RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom....

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (Full Version)

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bettamorphasis -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 9:52:22 AM)
GhitaAmati ... i am happy to read your direct reply to me.... i relate to your devotion..and your potentially "sacrificing" what you enjoy.. for what ultimately is a "greater love" .That would be an act of selfless submissiveness in its own right.Having said that.. i think you are a beautiful person... and hope it works out in a balanced and healthy way ..and that you may find fulfilment on all levels and experience everything you need.. with the person you obviously transcend matters of the body with.. all the best ..jade aka bettamorphasis

MistressDolly -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 10:05:41 AM)
Excluding those who assume dominant roles for their careers and top service dominants, etc... I think it could be easy to mirror the external characteristics of an alpha individual, but, if dominance is not one's authentic nature and they continuously feel they have to "put it on", sooner than later it will become patent the inner proclivity for domination isn't really there.

witchywoman313 -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 11:35:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sierraflowr quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross How long have you actively been into it? Think of it as your service to him- to help teach him to be a better dom. Suffer some of your happy headspace so that in YEARS to come you'll go places together you never dreamed of. Ok, i'll ask in the reverse here. my hubby is a sub, as am i basically, but in the past couple years i've enjoyed topping him. i can be quite sadistic in our play and am getting into THAT more and more LOL. but i am having difficulty in becoming more Domme as in the authority part of it. can THAT be taught or learned? what do you think. I had a relationship like this. . . Had beeing the operative word. I consider myself a switch but I prefer overall to be sub or bottom. He wanted me to be his Domme but only in the bedroom or at playtime. Although he was mainly socialy a submissive he had the 2end hugest streak of passive agressiveness I ever ran across. Ive found that I can and did learn How to be Assertive and How to be dominating. I did eventualy find out that altough society often says your supposed to love the one that wants to put you on a pedastool and worship you. I cant deal with the passive agressive attitueds that a lot of male submissives dish out. Its not OK for My man submissive switch or otherwise to tell me they are a loser, or tell me that they will kill themselves if I ever leave them. Or to say If you loved me you wouldnt want to do such and such. I never figured out how to break a subbie boy of that behavior. Further I found that a very angry submissive male can become the most violent and abusive when they (snap), unlike naturaly Dominant Males they often (this is a huge generalization) never compleatly learn how to deal with their anger. Maybe the fault ultimatly lies with me not having the patience or dedication to train them. I still enjoy Toping now and then and would take on a sub or slave boy part time who was already broken of this behaviour. Ive toped and been in the Alpha Dominate position with females as well, although girls can also dish out the passive agressive behaviour now and then either I dont mind it so much in the girls or have better instincts into when a woman is beeing manipulative and can deal with it better, or it could be that the relationships arent as close ( I dont really tend to fall In love with my girls) Anyway, the head rush and intence focus that comes from toping is something I realy enjoy, but socialy I tend to let others take the reigns if theres someone I feel trustworth enough to do it. Im happily Married to my Dom now and hope that never changes but If something were to happen to my Master I just dont know if Id ever be willing to get into a primary relationship with another submissive. My feelings are been there done that, It didnt work for me. That beeing said its likely to use the earlier refernce that I fall just slightly on the submissive side of the scale, even though I considermyself a switch overall. Just like I enjoy toping I enjoy the payfull company of girls now and then, although some would call me Bi and in come contexts I am Bi. I only ever fall in love with guys. So by that definition I am Straight. Now if you had asked me the same questions 5 or 10 years ago I wouldnt have been able to give such a comprehensive answer. I'm now almost 30. My advise is take your time cherish the exploration of yourself and your relationship. Maybe your a bit more to the right on the sub/Dom scale then I am. But if after youve put as much effort into learning to be Domme as you can, if your not Happy more often then not, it might be time to give something else a try. If you learn that your both most comfortable beeing submissive you could try a poly household, see if you can get the cravings to be Dominated elsewhere and still be together, Or it may be time to seperate. Keep trying diffent things untill something works or the relationship is no longer viable. Talk about it with him.Talk some more and keep Talking. If theres comunication theres always hope. Please take my advise and opinions with a grain of salt as it stems from some poingiant personal experiences, take what you think will help you and disregard any bitterness that might have snuck in. Best wishes for You and yours Witchywoman313

masterdstar -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 12:05:16 PM)
Could not agree more. That’s the nail head; “IMO orientation is innate. Expression of orientation is learned.” The difference between thinking vanilla and not. Just as the difference between kinky sex and Domination. Between Authorianism and control. After all One is born a Man but can actually be trained to become a liberal… : - ) Enjoy your wonder-filled day quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross IMO orientation is innate Expression of orientation is learned There's also a large difference between getting into kinky intense play and getting into authority dynamics. I know some great masters out there who never have and never will get into kinky play- it's just not what they are into.

AdventurousLife -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 2:52:07 PM)
One cannot say that orientation is innate, at least for everybody. People can describe their experience but projecting that on to everyone is the primary mistake that seems to happen in these discussions. I was a heterosexual- only had fantasies about women, only was attracted to women, until one day I wasn't-- I found myself attracted to men as well. After a period of adjustment (mostly dealign with societal bullshit about the idea that you're either straight or gay) I accepted that I was bisexual. My orientation changed. This is also true with various kinks... over time, my interest in them changed and some became fetishes. I hated brocolli when I was a kid, now I like it. Some people say this is dismissive- that these are preferences and "Domination is an orientation, not a taste!" .... but I don't think so. GhitaAmati - what's really important is this-- there is absolutely nothing stopping your partner from being the perfect dom, and totally getting off on it.... only time, acclimation, communication and training are between you and that state. Obviously he's interested in it, and with exposure, thought, and time processing the expeeriences, control will become a sexually arousing thing for him, even if it isn't now. (And in fact, this is how straight women become "bi curious" and then "bisexual"-- their husbands provide an incentive if they have an open mind they start to eroticize women and eventually become attracted to them. It also works for guys.... you too could be attracted to Brad Pitts butt if you wanted to.)

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 3:53:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover quote: ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain One flaw I saw in this thread was the constant equating of leadership to dominance in our D/s sense. There are a couple of dominant posters on the boards who have commented in the past that they don’t like to lead in work groups and other situations. They seem to be very competent doms who wow the subs easily enough in real life. I remember one writing that he felt pressured leading in any situation and avoided it at all costs. Matter of fact, it appeared he had a low keyed, lower paying job where he felt very happy. I have no doubt that he is a great Dom who enjoys being a Master for at least one submissive masochist who posts here a lot. I have seen too many reversal of jobs and D/s roles not to think a submissive can’t be a great leader and a dominant a great follower. What happens between two people in a D/s sense has so many dynamics. It may be something as simple as one person desires the other so much that they will do anything the person wants. If they both find excitement, it seems to me they are on the way to a pretty good D/s relationship. I agree completely that there's no correlation between the dynamics one engages in conensually for their personal relationships and the dynamics one engages in at the workplace (or within any other group). It is, as you say, a false premise. But one that people (including myself in this instance) often fall prey to. John John, I assure you that I agree with your posts much more than I disagree...not that this thread is a serious disagreement.

Sinergy -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 7:31:57 PM)
I have worked and been involved in groups running the show my entire adult life. I have generally disliked it, but I have grown to accept that it is simply the way it is. However, I am aware of the behaviors I do which end up putting me in charge of, for example, any boss I have ever worked for. I have them do things for me. I ask nicely. I am polite. I am firm. I will ask them to throw that piece of paper away in the trash can next to me. Not because I want them to throw it away, I can do that myself. It is part of my evil scheme. I dont know why I have this evil scheme, but it seems to work for me. Eventually, I have bosses asking me what I think needs to be done. I tell them. Or I dont. I have told more than one boss who put my name on a signature approval form that I would not sign it. I explained why. I pointed out that my signature means I thought it could work, and I could not in good conscience do that. I dont necessarily care whether I am in charge or not, I generally end up there regardless of my place on the Totem Pole. There is something about a submissive gazing at me with shining and loving eyes as I order her what particular Peruvian Food I think she will like that gets me going. Sinergy

AcademyForSlaves -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 7:46:06 PM)
Hi. Anyone who wants to learn can learn but you have to really want it to become good at it (like everything in life). At the Academy we meet lots of slaves that want to be trained, humiliated, used, and owned, but to become a good slave that someone will want to own they learn that they have to really want it and have to be willing to put some effort into their training. The same goes for being a dominant. The owner or dominant has to want to be dom otherwise their just playing a role to satisfy the sub, just like some subs pretend and play a role to get their fetish. Have you asked your partner what they want? dominant has to want to be dom otherwise their just playing a role to satisfy the sub, just like some subs pretend and play a role to get their fetish. Have you asked your partner what they want?

Sinergy -> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... (7/20/2007 7:59:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDolly Excluding those who assume dominant roles for their careers and top service dominants, etc... I think it could be easy to mirror the external characteristics of an alpha individual, but, if dominance is not one's authentic nature and they continuously feel they have to "put it on", sooner than later it will become patent the inner proclivity for domination isn't really there. While I frequently claim I dislike it. I do what ends up with me in the Dominant position, so as an impartial observer, I suppose it works for me. I suspect it is just what will happen in whatever sort of a relationship I am in. Sinergy

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