RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice

RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Mercnbeth -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 3:51:58 PM)
quote: If you have NO experience, why would you claim to have vast amounts...and more importantly, why would you give advice? erin, It used to be a requirement that prior to marriage a couple had to go to a Priest for pre-Canaan classes and discussions regarding all aspects of married life, including sex. After you were forced to go through that process you may come to question your decision to participate in that exercise. At the time, it may have made sense as part of tradition or just because you respected the institution or image without thinking about it logically. There are many sources giving advice, usually iron clad and as inflexible as the RCC, based upon a similar, veneer thick, image. Assume that is the case all the time and you won't be disappointed. Don't trust anyone's representation or experience. If you want advice, rely on observation of an example of a desired goal and seek out whoever it is that exhibits that goal and ask questions. Accept no dogma, but generate your own based upon as many of those positive examples as you can find.

domiguy -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 3:54:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: livenlearn quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin If you have NO experience, why would you claim to have vast amounts...and more importantly, why would you give advice? Don't people realize that what they say can have a great impact on others? Don't they also realize that no matter how many chat rooms they have been in or no matter how many books they have read....the truth usually reveals itself in the end. This really is a pretty small community when you get right down to it. Ugh! I am actually going to say that what you have said here is the best piece of advice I have seen yet. I, personally, have no experience, neither does my boyfriend. We have gone to a couple munches, some clubs, etc, lurked around some websites...all with the intention of trying to discover whether or not we want to go forward and take the next step in our curiosity. I will be honest; in the past two years that we have been talking with others; it has left a bad taste in my mouth trying to decipher what is good advice and what is bad. */shakes head* I think it would be a little more difficult to be in your situation...Where both parties are entering with the same degree of experience...But at the same time that is where fantasies and different "turn ons" can really work to your advantage...There is much that I would gladly admit to not being an expert on....If something new piqued my interests I would explore it and decide if it is something that I am comfortable working into my repertoire....My first experience with breast restriction went far from rosy....Have done it a few times since but always there is a slight level of apprehension when dealing with something as "serious" as this.....I have never picked up a bull whip...So I don't think it would be at all wise for me to start flailing around with one in the hopes that I would find success....just like every other relationship and skill ...it takes time..Find your own speed...have fun...and enjoy yourselves.

slaverosebeauty -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 3:54:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy You just hope that you have enough common sense to avoid the fakes, wannabe trolls....But then again someone's fake might be another person's mentor...Guess it all comes down to the ability to use sound judgement. As erin pointed out in another thread that common sence is subjective. I'm saddened by the LACK of common sence, yet, many preach AGAINST it. One cannot agree that common sence is necessary or around in one thread then bash it in another. Isn't judgement subjective? {goes back to linguistics books. its gonna be a freakin long night}

thetammyjo -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 4:08:37 PM)
Makes me curious. How exactly does one verify that any of us has any experience outside of typing on this board?

LadyIce -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 4:15:55 PM)
I would also state that anyone can have an "opinion" on things. There is a big difference between advice that is specific and general conversation. The majority of the threads or questions on this board are not that detailed, that you need years of experience to comment. Even though I have limited experience, I often disagree with the people here with years of experience on certain things. Most of the situations here can be settled by common sense, and I am not sure where experience would play into THAT.

domiguy -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 4:18:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy You just hope that you have enough common sense to avoid the fakes, wannabe trolls....But then again someone's fake might be another person's mentor...Guess it all comes down to the ability to use sound judgement. As erin pointed out in another thread that common sence is subjective. I'm saddened by the LACK of common sence, yet, many preach AGAINST it. One cannot agree that common sence is necessary or around in one thread then bash it in another. Isn't judgement subjective? {goes back to linguistics books. its gonna be a freakin long night} You are mistaken. no one preaches against using common sense.....What they preach against is people whom continually display their lack of it on these forums but continue to give advice......Advice that most can see is flawed in some form or another. Everyone has definition to all sorts of silly words and acronyms.....For instance, if before I bite into a jalapeno pepper I ask a friend, who has just consumed one of the peppers, is it hot?.....Unless I know my friend's tolerance to "heat" than the answer is all but worthless. No one out here knows to much about the other...If you do choose to meet someone,you better use all of your "spidey-senses" and when they start a tingling...Get yourself as far away from that person as possible.

domiguy -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 4:34:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyIce I would also state that anyone can have an "opinion" on things. There is a big difference between advice that is specific and general conversation. The majority of the threads or questions on this board are not that detailed, that you need years of experience to comment. Even though I have limited experience, I often disagree with the people here with years of experience on certain things. Most of the situations here can be settled by common sense, and I am not sure where experience would play into THAT. So much of this is subjective as to personal likes and taste......And it is definitely not one size fits all....I think you owe it to yourself to take your time and figure out where your likes and desires lie and then figure out the right approach to acclimate yourself to those wants. quote: theTammyjo Makes me curious. How exactly does one verify that any of us has any experience outside of typing on this board? I think that over time people can get a feel for which posters are sincere and are not full of shit....I would think that many who have a question would think that a sincere answer from you would carry some relevance that should be weighed....I am happy to chime in on matters of common sense...But I would never begin to tell someone the merits of this technique vs some other only because my knowledge only pertains to the things that I enjoy as well as my partners...Also I'm kind of a private sort of fuck.

slaveluci -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 4:47:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyIce I would also state that anyone can have an "opinion" on things. There is a big difference between advice that is specific and general conversation. The majority of the threads or questions on this board are not that detailed, that you need years of experience to comment. Even though I have limited experience, I often disagree with the people here with years of experience on certain things. Most of the situations here can be settled by common sense, and I am not sure where experience would play into THAT. LadyIce, This is exactly what I was thinking. "Years of experience" doesn't necessarily make someone any wiser than the rest of us. Now if someone spent ten years perfecting the use of a bullwhip - sure, he/she knows way more than I do - about THAT subject. But simply having lived and circulated within the "lifestyle"circles doesn't make an individual necessarily any wiser than a "newbie." That's one of the biggest falsehoods circulating, in my opinion. Just because someone is new to discovering BDSM doesn't necessarily mean he/she is gullible and easily dazzled or led astray. PERHAPS they are, but perhaps also is someone who's been at it for years. To me, the only time experience equates to knowledge is when someone has been studying or perfecting something over those years. Many people tend to assume that we grow older and wiser yet many only grow older. "Newbie" or one who's been around the block a few times, you either have common senSe or you don't[:)]

dawntreader -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 4:50:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy Domiguy struts out wearing his "mentor" ballcap......And a tshirt that reads..."Will mentor for pussy." ROFL!!!! That what i like about you Domiguy! You are to the point and use the barter system!

slaveluci -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 5:05:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy I think that over time people can get a feel for which posters are sincere and are not full of shit....I would think that many who have a question would think that a sincere answer from you would carry some relevance that should be weighed.... I absolutely agree, Domiguy. Anyone who reads/posts on these forums regularly should be able to see when others post sincere and thoughtful answers that obviously come from a basis of good sense and some knowledge of what they are speaking about. For me, the biggest factor in considering whether someone is "for real" or not - and by that I DON'T MEAN a "real" or "twue" anything, I mean being HONEST in their posts - is whether or not the stories they tell are consistent. No matter what one's approach is, when they write posts about themselves, their SO's, their relationships and experiences, etc., if the facts aren't consistent throughout, I get the sneaking suspicion they're full of BS. I have read posts from those who basically just tend to get their "facts" a bit tangled. They wholeheartedly profess that things are a particular way with them and then later slip-up and let it show that they may not be exactly true. Just recently, I noted some glaring inconsistencies in a particular slave's stories and when I asked sincere, probing questions in a respectful way, they were blatantly ignored. Mind you, this person chose to converse with me and bring the issues up. Then, when I noted some things that just didn't add up and politely inquired about them (even though I think most of what she says is clearly a delusion), she simply ignored them and went off to continue to post more of her nonsense which no one else ever seems to question in the least. Does she have the right to lie and make up all she wants? Sure. Does she have the right to post it and have it taken at face value and as truth by those who read it? Of course. Just pardon me if I no longer believe a word she writes. Such inconsistencies in one's posts and then refusal to address them indicates to me that the person is lying in some way, shape, or form and my time is too valuable to sit around debating them about their "imaginary" slavehood. I agree 110% that we, as readers of others' posts, must use the common sense that we (hopefully) have and just dismiss those who would speak of having lots of relevant experience but yet show otherwise by the contradictions in their posts. As they say, the internet is like the bathroom wall. You can write whatever you want on it - that doesn't make it true[:)]. As TammyJo said, how do we know that ANYONE is telling the truth? Well, unless we know them personally, of course we do not. But I think when someone consistently posts and consistently tells the same story and seems well-grounded in reality, that CAN be a clue that perhaps they are who they represent themselves as. Just an opinion...........slave luci

tricia -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 5:29:25 PM)
quote: How exactly does one verify that any of us has any experience outside of typing on this board? My thoughts exactly. And this is coming from a submissive who never hopes to have enough "experience" to advise, consult with or enlighten anyone.

Emperor1956 -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 5:33:29 PM)
A few random thoughts (or are they random?): Lady Ellen: You aren't over the tomato tariff thing yet, are you? mercnbeth: It was (and still is) "pre Cana" classes, not "pre Canaan". It is from the story of Christ at the Wedding at Cana. I'm Jewish, and even I know that story from your bible! And the classes were never a requirement to be married, they were a requirement of the Catholic church. but otherwise you got it almost, nearly, sorta right. And finally, while there are many who give advice they are not qualified to give, how fun it is to be superior and bash away. Indeed posting on this thread about those awful clueless advice givers surely indicates that those who post are SUPERIOR. Because, of course, those who point out how awful the newbies and wannabies and hunnybies of the world are are so clearly superior that the advice they give must be gold! E.

Celeste43 -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 5:49:42 PM)
But most of the problems that people ask advice about doesn't need vast experiences owning a dozen slaves simultaneously or being the greatest whip master. Mainly what causes problems here are the same as what causes problems in the vanilla world. Communication, both in talking to and listening, truly listening, to your partner. Self knowledge and feeling comfortable enough to tell your partner what you want without fear of rejection. Plus the ability to hear a hard truth and accept it, to admit to messing up and to commit to doing better. You don't need power experience to learn those things, just life experience. In addition, what I've always said is that I may not be the greatest expert on everything out there but I am the world's greatest authority on me. And I know that I'm not that unique so if I feel one way when confronted with a possible situation, then it is perfectly possible that someone else feels that way too. And if all of us share how we feel when confronted with a possible scenario, one of us will share something that will most likely be the same as the D or s feels in that situation also. By all of us sharing our feelings, we give more info, brainstorming if you will. Of course that doesn't mean the op of a thread will be willing to accept the truth even if someone hits upon it. My experience is that most people won't because to admit it makes them feel not that they made a mistake but that they are a mistake. It hits a hidden shame core deep inside and they lash out to protect that wound.

juliaoceania -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 7:09:03 PM)
quote: And finally, while there are many who give advice they are not qualified to give, how fun it is to be superior and bash away. Indeed posting on this thread about those awful clueless advice givers surely indicates that those who post are SUPERIOR. Because, of course, those who point out how awful the newbies and wannabies and hunnybies of the world are are so clearly superior that the advice they give must be gold! Most of the time I would very much agree with this sentiment, to each their own, suspend your disbelief in all the words contained herein, and all that good stuff, BUT even I have noticed certain posts made lately that raise my eyebrows. I would be concerned over people allowing such others to mentor them, guide them, advise them... since some of the mentorees are probably very young. But then I remembered something, it is not my turn to babysit! Perhaps these "posters" that this thread is really about were actually trained in expectance, who knows? I just know what I do, what I know, and that is good enough for me. Let others learn their lessons, hopefully no one will get hurt, but as the saying goes... there are no victims here, there are only volunteers, and I say that with respect to the founder of this thread because I think that her heart was in the right place in posting it.

losttreasure -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 7:45:28 PM)
While I agree that common sense works in lieu of experience for many issues, I also admit that I shake my head when I see posters who aren't in successful relationships offering advice to others on how to have one. It's one thing to offer an opinion and I have no problem with that; it's when that opinion is delivered in such a way that it comes off as an absolute... "This is what is happening and you must do such and such." Of course, I realize that is my issue, but it's like the 300 pound man who tells others how to lose weight. My first thought is, "Yeah... how's that working for you?"

LadyHeart -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 7:49:01 PM)
Rant starts here ----> the one that REALLY annoys me is the "I'm a proDomme so listen to me" gambit. Being a pro just means you take money for it, it doesn't mean you are therefore any wiser than the next person. I have met proDommes that I wouldn't trust to change their own undies, let alone to have charge of another human being's safety and welfare. I take note of people's information but always cross check it myself, and where possible, build up an opinion of the person giving the advice. But are they right because they are a "pro"? Not hardly! <----- end of rant LOL :)) LH

MzMia -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 7:52:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci quote: ORIGINAL: LadyIce I would also state that anyone can have an "opinion" on things. There is a big difference between advice that is specific and general conversation. The majority of the threads or questions on this board are not that detailed, that you need years of experience to comment. Even though I have limited experience, I often disagree with the people here with years of experience on certain things. Most of the situations here can be settled by common sense, and I am not sure where experience would play into THAT. LadyIce, This is exactly what I was thinking. "Years of experience" doesn't necessarily make someone any wiser than the rest of us. Now if someone spent ten years perfecting the use of a bullwhip - sure, he/she knows way more than I do - about THAT subject. But simply having lived and circulated within the "lifestyle"circles doesn't make an individual necessarily any wiser than a "newbie." That's one of the biggest falsehoods circulating, in my opinion. Just because someone is new to discovering BDSM doesn't necessarily mean he/she is gullible and easily dazzled or led astray. PERHAPS they are, but perhaps also is someone who's been at it for years. To me, the only time experience equates to knowledge is when someone has been studying or perfecting something over those years. Many people tend to assume that we grow older and wiser yet many only grow older. "Newbie" or one who's been around the block a few times, you either have common senSe or you don't[:)] As someone with not as much "experience" as many here, BUT "experience" in living when I discovered this lifestyle: I agree 100% with what slaveluci says {as usual}. I entered into this "lifestyle" about 4 years ago, I don't have alot of experience in some areas---because I don't have an interest in many of those areas. I know what I want, I have learned a lot in the last few years, but my wants, needs, desires and morals have not changed much at all. I can and DO plan on improving my "skill set" by going to functions, demo's, lifestyle friends or even paying someone who impresses me with their skill set. In fact, I have 2 Professional Dominants that I am very friendly with, that I would be even willing to pay to show me a trick or two.[:D] Many of the mistakes and problems many have here, have more to do with immaturity, lack of self-esteem and not having lived in the "real world". Many of us got our "education" in college and in the streets, and there is no substitute in this world for common sense, street smarts and self-esteem. I see many here with far more skills and experience than I do, making some dumb assed moves and decisions. You can always improve your skills, but if you are not a good judge of people, your ass is still up the creek. [:D]

MaamJay -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 7:59:22 PM)
I'm in agreement with slaveluci, for Me, consistency is very important. There are a number of people on the boards who are very consistent in their personal stories, and what they say about topics that I do know something about is consistent with what I know. All this leads Me to be interested in what they have to say about topics I know less or nothing about. But even then, I try to take advice on board, sift through it and extract that which is pertinent or resonates with Me. For example, much as I thoroughly enjoy reading LadyHugs' posts, and respect immensely what She knows, that style of protocols isn't "Me" so I wouldn't adopt them for Me. Although there might be one or two that rings a little bell in Me and says, hey I would like that! And if I wanted to know more about them, I would ask Her. And luci, I agree with you in terms of the person you mentioned, the inconsistencies are glaring and the defensiveness when questioned about them says a lot to Me! Yes, everyone has an opinion, especially on most of the issues raised on the boards as they tend to be about relationships and communication, but the weight of value I ascribe to each person's opinion is up to Me. I enjoy reading lots of different opinions though, they can be mind-expanding! And as much can be learned from the bad (as in how not to!) as well as the good. Maam Jay

crouchingtigress -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 8:05:05 PM)
god i hate threads trashing mentors. for the record any one that gives you advice that you take has mentored you...all it means is teaching, and not a single one of us got to this part of our lives with out some having held the door open at some point or another.

Joseff -> RE: Claiming "experience" and giving advice (6/6/2007 8:07:43 PM)
quote: r This is why we take every thing we read online with a grain of salt. Josef [Expert Metal Worker & Leather Worker]

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.1875