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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/23/2007 1:00:50 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		*g*  angelic, I think that it is a common misconception that monogamy equals faithful and poly equals unfaithful.  I think that is why the monogamy/poly debates get so heated at times.

You asked a question about my favorite topic, my family.  It was my pleasure to answer them.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/23/2007 2:11:46 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

SirDominic
It works because we believe when you love someone so very much, you want to see them happy.
quote:

It is about two people walking the path of life together. If it helps one grow to take a side path for awhile, we insist we each take those side journeys, knowing that we always come back together on our path again.


I have never quite been able to explain how it works so well with hub and I.
You have said perfectly Thank You

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/23/2007 2:26:52 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		My wife and I faced this same quandry. She married me knowing of my desires, what I was into, and she tried to indulge me now and then. But she could tell that it wasn't really "her", and that the lack of having a BDSM relationship in my life was making me miserable. In our fifth year together, things came to a head. We either had to open ourselves up, giving up the "Ozzie and Harriet" model, or else split up. We had way too many things going right for us outside the bedroom to consider seperating. So as a last ditch effort, we tried opening the relationship.
Viola! Things got so much better!
Sure, it was scary at first. You're always worried that maybe your partner will fall in love with their FWF, but... why would you want out of a relationship with someone who loves you so much that they are willing to give up exclusive rights, just to see you happy? Especially, in all likelyhood, the one you'd be getting into wouldn't grant you that freedom?
After some time, you both begin to realize that neither one of you is out to leave the other permanently. Once you know that betrayal is not imminent, a lot of the worries fade away.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 7:37:29 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Hi octavia,
That is a very fair question, and I knew someone would bring it up. lol. My wife and I have always believed that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Yes, she has always had the same freedom as I to take that side path when it contributed to her growth and happiness. The way we view our lives is like two planets with overlapping orbits. We swing around our separate orbits (no pun intended), each on our own, but always our orbits come back together again.

The same is true for my slave. She is actually encouraged to have male friends. As the M/s relationship is different from the basically vanilla one I share with my wife, the rules are a bit more strict. That said, if she wanted to take a side path of her own, I would not object.

To give myself this discretion, but not allow it to the women in my lives would make me a bit hypocritical, eh?

Mercurial, openness and honesty are the linchpin for this kind of relationship to work. When it is not consensual between all parties, it is cheating plain and simple, and it is wrong.

bipolarber, you are very right. There is always the fear, and not necessarily an irrational one, that one love will eclipse the other. Once one gets the idea that it is possible to love more than one, these fears lessen. My love for my two partners is not the same, and our relationships are not the same. Both have brought special joys to my life and I wouldn't want to lose either.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 8:12:37 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

*g* angelic, I think that it is a common misconception that monogamy equals faithful and poly equals unfaithful. I think that is why the monogamy/poly debates get so heated at times.

You asked a question about my favorite topic, my family. It was my pleasure to answer them.

Knight's Kyra


That has always confused.

How are poly people being unfaithful? Does unfaithful mean you are breaking a faith or an agreement or a contract or an expectation? If you agree to be poly then you are being faithful by being poly.



_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 8:17:09 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		You see i have never viewed poly as being unfaithful, which is why i used the term a monogomous poly relationship.  i did not realize until i looked up the definition of monogomy that it is impossible for a poly relationship to be monogomous, so what is it called when they are faithful to the family?  i am not poly and now you all have my brain working. 

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 8:23:13 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Many use the term poly fidelity or closed poly.  However, even in my relationship we are faithful to the family even though we have an open relationship and can have sex and play with others.  We will only do those things if it does not damage our relationship and if is not something that is hidden or done without each other's knowledge.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 8:27:18 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, i see what you are saying.  That does not mean i necessarily agree with the idea of it (it is my issue), but i absolutely can admire that none of you 'cheat'.  And that each of you show honor to the other. 

i love threads where i learn something~

< Message edited by angelic -- 6/24/2007 8:29:33 AM >

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 8:34:23 AM   
MasterLordguru


Posts: 73
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline 		Love. Affection. Truth and Intergrity. Words that have a certain meaning to so many different people. But think of it carefully. Are you limited in LOVE?  Can you not be affectionate to more than one person? Is being truthful limited to one person? Is having Intergrity to yourself above all, not a valid point? Becuase if you have intergrity, you will be open. You will speak truthfully, no preamble, no false premise. You are TRUE to yourself and in being so, true to others.

My opinion? Monogomy.. a beautiful concept that can exist in limited perspective. It is unnatural in its own design. It is a selfish need. It is a craving of "entitlement".  To be a poly, means to keep your need and wants but to intergrate it with those who are like minded, crave your needs and you theirs.
A true poly relationship needs Love from all involve. It needs care and affection to each other. It depends on the truth of your words, and of your intergrity. We constantly fight against our own inner fires becuase we live in a world that judges us by our intergrity, or rather yet, their own limited persepective of intergrity.

IDIC.. Infinate Diversity in Infinate Combinations. That is how I see my life. And I accept the many that dont agree with me as a component of necessity. I am true to myself. And I am true to my partners. Thats all I ask of any. And to answer the main point.. YES.. you can LOVE one and have many types of relatoinshps with others.. but that love can't be compromised with a lie. You need to speak truth.

M.L.G

_____________________________

IDIC: Infinate Diversity in Infinate Combinations

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” ~~Tao Te Ching

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 11:08:45 AM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		For us, it is true LUST we are exercising.  We are faithful to each other, and if one of us has the itch, we help the other scratch it.  I could not live in a poly situation, that is just me.  I need one Man to come home to, and want Him to have one woman.  I can share Him sexually, but not lovingly (if that makes any sense).  Besides, it gets Him hot when He knows i have been flirting around......lol

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to MasterLordguru)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 11:10:18 AM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Hi octavia,
That is a very fair question, and I knew someone would bring it up. lol. My wife and I have always believed that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Yes, she has always had the same freedom as I to take that side path when it contributed to her growth and happiness. The way we view our lives is like two planets with overlapping orbits. We swing around our separate orbits (no pun intended), each on our own, but always our orbits come back together again.

The same is true for my slave. She is actually encouraged to have male friends. As the M/s relationship is different from the basically vanilla one I share with my wife, the rules are a bit more strict. That said, if she wanted to take a side path of her own, I would not object.

To give myself this discretion, but not allow it to the women in my lives would make me a bit hypocritical, eh?

Mercurial, openness and honesty are the linchpin for this kind of relationship to work. When it is not consensual between all parties, it is cheating plain and simple, and it is wrong.

bipolarber, you are very right. There is always the fear, and not necessarily an irrational one, that one love will eclipse the other. Once one gets the idea that it is possible to love more than one, these fears lessen. My love for my two partners is not the same, and our relationships are not the same. Both have brought special joys to my life and I wouldn't want to lose either.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Sir Dominic,
Thank you for your honest straighfoward answer.   I'm not sure I have the maturity and security to live as you do, but I have nothing but respect and admiration for what you have written here. 
*smiles*
octavia

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/24/2007 11:13:43 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		If it works for you and yours, that's fine, but I wouldn't call the alternative "hypocritical."  D/s relationships are not symmetrical.  If "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" were really the credo, there wouldn't be a D and an s.  There'd be two equals.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

That is a very fair question, and I knew someone would bring it up. lol. My wife and I have always believed that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Yes, she has always had the same freedom as I to take that side path when it contributed to her growth and happiness. The way we view our lives is like two planets with overlapping orbits. We swing around our separate orbits (no pun intended), each on our own, but always our orbits come back together again.

The same is true for my slave. She is actually encouraged to have male friends. As the M/s relationship is different from the basically vanilla one I share with my wife, the rules are a bit more strict. That said, if she wanted to take a side path of her own, I would not object.

To give myself this discretion, but not allow it to the women in my lives would make me a bit hypocritical, eh?

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/25/2007 7:36:05 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I'm not sure I have the maturity and security to live as you do

That's okay, octavia. Just realize that people choose monogamous relationships for many reasons. For some, as you suggest, it is because of fears that if they share, they will be left behind. And as I said before, that is not a completely irrational fear. It does happen.

For others, monogamy is how they choose to live their lives because it is what they want. If that is someone's choice, made from a place of honestly knowing themselves and knowing this is what they want; nothing wrong with that choice. Have to say though, I have seen many couples who claim monogamy is their personal choice, and it is plain as day, it is really their insecurities that are really the driving force behind that choice. No, not everyone is like that, but many are.

That you are self-aware enough to understand why my lifestyle would be uncomfortable for you is the most important thing. If you choose to be monogamous because you know you need the security of that kind of relationship, that is a decision based on knowing yourself, and knowing where your strengths and weaknesses are. That is a very good thing!

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/25/2007 8:03:27 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

If it works for you and yours, that's fine, but I wouldn't call the alternative "hypocritical." D/s relationships are not symmetrical. If "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" were really the credo, there wouldn't be a D and an s. There'd be two equals.


L&M,

Well, actually not.

What I specifically said was "The same is true for my slave. She is actually encouraged to have male friends. As the M/s relationship is different from the basically vanilla one I share with my wife, the rules are a bit more strict. That said, if she wanted to take a side path of her own, I would not object."

As her Master, I do exercise more control. Where my wife is free to do as she pleases, my slave would be required to ask and receive permission. But if she did ask, and I believed the side journey would be good for her, I would not object to it. And I do not have a problem with her having other male friends. She has self-image issues and I want her to realize that other men do find her attractive. One of the first rules I set for her was a change in how she dressed. She used to wear very loose clothing all the time to hide her femininity. She now wears dresses and skirts that show off her figure. Suddenly guys are noticing her (as she has a very lovely figure!).

As far as the "equal" equation, there is a saying (which I am probably mangling somewhat, but you get the idea). Our relationship is "equal in worth, but not in power". Am I being foolish? Perhaps. Or perhaps, I am confident enough in our relationship that I have no fear of another man stealing her away.

Actually, I find that for a lifestyle that is based on freedoms of kinky and sexual desires, I find that most of the couples I meet are more monogamous than "supposedly" good christians. This has always seemed odd to me, personally. Many Dominants have very strict rules on who their submissives may be friends with, even to the absurdly silly ones who state that "my master reads every email sent to me". Does that show confidence? Not to me. It shows either a massive need for total control, or a deep seated fear that the sub might be stolen away. Either way, that does not strike me as someone confident in their relationship.

But I'm digressing here as I think all of this is really for another thread.

Namaste, Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 94
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