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RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 9:26:42 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear frustratinggirl, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eyes I see, the most important tools you possess is your "gut instincts."

I would also have red flags if a Dominant does not permit you access to support, access to friends, others, family and or others in the scene/lifestyle. Iscolation is a tool of a 'control freak' not a Dominant. I would also be cautious of those who press you faster than you are comfortable with. No matter how small or grand, what is important to you as a source of fear, doubt, discomfort and such--a Dominant should walk with you through the journey--not tow you kicking and screaming, with heels plowing a new row for sewing seeds. If a Dominant uses; "you aren't a good slave/submissive/girl/boy if you don't/do this [insert list of stuff used]" --True, there are traits that would lead people to believe you are a good [slave,etc]; it shouldn't be used as a force tool to make a person go against their nature, their instincts and or their pace. I will add, that Dominants will encourage a slave to go and press the boundaries as to expand their personal experiences, knowledge and or insights.

I would also be cautious of those who don't allow you to have safe calls, use D/s an excuse to have sex and or do behaviors, acts and such that you are uncomfortable to do under any circumstances. The lifestyle is suppose to be built on communication, trust, patience and understanding each other; as well as to respect each other. Teach people how to treat you.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to frustratinggirl)

Post #: 41

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 10:24:45 PM

Tannie

Posts: 134
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: frustratinggirl

I was wondering , as a new sub, wanted to extract from all those experiences of initially meeting a new possible dominant partner. What were warning signs to you that you initaially found or ended up finding out, that indicated that the person was unfit for you

This one is easy for me to answer. When he attempted choke play on me after I told such an activity was off-limits and he did some damage to my windpipe. By the time I realized how bad the situation was, I was getting tunnel vision from lack of air. I was able to break the hold, thankfully, and the relationship was over a couple days later when he told me to shut up in front of my own brother. Well, actually, it was over the same day as the choking, but it took a couple days to convince the guy.

Because of this extremely rude awakening (about him specifically, not doms or tops in general) I now pay very close attention to how a potential partner reacts to me saying "no". If he flies off the handle or tries to convince me to change my mind right away, I move on.

< Message edited by Tannie -- 6/15/2007 10:29:37 PM >

(in reply to frustratinggirl)

Post #: 42

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 10:31:44 PM

MissOchistic

Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EchoingTwilight

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

Reposted:

In this give and take, you should also be very aware about the pattern of who asks first. He shouldn’t always ask for your information first, then provide his... nor should it be the other way around. You may have to make a conscious effort, but mix it up and take turns. The reason for doing this is something known as mirroring that you want to avoid.

Mirroring creates “false” compatibility. It is very easy in the excitement of meeting someone new to unconsciously “mirror” the other persons wants and desires. In wanting to please and form a bond, we can find ourselves suddenly wanting something that we’ve never wanted before, simply because the other person expresses the desire and we want the relationship to develop. Worse yet, we can fool ourselves into twisting our own ideas and experiences to match the other person.

Nooooo I disagree with this. Nothing wrong with sharing and putting your mind into your partners desires. I've met lots of women with kinks and wants far beyond what I'd ever think I'd find acceptable, and just being with them and sharing these desires have expanded my horizons greatly. In fact, every time I really really like a woman I start being curious about her desires, what makes her tick, as applied to myself. But there's not many girls I have grown that close to. But it is in no way a false compatibility.

The only real criteria I have for conversation is how comfortable I am with her. Then there are other criteria for other things, like her company, the sex, her personality, her quirks, etc etc. Maybe not much help but... *shrugs*

And there's nothing wrong with that. But "mirroring" is a bit different. Most people do it subconiously, a few people do it on purpose if they're looking to score.

For instance, if I went camping once with my dad when I was little and had fun. I meet a guy, and we're having a good conversation, and he says he loves to go camping and does it often. Without thinking, a pretty natural response might be, "Oh, I LOVE camping!" This can extend to great lengths if they're nervous or not thinking.

So you mix it up so that someone can't do this on purpose...then it's essentially just lying about where they went to school or what they do to keep your interest.

_____________________________

"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to EchoingTwilight)

Post #: 43

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 10:40:57 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

Meet in a public place; listen to your instincts, they are your internal warning system and are usually right on the money; I prefer and advise safecalls because if things are not going well they are a GREAT 'out' or if things are going well, its a good sign; keep a first meeting short unless you are very comfortable with the other person; don't rush things, this is not a race or a contest; keep to YOUR confort level, just because a top is dominant doesn't mean that they get to 'run the show' on an initial meeting, you are equals. Treat an initial meeting with a Top as you would a vanilla meeting or blind date.

Good luck.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 44

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 10:42:23 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Never get a massage.

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(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 45

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 11:05:00 PM

Alexander48

Posts: 18
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline

MissOchistic's post about "mirroring" was very interesting and educational. I had not heard that term before, but it makes sense that it could happen and it gives me something to think about.
For helping me grow and learn (which is a lifetime process for us all), thank you MissOchistic.

Most of the obvious and good advice has already been given. The best thing I can add to help submissives is to listen to your gut instincts, and take things slow. If he is really genuine and a good Dom, he will be patient. Also, be very wary if he lies, and do not forgive him or forget if he makes up a good excuse for his lie. Honestly is the most important building block of a good D/s relationship. I have met too many subs whose hearts were broken by lies....or worse.

Sincerely,
Alexander
(Profile deactivated while I be patient *smiles* )

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 46

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 11:11:38 PM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

Meeting people in the BDSM lifestyle is not different than meeting anybody else, in fact you have probally aleady met a few BDSMers in your time without realizing it at all... People are still people regardless of what lifestyle they live. You'd swear some believe we are a seperate form of Animal species altogether.

Shove a little vanilla common sense back inside your mind, and you'll regain your sanity. There are too many people assuming/pretending/believing that the BDSM lifestyle involves 24/7 scene play.

(in reply to frustratinggirl)

Post #: 47

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 11:15:20 PM

Alexander48

Posts: 18
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline

Sorry, I see you must click on the person you are speaking of's "reply" button in order to get a proper "in reply to....".
A nice feature of this Forum (now that I know about it) imo.

See above for my post in reply to you, MissOchistic.

Sincerely,
Alexander

< Message edited by Alexander48 -- 6/15/2007 11:21:45 PM >

(in reply to MissOchistic)

Post #: 48

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/15/2007 11:30:05 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Mirroring is a sales technique...Where you put someone at ease by mirroring their actions...If they sit back in the chair...Then you slowly follow suit......I do it all of the time when I meet a sub...even if she is gross ....Cuz all I want to do is fuck her....Gimme a break.

_____________________________

(in reply to Alexander48)

Post #: 49

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 1:18:44 AM

AzSlave4Real

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

This is a great thread ! Never ever meet a new Dom unless you are in public for the first time.. take it from someone who knows ! Been there done that stupid stuff.... learned a BIG lesson when a knife got pulled on me ! Nope.. be safe always !!!!!!!

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 50

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 1:25:39 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

Awww...I love velcro.
It's not usually a good sign if he stirs his coffee with his dick.

It's okay to stir his coffee with his dick, but if he stirs his coffee with his dick and then licks it off, THAT'S rude.

I'd have to do the lickin' if it was Dunkin Donuts french vanilla coffee he was stirring.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 51

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 1:28:27 AM

solitudesmiles

Posts: 807
Joined: 8/19/2006
From: my thoughts
Status: offline

lol

(in reply to MsD)

Post #: 52

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 2:22:49 AM

Phoenxx

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline

Some things I warn people to look out for are: Only can be contacted after hours. As in after his wife or mom have went to bed... They are the person who will teach you the one true way to be or do, well anything. They will not let you talk to any person that knows them in their offline life. You only have one way to contact them. And not by phone. Some things to do: Meet in a public place. Ask for references. Arrange a series of safe calls. Make sure your safe call person knows what time and place you will be going. Leave their contact information with a trusted friend. Park in a well lighted area. Trust your gut. Big no no’s DO NOT get in their car for a quick chat just before leaving. (I know someone that did this… it was nearly a big mistake) Do not let yourself be talked out of your safety system or zone.
Hope tht helps

(in reply to solitudesmiles)

Post #: 53

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 5:05:28 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

I would say wearing leather or latex to the coffee shop might be a bad sign...as well as Haiwain shirts.

And anything above a casual interest in Phil Collin's music is defiently a red flag.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 6/16/2007 5:06:40 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Phoenxx)

Post #: 54

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 6:10:40 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

A few years ago i met a potential Dom in a public place about half way drive for both of us and everything seemed great and we agreed to meet again. He'd asked me offhand what i had planned for the rest of the day and i said i was probably going to do a little shopping since there was a mall near our meeting place that i liked.

About an hour after our meet, i got a phone call from this guy accusing me of being a liar and a fake and cussing me for being such a low creature... i was shopping and just as confused as i could be. Asked him for an explaination he proceeded to tell me he saw my car parked on the outer perimeter of the mall parking lot and that the only reason anyone parks that far away from the mall enterance is that they are meeting someone.... WTF? i was parked as close to the enterance as i could park. Now mind you i was driving that year's most popular model car in the most popular color and i'm sure there were at least 20 or more of my make and color car in that same parking lot. i asked if he'd written down my license plate number and could he confirm the car was mine? No? Why all this drama?

It didn't matter.... obviously he'd gone to the mall to check on me and made wild and inaccurate assumptions. i'm SO glad this happened because he'd seemed like a nice and very reasonable person when we'd met. His crazy jealous outburst told me everything i needed to know and i am SO lucky it ended before it began.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

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(in reply to frustratinggirl)

Post #: 55

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 6:23:21 AM

onmykneesforhim

Posts: 112
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: solitudesmiles

what is sub frenzy?

You ever go to the store and buy a video game or a book or a movie you have been wanting for awhile?

Ever rush home, blow away all your other concerns and responsibilities, fling off the shoes of the door and run straight to your favorite couch, your mind only fixated on enjoying your newly acquired toy?

Thats sub frenzy...when someone first starts off in BDSM and wants to do EVERYTHING right away with no patience and throw away caution, concerns and responsibilities in their rush for experiences.

Amazingly enough...Doms can have a frenzy too.

Except here in BDSM, we treat it like a full blown mental disease, use it as an excuse to take personal responsibility away from the sub and place it on whatever dom they have found, and use it as a justification for slapping on collars of protection on virgin subs so the dom can play with them under the guise of greater virtue.

I finally have a name for what I am going through. Does it ever end???

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 56

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/16/2007 6:30:13 AM

solitudesmiles

Posts: 807
Joined: 8/19/2006
From: my thoughts
Status: offline

yes it ends, hopefully with you not as bad, i lost 6 great friends during it, but about the timw someone busts your ballon is the time it ends or the other way around,

(in reply to onmykneesforhim)

Post #: 57

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/20/2007 11:34:06 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I would think that if you are meeting a Dom and he shows up wearing cheesy shoes that in lieu of laces there is velcro....It might be a sign to get the Hell out of there.

make me laugh - thanks!

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 58

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/20/2007 1:58:52 PM

Alighierisquest

Posts: 58
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline

Thanks. I was always wondered what this meant but whenever I was around knowledgable people it would slip my mind.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 59

RE: New meetings, warning signs in a bad Dominant - 6/20/2007 2:35:48 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Well, there was this one a few years ago who I tried to explain as a newby that I wasnt into casual play. I knew he was wrong for me when he sent me photos. All 10 of them were the face of a different woman with his dick in her mouth. (or so he said)

That was clear enough to me that I wasnt gonna be #11.

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Alighierisquest)

Post #: 60

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