds are you will have some difficulty operating in mixed company. On the other hand if you design your protocols to be discrete. "Sir" draws only a little attention from most people, then the ability to live in protocol all the time is going to be far easier.

You can design a protocol system that is simple and meaningfull and yet leaves most people none the wiser even if they are watching you. You can also design a protocol system that will draw everyone within 300 yrds attention to exactly what your dynamic is.

We live in protocol of some sort all the time. The most relaxed form of protocol anyone who didn't already know we were an M/s pair would only view as kinda odd but leave them not knowing why. Elegant walks to my left side and back half a step or so.Elegant addresses me as "Sir" at least once per conversational exchange. Elegant stands when I enter a room unless I tell her to carry on (or signal it). None of this draws more than a passing glance from 90% of the people we deal with every day.

Protocol increases from there depending on the environment.





(in reply to NControlofU)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 10:32:29 PM   
Teachme59


Posts: 47
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		NcontrolofU

I do not think BDSM is bull… but it is bull if you ignore or dismiss Masterspetbri’s very important and reasonable request as irrelevant because it does not match your view of life as another poster did. Remember You addressed my response to a totally different poster I never criticized you….in fact I thought you gave some good advice.
Butch

(in reply to Owned1)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 10:41:41 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I've never been in the closet but that doesn't mean that everyone that I come in contact with knows what goes on in my home or bedroom. I am open to discussions (when appropriate) if people ask...and some have. Basically, it comes down to who I would talk about my sex life with. Sure, D/s isn't all about sex, but the common denominator for any conversations regarding it outside of the lifestyle communtiy, generally, involve sex...yanno, girl talk.
 
We don't expose anyone who doesn't want to be exposed or who shouldn't be exposed, in the case of UM's. But, that doesn't mean that the dynamic doesn't exist because an UM is in the room or because people who aren't aware of our particular dynamic are present. We don't break out the floggers at a munch, either. It's all about being appropriate rather than it being a balancing act.
 
I don't find it to be a balancing act and I don't feel pressured to conform to a particular mold. We just live...and let live, of course.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Masterspetbri)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 10:56:56 PM   
BeautySleeping


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/25/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Masterspetbri...

I do understand your question, and I had that same discussion once with my Master.  He had told me in the beginning that I was to always address him as Master or Sir, but of course there are times of course when that wouldn't be appropriate either....at which times he told me to just address him by his first name as usual. I guess what I am trying to say is that even though certain protocals aren't always practical, the underlying aspect of our relationship is always present.  It doesn't matter what names we address each other as, or whether or not I wear a slave collar, we are still Master/slave and Husband/wife.  The only thing that is always there no matter what the situation, or who might be around, is the respect.  There are so many subtle ways to be controlled without anyone else having a clue what the hell you're up to, which actually makes more exciting to me... lol.  One of my favorites is when he reaches behind my neck, rubs it for it bit and then without anyone even noticing he wraps his fingers around my hair and tugs ...just enough to get my attention.....boring get togethers can be such fun sometimes.

(in reply to Owned1)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 11:17:13 PM   
MsParados


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59

I am not judging you in your likes… they match many of mine. I believe your mother…my mother…any mother finding out that their son or daughter is involved in the above would certainly, at the very least, be afraid for their safety. I believe you may feel the same way and will hide those words wants and actions from her.

It is the point I am trying to make… we are not normal… really… but neither are we bad or nasty. We just all need to hide parts of our lifestyles from those we love. If you have no one to love in this world then God bless you.

Butch



First off, all mothers are always concerned about their childrens safety all the time, but not all mothers fear, scorn, or object to this lifestyle choice, or maybe I am the only one whose parents were "abnormal" sexual devients too.
I am very thankful my world is not painted with your brush. 

As to the OP, the balance is hard, sometimes overwhelming, to reach and there are always sacrifices to be made, but it is just like everything else. Can I work about the house all day naked except a collar... I could but there is no way in hell I am scrubbing the floors on my knees w/o wearing a bra. I suppose to accurately answer this you would have to know what you want out of the "vanilla" world, and what you need from the alt one. I don't have to worry about what I call him cause it is always Daddy, I am not to use his first name, when I am making an introduction I start with the other parties name first, introduce him as my husband, he then shakes their hand and tells them his name. We don't do intense age play but there is no other name to call him, plus with the 2 UM under 7 few notice.  Unfortanately there isn't a manual for the right way, you can only create the right way for you.


< Message edited by MsParados -- 5/27/2007 11:30:00 PM >

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/27/2007 11:40:56 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		Ms Parados,  I would think you would want knee pads more for scrubbing the floor on your hands and knees instead of a bra.   But then again, to each his or her own.

(in reply to MsParados)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 12:01:30 AM   
Carrianna


Posts: 273
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterspetbri

I am sure this has been posted and discussed many times, but would like other thoughts ideas from others on this topic. 
How do you deal with a BDSM-24/7 relationship with the vanilla world pressures?  (from children, work to the actual relationship and being able to follow protocol)
I would be interested in hearing all aspects of this......
Thank you, 
Thank you,
Master’s pet
bri
[/quote]

My family know what I am into, I had a chat with my mother several + years ago, she laughed and said “You hear about things like that, but you don’t think it is in your own family”

After reading this thread I want all to know I define myself as “Normal” I don’t find anything in this life style not of the norm, there are things I don’t do or enjoy but with regards about me and my desires I honestly hand on heart do not see anything different from anyone else, even those I pass every day. 

Before chatting with my mother I assumed everyone tied their partner to the bed, I assumed that to be normal, I did not know I was being different in any way at all, then I went on a rampage for information regarding bondage!

I try to let everyone know what I enjoy without forcing it upon anyone, obviously I have nothing to hide that is why I have a picture up!!  Another reason I make sure my family know is simply because I don’t want any family member contacting me!

Brilliant thread, enjoyed reading all posts!!

(in reply to Masterspetbri)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 12:48:09 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		For Master and i, it's a matter of being appropriate in the different company W/we find ourselves in. With bdsmers W/we are completely comfortable with any level of protocol W/we desire. Out and about in the general public, i usually call Him Master, but discreetly. If i need to get His attention from the other end of the supermarket aisle ... i use my mobile LOL or shout His given name. About the only time W/we inadvertently came "out" was when the helpful young lass in the phone shop wanted to set up my mobile with His name as the free call. She was searching under A and i had to say, "umm, i call Him Master". She just giggled! Though He said i went a "luverly shade of pink". When His family are here, i refer to Him by His name or family nickname, but am more likely to address Him directly as Love, Darling etc which solves the problem. He happens to hate Sir but otherwise that would be an option which would tend not to draw a lot of attention. Similarly, My Domme side has had subs address Me as Ma'am in public and it never raises an eyebrow (although one old dear commented on what lovely manners My boy had *grin*!).

Our only micromanagement is that i have to ask to use the toilet ... in public He is happy if i mention that "i'm off to use the facilities" and He will give me a tacit nod. However as my bladder control isn't what it was, sometimes i have to whisper that i am in need of a specific order, whereupon He will whisper back "no peeing until you SIT down!" That does the trick, stops the silly walk anyway LOL!

I did like Ms Parados' method of introductions though, works a treat! Hope people will post some other helpful tips like that.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Carrianna)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 1:46:11 AM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59

Faramir that all sounds good and reasonable but of course it’s also bull…. your fantasy world .....and you did not address her question.
The vast majority of the world looks down on people of our bent as flawed and perverted. Also the vast majority of the people we love also feel the same. They would be hurt and embarrassed if they knew we participated in the life style. To ignore this fact would be arrogant and insensitive on our part.
It makes no difference if we believe it is flawed and perverted or not. I would not open my children to ridicule because of my lifestyle if I could help it. I’m sure my Mother would never understand…why would I hurt her.
So I do have the everyday real world… the world I present a face of normality for the sake of those I love and want to protect. My other life would not be real to them …hell its not real to me sometimes.
Bri I wish I had answers… I don’t. I hope others have useful suggestions. I’m afraid the bottom line is you only have two choices…Hide your lifestyle from friends and family and be less then happy in either or…… Come out just as a homosexual does and take the chance of alienating and hurting those you love. Sure… some will say they love you whatever your lifestyle. Don’t let that fool you…it will hurt them deeply.
Myself… I will not put my wants and needs over those I love.Butch


Butch

I think you are mixing up the dynamic and protocols of a 24/7 relationship and being open to everyone about lifestyle choices. I know that my Mother would not approve of the relationship I have with my Master as we live it. I have never spoken to her about it and never will. However, that does not mean that when Master and I visit her our dynamic changes in any way. There are very simple things that I still do no matter where we are, such as getting his drinks even if we are in their house. I still put the milk and sugar in his coffee and stir it ready for him whether we are with them, in a restaurant or with friends. It is one of his rules and one that nobody makes any mention of. It is something that reminds me of my place.

Of course I have a job and work away from the home but even that is controlled. I get a set train in the morning to work and I get a set train home. I need to ask permission before changing that procedure. I sit at my desk and eat my lunch. If I wish to alter that by going out for a meal with work mates I ask Masters permission first.

There are many other ways that always remind me of the dynamic but nothing that would be obvious to those outside of our relationship. If someone were to ask me about it I would be happy to tell them but it is not something I push in their faces. It is not bull that the dynamic is there 24/7. It certainly is in my case.

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 2:10:21 AM   
azzmaster


Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		bdsm is whats real... let the other wangsters in the vanilla world fit n2 us... tehy all wearin fetish gear these days anyway

(in reply to Owned1)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 2:32:00 AM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautySleeping

Hello Masterspetbri...

I do understand your question, and I had that same discussion once with my Master. He had told me in the beginning that I was to always address him as Master or Sir, but of course there are times of course when that wouldn't be appropriate either....at which times he told me to just address him by his first name as usual. I guess what I am trying to say is that even though certain protocals aren't always practical, the underlying aspect of our relationship is always present. It doesn't matter what names we address each other as, or whether or not I wear a slave collar, we are still Master/slave and Husband/wife. The only thing that is always there no matter what the situation, or who might be around, is the respect. There are so many subtle ways to be controlled without anyone else having a clue what the hell you're up to, which actually makes more exciting to me... lol. One of my favorites is when he reaches behind my neck, rubs it for it bit and then without anyone even noticing he wraps his fingers around my hair and tugs ...just enough to get my attention.....boring get togethers can be such fun sometimes.


Ah the discreet hair tug Master does that too Although I don't call Him Master or even Sir in public, the respect is always there.

I am I suppose what others would see as an attentive wife. I make sure He has a cup of tea if He wants one, I fill His plate, get His meds when needed. I wear a silver choker all the time. Anyone not in the know would think it is just a nice piece of jewellery.

Master's sister is over for a visit from Canada - she is horrified at the way I "run after Him" to use her words. She says we need to have a serious talk I have tried to explain that it makes me happy to do these things for Him, stopping short of actually explaining the D/s part.

(in reply to BeautySleeping)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 5:33:53 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59

Faramir that all sounds good and reasonable but of course it’s also bull…. your fantasy world .....and you did not address her question.


Actually he did. You just seem to have a loss of perspective on this.

I desire to have a M/S relationship. A M/S relationship to me is defined by the transfer of authority.

If I make decisions on what clothes my girl should wear, what food to cook, what groceries to buy, how to comb her hair, then that relationship is in fact very real and still fits the definition.

The "fantasy" is thinking that just because I dont parade her threw the streets, butt naked, wearing a slave collar and cuffs, dragged on a leash it is not in fact "real".

The "fantasy" is thinking that just because we dont include the BDSM stereotypes in our life on a 24/7 basis then its not real.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59
The vast majority of the world looks down on people of our bent as flawed and perverted. Also the vast majority of the people we love also feel the same. They would be hurt and embarrassed if they knew we participated in the life style. To ignore this fact would be arrogant and insensitive on our part.

It makes no difference if we believe it is flawed and perverted or not. I would not open my children to ridicule because of my lifestyle if I could help it. I’m sure my Mother would never understand…why would I hurt her.
So I do have the everyday real world… the world I present a face of normality for the sake of those I love and want to protect. My other life would not be real to them …hell its not real to me sometimes.
Bri I wish I had answers… I don’t. I hope others have useful suggestions. I’m afraid the bottom line is you only have two choices…Hide your lifestyle from friends and family and be less then happy in either or…… Come out just as a homosexual does and take the chance of alienating and hurting those you love. Sure… some will say they love you whatever your lifestyle. Don’t let that fool you…it will hurt them deeply.
Myself… I will not put my wants and needs over those I love.Butch


Or..you have a third choice...find the fine line between living completely in the closet and blatantly screaming to the entire world that you are "unique and different".

You can incorporate BDSM into your everyday life without purposfully alientating yourself from the rest of the world.

Dont wear leather and latex walking down the street the same way the average human being who doesnt identity as BDSM doesnt wear bleached stained jeans and torn and dirt covered T-shirts to a formal fine dining restaurant.

Dont tie your slave to a tree in the backyard and flog her in view of the neighbors the same the average non BDSM human being doesnt strip down naked and assfuck his wife on the front lawn.

Not sharing your sexual exploits and intimate details of your personal life with your children is no different then the average non BDSM couple who doesnt share details and explanations of how they grunted and humped doggystyle  last night. with their children.

I keep BDSM books lieing around on my desk, wear a BDSM symbol on my neck, have a bag of toys lieing in my open closet, unlocked and easily accesible to anyone who wants to snoop, and BDSM links in plain sight on my computer's monitor that usually stays on. Amazing though, I have yet to have a single family member, roommate, or friend treat me any different because of it or openly ask me about it. They might talk about me behind my back...but thats not really any different then me leaving Penthouse and Playboy around and them snickering in private because I like porn.

I dont feal the need to go up to my family and announce that I am, in fact, a perverted and flawed BDSM freak, no more than I ever felt the need to go up to them, get them in a group, and say "Hey...guys...I just want to tell you...I've been having sex since the age of 15."

I dont call them up and tell them about the last weekend where my girl came to visit and reveal all the special protocols we did in private, no more then I have ever felt the need to call them up and tell them all the details of my sex life when I spent the weekend with a vanilla girlfriend.

If a family member confronted me about my personal lifestyle and were hurt by them, then, unfortanely, its on them to deal with the personal decisions I have made as an adult. They are adults. I am an adult. Adults handle their own fealings.

Parents get hurt all the time because they find out their devoutly Catholic son has just become an Athiest, their future doctor of a daughter has made a choice to become an exotic dancer, or a child has made the decision to join the military when the parents are devout Anti-War pacifist hippies.

The notion that we cant reveal our lifestyle choices because our parents will get hurt is just an excuse to cover up personal shame and lack of self acceptance. People make choices all the time in all different contexts that cause their parents or family members hurt or shame based on thier own values and lifestyle.





_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 5:44:05 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59
It is only bull as a generality….in your particular case it may be the truth. BUT…. It would be hard for me to believe that you, or anyone else reading this, does not hide parts of their life from people around them. If you are so adamant and secure in your “REAL lifestyle…. then why hide anything. I think the OP would like advice on how to deal with the REALITY of HER situation. Not a diatribe on how she is all wrong in her perception of BDSM

And yes you are excused and I also ask you to excuse me. I don’t mean to be so confrontational … like you I am just trying to encourage comment and honesty


I like heavy metal music.

I have friends who dont like or listen to heavy metal music.

I dont hide my heavy metal CDs from them or would lie to them if asked about my heavy metal interest.

However, when I am with them, we dont talk about heavy metal music, we dont listen to heavy metal music, and I dont even really mention my interest in heavy metal music. In short, some of my friends probably dont even know I like heavy metal music and wont unless they came out and asked me or saw the heavy metal CDs.

Am I hiding from them or did I just simply realize early on that we dont share the interest or understanding of heavy metal music at all and instead participate and talk about other shared interests when I am with them?

There is a huge different between hiding and making decisions to not purposefully alienate myself from these friends because of my interest in heavy metal music.

Some people seem to think that because you get into BDSM, you become part of this super secert different world and your only choice is to alienate yourself from the rest of the "vanilla" world.

I think people would be a lot better off if they stopped viewing it as something super special and different from the rest of society and just another interest and lifestyle choice...like shopping or soccer or football or clubbing or whatever.

You dont have to make choices that constantly ram it down their throats and make them uncomfortable to be around you to be "true to yourself".

Just like someone who had zero interest, like or understanding of heavy metal music would not want to hang around with me if all I did was talk about heavy metal music.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 5:48:39 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Teachme59

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

If you are so adamant and secure in your “REAL lifestyle…. then why hide anything. I think the OP would like advice on how to deal with the REALITY of HER situation. Not a diatribe on how she is all wrong in her perception of BDSM

Exactly how do you define the difference between "hiding" and "politely discreet/irrelevant to the relationship"? 

When my mother came to visit, the kink and sex books were on the bookshelves, the porn videos were on the dvd shelves and the sex toys were in their boxes where they belong.

But I've never sat down with her and come out as a slave.

Am I hiding from her? 


Hello LuckyAlbatross

I don’t see any difference in hiding and politely discreet/irrelevant to the relationship.

I read your profile this is just a part.

Kinks: mind fucks, mind control, hypnosis, wax, fear, knives, blood, breath, humiliation, objectification, age play, puppy play, bondage, rapes
 
I am not judging you in your likes… they match many of mine. I believe your mother…my mother…any mother finding out that their son or daughter is involved in the above would certainly, at the very least, be afraid for their safety. I believe you may feel the same way and will hide those words wants and actions from her.

It is the point I am trying to make… we are not normal… really… but neither are we bad or nasty. We just all need to hide parts of our lifestyles from those we love. If you have no one to love in this world then God bless you.

Butch


What if her interests were any of the above, but were in fact...

...motorcycle racing?
...bungee jumping?
...sky diving?
...race car driving?

These actions are more dangerous and full of risk than the BDSM acts listend above.

But hiding them so her mother doesnt worry doesnt have anything to do with "normality" or the slightest bit of shame because one participates in these acts..


< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/28/2007 6:01:08 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Teachme59)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 5:52:41 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azzmaster

bdsm is whats real... let the other wangsters in the vanilla world fit n2 us... tehy all wearin fetish gear these days anyway


I think the real problem is people who try to alienate the vanilla world from BDSM and make the "V-word" sound like an insult to all us great, real, BDSMers.

If people would view everybody as living in the same world with BDSM just being an another activity that a person engages in and D/S and M/S as another relationship, things probably would be a little better off..

When I see people come here with an "Anti-Vanilla" axe to grind, it makes me wonder who is really the least accepting...

them or the vanilla world...

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to azzmaster)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World - 5/28/2007 7:30:55 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elegant

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

To answer the OP, it is practically impossible to be in a BDSM relationship 24/7; especially if kids are in the mix.


I disagree. I don't kneel at Master's Archer's feet every evening at 6:00 when the unmentionables are here but that does not mean we are not 24/7 Master/slave. Our relationship is not based on what we wear or how many time he whips me but, rather, on the power dynamic.

I am a mom I am a slave Those are the two most important aspects of my life and neither takes precedence over the other. Balance is the key and I have had to learn to maintain equilibrium in my life so that the two facets blend together but each remains distinct. Every once in a while I wobble but somehow manage to stay center in the balance.



Elegant, you say you disagree, then go on to say more or less what I said, just using your own words. I don't think we disagree in any particular except that you call balancing your life amongst your different responsibilities 24/7, whereas I would not.

It is about the power exchange between me and my slave as well. I don't require her to do anything that would make her uncomfortable when we are visiting with her vanilla friends, or out in public. That does not mean for a moment that we are not both very aware of the power dynamic between us at all times. When you inspire someone to want to be my slave, they willingly give into it completely. And the more they love how you make them feel, the more they want to feel that way all the time.

As to the subject of whether one comes out of the closet or not, that will be different for each individual, and different for each of their relationships. Some people live in a more liberal environment, others do not. It is not a question of which is the better or worse choice; it is simply a matter of respect for those around you. We keep our lifestyle mostly to ourselves, as it would be uncomfortable for some of our friends to accept. Those who we believe would be comfortable, we have told. It really is that simple.

Actually, it was very amusing when my slave told some of her vanilla girlfriends that she had a new (vanilla) boyfriend, and that I expected some changes in the way she wore her hair and the way she dressed, the reaction was "He sounds awfully controlling." We had a great laugh over that.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to Elegant)
Profile   Post #: 40
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