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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 1:25:57 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~ No I have not yet read everyone elses responses yet

But I ask regarding the OP...

What do love and sex have to do with each other??

The human species is not neccessarily hardwired for monogamy. Some people are yes but as a species we really aren't.

Loving someone doesn't mean you wont find others sexually attractive

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 1:31:12 PM   
NControlofU


Posts: 204
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I have swung with all sorts, vanilla & kinky.  Don't really know the ratio of one group to the other who are swingers but as far as my swinging neither side seems to have the majority.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phin
You my never understand. the Vanilla world does not understand this one.


Actually most swingers and polyamorists are vanilla- only a minority are into kink/bdsm/Ds stuff.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 1:31:50 PM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline 		i think i'm somewhat odd in that while i'm naturally very sexually polygamous, i'm not at all polyamorous. i would be absolutely miserable in a polyamorous relationship because for me love romantic love cannot be divided, it is all or nothing, so i would feel very undesired and unloved in such a situation. with the men who use me sexually, it must be completely devoid of any emotional attachment...not even friendship...because it ruins everything for me, makes everything feel unnatural and odd.

there was a very rough situation for me last summer where a Dominant who i had previously considered to be a friend, met my Master and i in person for the first time and during the course of the evening ended up using me sexually. most would likely think "oh fun! play with a friend!"...but for me it was emotionally devastating. i was angry with my Master for provoking the situation, and hurt with my friend for desiring me in such a way. to me, the fact that he obviously had held some desire for me as a sexual object completely negated the friendship. i realize it's not entirely logical, but for many years (until i met my Master actually) i viewed sex as the antithesis of love and caring, and automatically felt that anyone who truly cared for me would not wish to use me sexually. so the friendship ended over my discomfort over the whole thing.

my Master is the only person with which these things can comfortably blend: sex and caring. outside of him the lines are strictly divided: those who care for me, and those who view me as an object of sexual desire and use. this is one reason why i'm so uncomfortable in the swinging scene...most of them prefer to be friends, or at least friendly, with the people they screw, and that doesn't sit well with me.

(in reply to frustratinggirl)
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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 1:36:30 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PONYSEEKER

quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

To me...there is nothing i can get from..."Joe Blow" that i cant get from "my one"...so why would i need or want to... thats the hump i find difficult to get over...like daddysprop said...maybe i'll never get it...but i am hoping i can ...i want to expand my knowledge...and understanding in many of the things we do....there are alot of  smart and caring people here...and i plan on shamelessly picking there brains...LOL....



Because sex can allso be fun and you can develope a curiosity... lets say you have a friend you could wonder or be curiouse about having sex with that person just because you are curiouse or because that person is fun to be around and you want to get there energy so to speak.  This type of sex is usually different than the type of sex you have with someone you love... its sort of you have fun doing everything else with that person so  you decide  to use them as a human vibrator for a few hours.  It can be a very very very good vibrator but does not supply the emotional support that is gained from a relationship.  In some cases it can be a vibrator for both of you.  kind of like a form of objectification... cold... but fuzzy in the middle.  You can get a lot out of it though.

This is what scares me....


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**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 2:09:21 PM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Why does that scare you?

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 2:13:40 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
Yes, it happens all the time.  Are your really that naive and innocent that you've never heard of such a thing?  When i was married, (to the love of my life, btw), we had sex with others, via 3-somes & 4-somes quite often. There was the love he and i had for each other and then there was the love that we had for sex and that included sex with others. It used to be called "swinging" back then, it might be called something else now. Of course, there are other ways to have nonmonogamous sex, that's just one example.
____________
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

"..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
-- F. Nietzsche
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 2:16:35 PM   
Shantra


Posts: 41
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline 		beth, once again you put into words so well where I strive to be in slavery, I am privileged to know you and your Master both.

daddysprop, you also put so well something I have also felt.  If it were down to me I would be much happier if Master would just have me used when it pleases him and absolutely NO emotional attachment including friendship, ditto goes for any women that he wants.. no complications.  I once said this to a long time ago and he expressed surprise and it is not the way he wants it.. and it will be the way that he wants it. 

For me sex is about exitement, new adventure, physical sensations and is totally seperate from the feelings I have for him.. my God.. they could never even come close to touching the way I love him!  For me it is the chance to be the whore I am inside and step away from the conventional English lady I was raised to be and be it with someone who can appreciate her and protect her from herself.. LOL. 

To Master being with others.. this is where daddysprop and I are kind of one on it.. I too would be utterly MISERABLE in polyamory and it is a total deal breaking hard limit.. wish I could remove them all but it is right up there with all of Masters hard limits for me.. I can be happy to see Master happy, I can revel in Masters pleasure and put it before my own.. I have worked hard to desensitise myself to what has been a difficult area for me for personal reasons.. but what I could not stand is to either know another is higher in Masters affections or lusts than I am or to live with another under our roof.  Our privacy has always been and is a huge issue with me, there is no replacement for those quiet, intimate, private times shared together, for being able to close Masters front door and shut the whole damned world out if we please. 

My Father used to say '2 women in the kitchen do not work' and he was a fine Dominant.  My Master says 'man (or woman) cannot serve 2 Masters for they will come to love one and despise the other'.

So there, for what it is worth is how I feel.  Maybe that is it imthatache.. it might be as hard for you to grasp those of us that can do this as I find it impossible to grasp how anyone can enjoy living in polyamory.  Each to their own.

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 2:42:12 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy


Yes, it happens all the time.  Are your really that naive and innocent that you've never heard of such a thing?  When i was married, (to the love of my life, btw), we had sex with others, via 3-somes & 4-somes quite often. There was the love he and i had for each other and then there was the love that we had for sex and that included sex with others. It used to be called "swinging" back then, it might be called something else now. Of course, there are other ways to have nonmonogamous sex, that's just one example.
____________
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

"..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
-- F. Nietzsche
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


Yes ma'am...i have heard of it...i was hoping to understand it...there have been things i have learned from here..for instance i have changed my opinion of  Daddy/daughter relationships thanks to the boards..and people caring enough to share there thoughts.


_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 3:00:21 PM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


Greetings imthatacehyouhave...
 
For me, love is an emotional bond wrapped by experiences together....
 
For me, sex is purely a physical activity ....Some women use it as a bond between a mate, but it has never clicked for me in that sense.
 
Just as in any activity as a slave I would not have sex with another without my Master's permission or consent...but with His blessing it would be no more than enjoying a game of tennis or the true turn-on, if he shared me, would be in pleasing Him.
 
This is an elementary view...but pretty simple for me to distinguish between love and sex. 
 
In short, my sexuality is not attached to my heart, but definitely attached to the respect of my Master.
 
Always,
~curious~


_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 3:10:14 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Honestly, I am not sure anyone can explain it to you so that you do understand.  I say that coming from the perspective that sex = love.  Sex and love is very intertwined with me, so much so that if I do not have strong emotional ties to a person I do not get physically/mentally aroused.  That is how I developed because of my upbringing and societal expectations.  (I have the same issues with play because it is very sexual for me)

I can't understand it; it doesn't matter how many times my Lord and Alandra explain it to me, I just don't get it.  What I can do is accept that for them the two are not intertwined.  Sex does not equate to love for either of them and play is not always sexual for them either. 

I have found it somewhat easier when I equate it to a hobby that they enjoy.  Sometimes they want to do this hobby with one person and not another.  Sometimes... many times they want to do this hobby with me. 

This is one of the big issues that I struggle with in our relationship.  In over two years, I still don't understand it and with other challenges that we face it isn't an issue that he is ready to push.  We will resolve it when it is time, but we keep working at it and little by little the things they say to me start to sink in. 

The more security I gain in this relationship the easier it is to grasp the things he is telling me, but it has been an extremely painful journey.  Many tears have been shed in trying to rid myself of the things that I have learned over the years that do not fit with where I am going in my life. 

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 3:19:18 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

To me...there is nothing i can get from..."Joe Blow" that i cant get from "my one"...so why would i need or want to... thats the hump i find difficult to get over...like daddysprop said...maybe i'll never get it...but i am hoping i can ...i want to expand my knowledge...and understanding in many of the things we do....there are alot of  smart and caring people here...and i plan on shamelessly picking there brains...LOL....


One of the things that Alandra get out of having sex with other men (or my interpretation of what she gets out of it) is the sense of control and power with men other than our Lord.  With our Lord, he controls sex.  He controls our pleasure, the acts we will or will not do, the acts that he will or will not do.  It is sex the way he wants to have sex. 

When she has sex with others, she can have sex the way she wants to have sex.  She can control what happens and through her responses to them she can get them to do what she wants them to do.  It is a different perspective than having sex with him.

I am sure that she will correct me if I have stated something wrong or add to it if I missed something....

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 3:25:41 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


You bet it's possible. And not only is it possible to love one and want to have sex with others, but you can love more than one.
 
Just because I love woman #1, doesn't make me incapble of loving another.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 3:26:34 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Honestly, I am not sure anyone can explain it to you so that you do understand.  I say that coming from the perspective that sex = love.  Sex and love is very intertwined with me, so much so that if I do not have strong emotional ties to a person I do not get physically/mentally aroused.  That is how I developed because of my upbringing and societal expectations.  (I have the same issues with play because it is very sexual for me)

I can't understand it; it doesn't matter how many times my Lord and Alandra explain it to me, I just don't get it.  What I can do is accept that for them the two are not intertwined.  Sex does not equate to love for either of them and play is not always sexual for them either. 

I have found it somewhat easier when I equate it to a hobby that they enjoy.  Sometimes they want to do this hobby with one person and not another.  Sometimes... many times they want to do this hobby with me. 

This is one of the big issues that I struggle with in our relationship.  In over two years, I still don't understand it and with other challenges that we face it isn't an issue that he is ready to push.  We will resolve it when it is time, but we keep working at it and little by little the things they say to me start to sink in. 

The more security I gain in this relationship the easier it is to grasp the things he is telling me, but it has been an extremely painful journey.  Many tears have been shed in trying to rid myself of the things that I have learned over the years that do not fit with where I am going in my life. 

Knight's Kyra

Wow...i think you and i are kindred spirits....it is my hope that i can develop like you have....my mind and heart are open so i'm hoping. Thanks for sharing this...

_____________________________

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**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 3:33:44 PM   
SlND3R3LLA


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		This slave would agree with Level.  It is very possible to not only have sex with more than one person, but to love more than one person at a time.  You can't always control the heart falling for someone else, even if you fight it.  Although it is hard, one can learn to understand how two can have sex without loving each other.  This slave didn't use to think it was possible, but now she has done it quite a bit in her life.  It isn't as fulfilling in some ways, but in others it is even more fulfilling.  This slave believes it is probably just hard when you find yourself loving someone, to believe they can share their body in the same way with someone they feel nothing for.  It feels like it should be something more sacred because it's something that you both share.

That probably didn't all come out right, but hopefully it is understood just the same.  ~sin

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 3:35:27 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

This slave believes it is probably just hard when you find yourself loving someone, to believe they can share their body in the same way with someone they feel nothing for. It feels like it should be something more sacred because it's something that you both share.

BINGO!!....


_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 4:07:24 PM   
m0rgan


Posts: 403
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		yes! i can also play cards with different packs, and chess with different sets of chess pieces. if i played tennis, i could happily play with more than one opponent all the time, and i would enjoy playing tennis in different ways with different degrees of enjoyment!

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download this, the girls voice will make you damp--->

http://www.saab.com/main/GLOBAL/en/download_release_me.shtml


a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou,
beside me, in the wilderness, were paradise enough!

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 4:49:21 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Having been down the route that you're looking down, for us, it went like this. Love is not sex and sex is not love, as several people have said. So why did we feel so threatened by the idea of having sex with others? Well, that came down to issues around security. Neither of us is very secure when it comes to personal relationships, for a lot of reasons (childhood stuff; personal betrayals; all the usual human drama) so that was where we needed to begin. We separated out the fact that we are faithful to our marriage from the physical thing (they are closely linked culturally because of the need to know who the father is for the purposes of inheritance) and gave each other permission to talk about all the pathetic, childish, shaming insecurites it was so hard to voice because they seem so petty and ridiculous. We gave ourselves safewords.We worked very slowly, one step at a time, with limits set very close - at first, just petting; then oral; finally going to the intercourse stage. It took us nearly 5 years to get there. But now we have, our marriage is more solid than ever. We read a book called "Open Marriage" that really helped. It's old and out of print but still around. It helped us to understand where all our conditioned patterns had come from. The BDSM context also helped, because we have a lot of control. Why do it? Well, apart from the fact it's a live interactive porn show in your oen home (!) it's made us both feel much more whole and together and strong in our relationship. Does that make any sense to you?
:))
LH

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RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 5:17:04 PM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this....


I'm assuming you mean completely detached, unemotional sex?

In that case, I don't see how having sex with them is any different than a really, really good dildo.


_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 5:31:53 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: m0rgan

yes! i can also play cards with different packs, and chess with different sets of chess pieces. if i played tennis, i could happily play with more than one opponent all the time, and i would enjoy playing tennis in different ways with different degrees of enjoyment!

see,....ok in my wildest dreams i could never have equated sex with my partner to any of the above...perhaps thats where my base problem in understanding this comes from. Of course theres absolutely nothing wrong with that view at all, its just not anything that ever occured to me...


_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to m0rgan)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Loving one but having relations with others - 6/19/2007 5:37:44 PM   
alandraofMists


Posts: 187
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

To me...there is nothing i can get from..."Joe Blow" that i cant get from "my one"...so why would i need or want to... thats the hump i find difficult to get over...like daddysprop said...maybe i'll never get it...but i am hoping i can ...i want to expand my knowledge...and understanding in many of the things we do....there are alot of  smart and caring people here...and i plan on shamelessly picking there brains...LOL....


One of the things that Alandra get out of having sex with other men (or my interpretation of what she gets out of it) is the sense of control and power with men other than our Lord.  With our Lord, he controls sex.  He controls our pleasure, the acts we will or will not do, the acts that he will or will not do.  It is sex the way he wants to have sex. 

When she has sex with others, she can have sex the way she wants to have sex.  She can control what happens and through her responses to them she can get them to do what she wants them to do.  It is a different perspective than having sex with him.

I am sure that she will correct me if I have stated something wrong or add to it if I missed something....

Knight's Kyra


Kyra has worded what i feel alot better than i would... the only thing that i wish to add is that for me i also get that feeling of control and power from others in BDSM play as well as sex... the times i have played with another Top... be it female or male i feel that i can and do direct the play.

It really comes down to when i have sex and/or Bdsm play with others i view and feel like i have new toys to play with for my pleasure and  His.

Knight's Alandra

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 60
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