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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:07:03 AM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross 

Actually most swingers and polyamorists are vanilla- only a minority are into kink/bdsm/Ds stuff.
that is more a matter of opinion, I found BDSM because I was a swinger and I heard the term vanilla used by swingers to discribe the monogomous world

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:08:12 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		To me...there is nothing i can get from..."Joe Blow" that i cant get from "my one"...so why would i need or want to... thats the hump i find difficult to get over...like daddysprop said...maybe i'll never get it...but i am hoping i can ...i want to expand my knowledge...and understanding in many of the things we do....there are alot of  smart and caring people here...and i plan on shamelessly picking there brains...LOL....

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:08:53 AM   
MissyRane


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

um alright so you can love one and have sex with them but also have sex with others but despite all that you'll still be monogamous?
The definition of monogamy is:

monogamy /m@"nQg@mi/
· n.
1 the practice of being married to or having a sexual relationship with only one person at a time.
2 Zoology the habit of having only one mate at a time.
– DERIVATIVES monogamist n. monogamous adj. monogamously adv.
– ORIGIN C17: from Fr. monogamie, via eccles. L. from Gk monogamia, from monos ‘single’ + gamos ‘marriage’.

So having read this definition I don't think this can be considered living in a monogamous relationship.


having the word highlighted purple and underlined above in the sentence of yours and the dictionary's definition means it can, as long as you consider marriage to = the OP's loving committed, "forever after" relationship she spoke of...


oooooo right thought I'd read it the way it was possible first but when I read it again I figured out the other way lol so there it was: it's possible danke schöööööööön

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:16:24 AM   
ornjkitty


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent.


Monogamous, no.  Fidelitous, yes -- if part of your agreement with your partner is that you are committed to each other, no matter who else you might sleep with (or what other commitments, emotional or otherwise, you might develop).

quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


For me (and I would suppose for my SO as well), it's about being able to sit back and enjoy your partner's skill without the overwhelming physical sensations that come with being an active participant!  (Such bliss to just sit back with a glass of wine and a scorecard!  LOL  You don't even have to work up a sweat.  And let's face it, I just like to watch. ... And listen. ... etc., etc.)  About learning new skills and techniques ('cause lets face it, everyone is different!).  About practicing skills and techniques that don't necessarily work out well between the two of you (not everything one enjoys doing is necessarily as much fun for one's SO).  But then, the mere thought of mono tends to leave me shaking in terror.  I'm just hardwired for poly.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:16:25 AM   
PONYSEEKER


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

To me...there is nothing i can get from..."Joe Blow" that i cant get from "my one"...so why would i need or want to... thats the hump i find difficult to get over...like daddysprop said...maybe i'll never get it...but i am hoping i can ...i want to expand my knowledge...and understanding in many of the things we do....there are alot of  smart and caring people here...and i plan on shamelessly picking there brains...LOL....



Because sex can allso be fun and you can develope a curiosity... lets say you have a friend you could wonder or be curiouse about having sex with that person just because you are curiouse or because that person is fun to be around and you want to get there energy so to speak.  This type of sex is usually different than the type of sex you have with someone you love... its sort of you have fun doing everything else with that person so  you decide  to use them as a human vibrator for a few hours.  It can be a very very very good vibrator but does not supply the emotional support that is gained from a relationship.  In some cases it can be a vibrator for both of you.  kind of like a form of objectification... cold... but fuzzy in the middle.  You can get a lot out of it though.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:18:36 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
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Status: offline 		I was very much in love with my ex (at the time), yet in the sex department there was a lot lacking.  I had a sex drive, they didn't.  I found I could get pleasure from others while I could still love them.  There wasn't anything more than sex with the men I fucked(to be blunt), that was all it was.  This person knew I was with others, and at the time was okay with it.

I think if you can seperate the two and not get emotionally attached (as long as both agree), there is nothing wrong with going and having sex with others.  I could go out and fuck someone right now, and it would not change in the least how much I love my Master.  Would I want to is the question and the answer is, no.

edited to add:  Being with women is also something I really enjoy.  I do have Masters blessing in doing so if I choose.  I seem to get more emotionally attached to women, so this is a concern of mine.  It would have to be the right person, at the right time.  If I ever thought it would change my love for M, I would never, ever take that risk.  I am finding though that right now in my life, I am pretty happy with our "traditional" union, and don't have the need to add either men, or women to it.

< Message edited by sleazybutterfly -- 6/19/2007 12:12:29 PM >

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:19:27 AM   
julietsierra


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


Ok...these are just my thoughts..nothing right or wrong with them, they're just my thoughts. That's all.

I enjoy watching him. There's something about the flex of his muscles that I don't ever get to see unless I'm watching him with someone else.

There's something about the times that someone is doing something with me while he's doing something with them and we both look at each other, perhaps touch each other during the midst of it all that makes it seem as if the we are connected by something far more than just the sex of it all.

For me, the friendship and the "communion" we share between us and either that other person or that other couple that is something very very special, and the connection, dare I say even devotedness, that we share with one another makes everything we do something wonderful.

I have some limits to what I can and will do. I know this. In many ways, it makes me somehow less... "desireable" to other people because I'm not willing to cross that line. However, with the right people, over time, that line is really not so solid. It has to do with the emotionality I attach to some activities and what I feel for the other people. The closer I feel to those people, the easier and more reasonable it will seem to cross that line. I've come across that recently but as in all things, time will tell. However, my awareness of that line and what it entails for me, has helped me understand how other people can decide NOT to do what we do. I have this feeling that they are experiencing the same feelings I have when contemplating that line.

I can say unequivocally that I genuinely like the people we've done things with. Some of them, we've decided not to see again, and some of them, we have, but in all of our meetings with those people, we've never ever forgotten who we are with - and neither have they.

One of the things I just can't seem to bring myself to do though is to do things with someone else when he isn't there. It just feels .... wrong. In all of our activities, he's my anchor and without him there, I am just at too much of a loss to do anything with anybody. In those situations, it feels more like betrayal than it does an extra activity.

But I started out just like you - thinking what can I get from someone else that I can't get from him? It took time and patience on his part to help me realize that just because we do things with other people didn't mean I was going to lose him. It didn't mean he wanted me less. It didn't mean someone was better than me. It just meant we were fucking someone else.

I also have to tell you that the first time he took me to do anything like this, it was with a friend of his. We spent the afternoon fucking and laughing and playing and teasing each other. The two men kept up a running joke amongst themselves. 

Him: Here, have one of my condoms
His friend: Oh HELL! If I used one of those, the damn thing'd fall off! I need one of the little ones!
Me: You're not so little yourself
Both of them: OHHH really? Ok, you tell us - who's fucking you now?...if you're wrong, ... we'll (laughing sadistically) let you know.

It's really all in how you look at things. I can't say that watching him with another woman the first few times was easy, but he knew that and helped me all the way through - and most of all, I was able to step back enough to know that even though I was scared of "what might be" I was still having fun.


juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 6/19/2007 11:33:17 AM >

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:19:31 AM   
Phin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

and i plan on shamelessly picking there brains...LOL....
I do it too. then there are smartasses like me that give you one line answers to complex questions

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:35:59 AM   
Mercnbeth


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

To me...there is nothing i can get from..."Joe Blow" that i cant get from "my one"...so why would i need or want to...


to this slave, it has to do with pleasing Master, there just might be something Master wants His slave to get from Joe or Josephine Blow...wanting Him to experience all of the pleasure in life His heart would ever desire---to limit that, is offensive to this slave...speaking as His slave AND as His wife.
 
this slave has been working on a Pepsi-Challenge of sorts, because of a heavy discussion held with a pansexual group of fellow smokers but total strangers outside a local groups annual fund-raising Bizarre/Bazaar...the topic?  who gives a better blow-job.....men, or women?  the unofficial and purely theoretical poll at the event leaned towards the guys...(best comment: "there's nothin' like a good skull-fuckin'!")
 
sex is a fun activity, one that brings Him great pleasure.  "Live" porn, where there might or might not be personal participation, is something that He enjoys watching---watching a "scene" at the Lair can be excrutiatingly erotic and sexually charged for this slave, as well, if it pleased Him to have this slave used by another, He would enjoy that pleasure----the BL is, for this slave anyway, whatever she can do to contribute to Master's fun and pleasure in life, IS job#1 and part of her definition of love.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:55:18 AM   
ornjkitty


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

To me...there is nothing i can get from..."Joe Blow" that i cant get from "my one"...so why would i need or want to...


That's assuming that all people are simply interchangeable as sex objects.  Merely on the physical level, there are so many variations (build, sex/gender, even down to the sexy noises people make when they cum), and that's totally discounting the grey matter, which is the most important organ used for sex (though skin is a pretty close second.  Yum!)

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 11:55:28 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I realize this is more of an echo than an original thought, so please bare with Me.
 
The term vanilla is used by both sects.  Swingers use the term for those who remain monogomous, just as those who participate in BDSM use it for those who don't participate.  Just about anything of a more flavorful sexual nature is usually contrasted with the term vanilla.
 
Voyuerism/exhibitionism can also fall into the catagory.  There is something completely erotic about live porn!  You don't just see/hear it, but the reality is, you can also smell it, taste it, and touch it.  At this point in the explanation, you're either intrigued just a bit, or disgusted a little.  That mental picture that might be turning you on just a bit, is one way to understand it.
 
Males, as a group, are very visual creatures.  (Some women, too.)  Why is the porn industry so large?  It's because people want to watch other people have sex.  How many men have watched a flick and wanted to be in the scene?  Another bit of understanding.
 
Often, My husband will utter the phrase, "I love to watch Her work".  He enjoys watching it the same way as anyone else would watching a scene at a BDSM club.  It fascinates him, stimulates him, excites him.  The other part is that, away from a club, all sorts of things that aren't covered in the dungeon rules can be done.
 
But, at the end of the day, I go home with him.  That's the love part.  It has nothing to do with anything other than the commitment We made to each other.  If We ever evole into a poly household, and someone wants to share that with Us, all the better, but that bedrock of foundation or our relationship, would be the cornerstone of Our home.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:06:49 PM   
AquaticSub


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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


Sure. It's pretty common actually. I want to have sex with other people, but not more then I want my relationship with Valyraen.


My desire to have sex with others is about the same as my desire to buy a new pair of shoes. I want to know what those people are like in bed, but I'd rather be faithful Valyraen.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:30:38 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


There are days that I wake up and believe that it is inevitable, with the type of sexual appetite I have, that I will NOT want to remain monogamous forever.  Then other days I look at my relationship and think there's no way I would ever want to kiss, let alone fuck, another man.   I am really open minded about the idea of poly, multiple partners, and enjoying a variety of sexual partners so long as everyone involved is in the know.  I also think I have a solid enough relationship that it wouldn't fall apart if one or both of us wanted to experiment.

But there's something to be said for wiring.  I grew up in a very traditional household. My parents stayed married and kept a harmonious, affectionate relationship for the long haul. My siblings are all in happy marriages with no signs of stopping. Cheating, affairs, or marital meltdowns are not (luckily) in any of our makeup. We were raised with values that included honesty, integrity, devotion, trust, communication and giving; these kind of conservative values are hard to melt away just because I want more from the cookie jar.  The apple does not fall far from the tree.

So I just take it a day at a time and keep an open and honest relationship with my man.  I know one thing for sure - I won't take the plunge to poly lightly and make sure I have really thought it through.  My biggest concern is that I may enjoy it tremendously but feel really disconnected/confused/weird about it later because of my upbringing.  Obtaining simple pleasures for a moment's whim are not worth causing a ripple in the harmony of my primary relationship, especially when I am not sexually unsatisfied.

Akasha


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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:34:43 PM   
gemy


Posts: 107
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		there isn't much more this one can add to that of julietsierra - but she will give her two cents worth ~~

Sir and i are developing a Master/slave relationship.  included in that dynamic, we are both poly, He is an admitted swinger and this girl is just one who likes to play around with lots of different men (and sometimes women)  *grinz ~~ anyway, first, before she even met Sir, she liked to have sex with strangers or with more than one person at a time or several times with a guy she liked a lot ,,,,,, the difference being she has always been able to have sex for sex ,,,, and know it is different then sex that includes affection.  the whole reason behind it, how it feels, everything, is all very different and something this girl very much enjoys.

that being said, in the relationship W/we are building, there are guidelines, rules, agreements, etc., while W/we work on this girl becoming His slave and building the trust needed to be in that type of relationship.  anyway, included therein, we can both have sex with others, with the other one present or not.  several of girl's rules include that she must tell Him, always, and ask permission first if she can but if it's spontaneous, He must be told as soon as reasonably possible afterwards, she MUST use a condom, no anal is allowed, that is reserved for Him, and things such as that.

now, one thing this girl must STRESS to you - in the time Sir and this girl have been together, she has learned a great deal of trust in Him.  she absolutely believes He adores her, she absolutely believes He can have sex with another and it changes nothing of how He feels with her (and part of that comes, girl believes, because she can do it too), she absolutely believes that, when and if things are possible, we will have at least one more slave in the home and be a poly family and that will change nothing of how He feels for girl (again, because girl knows she can do that too).  and she believes in her heart of hearts, that He will not abandon her for another.  what He feels for girl is not swayed by another, He adores girl for herself, just as He will adore another for herself.

omgosh lol - so why did this one write all that??  to help the op understand where this one comes from, and why she believes there are various reasons this one can and is able to have sex with others, be ok with His having sex with others, why is she like this, etc.  (1) she has always enjoyed sex with Men ,,,, she did not have to belong to them; hell, 99% of the time she reallllly did not want them a second time; (2) it has NOTHING to do with whether or not Sir gives her all she needs and/or wants, because He does on many many levels; it is that, we both simply enjoy the taste, feel, touch, newness, sexuality, sensuality, texture, feel, yada yada yada of many folks - but it touches not the heart, THAT takes time, work and energy.

perhaps you never do this - but this one finds it hard to believe you never ever ever see Men here and there and say to yourself "wow, i'd do Him" or "dayum, He's hot" or somthing like that.  so, this girl's question to the op is, if the One you're looking at said yes, why would you not?  is it because your Sir wouldn't like it? it is because of guilt and where does the guilt come from? is it because you couldn't handle your Dom doing it so would not do it yourself?  is it because of embarrassment that that stranger might think you a slut or a whore?  is it because you have been taught it's not right, so you cannot justify doing it?  etc.  if you can get past those questions, at least mentally, and allow yourself to think how nice it might feel to have that hot One's arms around you, or how good a kisser He may be, or does He fuck slow and sweet or hard and fast and hot ,,, perhaps then you could catch a glimpse of why people like sex with others even though they are in a committed relationship.

and for those of you who were driving nuts by this one's typing in third person,
this girl is required to do so, so she does.

gemmie

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:35:05 PM   
Tenchi


Posts: 13
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		You can love someone and want something or someone more sexualy, it seems to me as a conflict of how we are raised with natural impulses. There is a diffrence between love and sex, sometimes its hard to see but its there, men do not love adult film stars but most would love to sleep with one.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:41:17 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


My love personally is not a limited substance that must be dealt out in small quantities if more than one person is loved. In fact, I feel my ablity to love increases when I have more people to love because I get more love in return.

Not me, but for others I'm sure that love does not equal sex at all too.

Of course I also see different types of love in the world.

I don't think I ever wanted a "forever after" love. Sounds a little creepy and unrealistic to me.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:47:15 PM   
HornyToadsMI


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


First, you have to be able to separate love from sex.  Then, you and your "one" have to be able to handle the jealousy that may follow.  Toad and i are turned on by watching each other have sex with someone else.  W/we love to be in the same room.  i am very vocal, and He can tell what is being done to me based on my noises.  You two have to be VERY secure in your relationship to handle sex with others.  W/we have seen too many couples divorce because one is "going along with it".  Communication is the key.   If you are interested further, i am not shy about questions....

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:49:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Actually, as a "sacred whore" myself, I don't have to separate love from sex.  I simply have to seperate relationships from relationships.  I can give love to someone and love them as the person they are being with me while they are fucking me- but not expect that love to be the same as the love I have with my partner I live with.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 12:51:47 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I am really open minded about the idea of poly, multiple partners, and enjoying a variety of sexual partners so long as everyone involved is in the know.  I also think I have a solid enough relationship that it wouldn't fall apart if one or both of us wanted to experiment.

We were raised with values that included honesty, integrity, devotion, trust,communication and giving ; these kind of conservative values are hard to melt away just because I want more from the cookie jar.  The apple does not fall far from the tree.

I know one thing for sure - I won't take the plunge to poly lightly and make sure I have really thought it through.  Obtaining simple pleasures for a moment's whim are not worth causing a ripple in the harmony of my primary relationship, especially when I am not sexually unsatisfied.

Akasha



Forgive the snip of the post.  I just wanted to concentrate on these particular thoughts.
 
Being open minded about the concept of poly, I wonder why it might be thought that the character traits, which I highlighted in red, would not apply.  While I agree with you that poly without these traits wouldn't work, it is exactly these that do make poly work.  The lack of honesty, integrity, devotion, trust, communication, and giving spell disaster for any relationship.  Poly is no exception.  Actually, IMO, they are needed even more to avoid jealousy, distrust, and so many other negative situations that can spring up when these values aren't present.
 
Poly, like BDSM, like bi, like swinging, like etc., etc. isn't for everyone.  Just as with everything else, some want it some don't.  However, I don't think the character traits mentioned exist in just one case, and not the other.


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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 1:05:06 PM   
frustratinggirl


Posts: 29
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		Ive thought and thought and thought and thought and thought about this and I still do not have any clear answers, it seems that most pple are not monogamous sexually, emotionally, but every once in a while you meet people who have lived throughout their lives happily together,  I knew a 92 year old poetess once in my philosophy class , she was with her husband until his death and always glowed with happiness that she had a wonderul monogamous relashionship ever since she was 19, perhaps it was just the times, perhaps we dont know what went on behind the scenes, i dont know, its confusing to me.

I have a feeling though its about seeing  different complexity levels of beauty as you grow through life, things become more richer and more facinating with understanding and knowledge, perhaps to a rare minority of  those who have reached an high level  unerstanding of another human being wholly , leads them to delve into each other beyond their regular instincts and experience a bond that does not really exist naturally . 


(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
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