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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 5:42:20 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967

Because while I believed that my vows, my covenant between God, her and me was to last for all time, she is the one that let go, she is the one that considered our marriage to be optional.

I'm with you on that one. Kudos for going the distance.

quote:

I stand here now a man that would have torn down the world and laid it at her feet, just a living heartache.

My heartfelt condolences. I know what you mean.

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 6:06:12 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: happilyHis

So.....my question is this.......

Have people become so self-centered and self-absorbed that when the physical aspects of a relationship aren't immediately possible, it's time to move on? Am I really that different in wanting to be there for Him in any way that I can?

I can't comment on others.. only myself. Personally. I think your commitment is great.

My girls are My girls... No matter the state of their Health. Their commitment and willingness to obey to the best of their ability is what I expect. In time I expect their abilities in many things to become less... However, with the passage of time... I also expect their commitment and willingness to obey to become more. At least that is how it is in my life.. others may differ.

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 6:41:10 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: knotboundsoul

Although I hadn't meant for the responses to question His honesty but rather was curious on how others would deal with an illness of their Dom or sub, I will try and explain a bit further........

First of all, I have known Him for years although our relationship as Dom/sub is only about a year old. We live near each other and have seen each other on pretty much a daily basis since our first "date".

For several days prior to the last time I saw Him in person, He had been quite ill. When I did see Him, He told me that He had been to the doctor and was waiting for some test results. That night, He ended up being rushed to the hospital. He ended up having two major surgeries and yes, for a while He was in a coma.

He has only been home a little over a week, and still has to have visiting nurses as well as weekly overnight stays in the hospital to monitor His condition. Both physically and emotionally, He is in no condition to be in a relationship at this time. We still talk daily and when He is well, I will be seeing Him although I don't know if it will be as His submissive or whether it will be simply as friends.

I have zero doubts as to His feelings for me.......it is the situation that is unknown. He did not choose to abandon the relationship......and I do not choose to abandon Him.

I would say in response to this, I still do not understand why you did not drive to his house, call his friends, or family. I would do all three if out of the blue Daddy quit contacting me. He has left me with ample ways to find out if something terrible happened to him, and I am grateful for that.

I do not know if I would continue to talk about remaining the submissive of someone that did not want me to be theirs for whatever reason, even illness. Although I will say if he had a coma he may be suffering some very ill effects, perhaps even brain damage, seeing I do not know the scope of his illness I cannot reply to your friend's reactions

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 6:43:42 PM

happypervert

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quote:

ORIGINAL: happilyHis

He is unsure when and if He will ever be able to see me again. <snip>

Have people become so self-centered and self-absorbed that when the physical aspects of a relationship aren't immediately possible, it's time to move on? Am I really that different in wanting to be there for Him in any way that I can?

I really like the way you have distorted your tale by using the "sickness and in health" phrase from marrige vows to make yourself seem like a martyr while casting stones at others as being "self-centered and self-absorbed". The key facts to the argument are not that the physical aspects of a relationship aren't available, but that he thought so little of you that it was "several weeks" when you heard nothing at all from him, and even now there is a question of IF he will ever see you again.

I suppose you can feel morally superior to others by taking that stance, but I'd suggest that you are sticking your head in the sand and being seriously stupid by ignoring what an unbiased observer could see as you getting the brush-off. I think that if you haven't seen him yet during this serious illness, then the notion of being best friends exists only in your eyes and you are deluding yourself about both the depth and potential of this relationship.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 6/3/2007 6:47:42 PM >

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 6:55:42 PM

Sinergy

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My ex-wife sent word via other people that she would come visit but was too busy. This was the euphemism
she used in other venues meaning a) out with friends or b) on the telephone or c) sleeping.

Weird. My parents said the same thing.

My best buddy from Kindergarten told the hospital we were brothers and came to see me when I was in the
hospital.

Guess which of all these people will be the one I send lawyers, guns, and money to get him out of whatever he gets himself in to.

Sinergy

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 7:08:40 PM

hereyesruponyou

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My first husband was diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease and had to go on dialysis. For the next 2 years i was always amazed by the people who commented on me staying with him. His parents even thanked me a few times. I found that really bizarre. 2 years later when he died (after making #1 on the transplant list) it was heartbreaking and i wasn't sure i could ever do that again with someone. It took a long time to heal the feeling of loss and abandonment. I know i could do it again now with my current mate, which is kinda how i could tell when i healed.

To put a different perspective on things. He may be really scared and not want to hold you back. Not knowing what his future may bring, he knows he can not promise you anything. My suggestion is not to push too hard as this will put pressure and stress on him. Be his friend and see how things go. In time you will either resume your relationship ina new way, or you will know it is time to move on. Neither means you have to stop being his friend or caring for him

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 7:15:51 PM

mbes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: knotboundsoulHe has only been home a little over a week, and still has to have visiting nurses as well as weekly overnight stays in the hospital to monitor His condition. Both physically and emotionally, He is in no condition to be in a relationship at this time. We still talk daily and when He is well, I will be seeing Him although I don't know if it will be as His submissive or whether it will be simply as friends.

I have zero doubts as to His feelings for me.......it is the situation that is unknown. He did not choose to abandon the relationship......and I do not choose to abandon Him.

I very much believe in "in sickness and in health". That does presuppose a relationship that doesn't get put on hold because one of us is in no condition to be in a relationship at any time. We're married and in the marriage regardless of our conditions. A relationship which is put on hold for various reasons is a different matter, and one I wouldn't assume to carry the same level of commitment to "good times and bad" from either party. Since you say that the minimum level for this is friendship, that is all I would expect a commitment to.
Your friends may simply have been going on the information they had, that there was serious doubt as to the continuance of the former bdsm relationship.

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 7:51:31 PM

domiguy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty

quote:

ORIGINAL: happilyHis
<<snip>>Have people become so self-centered and self-absorbed that when the physical aspects of a relationship aren't immediately possible, it's time to move on? Am I really that different in wanting to be there for Him in any way that I can?

Some people may be self-centered, not everyone. I faced cancer the last few years {never had it, but was very close};,
On the other side of the coin, I stuck around a drug addicted spouse as long as I could before I had to think of my child and myself and not of him, {addiction is listed as a 'disease' .. whatever}; he may have been sick, but, by first priority was to my child and to myself..
If my Partner/Husband/Master got sick, would I stick around, no questions asked, no second thoughts. Love is for life. If the phsyical had to be limited because of illness, then, oh well, its limited, as long as I have the company of that person, I could careless. I love the person and everything that comes and goes along with them.

I feel the same about relationships as slaverosebeauty.....I will stck around until you have simply become too much of a drag.

I will not date anyone with a substance abuse problem...Excessive drinker (unless their beverage of choice happens to be cum).......Lif is way to short and I am way to selfish with my time to spend it on such a person.

In all seriousness if a true loved one were to be come seriously ill...I might just hang around for awhile....In another thread I could have sworn I read that good ol' Dr Kavorkian was recently released from prison......I don't think it wouldn't be considered to be offensive if I kept his card stuck on the fridge right next to that "cat post card" yaknow the one that says "hang in there baby!!!".....Cuz if you don't, I might just put in a call to the good Dr!!!

Oh this was supposed to be about the op?....Hmmmm...I would reconsider your definition of "best friend"........Other than that your gonna do what your gonna do....I think it is odd that other friends that you know would assume that you would leave?....Perhaps they see something different in your relationship than you do....It's just seems like such an odd thing to say!!! It makes me think that there is something rather "off" about your story.

Maybe I will look into buying long term care coverage....Just to make sure that there will always be someone around to change my diapers and wipe the snot off of my face....

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 8:01:43 PM

Indemnis

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quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

I really like the way you have distorted your tale by using the "sickness and in health" phrase from marrige vows to make yourself seem like a martyr while casting stones at others as being "self-centered and self-absorbed". The key facts to the argument are not that the physical aspects of a relationship aren't available, but that he thought so little of you that it was "several weeks" when you heard nothing at all from him, and even now there is a question of IF he will ever see you again.

I suppose you can feel morally superior to others by taking that stance, but I'd suggest that you are sticking your head in the sand and being seriously stupid by ignoring what an unbiased observer could see as you getting the brush-off. I think that if you haven't seen him yet during this serious illness, then the notion of being best friends exists only in your eyes and you are deluding yourself about both the depth and potential of this relationship.

Pretty much my own thoughts.

Your message sounds a bit like you expect praise for your actions. I can understand your loyalty and all, but it truly does sound like you're getting smeg all for your efforts.

As for the original question, I know I would stay by my Dom's side should he fall ill, and I know anyone truly in love would do the same. Your common sense probably could've told you this much.

Now... as to your friends who are, as we have established, your friends... did you not stop to think they have your best interests in mind? If they're all saying similar things, maybe they're not the ones acting crazy...

Putting aside my slight bishyness for a moment to agree with the general mood of the responses you've gotten, it really does sound fishy. Be his friend, and be there for him if he needs you, but for the luvvagod, look for a new romantic relationship... there is nothing like unwavering, unwanted affection to make someone feel nice and stalked. If he is truly ill, he probably doesn't need that.

< Message edited by Indemnis -- 6/3/2007 8:04:02 PM >

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/3/2007 8:43:54 PM

LafayetteLady

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I'm still trying to figure this out. You had been together for some amount of time 'EVERY SINGLE DAY' since your first "date". For nearly a year. Was this relationship secret? Not for nothing, but if I am seeing someone everyday for a year, and I have not met a single other person/family member of his. I might question why this has happened. Were you a secret person in his life? It does appear that way from how things went down. If I was involved with someone and I just didn't hear from them for WEEKS, I'm looking and contacting others to find out why. Surely family members and other friends were aware of his illness.

I can't get past something being weird about his behavior.

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 2:25:35 AM

MaamJay

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Yes it could be that He doesn't feel able to commit to the future so is trying to be self-sacrificial ... "It wouldn't be fair of Me to keep her if I can no longer do x, y and z so I should push her away" type of thinking. That's a definite possibility taking in ALL that you have posted.

However, I too find it a bit surreal that you had NO way of contacting Him when He took ill, or that He had no way of ensuring that you were contacted and told of His illness. Surely someone must have been contacted by the hospital? Why weren't you in contact with others that He knew? Why weren't you listed in His phone book under "to be contacted in case of emergency"?

That said, it could be a good time to mention an email I got some while ago, not sure if it's an Aussie thing or wider. That is the idea to have ICE numbers in your mobile directory, diary, phone book etc. ICE stands for In Case of Emergency and people such as Ambulance Officers, paramedics or doctors at hospitals etc would easily be able to find who needs to be contacted. I and the many friends I circulated it to thought it a brilliant idea and I have a list of ICE numbers. However, long before that, when I was talking a lot online and had many different chat friends whose "company" I enjoyed (not all D/s or cyber btw!), I set up a list of contacts with a couple of trusted friends/family who were sufficiently computer savvy to be able to email/IM key people so word would get around. I did so after I was contacted by a friend of one of my chat friends (John) to tell me that sadly he had died in an auto accident (the friend directed me to press reports to confirm, it was a particularly nasty accident and got quite a bit of coverage. He also sent me a little memento that John had told him to pass on to me (John didn't die immediately, he had chance to talk with the friend and let his wishes be known, it was something he had made that we had talked about and I had admired pictures of it) and I was just so grateful to find out because I had been so worried. John and I had chatted regularly for some time and it was just unlike him not to log in. I was very grateful to the friend for taking the time and effort to log in several times until he found me (he stuffed the time zones up!).

So maybe this is a lesson to all of us ... to make sure we have put a mechanism in place to ensure that loved ones who aren't obviously going to be contacted (ie aren't spouse or immediate family) actually do get to know what happens to us!

I do hope there is a positive outcome for the OP and her Dom. For me, i take the sickness and health concept seriously ... and i am glad Master does too as i am 15 years older than Him and with various health issues the odds are He will end up caring for me!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 4:34:24 AM

Indemnis

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

i am glad Master does too as i am 15 years older than Him and with various health issues the odds are He will end up caring for me!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

<Nods> My Dom is 20+ years older than I, and I have thought long and hard about that.. I am glad you have a partner MaamJay who will care for you when that time comes.

I know I will/would do so for my wonderful owner if I have to.
I just hate the idea of him hurting.

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 4:44:35 AM

Rayne58

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

My first husband was diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease and had to go on dialysis. For the next 2 years i was always amazed by the people who commented on me staying with him. His parents even thanked me a few times. I found that really bizarre. 2 years later when he died (after making #1 on the transplant list) it was heartbreaking and i wasn't sure i could ever do that again with someone. It took a long time to heal the feeling of loss and abandonment. I know i could do it again now with my current mate, which is kinda how i could tell when i healed.

To put a different perspective on things. He may be really scared and not want to hold you back. Not knowing what his future may bring, he knows he can not promise you anything. My suggestion is not to push too hard as this will put pressure and stress on him. Be his friend and see how things go. In time you will either resume your relationship ina new way, or you will know it is time to move on. Neither means you have to stop being his friend or caring for him

My Dom/Husband also has end stage renal disease, but there's no chance of a transplant, so we take each day as it comes. We have been together now for 3 1/2 years and married for almost 6 months.

I knew He was ill before we got together. He was upfront and honest with me about everything, and let me make the choice of whether to begin a relationship with Him or not. I decided the Man was worth more than the disease, and we have been very happy in the time we have been together. His doctor has told Him that barring unforseen circumstances there is no reason why He should not live for a few more years yet, and we would rather have a shorter time together than none at all.

I have gotten the same reaction from others who wonder why I am with Him considering all His health problems. Sure His illness has a profound effect on our life together, how can it not? Yet I would be cutting my nose off to spite my face if I let that get in the way of being happier than I've ever been in my life before.

Some people cannot cope with illness. Master's first wife was one of them. She was 18 years younger than Him and she could not see herself tied to a very ill man, so she left.....

When we were planning our wedding we made sure the vow "in sickness and in health" was included, and when we spoke them we each squeezed the other's hand....

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 8:42:37 AM

ErusUxor

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It seems to me that you, LA, still support your partner/s in "sickness and health" reguardless of a poly situation.

I think that the question was more about sticking around to care for and about someone that you made personal commitments to even if you may have to give up certain aspects of the relationship. Those aspects could be physical (as in they may not be able to hike with you anymore (or for a while) if they broke their leg, or sexual because of illness or injury, or financial (because they lost a job or are making less than they used to or they retired...etc....

It seemed the question was more about why many choose not to stick around for the more difficult parts of a relationship, including health issues. Being Poly just puts a different spin on the whole thing, and to me dosen't seem that someone in a polyamorous relationship staying around and not doing the cut and run routeen is any less noble that someone in a monogamous relationship.

Self sacrifice, in whatever form, is often a part of maintaining an important relationship.

My Master/Husband had some physical limitations and chronic pain due to spinal and knee injuries and multiple surgeries. I knew he faced more surgeries and thus, long recupperations and some lifelong physical effects when I became involved with him. He will always have certain "issues" to contend with due to nerve damage, scar tissues, loss of some mobility and pain management. I love the Man, and the Man is that "something intangible", not the sum of his parts. He is who he is, not dispite lifes difficulties, but in part...because of them.

As to why the Dom did not call or somehow contact HappilyHis during this illness, that would be the primary concern to me. Was he truely incapable of contact or is this an excuse to break ties. I'm sorry for the cynisism , but, I've seen something similar happen to a friend in the past. Once the level of reciprocity is established then I applaude HappilyHis for choosing the path of compassion. Just make sure that you can identify what is most important to you long term...because these types of situations can also be the bed for breeding some serious resentment if you're not both clear on where every thing/one stands.

< Message edited by ErusUxor -- 6/4/2007 8:59:53 AM >

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 8:55:21 AM

milkmaid42dd

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Not at all. If my Master were ill (or troubled or burdened), it would kill me to not be able to be at his side, to be THERE for him, whether it was the common cold or whether he was incapacitated with along-term illness or injury. He is MY MASTER and I would love him MORE fiercely, MORE protectively, than I do already. As long as I can feel his hand on my hair, and see him mouth, "that's My good girl," I would move the world for him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: happilyHis
Have people become so self-centered and self-absorbed that when the physical aspects of a relationship aren't immediately possible, it's time to move on? Am I really that different in wanting to be there for Him in any way that I can?

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 9:14:53 AM

fadedlace

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I've not looked at most of the replies...*edited to add, please excuse this if it's already been brought up*
But, have you considered that he doesn't want the parameters of your relationship to change? He might not want to seem weak?

One former lover *almost-vanilla a long time ago* broke a limb and required help, which I was happy to do...I considered it part of the whole package and still saw him as the same "Top" personality as before; however, he told me after he broke it off with me later, that he had felt weak and unmanly by needing my assistance.

My late husband/Master, however, wasn't put off by my desire to serve him however I could by helping him when he was gravely ill...we both considered it part of my service to him and it changed nothing toward my outlook of his "position."

Whatever the reason, if you've let him know you're there for him, it's his call to do whatever he will.

Just thinking out loud...

< Message edited by fadedlace -- 6/4/2007 9:17:00 AM >

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 1:50:39 PM

eveningtwilight

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It's sad to say that many people don't value the importance of toughing through the hard times. I think they just don't realize how wonderful it can be...it's like any project that takes a LOT of work, if you stick through it, you have something amazing and wonderful to show for it.

I think moving on so quickly is a lazy attitude for all those who want instant pleasure and gratification with little investment. I feel sorry for them. They are missing out on something so much deeper, even if it is just knowing that they gave their "all", regardless of whether it works out or not. There's something to say about doing your absolute best. Because even when it doesn't work out, you have at least learned something great from the experience, especially about yourself. Quitters never get that pleasure.

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 2:17:06 PM

andreaC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: happilyHis

Greetings to all!!

Although I have been a member of this site for a while now, I have created this screen name to ask a question.......while respecting the privacy of my Dom.

We have been seeing each other for about a year. Although our schedules make it difficult, we have managed to see each other nearly every day, if only for a few minutes. He has become not only my Dom but my best friend.

I became quite concerned about a month ago when I hadn't heard from Him for a couple of days. I knew something was terribly wrong and expressed to some of my friends just how worried I was. After several weeks, I finally heard from Him again. He has been seriously ill and now faces several months of recovery......and that is provided there are no further setbacks.

He is unsure when and if He will ever be able to see me again. At this point, my only concern is that He get well again. My question concerns my friends' reactions when I told them what had happened. Basically they told me how sorry they were that I had to go through the process of finding another Dom. When I said that I have no intention of going anywhere......that I will be there for Him until the time He tells me that is no longer interested in the D/s lifestyle......they act as if I am crazy for waiting.

So.....my question is this.......

Have people become so self-centered and self-absorbed that when the physical aspects of a relationship aren't immediately possible, it's time to move on? Am I really that different in wanting to be there for Him in any way that I can?

I am with you on this, i would do the same, meaning to be there for him no matter what. I adore my Master and nothing or no one would keep me from being there for him.

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RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 2:28:11 PM

Suleiman

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(fast reply)
Hey - with my wife, I swore almost all the usual stuff - To love, honor, and obey, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, as long as we both shall live. We omitted the "forsaking all others" part of the oath. We've had ample opportunity over the last few years to stress test all of that. The difficulties we've faced have so far only made us closer.

I know a fair number of people who focus solely on the physical aspects of their romantic entanglements, and when the relationship hits a snag, when the sex stops and the snuggling ends and all the little games cease to be, when it stops being fun for whatever reason or becomes inconvenient, their first thought is to move on and find someone else. Those few who are sufficiently self-aware to know that this is their principle motivation don't bug me. The ones who call what they experience love make me want to slug them. Falling in love, falling out of love, acting like emotional idiots and leaving soap-operatic chaos in their wake. I was too old for melodrama by the time I was twenty, and at this stage in my life, I don't even have much patience for it.

Caring for someone, being true to your commitments, being loyal to your friends, your lover(s), your ideals, that is something worthwhile. It makes you a better person, it gives you a modicum of self-respect that helps you get through your own difficulties. It's a badge of honor to be worn proudly.

I once explained to my wife that when a submissive says "I'll do anything for you", that usually means "fuck me the freakiest way you know how." When I say "I'll do anything for you", that also means, "I'll do without." I know I'm not alone in this perspective. Be proud, HappilyHis. Be strong. Stay with him, to have and to hold.

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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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Post #: 59

RE: Does anyone believe in "in sickness and in hea... - 6/4/2007 5:59:39 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I didn't know how I would deal with this same situation until faced with it myself. Master became sick for a time and is still recovering everyday. A few months ago I had alot of uncertainty. After thinking about it for a long time I asked Master what would happen if he became unable to perform his duties as my Master. He said if I became very unhappy with the situation then he would release me as his slave. I thought about it and said "hell no!" He is everything to me and I would stand by him in sickness and in health. To me being a slave isn't about when it is convenient for me when he is well. It is about being his slave in every situation. I think it also depends on the type of relationship. If it is a casual thing then I would expect someone to stick around. Personally for me it is not about being his only when he is well. When things get tough alot do run for the hills. For me that is not going to happen. Good for you for staying with him in sickness as well.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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Post #: 60