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RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 9:41:40 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

Thanks alot. I'm not sure if I'm barking up the wrong tree here, but I dont suppose this situation would be the same with the male master, and the female sub. Only cause I know how the guy's mind works lol. Men by nature are dominant, but women are nurturers. (sp?) Therefore it might jump start some kind of motherly instinct that is completely unwanted.

This may be the case for some women. It is not however the case for all. Maybe it is for Indigo, maybe it isn't. I think some women might also "act" this way because they feel it is their role.

I know that my dominant tendencies outweigh my maternal tendencies, though I do see where they might merge. I always said, the only circumstance under which I would have children is if I had a partner who was devoted to being the primary caretaker.

As for your situation, I think there is a possibility that this might be the case. However, I have issues with therapy techniques where the therapists suggest what it is that we might be going through. In instances like this, the therapist's suggestion might create some kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I prefer techniques where they act as facilitators for their client to come to their own realisations.

Dusty makes a good point when she says that if the therapist knows about her overall lack of sexual desire, that she would suggest it has to do with the D/s dynamic. Again, I wasn't there so I can't say for sure, but sounds like projection to me.

Akasha brings up some important points too. The sex drive issue might could be a physical thing or another personal issue not at all related to D/s.

And also, fillepink is so right in saying that most doctors do not take female sexuality seriously, even female medical practitioners unfortunately. I know of a woman here in Montreal who is a therapist (she happens to be lesbian and the bottom half of a Top/bottom relationship) who focuses on dealing with woman's sexuality issues. She puts on workshops about this. I'm wondering if you might find someone into something similar in Edmonton. If you want help in trying to find leads on where to start searching, message me on the other side.

- LA

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Post #: 21

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 10:51:48 AM

IndigoDadesi

Posts: 185
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Thanks everyone for all your wonderful suggestions.

Again I want to clarify a few things. My therapist was not talking about a D/s relationship when she suggested that mother/son theory. We were talking about the fact that I lost most of my sex drive shortly after Karbon and I moved in together. We (the therapist and I) have not discussed D/s at all in our sessions.

Lady Angelika: I think you made a good point there about differentiating between a maternal role and a dominant role. You may be on the right track here.

(Although, who knows, maybe we are completely off and its something completely different. But thats why we're asking: to see if anyone else has experienced something similar)

I also want to clarify that backing out of this lifestyle choice is NOT a possible solution to this problem. I was not pressured into this role and Im not uncomfortable in it, nor do I want to change my mind about the whole thing. We are simply looking for a way to "have our cake and eat it too" so to speak and keep the kink side and the sex side of our relationship alive and well.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 22

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 11:47:44 AM

cumslutcockwhore

Posts: 46
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy

Akasha: We are both interested in sex that, I still want sex, and she wants to want to have sex.

We've been together for about 2 and a half years. I dont believe she masturbates, seeings how she doesnt want sex. she doesnt even want it with other people. Its not that she's not just interested in having sex with me, its just doesnt want sex. Problem is, she wants to want to. you know?

When we first got together, we had sex every chance we got, experimented, played with different things, but now *shrugs*.

Now you know the number one reason, in my opinion, why men seek subs for sexual satifacton outside their mrriage....woman get disinterested in sex.

A therapist will NEVER help if her hormonal levels are low/off kilter or she has some other sort of medical problem.

hope this helps.

~~just me

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Post #: 23

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 1:13:15 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cumslutcockwhore
Now you know the number one reason, in my opinion, why men seek subs for sexual satifacton outside their mrriage....woman get disinterested in sex.

Pardon me cumslutcockwhore... as I am usually more diplomatic then this, but I can't help when I read that sentence to say "what a steaming load of bull shit". I can’t understand how anyone could express such an inaccurate generalisation. Seriously.

First of all, women seek relationships outside their marriage just as men do, and often it's because they are not satisfied on many levels.

Second of all, men do not only seek out submissives for sexual satisfaction outside their marriage. If you only knew how many married men contact me on a weekly basis.

Third, not all women get disinterested in sex. I think the handle you have chosen to participate in these forums with is an indication of this. The fact that I have a higher libido then any male partner I have ever had is another indication of this. Two examples aren’t scientifically conclusive of course, but they at the very least debunk your broad sweeping statement.

I would take a chance and say that the reason why most people look outside their marriage for sex and intimacy—other then those in the poly lifestyle of course—is because of lack of communication, expression of needs and understanding of the other.

- LA

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Post #: 24

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 4:42:06 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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I wish there was a drug to lower my sex drive. I'm sure its way too high.

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Post #: 25

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 6:19:58 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
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There are drugs that will do just as you desire. Ask your GP for a Depo Provera prescription.

~stef

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Post #: 26

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 6:26:46 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
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Stef, how true.........
Whatever happened to Huey Lewis and the News?

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Post #: 27

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 7:13:00 PM

stef

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Huey Lewis and The News are still touring. Chris and Mario are no longer with the band, and they are without the services of Tower of Power's horns, but they still get it done.

~stef

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Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

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Post #: 28

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 7:24:44 PM

mnottertail

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You know what Stef? You still rock, goddammit.........
Thanks,

Ron

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Post #: 29

RE: Serious Question. - 6/25/2005 8:19:18 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
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Thanks

I'm not planning on stopping!

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 30

RE: Serious Question. - 6/26/2005 8:56:25 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy

I wish there was a drug to lower my sex drive. I'm sure its way too high.

Gee! My girl friend and I were having dinner last night and we were just commenting on how hard it is the find a man that has a libido as high as ours.

Though I would never take a drug to lower my sex drive. I'll just keep my little harem of big boys <weg>.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Post #: 31

RE: Serious Question. - 6/26/2005 11:51:04 AM

KarbonCopy

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Yea, well thats not really an option for me lol. Sometimes its a real pain in the ass. It can be really hard on me mentally.

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Post #: 32

RE: Serious Question. - 6/26/2005 12:08:00 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
Yea, well thats not really an option for me lol. Sometimes its a real pain in the ass. It can be really hard on me mentally.

How about finding a way to harness your sexual energy in other ways?

Sexual energy is a very powerful energy. When people take vows of celibacy, they usually need to find other ways of channelling their sexual energy in order to not... spontaneously combust ;)

I'm not an expert on channelling sexual energy. I have channelled other energies in the past. Having inherited my father’s temper, I had to learn how to channel anger and I have to say that I have become very successful over the last decade. Basically, what you do is when you feel a desire, rather then suppress it completely, you allow yourself to manifest it in a way that will give you a similar release. Things that work well are things that will get you trance like. I know that one of the ways I’ll deal with anger is to do high intensity activity such as tackling a very steep hill on my mountain bike—this requires all my attention and energy and the “anger” is fuel to get me up there. I usually finish this off with a reflection period, like some wind own meditation where I try to deal with the issue.

Is there some way that you could find to channel your sexual energy into something productive to serve your Domme? That is, when you feel the need to be sexually active, you can turn to a project that you know she will appreciate? Housework/maintenance? Building her a garden? You will probably also find the satisfaction you seek just in knowing that you are doing something for her.

If you have artistic talents, there is a great way to let the creative side of sexuality work for you. I’m sure there are many more ways.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to KarbonCopy)

Post #: 33

RE: Serious Question. - 6/26/2005 4:53:13 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
Yea, well thats not really an option for me lol. Sometimes its a real pain in the ass. It can be really hard on me mentally.

How about finding a way to harness your sexual energy in other ways?

Sexual energy is a very powerful energy. When people take vows of celibacy, they usually need to find other ways of channelling their sexual energy in order to not... spontaneously combust ;)

I'm not an expert on channelling sexual energy. I have channelled other energies in the past. Having inherited my father’s temper, I had to learn how to channel anger and I have to say that I have become very successful over the last decade. Basically, what you do is when you feel a desire, rather then suppress it completely, you allow yourself to manifest it in a way that will give you a similar release. Things that work well are things that will get you trance like. I know that one of the ways I’ll deal with anger is to do high intensity activity such as tackling a very steep hill on my mountain bike—this requires all my attention and energy and the “anger” is fuel to get me up there. I usually finish this off with a reflection period, like some wind own meditation where I try to deal with the issue.

Is there some way that you could find to channel your sexual energy into something productive to serve your Domme? That is, when you feel the need to be sexually active, you can turn to a project that you know she will appreciate? Housework/maintenance? Building her a garden? You will probably also find the satisfaction you seek just in knowing that you are doing something for her.

If you have artistic talents, there is a great way to let the creative side of sexuality work for you. I’m sure there are many more ways.

- LA

I've been trying to figure out differnet ways to deal with urges, but instinctively I just bottle them up, like I do with my temper.

Right now, the hardest thing to do is stay sane while waiting for the results of the test.

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Post #: 34

RE: Serious Question. - 6/26/2005 5:10:21 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
I've been trying to figure out differnet ways to deal with urges, but instinctively I just bottle them up, like I do with my temper.

Ok. I hear you. But does nothing that I suggest even remotely look like a possibility?

And if i might be so bold to ask—and of course I will not be offended if it is too personal for you to answer—what are some of the things you have considered for dealing with the urges and why have they not worked?

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Post #: 35

RE: Serious Question. - 6/26/2005 7:06:00 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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well there is the usual Masterbation *giggle* LOL! heh. . . masterbation . . . funny.

Trying just to submerse myself in something else, whatever it may be.

Problem is, I dont like to do housework in the slightest, I live in an apartment, with no tools, so buiding something is pretty much completely out of the question. I suppose I could try and build her some sort of a garden, seeing how we're on the top floor and have a 200 sqr foot uncovered balcony on our second floor.

but where would i get materials and tools?

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Post #: 36

RE: Serious Question. - 6/26/2005 7:57:27 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
well there is the usual Masterbation *giggle* LOL! heh. . . masterbation . . . funny.

But that is not channelling your sexual energy elsewhere. That is simply living it out alone.

quote:

Trying just to submerse myself in something else, whatever it may be.

This is a good start...

quote:

Problem is, I dont like to do housework in the slightest, I live in an apartment, with no tools, so buiding something is pretty much completely out of the question. I suppose I could try and build her some sort of a garden, seeing how we're on the top floor and have a 200 sqr foot uncovered balcony on our second floor.

but where would i get materials and tools?

I'm not sure how much costs that would entail nor do I know (or am I trying to pry into) your financial situation. You might however want to ask someone at your local hardware store/greenhouse about innexpensive alternatives.

And even if you don't like to do housework, you wouldn't be doing it for you ;)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Post #: 37

RE: Serious Question. - 6/27/2005 11:34:05 AM

subversiveone

Posts: 332
Joined: 4/20/2005
From: Daddy's Lap
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well now im dying to know how the hormone testing went...when will Y/you know?
i think someone should come out with the nick Master Hormone because we seem to all be such slaves to them. ;)
the only thing i can add is that *if* your D/s has twinges of maternal/childlike roles, even subconsciously, it's worth exploring... while you may not see him as your child, perhaps a little play might bring it to the surface. im not suggesting this as the sexual fix, more like an answer to your maternal musings. it may turn into a total turn off, but still strike a chord, which could lead to further discussion and possible discovery.
i think it's highly common to lose sex drive when moving in w/a person! i've seen it in my own life before a few times... especially if it's been a couple of years. i would look into that part of it first! are the pressures of adjusting to one another still there, even slightly? are there pressures stemming from the change in routine?
and it's possible that there really is no set answer! you could be stressed, have slight hormone probs, be bored, be tired, be fighting other chemical imbalances... if you put too much focus on finding the cause you may miss the solution.

< Message edited by subversiveone -- 6/27/2005 11:40:05 AM >

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Post #: 38

RE: Serious Question. - 6/27/2005 3:40:04 PM

KarbonCopy

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We dont have an idea when we will be getting the test results, she took the test on Wednsday so *shrugs*.

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Post #: 39

RE: Serious Question. - 6/27/2005 6:44:30 PM

pandoravampire

Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
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Thought id chip in too:
biological symptoms of depression are: low mood, or numb mood, poor sleep, lack of appetite, lowered libido< see! Couldnt it just be that your depressed?

Your therapist: sack her now. Any therapist that offers a opinion on a matter they know nothing of (and from her comments, she clearly does not) is violating a code of conduct of therapy. She is simply going into a area outside of her expertise, and if she were worth jack shit, she'd say so and refer you onto a lifestyle counsellor that she SHOULD know of. All of us therapists, must, seek supervision of our caseloads. Within that supervision group, should be a resource of specialist services she can refer you to.
To seek 'therapy' for your depression, whilst living in a 24/7 dynamic, must surely come from someone qualified in this area?
Depression is a dibilitating illness that profoundly affects our lives, and the lives of those who share closely in this.

Any of the SSRI antidepressants eg. prozac, mirtazepine. cause loss of libido, in many cases, sexual dysfunction.

And having done two long term relationships, bdsm is NO different to vanilla, libido waxes and wanes. Sensuality can be enjoyed throughout though. Their are many ways of being intimate with a partner, that do not include sex. Dont dip out on these, as these cement relationships when times are tough. D/s also, does not require sex. Nothing quite like a good head fuck

Plus, the thrill of the chase, the goal - its natural enough for the interest factor to wane a bit, until you find a new goal to achieve.
For yourself, and your submissive needs, or sexual needs, she could always have you please yourself on her behalf, joining in where she see's fit or not as she chooses.

The level and quality of communication required to ensure that a D/s relationship work well, is the best ever tool for change in mental state than any therapy. inho.

I wish you luck, and please, find another therapist. I realise that 'therapy' is very fashionable in america, but therapy is not a whim, does require a skilled therapist, in my opinion, yours has sent up a huge red flag in her; not only making a false judgement, but offerring this to you as a possible reality, instead of referring you to a specialist.

(in reply to sudja)

Post #: 40

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