Padriag
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Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lk70
I'm relatively new to the BDSM scene and have no experience whatsoever with long term role playing, or a 24/7 type relationship. A lot of what I read seems to discuss punishment or discipline for some infraction but I never read anything about a reward for a job well done, or for that matter just out of love. So let's pick a random example...let's say your sub/slave prepares a really nice dinner for you and friends or business associates. Is there any gratitude or is it just that's what she's expected to do? Any chance of her getting a nice dinner out as thanks? Or maybe some sexual favor she enjoys?
How do manage your relationship with your sub/slaves? Is there only discipline, or is there reward too?
Lots of answers already and before I share anything from "Pad's Big Book of Dominance" I want to comment some on what has already been said. You asked about the use of rewards, when to do so, etc. Take an objective look at the replies, particularly those of submissives in this thread and notice the different reactions. Not every submissive will respond the same way, in fact, you'll find that there are many different personality types. Some submissives function more on internal rewards. By that I mean that they find reward in serving itself and much of the time this is enough for them. Others are more dependant on external rewards, which can range from simple praise (ie the ubiquitous "good girl") to special privileges to tangible physical rewards (ie dinner, bubble baths, etc.). When considering a potential submissive you need to consider both the level of reward they seem to need as well as what you're comfortable providing, and make sure that's a good match. You also mentioned love, and again, what is needed varies. Some not only don't need to be loved, you'll find some actively don't want it. Others both want and need it, and just about every combination between those two poles you can think of. Here again, consider both what the submissive seems to need with what you are comfortable providing and make sure they are a good match.
Okay, from "Pad's Big Book of Dominance" here's how I handle punishment and reward in my own relationships. This is a rough outline of what I find works well for me. Keep in mind the following is what works well for me, but my own personality and the type of submissives I tend to pair up with are part of the equation. You need to consider your own personality when deciding what idea or methods to adopt.
I use both punishment and reward to modify the behavior of submissives I pair up with.
Punishment is used when necessary, I neither seek nor avoid it. When it is necessary is determined entirely by the submissive's behavior, that is I punish when their behavior warrants it, no more and no less. Most of the time this isn't a complicated process, if I observe the submissive doing something they shouldn't be, I apply an appropriate punishment, pretty straight forward.
A word about how I define punishment.
Punishment is a word that many people have a lot of very strong preconceived notions about, most of which are very narrow and limited in scope (for example, one person in this thread said to them punishment was only corporeal punishment). You'll find many also have a lot emotional reactions when it comes to this word. That's unforuntate because punishment can be, and is, much more than that narrow definition. Punishment is simply the application of an aversive stimulus to discourage and eliminate a behavior. An aversive stimulus is anything the submissive reacts to with an escape or evasion behavior... in other words, something they don't want to happen, something they don't enjoy. Because they will seek to avoid the aversive stimulus, they'll also seek to avoid behaviors you pair the punishment with. That is, they'll avoid doing something to avoid being punished for doing it. Punishments don't have to be extreme to be a punishment or to work. Disapproval (ie "bad girl" or "I'm disappointed with you"), lectures, time outs, kneeling in a corner for a limited time, etc. are all potential forms of punishment because they are all potentially forms of aversive stimuli. For some spanking would be a punishment, for others it would not. Personally I don't use spanking for punishment. This is because I tend to pair with masochists who enjoy it as play and I have found in the past there was too much a risk of spanking as a punishment becoming confused with play which had undesirable results, YMMV. I have not found it necessary to resort to more extreme forms of punishment and in my own relationships, except in unusual circumstance, once the relationship is established. Punishments tend to be fairly infrequent once the expected behaviors have been established. During the initial stage of establishing a relationship, especially with inexperienced submissives, I tolerate a higher punishment ratio because they're still learning. However, if this doesn't begin to decline, I will consider ending the relationship because of incompatability. My opinion is that punishment, while a useful tool, should not be frequently necessary in an established relationship. Note that under my definition of punishment, that includes even having to express disapproval. Most of the time, if its a good match, the submissive's behavior should be pleasing. If it isn't, we have a problem that needs to be examined.
Reward is used to encourage desired behaviors on an intermittent variable ratio schedule.
A few may know what that means, but most are probably wondering what in hell an "intermittent, variable ratio, schedule" is, so I should probably explain. The term comes from behavioral psychology and what it means isn't that complicated. First, it means that when a desired behavior occurs, it is only sometimes rewarded, that's the intermittent part. Second, the frequency of reward is not fixed, that's the variable ratio part. Put together it means that when a slave does what is expected, she won't always be rewarded. She might be told "good girl" only 1 time in 3 today, and 1 time in 5 tomorrow. Although the ratio is variable, how much you vary it needs to be in accordance with the personality of the submissive you are dealing with, as I stated previously, some will need more than others so keep that in mind (personally, I generally look for submissives with a higher degree of internal reward). While such a schedule of rewards does encourage behavior, it prevents an expectation of reward from developing. That is the slave learns to appreciate reward when it is given, but not to expect it for service... it remains an encouraging bonus.
Like punishment, rewards can cover a broad range of possibilities. It can run from the simple and oft used "good girl" to something extravagant and extraordinary. Also like punishment, the reward should be kept appropriate. In most cases a simple form of reward should be enough. Larger rewards should be reserved for occasions when the slave has done something significant, such as far exceeding your expectations, or succeeding at something new and difficult for the first time. Overall the use of reward should be at a much higher ratio to the use of punishment, for example 50:1... that is for every one time a slave needs to be punished (refer back to my above definition of punishment) there should be fifty occasions where they are rewarded (also note the range of my definition of reward). Note, that ratio is an example only, to illustrate the point that occasions for reward should be occuring far more frequently than occasions for punishment in an established relationship.
As I said above, I tolerate a higher ratio of punishment when establishing a new relationship, particularly with inexperienced submissives. However, I also find that during that stage it is important to emphasize rewards more, either by using them more frequently or giving a "stronger" reward. Just keep in mind you need to fade this down to a more workable level as the relationship progresses. The reasoning here is that, particularly for an inexperienced submissive, the process of learning to serve someone new can be traumatic which can result in depression, frustration and feeling overwhelmed. The temporarily increased levels of reward can help balance this. As they settle into their role as your slave, you reduce the rewards down to your "nominal" level (which is whatever you are comfortable with).
To recap...
Punish only when necessary
Punishment doesn't need to be extreme to work, subtle can be just as effective
Be aware of what are effective forms of punishment, this varies by individual
Never punish in anger
Reward only behavior you want to encourage
Be aware of what rewards are effective and use those which are appropriate to the circumstance
Its best not to reward everything, doing so would create an expectation of reward which is undesirable
Reserve big rewards for big events
Stay flexible, alter your methods as circumstances change so that your methods remain effective.
_____________________________
Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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RE: Punishment vs reward? - 
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Good post, Padriag.
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