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fear of sex - 7/28/2007 6:25:53 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		For the past year and a half, I chose not to engage in sex. Because of being used in the past, I was afraid that if I had sex with a guy, he would lose interest. My unwillingness to have sex turned many potential Doms off. I finally met someone that seemed to be a good fit. I explained my fear to him. He seemed to understand and was willing to wait to have sex until I was ready. After several months of non-sexual sessions, I decided to trust him. Just as I feared, he lost interest (and no I didn't just lay there). A friend of mine usually only makes a guy wait for a few days, but doesn't seem to have this problem. Maybe I expect too much. I like to talk to a guy I'm involved with on the phone 2-3 times a week and see him once or twice a month. Does this mean I'm too needy? How can I break this cycle of being used in a bad way and get over my fear of sex that's even worse now than it was before?

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Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 6:32:20 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		Generally, there a point when people simply loose Sexual interest if nothing happens Sexually.  Can be a matter of a few weeks to monthes.   There becomes a point when sexual advances when turned down, the other person has to mentally not think about you like that to be able to be with you.  

Meaning if you guys go out to dinner, and knows he won't be getting a piece of ass sometime in the future, he will stop thinking and looking at you that way.  LOL..

You can be sexual without having sex, this keeps and holds the Dudes interest.  If you flat out say, that you are not into sex.  Well, like I said, they have no other option but to start mentally forcing themselves to look at you different.

Chances are he will be checking out the waitresses while you are out to dinner together.   It will digress into something known as the friend only zone. 

Men generally want to know, that you'll be wanting to cum all over the place.  In short men want to know and feel sexually attractive as much as most women do...

 

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 6:37:34 AM   
NakedGirlScout


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		This is the sort of thing that would probably benefit from having some professional therapy, perhaps. I've never had men lose interest when they had sex, either. It would benefit you more to explore your questions with somebody qualified, since we can't possibly know enough about you to give you personal advice off the cuff.

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 6:37:56 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Tough one. Impossible to say since I am not witness to anything leading up to your sexual encounter, or the sexual encounter itself. Here is what I suggest.

First, don't look for a relationship. Work on yourself, get to know yourself, wallow in yourself. Looking for a relationships tends to put us out of ourselves when that is our focus. It could be, very simply, the sorts of men you choose. Are they of a specific type? Make a list of what attracts you to men and see if there is a common denominator that creates these painful episodes.

Second, and this is relative conjecture and not an intentional slight or flame. When I was overweight I felt terrible about myself. I had some encounters that made me feel exactly like you describe in your OP. Work out, harden up, do a whole beauty regimine so that you never ever have to wonder if it's about the way you look.

If it's a personality issue, ask friends what they think of you, ask if there is anything that you do that is a turn-off. Are you mouthy? Does your vocabulary consist of mostly four-letter-words? Are you judgemental? Hateful? Check yourself out from someone else's eyes and see what there is to improve on. When you feel confident (and sometimes you might have to force it) you become confident - it's a habit.

Good luck to you, whatever the case. I am very sorry you are going through such turmoil.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 6:41:02 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

For the past year and a half, I chose not to engage in sex. Because of being used in the past, I was afraid that if I had sex with a guy, he would lose interest. My unwillingness to have sex turned many potential Doms off. I finally met someone that seemed to be a good fit. I explained my fear to him. He seemed to understand and was willing to wait to have sex until I was ready. After several months of non-sexual sessions, I decided to trust him. Just as I feared, he lost interest (and no I didn't just lay there). One of my friends has this same problem and she doesn't make them wait, I don't know why it happens.  Sometimes people don't click in that department and there wasn't anything you could have done to change that.  As sad as it is also, I have not seen it be beyond a man to wait several months to conquer then move on.   A friend of mine usually only makes a guy wait for a few days, but doesn't seem to have this problem. Maybe I expect too much. I like to talk to a guy I'm involved with on the phone 2-3 times a week and see him once or twice a month. Does this mean I'm too needy?I don't see a couple of times a week to be too needy.  I think that  I might wonder more what he was doing all of those times we didn't see each other.  The men I have known usually wanted to get together more often than that.  That might also be the reason he lost interest after, you don't know how many others he had on the side.  I would say you are the opposite of needy, heck, I wanted to talk to my Master everyday in some form.  How can I break this cycle of being used in a bad way and get over my fear of sex that's even worse now than it was before? I don't know to be honest.  It's always going to be scary taking that step.  I know that I was afraid when I met Master that I was getting my hopes up again, or getting too vested in the relationship.  I am grateful I took the risk now, but it could have ended bad just as easily. 
 
I think there is usually a pattern in the people we pick.  It's not always something we can recognize, but our brains just sort of seek them out.  I don't know if sitting down and listing the qualities of the past ones would help.  Maybe you will see some things that match up both good and bad, and  you can figure out what drew you to the bad things.  I know for a while I had a tendency to pick ones that would cheat, or just treat me bad in general.  I had to step back and figure out why I did that. 
 
I think the hardest thing to do sometimes is look at ourselves and what we are doing wrong to draw these people.  It's much easier to point out what was wrong with them.
 
It will be hard looking for the "right" kind of person because you are so used to the wrong kind.  They might seem too nice, or even not your type at first.  I sort of had that happen.  I now know that Master is a nice guy and there is nothing wrong with that.  I sometimes still feel like maybe I don't deserve to be treated so well, that maybe I need to do more to deserve it.  I have to remind myself that I should be treated in a good way, just as I treat him that way also.  There is nothing wrong with having someone love you back, or think you are worth the world.  It's actually kind of nice once you get used to it.
 
I doubt any of that helped, but I wish you the best all the same.  I think that we all have been hurt in some way, so we all know it's hard to deal with.
 
Take care.



_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 6:49:50 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

Generally, there a point when people simply loose Sexual interest if nothing happens Sexually.  Can be a matter of a few weeks to months.   There becomes a point when sexual advances when turned down, the other person has to mentally not think about you like that to be able to be with you.  

Meaning if you guys go out to dinner, and knows he won't be getting a piece of ass sometime in the future, he will stop thinking and looking at you that way.  LOL..

You can be sexual without having sex, this keeps and holds the Dudes interest.  If you flat out say, that you are not into sex.  Well, like I said, they have no other option but to start mentally forcing themselves to look at you different.

Chances are he will be checking out the waitresses while you are out to dinner together.   It will digress into something known as the friend only zone. 

Men generally want to know, that you'll be wanting to cum all over the place.  In short men want to know and feel sexually attractive as much as most women do...




how true how true,,

as an Example, there is a young sub I have been interested in for about a year,, and she has kept putting me off, but teasing me along,, and just recently ,, she decided that she was interested in taking the time to start something up with me,, and now I'm like  what ever,, it took you this long ,, and after how many other encounters you have had,, thanks but no thank you,, we can remain friends the way that you put it down ,, until i decide ,, but you know I'm not sure that I want to anymore ,,
due to the fact when I was interested you played and toyed with my flirts and tossed them about like a kitten and a sponge ball,, but friends we can stay,, and who know what might happen one night down the line,, but I'm not looking for the encounter anymore,, for my brain has rewired it's self to accept this person as a friend with a bit of a physical attraction,, but nothing more.

my advice dbg,,, put the past in the past for that is where it belongs and seize the moment,, "Corripere Momentum"  for you never know what the moment is going to hold for you,, and that is the fun and mystery of life,,
I wish you the best on your search and hope that you find one whom will respect you and understand you for who you are ,, and you them as well ,,,,
and remember every encounter is different ,, and should be treated as such,
not all will use/abuse you,, but you should still be on your guard,,
and remember it is as much about you  as it is them<my opinion>

MasterMataeo

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 7:23:17 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Maybe I expect too much. I like to talk to a guy I'm involved with on the phone 2-3 times a week and see him once or twice a month. Does this mean I'm too needy?


Depends on the relationship.  For some, yeah, they don't want you around except when it's convinient and they happen to feel like it.  Others like you around all of the time, and they might even find that to be too distant.  So, really, you're not strange here.. you just need to find someone who wants what you do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

How can I break this cycle of being used in a bad way and get over my fear of sex that's even worse now than it was before?


I believe that reasonable fears denied can grow in intensity.  Being afraid of being used isn't irrational- it's a legimate concern that can scare many.  If you try to put down the fear altogether, it seems it may grow into something more rash, as you may be experiencing.

My suggestion is to realize that your fear has basis and then to examine it.  To look for the risks, and, ultimately, to accept them.

I doubt you can entirely get over this fear so long as you feelthat such an incidient would serve to harm you.  But as long as you can come up with a way to deal with it, and realize it might, but won't always, happen.. perhaps the fear, while still present, won't be so horrible.

Yogi Bear's a role model here.  Always after those picnic baskets he loves, no matter what the forest ranger threatens him with.  He may not always get it, and some (humorously) uncomfortable things may happen to him, but he keeps trying!  Goo Yogi!
 
PS-  Forgot to mention, one must realize that, if it happens, it's not the end of the world.  Lif e will go on.  While not a very romantic realization, it's both true and will help the fear move away from the all-consumingness.

< Message edited by CuriousLord -- 7/28/2007 7:25:45 AM >

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 7:38:03 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		All this talk about being used... I thought this was half the reason why people are in this lifestyle.   That most of the submissive women enjoyed being used.. LOL..

On a more serious note.  There is always a chance somebody will simply use you and toss you aside like an Empty Bottle of Pepsi or Dirty Diaper.   Even us Domly types end up getting used at times. 

Oh shit, that girl I used the other night that I thought wanted to spend a life time with me, was just using me to use her for sex?  Talk about a paradox.. life is full of the ironic. 

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:34:02 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

All this talk about being used... I thought this was half the reason why people are in this lifestyle.   That most of the submissive women enjoyed being used.. LOL..

On a more serious note.  There is always a chance somebody will simply use you and toss you aside like an Empty Bottle of Pepsi or Dirty Diaper.   Even us Domly types end up getting used at times. 

Oh shit, that girl I used the other night that I thought wanted to spend a life time with me, was just using me to use her for sex?  Talk about a paradox.. life is full of the ironic. 



how true how true,,

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:52:50 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

Generally, there a point when people simply loose Sexual interest if nothing happens Sexually.  Can be a matter of a few weeks to monthes.   There becomes a point when sexual advances when turned down, the other person has to mentally not think about you like that to be able to be with you.  
.


I don't tell Doms that I have no interest in sex. I tell them I only engage in non sexual play outside of a relationship. For me to have sex, there must be a monogamous relationship. This scares them off for some reason.
 
As far as the type of men I choose......lack of employment, being attached to someone else, and lack of transportation are big time red flags for me. I have no interest in bums or poly Doms.  I also avoid men that won't give me their number and tell me where they live. It seems like no matter how selective I am, I'm a magnet for users. What can I do to avoid being used without turning guys off?

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:22:11 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I don't tell Doms that I have no interest in sex. I tell them I only engage in non sexual play outside of a relationship. For me to have sex, there must be a monogamous relationship. This scares them off for some reason.
 

I find the above a bit confusing. It sounds like the dom wouldn't have a clue as to whether or not he is even in a relationship with you.
If you only have sex in a relationship, yet you won't have sex with him until months have passed then how is he supposed to judge when the 'relationship' actually begins?

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
As far as the type of men I choose......lack of employment, being attached to someone else, and lack of transportation are big time red flags for me. I have no interest in bums or poly Doms.  I also avoid men that won't give me their number and tell me where they live. It seems like no matter how selective I am, I'm a magnet for users. What can I do to avoid being used without turning guys off?


You are continuing a pattern here & that means you need to really take a look at yourself. Not the men you are trying to attract or the ones you do attract but instead look at yourself, how you present yourself etc. As slaveish said maybe you should sit with some friends and ask for a mental makeover.
DBG it is up to you to end this pattern and seeking out professional (ie counseling) help can be very worthwhile. Something is going wrong that you can't seem to spot, so ask someone in person to help.

Good luck.



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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:54:34 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think you need to worko n your judgements and selection process and I think you need to realize it's more than just green or red light- you guys need to sit down, discuss what sex does and doesn't mean, discuss where you want to go in the RELATIONSHIP and make sure your judgements are good.

Sex itself isn't really anything more or less than sex.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 10:08:59 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I have seen your posts in the past....They tend to be more than a little wacked...I don't know what type of issues that you are dealing with but I think they are more than what the majority of us on line docs can truly help you with....

I think you have some fairly serious problems that are much more significant than whether you are able to find the right guy or not....I doubt that this is something that can be cured through self introspection.  Unless you are really capable of holding up the mirror and then determining a course to put you on the right path....I don't think it is possible, very few people when it comes to self analysis can see the trees through the forest.


It's got little to do with bdsm, vanilla, online or offline relationships....You need to get your shit together.  Much easier said than done.

But I do wish you well.



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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 10:15:48 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It is possible that you are not good at sex. Have any of these men talked to you about why they lost interest?

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 10:24:13 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		DBG
I gotta agree with domi here.  I, too, have read several of your posts in the past and they seem awfully rigid.  I mean everyone has their own opinion, but most of us are open to listening, if not agreeing with, another pov.  I don't see that in you.  Course I could be WAY off base here.  And, perhaps, you should go see a professional.  Like domi said, you pretty much need to get your shit together before worrying about a relationship.  Messed up shit pretty much guarantees a messed up (or no) relationship.

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:12:16 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy


I think you have some fairly serious problems that are much more significant than whether you are able to find the right guy or not....
What kind of serious problems? Although I earned a 4.0 my last three semesters in a row, my overall GPA is only a 3.87.......so I might be a little on the stupid side. Opinions vary and what one person might be opposed to, another might be stongly in favor of. I could just as easily go around saying everyone that has a different opinion than me is a nut case but I don't need to stoop to that level to boost my self esteem.

You need to get your shit together. 

You do have a point there. In my younger years I made the mistake of thinking I could have a good career in call center work. I thought if I got enough experience, I could go into management where the real money was. After 8 years of moving from call center to call center (they kept closing down), I wizened up. I'm now going for a college degree and working full time during the summer, part time during the school year. I made an error in judgement yes, but I'm not a bum with no car and no job. I have my shit together alot more than many people I run into.




My problem isn't getting my shit together. It's men that are turned off by women who don't put out, yet lose interest when they do.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:17:19 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

My problem isn't getting my shit together. It's men that are turned off by women who don't put out, yet lose interest when they do.


For some reason you are equating sex with being used.  Where is that coming from? 
Sex is a drive, an act that should be enjoyed.  It doesn't always have to be relationship-forever driven.  If you are expecting major monogamy before agreeing to sex it may be difficult for you to make the type of connection that you expect.  Some people will not commit to monogramy until they are absolutely sure that they want a relationship, and for many people this includes compatability on many levels, with sex being just one level.


_____________________________

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- Albert Einstein

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:20:27 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy


I think you have some fairly serious problems that are much more significant than whether you are able to find the right guy or not....
What kind of serious problems? Although I earned a 4.0 my last three semesters in a row, my overall GPA is only a 3.87.......so I might be a little on the stupid side. Opinions vary and what one person might be opposed to, another might be stongly in favor of. I could just as easily go around saying everyone that has a different opinion than me is a nut case but I don't need to stoop to that level to boost my self esteem.

You need to get your shit together. 

You do have a point there. In my younger years I made the mistake of thinking I could have a good career in call center work. I thought if I got enough experience, I could go into management where the real money was. After 8 years of moving from call center to call center (they kept closing down), I wizened up. I'm now going for a college degree and working full time during the summer, part time during the school year. I made an error in judgement yes, but I'm not a bum with no car and no job. I have my shit together alot more than many people I run into. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner (the bum that doesn't have her shit together was at work, imagine that).




My problem isn't getting my shit together. It's men that are turned off by women who don't put out, yet lose interest when they do.


_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:30:51 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Being with a guy for months and no sex?
That sounds like "Gay guy and female girlfriend" to me.
I read somewhere that if there's no sex after the 3rd date it's time to walk!

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:31:37 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I don't tell Doms that I have no interest in sex. I tell them I only engage in non sexual play outside of a relationship. For me to have sex, there must be a monogamous relationship. This scares them off for some reason.
 

I find the above a bit confusing. It sounds like the dom wouldn't have a clue as to whether or not he is even in a relationship with you.
If you only have sex in a relationship, yet you won't have sex with him until months have passed then how is he supposed to judge when the 'relationship' actually begins.



Actually, it's quite simple. A relationship begins when a Dom and I have both agreed to be exclusive. No relationship, no sex. I am however willing to engage in non-sexual play while getting to know a Dom. Is this where I'm making my mistake? Should I avoid even non-sexual play with potential Doms and keep everything on a vanilla level until the Dom and I are ready to begin a relationship?

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

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