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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 10:36:00 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

With apologies to Archer's good point about the OP; safe-words should come with the same disclaimer as the inflatable toys used in pools; "NOT INTENDED TO BE USED AS A LIFE SAVING DEVICE".

Yep. In agreement with both you and mistoferin here.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 10:52:15 AM

RCdc

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It could be deemed irresponsible for relying on a safety belt only, thinking it is going to keep you safe.
It could be deemed irresponsible for relying on a condom only, thinking it is going to keep you safe.
It could be deemed irresponsible for relying on a safeword only, thinking that it is going to keep you safe.

I personally would not play with someone who relied on a safeword and couldn't assess a situation with their own eyes, ears and touch and didn;t know what to do in an emergancy.

A safe word is about as useful as medikit during a scene if it can't be used, isn't used or used badly. If you rely on a simple word - fine. But really, who is the most stupid and irresponsible one when the only line of communication is a single word and think that a single word saves the day and stops accidents occuring - that to me is just really scarey and sets up a red flag for that person.

My body is a temple - and a 'safeword'

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 11:02:33 AM

Aileen68

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty

the only time I am incapable of usign them is when I am in subspace, in which case my partner has to be aware and use dicression.

quote:

Your 'job' is to stay alive; at least thats what logic says. Even if you choose your partners carefully, things happen that are unexpected. Safewords are like having a knife or a first aid kit when you play, just another tool or level of saftey.

I trust MJ a LOT, after last night's conversation, I trust Him more NOW than I have. My job when I am with MJ, is to convey what is going on during a scene, safewords let Him know what is going on; I have friend who have been married for decades and they STILL use safewords.

Personally, I think it is very irresponsible to NOT use them, or at least have one or 2 avaliable. I live in the real world, where accidents happen and where even the most attentive partner can be so into a scene or playing that something happens.

I guess if you are single, don't have little ones or people who care and want you home safe, then NOT having a safeword is fine [still irresponsible and dangerious as far logic goes], but for those of us who do have little ones and people that want us home safe, safewords are SOP.

Those of you who refuse to have a safeword or who don't use them, think about this, would you drive without your seatbelt or have sex without protection. Safewords are just like a seatbelt or a condom, just another tool or level of protection, they are there justincase. You pray you don't need them, but, to be safe, you use them.

The thing I don't understand is how you seem to put so much emphasis on using your safeword and how important they are when you scene even when you've just admitted that you are unable to use them if you go into subspace. To me it sets a dangerous precedence to focus on the importance of the safeword rather than just talking and noticing body language. Do you actually say orange instead of hey that hurts my knee. Can we change positions? One seems so much more effective and it ain't the safeword.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 11:09:47 AM

Aileen68

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

Leg cramp! Leg cramp! can be a bit of a passion-killer.

Not as much as screaming "Red!" and all play stopping.
The impression that I'm getting, and I'm most likely completely wrong, is that those who rely on and put so much emphasis on safewords aren't talking to their partner all that much throughout the interaction. They seem to be relying on those safe and warning track words only to communicate. Maybe I'm strange in that if I'm with someone I'm communicating verbally and physically with them the entire time. There are rarely any surprises in terms of suddenly finding myself in a situation that is spiraling out of control so fast that that I have to call out a safeword.

Just because I have safewords and my slave has safeword DOES NOT mean we don't communicate.

I can't remember the last time he used one of his safe or slow words. It just isn't necessary the vast majority of time.

When he gets so far into a feeling though and something bad happens that means we should stop, he may not be in a headspace to say "stop" or "bad stuff happening" -- that can feel too much like something a good slave shouldn't do = complain. But we'd drilled enough with "yellow" and "red" for him to know unconsciously that it is just information related to immediate need and is not related at all to his submission or obedience.

I'm not saying this is how it is for anyone else but for us, as a slave, Fox is not allowed to say "no" to anything I want to do and often time "complaining" seems inappropriate (to him -- not to me frankly) so "red" or "yellow" is easier for him.

Being able to use safewords like we do takes time and practice; it is not an easy out.

You don't sit here and say that safewords are all important. You are realistic in incorporating them into effective communication between you and Fox that also involves knowing each others body language, etc. My bewilderment is towards those that rely ONLY on safewords...if you forget your safeword then you're screwed if that's all you've practised. To me, talking and paying attention to physical reactions is using common sense and is more realistic.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 11:21:55 AM

Mercnbeth

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Both of these quotes are yours.
quote:

I will NOT play with anyone who says they don't use safewords, its just plain ignorant and unsafe.
**My safewords**
RED - STOP. ALL action stops.
ORANGE - Personal need. Leg cramp, need to use bathroom, etc.
YELLOW - CAUTION/WARNING. Getting intense, need to slow down and keep an eye on things.
GREEN - GO.
BLACK - MEDICAL ISSUE. Migraine, Asthma {if I can breathe}, etc.

quote:

But really, who is the most stupid and irresponsible one when the only line of communication is a single word and think that a single word saves the day and stops accidents occurring - that to me is just really scarey and sets up a red flag for that person.

I think each of the five words you documented taken independently are single words. You called anyone not using them "plain ignorant and unsafe". Now you call people using a single word as the only line of communication "stupid and irresponsible". Which is it?

Can you reconcile them so I could better understand how you process these, seemingly contradictory positions?

You also say that a person who refused to play with safe-words but instead required time and knowledge regarding their partner should be "red flag" not to be with that person. It implies that meeting someone off the street agrees to play with a safe-word would be more desirable. Good luck with that.

Is "stupid" worse than being "plain ignorant"? Is is worse to be "unsafe" or "irresponsible"? I'd think many would like to know where they stand in your hierarchy of "ignorance" and "irresponsibility".

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 11:33:58 AM

RCdc

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Merc, I'm a bit lost - I know you are responding to srb - but that second quote is mine. I was just trying to say to her that anyone can call anyone else they don't agree with - any negative thing or name - but what it comes down to is personal choice. (It was meant as 'how it feels to be namecalled') If she really wants to use a safeword - that's great for her... and I wouldn't call her all those negative things she called others - but I could if the tables were turned. Name calling is all easy to do - but accepting people do things differently, even if you don't 'get-it' is alot harder and takes a lot more personal time. It is just whether a person is prepared to or see it as time wasted.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 11:59:30 AM

Archer

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Speaking only for myself here but I use and like safewords as one tool.
I also have the plain speaking communication attached to the use of safewords.
ie bottom : Yellow
   Me      : Yes? <stepping closer>
   bottom: I'm having trouble processing the pain at this speed Sir.
   Me: Thank you for the information.

The safeword is just the signal that tells me "OK I need to tell you something"

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 12:26:42 PM

meticulousgirl

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Becca,

i totally get what your saying and i deal with the same thing from time to time. When it's over, when in all honesty it's been to much i wonder why i forgot to use it....probably because i dont like using them and feel like i'm disapointing if i do (it's all in my mind)

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 12:27:02 PM

Mercnbeth

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Darcy,
My sincere apologies. It was the use of italic that confused me. I should have looked closer. Again - SORRY. I have never noted that you've attacked anyone. There was no excuse not to look closer - I understand the confusion I caused.

I will accept the identity of whatever is the worse case between ignorant and stupid.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 12:36:01 PM

IrishMist

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~ fast general reply ~

I used to be one of those that at the first strike of a flogger or cane, I became literally unable to speak..literally...through the years, the person I was with HAD to take the time to understand my reactions through nothing more than the way my body moved, a twitch here or there, a flicker across my face. I HAD to trust that he would stop if he thought things were going in a direction other than what we both wanted.

The times we played with others...it was the same. I HAD to know and trust the person on the other end of the flogger; just as he HAD to understand my body language.

There is no word/safeword that can take the place of good sound judgement in the picking of who you play with or not.

In regards to the original question:

If you are forgetting your safeword...as already said, it simply means that you are totally confident in your partner.

If you are playing casually with others; then yes, I would worry a bit more and look for other ways to communicate with them that things are going bad.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 1:30:37 PM

Blindmage

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we're still new to all of this, but aside frome scenes where.....i think i've heard it called force play....scenes where saying No, Stop, Don't are all part of the act.....aside from thoes scenes (in thoes scenes the safeword is safeword, cause we got way into a scene and i had a cramp, and finally found the words and said "what's the safeword?!") STOP means just that, everything stops...and OW means ease up a little.

I'm alot like some of the other posters i've read, when i go, i loose most thought, so things like Stop snd OW are just about all i can get out.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 1:54:36 PM

mistoferin

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While I don't believe that words like "red" or "popsicles" are an accurate means of communicating, I also don't believe that "OW" and "Stop" are an accurate means of communicating in a scene either.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 2:00:55 PM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

While I don't believe that words like "red" or "popsicles" are an accurate means of communicating, I also don't believe that "OW" and "Stop" are an accurate means of communicating in a scene either.

In my ownership of Fox at least, his "ow" or "stop" has little effect on what I'm going to do. In fact, it may turn me on more to hear him pleading for me to stop or crying uncontrollably. I'm a sadist after all and he is my property.

But if he says "red" or "yellow" then something more significant has happened that I need to know about.

Again this is how we operate after 7 years together.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 2:02:42 PM

MagiksSlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Well gosh, I've very effectively stopped scenes before...and "stop" didn't even come into play. Or red...or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Charming, Erin, charming. I can only assume that you used physical means which I find distasteful in a committed relationship. I'll stick my with safeword for rape scenes and "Valyraen, something is wrong" for non-rape scenes.

YUP this has always been what works for me. Though of course I dont call him Valyraen, I think that would cause some other issues LOL. This is the sort of communication we use in all of our scenes.

Magik's slave

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 2:14:31 PM

MagiksSlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

Leg cramp! Leg cramp! can be a bit of a passion-killer.

Na not really, I have a curculation issue and in sertain bound possistion, mostly ones that have my hands above my head, my hands will fall asleep and become painfull and annoying to the point the scene will have to stop, so all I have to do is to tell Master that my hands are asleep and we quickly rebind me in a different possistion, the scene doesnt end as it would have if I had to stay in that possistion and it doesnt kill the mood, because as soon as my posotion changes my curculation comes back and there is no longer discomfert, pain, or a problem. And we just pick up where we left off.

Magik's slave

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 2:22:47 PM

MagiksSlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333
The sub's job is whatever the Dom says it is.

Your 'job' is to stay alive; at least thats what logic says. Even if you choose your partners carefully, things happen that are unexpected. Safewords are like having a knife or a first aid kit when you play, just another tool or level of saftey.

I trust MJ a LOT, after last night's conversation, I trust Him more NOW than I have. My job when I am with MJ, is to convey what is going on during a scene, safewords let Him know what is going on; I have friend who have been married for decades and they STILL use safewords.

Personally, I think it is very irresponsible to NOT use them, or at least have one or 2 avaliable. I live in the real world, where accidents happen and where even the most attentive partner can be so into a scene or playing that something happens.

I guess if you are single, don't have little ones or people who care and want you home safe, then NOT having a safeword is fine [still irresponsible and dangerious as far logic goes], but for those of us who do have little ones and people that want us home safe, safewords are SOP.

Those of you who refuse to have a safeword or who don't use them, think about this, would you drive without your seatbelt or have sex without protection. Safewords are just like a seatbelt or a condom, just another tool or level of protection, they are there justincase. You pray you don't need them, but, to be safe, you use them.

Honestly rose, I understand what you are getting at, but telling others they are doing it "wrong" when there is no wrong way to do things (as long as all are consenting) doesnt make much sence. I can tell you right now there is one reason not haveing a safe word works so well for me, is because me and Master dont play the game where no means yes, he knows that if Im saying something or asking him to stop that I really mean it, aspecially since I dont usually say anything during a scene at all...

We are however planing on experamenting with this sort of roleplay in the furture, and at that time we will be working out another way for me to express when something is really wrong or when Im just roleplaying.

Even though I trust Master with my life, when things change so much in play, such as when no always ment no but now it doesnt mean no anymore can get confuseing for the Domanent as aposed to when no never ment no to begin with and they had other ways to gauge a scene(since if I ever said anything like stop during a scene he knew I really ment it and now that may not be the case it gets confuseing).

So Im guessing for the first few times we try this we will emply some other way for me to express if something goes wrong.

Magik's slave

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 4:12:55 PM

HornyToadsMI

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Now that i think of it...once i hit subspace.....you are right...i can't think........

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 4:34:23 PM

goodgirl85

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333
The sub's job is whatever the Dom says it is.

Those of you who refuse to have a safeword or who don't use them, think about this, would you drive without your seatbelt or have sex without protection. Safewords are just like a seatbelt or a condom, just another tool or level of protection, they are there justincase. You pray you don't need them, but, to be safe, you use them.

Well, first of all, I don't like seatbelts. I know someone who was seriously injured in a car accident BECAUSE she was wearing her seatbelt. I do wear one when I drive, but when I am passenger I hardly do unless the driver has a strict seatbelt policy.

I have sex without condoms. I can't use condoms.- any type of condoms. I am very sensitive and the use of condoms give me infections. So unless I want to only have sex once a week - or longer I don't use them.

I have a safeword. I have safeworded. I personally think its a good idea to have a safeword. Especially when your a newbie like me and learning limits, and experiencing new things.And especially when doing rape scenes. I have however, in my first few scenes forgot the whole idea of safewords, and said hold on, im not that flexible, or let me move my leg.... and the situation was fixed. and we kept on going.

Once, I forgot my safeword during an intense scene. The scene wasn't working for me, due to other stressful life things that kept popping in my head. I got confused, everytime I closed my eyes, I saw my Dom with another woman. I panicked, and He just thought I was playing my role. Luckily my legs were propped on his shoulders and I pushed him off me with my feet.

There are other ways to stop a scene. Not just safe words.

But that doesn't mean I am going to call people who don't use them ignorant. Everyone has their preferences. I would think the people in this lifestyle would be more open to different things and have a "let live" attitude.

What would you say Slaverosebeauty if a vanilla person came up to you and told you your kinks were ignorant and irressponible and unsafe???? Be real and dont speak for others or generalize... Your way is your way... not my way and maybe not anyone else's way. Doesn't mean its wrong, Doesn't mean its right for anyone else either.

Live and let live.

girl

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 5:24:09 PM

WhiplashSmile

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OK gang, this is going sound ironic here. I've always set up and worked with safewords.   Bitch of it is, they seldom get used.   I just look at them as a safe guard measure that's in place.   Might not be used a lot but they are there just in case. Reading body language, noises, and being able to guage reactions and plain simply verbal feedback.

Clamping nipples.. lots of nice noises from submissive.. until the nipples start to go numb. aahhh.. whimpers slowly subside. Are those sluttly little nipples numb now? Yes Sir! 3-4 songs or 10 minutes later the suckers come off.

hearing Ouccch Thank you Daddy, it hurts Daddy, seeing tears watering up in eyes and looking down at the state of redness below. LOL... Generally, you get to know your submissive limits and amount of aftercare if any to expect afterwards even.    Everybody seems to have different pain tolerence levels, recovery times and whatnot.

I guess my point is this! Safewords are not a bad idea, however they wind up not being used a lot in the end.

I'd rather hear "Ooo OOoo Daddy I have a Cramp in my leg", because it tells me something specific immediatly about what is going on. Still Safewords are a little ticky to for anybody to use with a Ball Gag shoved in their mouth and wrists and ankles are restained.   Body language and knowing your submissives physical responses comes into play again.

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RE: Remembering safewords - 7/3/2007 7:35:43 PM

SweetAndInnocent

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Speaking only for myself here but I use and like safewords as one tool.
I also have the plain speaking communication attached to the use of safewords.
ie bottom : Yellow
Me : Yes? <stepping closer>
bottom: I'm having trouble processing the pain at this speed Sir.
Me: Thank you for the information.

The safeword is just the signal that tells me "OK I need to tell you something"

Archer,
You have just described my relationship and use of safewords to a perfect T. I happen to enjoy the "force play". I often use OUCH! FUCK! and PLEASE STOP SIR! However, there are times that I really need to communicate with him. Something that he is not seeing, even though he is paying close attention to my body. Let's face it, when he's got needles going through my nipples, and I'm about to sneeze, I want him to know that. Glad to see someone else uses them in the same way.

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