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Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 7:54:10 PM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

The other safeword thread reminded me of a problem I have with safewords.

I've never used one while scening - because I never remember them.

In fact, after one really intense scene I was thinking - "You know, I really need some kind of signal in case I just can't take any more. Maybe a special word..... oh yes, that already exists, it's called a safeword.... and I DO have one... and I can remember what it is..."

Yes folks, I forgot not just the safeword but the entire CONCEPT of safewords, then reinvented them.

I've always had a safeword, it makes me feel secure. I just never use the darn thing because I don't ever remember it once the action starts. Thank goodness I've always had great people looking after me who monitored my state better than I do myself (That's their JOB. My job is to wiggle, squeal and hit subspace, then make happy noises.)

Does anyone else find that, once the scene starts, they lose most major brain functions?

Post #: 1

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:02:16 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Hi Becca,

Once he begins using me, my focus is on him, on his energy, on absorbing it all. I do not have a safeword. We had a lot of conversation about that, prior to ever meeting, actually. The very first time I presented myself to him (was just talking about this today, actually *grin*), I was eager, excited, nervous, etc...The moment he did one little thing that barely began to feel overwhelming to me, I guess my gasp changed because in a heartbeat, he stopped and moved to something else. From that moment, I knew how closely he paid attention to every quiver...every breath.

Here's a repost about something that happened along the way, which demonstrates how communication occurred between us in a time of physical stress:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No safeword here. Once I thought my ankle was about to break and I shrieked "ANKLE!!!" because really the only thing going on in my head at that very second was ANKLE!!! and he pulled back so that my ankle didn't break after all and we kept going.

It's not a safe word though. He could have chosen to break my ankle if he wanted to, and then I'd be in a cast for awhile.

Typically the change in my cries/moans/yelps clue him in pretty good if something is wrong - gag or no gag. It's rare such a thing happens, but 100% of the time it has happened, he adjusted immediately. So far nothing has ever occurred which actually stopped our activity.

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 2

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:06:16 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Yes, it's pretty common to lose major brain functions the deeper you go into space ... which is why, as I said in the other thread, while a safeword can be handy ... it can't be totally relied upon or be the only source of information for the Dominant. Apparently, some subs are more likely to remember a safe gesture than a safe word ... probably depends on their preferred learning style. A kinaesthetic (hands-on) or maybe even a visual learner would probably run with the gesture, whereas an auditory (verbal, words) learner is good with the safe word. Give it a try!

Maam Jay

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 3

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:12:33 PM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

This is common for deeper states of surrender and subspace. A competent master will devise non-verbal means of indicating an over-limit condition. For example, requiring you to hold something, and discontinuing when you drop it. Or, if you are a squeezer, something that indicates under pressure, like a switch. Yes, language is an indirect form of symbolic communication.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 4

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:18:24 PM

goodgirl85

Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

If I am in happy noise mood I do tend to forget things... However, once that edge has been reached where I am uncomfortable I usually come back pretty quickly. My former Dom has a "generic" safeword he used... I however didnt want something he used with other girls... (I was in love, foolishly and stupidly in love) So i came up with monkeys. Dont know where it came from just came out. He sometimes had a "no safe out, no tap out" when it came to choking because I wasn't letting myself get to where we wanted me to be.

I played once with a guy who only listened to the word Stop..... no, dont, please, knock it off... were all just teases.

With my current dom, after we established our safeword -which is "Bob the Bunny" who is my premanent sleeping buddy since I was like 5. Key logic there is that "bob the bunny" while not physically there will bring me back that safe feeling easy and quick if things get to much for me. But I haven't used the safeword, nor have we discussed it since, other than in passing.

I have thought to myself, during scenes, about safewording out. Yes I am submissive, but I find something.... thrilling... about the power to stop a scene in mid thrust, mid spank, mid word by saying one simple phrase. In other scenes though, I have thought afterwards if I would have been able to safeword out if need be.

But you are right... while we should try to pay attention to our bodies responses and mind functions... its a bit hard to do when your body is being tortured and teased and used and maniplulated. Dom's should be able to read their sub's body language, and tell if they are incomfortable--in a scene or out.

Just today my Dom and I went on a little fieldtrip, and when I got into his car he asked if everything was alright. I wasn't my usually bouncy seemingly happy person. I just told him that I was tired, which was true. He has heard enough about my fears of my rapidly approaching medical tests. I didn't want to kill the mood. After we completed our mission, He asked if I was uncomfortable when he pulled my hair back and up when going down on him. I asked why and he said he felt me tense up a few times... thought that might be the reason.

We are still getting to know each other really, but it amazes how in tune with my body and feelings and responses he is. How he sometimes gets into my head and tells me what I am thinking or feeling and why I am thinking or feeling it without me really knowing why myself. Not that there is such a thing- but if there a were- a perfect Master would have this skill.

Maybe he should look setting up a class on how to do it.... I bet hed make a pretty penny.

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 5

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:21:32 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

I have never forgotten my safewords, I have 5 of them, all very common sense and they all mean something different; the only time I am incapable of usign them is when I am in subspace, in which case my partner has to be aware and use dicression. I have used safewords before, not a big deal, they are their for my saftey as much as for my partner'. My safewords {below with their meanings} are ones I have used for years and my partners, MJ included have liked them since they are common sence and are easy to remember, RED, YELLOW, GREEN are stoplight colours, and eman the same as what they mean on a stoplight, so they are easy to remember, a no brainer.

People who don't use them are just asking for trouble, even LA, who I know will stick her head in here sometime will say she doesn't use them, yet, on another thread LA and a few other people talked using a 'treauge' (sp?) type system like what they use in the hospital, same freakin thing as safewords, just with numbers.

I will NOT play with anyone who says they don't use safewords, its just plain ignorant and unsafe. I know people say that they trust their parters, yet, trust is part of it, te rest is that you need a gauge on things, to know where your partner is if you are a top-type. Intense to one person may not be to another person, and visa versa; so safewords let you know. Its also common sence. I trust MJ, very much so; will I forgo my safewords, nope. Its just like forgoing protection from STDs or not using your seatbelt; both are unsafe and you are bound to get hurt or worse if you don't use them.

**My safewords**
RED - STOP. ALL action stops.
ORANGE - Personal need. Leg cramp, need to use bathroom, etc.
YELLOW - CAUTION/WARNING. Getting intense, need to slow down and keep an eye on things.
GREEN - GO.
BLACK - MEDICAL ISSUE. Migraine, Asthma {if I can breathe}, etc.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 6

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:31:09 PM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

It's the worry about other issues that keeps me holding onto that safeword - what if I start an asthma attack, or hit my head, pull a muscle, etc - and when you're tied to the cross you learn the hard way that some shoes are NOT comfortable at that angle for long periods of time (bravely, I held out till he changed my position). But I want to be able to concentrate on the right pain at the right time.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 7

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:40:26 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

I like the use of the safe words that slaverosebeauty has. I have the stop light ones for mine. I have never used my safe words so it has been easy to agree to have non-consent play. However, we are rational people who know things can go very wrong. If I get a leg cramp I usually say, "hey my leg hurts" and we fix it. But, if for some reason I can't say those words and can only say, "red" then that is what I will do. I do think having a safe word that is really common to you is the best way to go. Just because I have never said my safe word doesn't meant that I don't practice saying it. Better safe then sorry.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 8

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:44:40 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

Thats why you TALK to your partner about things, what to do in case you start to have an asthma attack, etc. When I play I put on inhaler on the table or next to the bed and another in my purse on top as well as my cell close by just in case and my partner knows what number to hit to call either my mother or my bestfriend if something happens. An attentive partner will also keep an eye on things; MJ is very attentive, I had an asthma attack after we played, and He let me calm down, he brought me some water while my head floated with the rescue inhaler and then held me as my breathing returned to normal.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 9

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 8:55:50 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

I found way back when I was first learning how to use them that they are certainly something most can be trained to use even when in headspace farther than they think they could.

The process is simple although it can be dull and certainly makes scenes tougher to work through.
The process is simply doing check ins forcing them to come back far enough to reply, it can screw up a really good scene but that is the price you may or may not be willing to pay.
When they reply you continue (or don't depending on the response) when they cannot reply you stop action until they come back enough to give a reply.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 10

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 9:04:49 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

(That's their JOB. My job is to wiggle, squeal and hit subspace, then make happy noises.)

Im sorry but I just had a problem with this sentence. Isnt it also the subs job to make sure she is safe as well??? I always thought it was the subs number one job to make sure she was safe. I dont have a safe word but me and Master constently communicate during a scene and he will stop if I say something, I go rather silent during a scene but he asks questions and wont go further untill they are answered. It is hard but Im learning to be able to communicat better while in subspace. As time has gone on he hasnt done it AS often but he still asks some. it is my obligations to let him know where I am at.

Magik's slave

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 7/2/2007 9:06:07 PM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 11

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 9:06:48 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

It's not ignorant, it's not unsafe, the use of them isn't common sense and people who don't use them are not asking for trouble. I have written countless posts on here detailing real life situations where safewords did more harm than good. I am adamantly opposed to the use of prescripted words that are given some kind of magical power that someone is going to rely upon to keep them safe. We all know how to communicate without having to resort to code. Safewords are not a replacement for using common sense and making good decisions in who we play with. If you have not done that there is no word in the dictionary that is going to help you.

Slaverosebeauty, I am going to take this one step farther. I find it highly offensive that a person in your position would have the audacity to come on here and give real life advice like you are some kind of an authority. I know what I mean by that and so do you, so I will leave it at that. As for LA, I am sure that she can answer for herself but I can not believe that you would specifically name her in such a manner to suggest that SHE doesn't know what she is doing.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 12

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 10:20:21 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I expect that my submissives will forget their safewords! So although the official safeword is "Mercy" I also listen to Safeword! No! Stop! and Red! or Orange! I actively elicit the submissive's state by asking "what colour are you?" at intervals when we're trying new things, or if I'm working with someone I don't know well. Green means great! Orange means slow down! Red means I'm close to safewording! And I also tell the submissive that if they call me by my real name instead of my scene name, it will get my attention. I monitor body language as best as I can (the toes are often a give away) but do I expect a sub to remember a safeword? Nope!
The other thing I stress to anyone I play with is that safewords aren't just for physical pain. Emotional pain can wound too, and the hurt may last longer. If I inadvertently touch on an emotional hot spot, I also want to hear about it.
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 13

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 10:22:01 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty
People who don't use them are just asking for trouble, even LA, who I know will stick her head in here sometime will say she doesn't use them, yet, on another thread LA and a few other people talked using a 'treauge' (sp?) type system like what they use in the hospital, same freakin thing as safewords, just with numbers.

I dunno, I'm going on nine years, I think trouble would have found me by now...

It's triage.

And the fact that you don't see the difference between "orange" in your life and "ankle" is your own loss really.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 14

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 10:24:44 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
As for LA, I am sure that she can answer for herself but I can not believe that you would specifically name her in such a manner to suggest that SHE doesn't know what she is doing.

It comes from a prior thread in which SRB explained all her safe words and I talked about how confusing that is and how I just use direct communication or the 1-10 system to get to know where someone is.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 15

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 10:39:40 PM

lilsubl

Posts: 4595
Joined: 2/6/2006
Status: offline

when i bacame an owned slave, i gave up my safewords...i already knew by then, that he is very tuned in to me & my responses...when i played before him, i never used my safeword, because nobody took me anywhere i felt the need for it...one time, Master allowed me to play with a Sadist who he trusted & i wanted to push my envelope as far as pain...he had not only told me to use the Red, Yellow, Green words, but gave me a ball to drop if i couldn't speak & gave me a hand signal to use if i couldn't drop the ball...i used the hand signal twice during that session...if i go into subspace, i lose my ability to speak coherently...when Master checks in with me, he will wait until i say an intelligible word before he will move on, but he rarely stops to check in because he knows me that well now......

_____________________________

Linea, collarded pet of the evil Sir Max & his lovely & equally evil wife

it's no fun unless you're scared

if you can't be brave, be determined & you'll get to the same place

wannabe member of the subbi mafia

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 10:39:47 PM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

It's not ignorant, it's not unsafe, the use of them isn't common sense and people who don't use them are not asking for trouble. I have written countless posts on here detailing real life situations where safewords did more harm than good. I am adamantly opposed to the use of prescripted words that are given some kind of magical power that someone is going to rely upon to keep them safe. We all know how to communicate without having to resort to code. Safewords are not a replacement for using common sense and making good decisions in who we play with. If you have not done that there is no word in the dictionary that is going to help you.

Slaverosebeauty, I am going to take this one step farther. I find it highly offensive that a person in your position would have the audacity to come on here and give real life advice like you are some kind of an authority. I know what I mean by that and so do you, so I will leave it at that. As for LA, I am sure that she can answer for herself but I can not believe that you would specifically name her in such a manner to suggest that SHE doesn't know what she is doing.

Not feeling a lot of 'peace and light' here, but no doubt you have your reasons. Thanks for expressing them so clearly.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 10:43:46 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333
Not feeling a lot of 'peace and light' here, but no doubt you have your reasons. Thanks for expressing them so clearly.

becca, I can assure you that if I didn't have very strong and valid reasons, I would not have wasted my time. I apologize to anyone who may have been offended.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 18

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 10:44:39 PM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty

I have never forgotten my safewords, I have 5 of them, all very common sense and they all mean something different; the only time I am incapable of usign them is when I am in subspace, in which case my partner has to be aware and use dicression. I have used safewords before, not a big deal, they are their for my saftey as much as for my partner'. My safewords {below with their meanings} are ones I have used for years and my partners, MJ included have liked them since they are common sence and are easy to remember, RED, YELLOW, GREEN are stoplight colours, and eman the same as what they mean on a stoplight, so they are easy to remember, a no brainer.

People who don't use them are just asking for trouble, even LA, who I know will stick her head in here sometime will say she doesn't use them, yet, on another thread LA and a few other people talked using a 'treauge' (sp?) type system like what they use in the hospital, same freakin thing as safewords, just with numbers.

I will NOT play with anyone who says they don't use safewords, its just plain ignorant and unsafe. I know people say that they trust their parters, yet, trust is part of it, te rest is that you need a gauge on things, to know where your partner is if you are a top-type. Intense to one person may not be to another person, and visa versa; so safewords let you know. Its also common sence. I trust MJ, very much so; will I forgo my safewords, nope. Its just like forgoing protection from STDs or not using your seatbelt; both are unsafe and you are bound to get hurt or worse if you don't use them.

**My safewords**
RED - STOP. ALL action stops.
ORANGE - Personal need. Leg cramp, need to use bathroom, etc.
YELLOW - CAUTION/WARNING. Getting intense, need to slow down and keep an eye on things.
GREEN - GO.
BLACK - MEDICAL ISSUE. Migraine, Asthma {if I can breathe}, etc.

Maybe it's best if you just talk for you, and let the others do the same. Thanks for the input.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 19

RE: Remembering safewords - 7/2/2007 11:04:16 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

The other safeword thread reminded me of a problem I have with safewords.

I've never used one while scening - because I never remember them.

In fact, after one really intense scene I was thinking - "You know, I really need some kind of signal in case I just can't take any more. Maybe a special word..... oh yes, that already exists, it's called a safeword.... and I DO have one... and I can remember what it is..."

Yes folks, I forgot not just the safeword but the entire CONCEPT of safewords, then reinvented them.

I've always had a safeword, it makes me feel secure. I just never use the darn thing because I don't ever remember it once the action starts. Thank goodness I've always had great people looking after me who monitored my state better than I do myself (That's their JOB. My job is to wiggle, squeal and hit subspace, then make happy noises.)

Does anyone else find that, once the scene starts, they lose most major brain functions?

Eh... if you can't remember your safeword, you could always use the safephrase "I CAN'T REMEMBER THE SAFEWORD! BACK THE FUCK OFF NOW BEFORE I LET MY BURLY FRIENDS BREAK YOUR KNEECAPS!"

Well... at least I think it would be effective...

As for losing major brain functions, I've found that I never need a safeword when I'm off in happy la-la-land because if I'm there things are going pretty well. It's only when I'm not there that I need to make sure I know my safeword.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 20

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