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RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 12:49:20 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Why do you people argue with me?....I told you.  I try to hold your hand and take you down the path of logic....But noooooooo!!!....Were too scared domiguy...

My advice which is correct, by the way, stands as written. The longer this thread runs it will only become more accurate.
quote:

Me
I have seen your posts in the past....They tend to be more than a little wacked...I don't know what type of issues that you are dealing with but I think they are more than what the majority of us on line docs can truly help you with....

I think you have some fairly serious problems that are much more significant than whether you are able to find the right guy or not....I doubt that this is something that can be cured through self introspection.  Unless you are really capable of holding up the mirror and then determining a course to put you on the right path....I don't think it is possible, very few people when it comes to self analysis can see the trees through the forest.

It's got little to do with bdsm, vanilla, online or offline relationships....You need to get your shit together.  Much easier said than done.

But I do wish you well.



Any arguments?



_____________________________



(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 1:00:19 PM   
Tinman1960


Posts: 46
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe I am stange but I totally disagree with "That which is unconquered is appealing and that which is totally conquered loses its fascination." That which is totally conquered is more comfortable and appealing in my book, unless of course you are not satisfied with what you have conquered. The unconquered is the unknown - and may or may not be worth he effort..the unknown is not always appealing.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 2:18:48 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Did you even read my response to your comment? I have my shit together alot more than alot of people. How do you think a counselor would respond if I walked into his office and said I was psycho because

----- I have no interest in a relationship with a free loading bum with no job and no car.

----- I refuse to have casual sex with multiple partners due to morals and health risks

Counselors help people who are sex addicts at risk to their own health and people who have a pattern of dating freeloaders. Why would they think I needed help because I avoid such self distructive behavior?

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 2:40:43 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I actually had people flame me for refusing to become involved with bums that have no car and no job. Apparently they consider employment and transportation, two basic necessities of life, as frivilous. Why don't you tell them to seek counseling because they obviously need it.


< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 7/29/2007 2:46:04 PM >

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 2:48:46 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Counselors also help people with issues of denial.

We know, from your own words that (a) every man you ever slept with runs out on you, and that (b) you can be a little ... lot ... harsh.

Here, maybe this will make you feel better. I think it's what you want.

Every man that ever fucked you was a loser jerk who didn't deserve you.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

So.

Why do you keep going out with loser jerks who don't deserve you? There is a common denominator here. Think carefully, look closely, and start in the mirror.

Those who claim no responsibility in repetitive negative situations need great big glasses. ~~fortune cookie

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 3:00:38 PM   
Joseff


Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
After several months of non-sexual sessions, I decided to trust him. Just as I feared, he lost interest


Seems like a long time to wait, if he's just looking to get laid. Are you sure his 'losing interest' isn't some kind of misperception on your part?
Joseff

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 3:04:33 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		You act like I deliberately get in these situations when I do everything to avoid them. Because of my morals and health risks, I will not engage in sex outside of a monogamous relationship. I also don't become sexually involved with a man unless I have seen his house (if there are no women's things there, he's not married and doesn't have a live in gf).This should keep me from being used, but it doesn't. Because I don't want a bum in my life that will only serve as a financial drain, I don't date unemployed men with no transportation. This definitely keeps me from being used for my car and money so no issue there. My point is, everyone seems to think I'm this big flake that complains about being used and doesn't take any steps to avoid it when in fact, I do. Why not tell me of more red flags to look for instead of falsly accusing me of not taking steps to avoid these jerks?

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 3:14:18 PM   
seeksfemslave


Posts: 4011
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		If you were such a wonderful person DfB you would pull your knickers up and not be so provocative.
Dont you think that sends confusing messages to hormonally challenged males?

< Message edited by seeksfemslave -- 7/29/2007 3:16:10 PM >

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 3:21:47 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Joseff

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
After several months of non-sexual sessions, I decided to trust him. Just as I feared, he lost interest


Seems like a long time to wait, if he's just looking to get laid. Are you sure his 'losing interest' isn't some kind of misperception on your part?
Joseff


Yeah, I'm sure. Before we had sex, he used to call me several times a week and come over for regular sessions. After we had sex, his unmentionable started answering the phone and saying he wasn't there when he was. He refused to do anything about it. Before we had sex, he complained that he didn't get to see me often enough. After we had sex, he felt crowded even though I wasn't seeing him any more often then than I did before the sex. He tried to be nice about it when he released me saying he didn't have the time, energy, or money to persue the lifestyle but hoped to come back to it at some point. He said something about it being unfair for me to wait around for him until he could. If I was demanding alot of his time and energy, I could understand. But how much time and energy does it take to have only 1-2 sessions a month? He obviously lost interest after the sex even though he would never admit it.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to Joseff)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 4:20:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Oh you're still talking about this guy from a month ago:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1117545/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1117545
What should I do?

It's obvious to me that there were a lot of problems in that relationship- all of which included you not seeing signs and using good initial screening skills.

You were around eachother for 3 months- that's really not THAT long of a time and somehow within the month you start THAT thread and starting THIS thread, you've come to the decision that it's because he was able to have a piece of your pussy that it all went wrong? 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 4:54:17 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Actually, I did use good screening skills. None of that crap happened until after the sex, not before. You think I would have had sex with him after he started that shit? See, this is my whole point. Guys are great until after a woman finally trusts them enough to sleep with them. Then all of a sudden there are red flags everywhere. If I've already had sex with the guy, I feel compelled to try to work it out because I've never been able to view sex as a casual thing (probably because I grew up and still live in bible belt Kansas). 

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 7/29/2007 5:43:18 PM >

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: fear of sex - 7/30/2007 3:11:12 AM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Did you even read my response to your comment? I have my shit together alot more than alot of people. How do you think a counselor would respond if I walked into his office and said I was psycho because

----- I have no interest in a relationship with a free loading bum with no job and no car.

----- I refuse to have casual sex with multiple partners due to morals and health risks

Counselors help people who are sex addicts at risk to their own health and people who have a pattern of dating freeloaders. Why would they think I needed help because I avoid such self distructive behavior?


Well as you are so perfect why are you asking us for help? From everything you have written so far you are begining to sound like a gold digger. If you want to make such hard and fast rules about relationships be aware that it might take you a very long time to find someone that feels the same way as you. Life is not about rules it is about living. I met and played with my Master on the very first meeting. Not something I ever thought I would do but it was right for me and for him at the time. We have now been living together for over 3 years. Rules are fine as a guide but why miss out on so much because you will not bend those rules. I still think your problems are based on things that have happened to you in the past. Trying to make rules to stop that happening again is not going to work. You need to concentrate on the person not what they have.

I know all this will fall on deaf ears as you have made up your mind to ignore anyone here that does not think the same way as you. We have all seen you do it many times in the past but go back and read what has been said to you here. Also while doing that look at how many times you have used the words "bum" and "used". Very revealing.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 12:34:12 PM   
lusciouspeach78


Posts: 20
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline 		WOW. I had a few extra minutes, and decided to read through the drama in this thread...and OMG, for drama!
I have never known a man that is willing to wait "several months" for one woman, and still be 100% committed to her and her alone. It just doesn't happen. You are being unrealistic here. Men want and NEED sex. It's a case of put out, or get out. If this guy seriously stopped calling you and such as soon as the sheets were done steaming, he never intended it to go any further than that to begin with. Any thoughts ever cross your mind that he was not a TRUE Dom?? To me he sounds like just another good ol' boy out to get a little. I know and understand men very well....I would never make a guy wait that long for me to get over personal fears and doubts......the best way to get passed those things is to dive in head first and hope like hell that you can handle it. Knowledge, confidence....respect....I know it all goes back to just TRYING things out. The longest I have made a man wait was a week.....and I have NEVER had anyone turn and walk away. EVER. The thing I hated was men that would promise love and devotion to me, then after sex, wasn't so into that thought. The reason? That's not what they wanted to begin with!! I had one guy when I was a teen....he dropped me off at home, and leaned over and said "I love you" and I flat out told him "No you don't....you just wanna fuck me"....he started laughing and admitted that yeah, that's what he wanted. People will say one thing, and mean another, and I can't believe that you have as of yet to pick up on this fact!!
You have to tell a man what you want, and I mean exactly what you want, or you're never gonna get it. No subtle hints or cues, be direct. Don't put your heart into sex either....at least not until you know where the relationship is going. And as for the casual encounters.........there's nothing wrong with them, as long as you protect yourself. I also don't understand why you equate sex with being used....other than it would seem that you're out there looking for love or for your one and only. And if that's what you're looking for....DEFINITELY tell whatever man you're involved with that you're looking for long term, other-wise it isn't too fair to suddenly spring it on him.
One side note, what do you think your GPA has a thing to do with any of this? A person can hold a 4.0 their whole life, and still lack common sense.

(in reply to susie)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 12:50:31 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Yeah, I used to be "afraid" of sex too.
I had this recurring nightmare where a gang of georgeous women would kidnap me, take me home, and make me fuck them!
I'd wake up in a cold sweat with a throbbing hard-on.
It was horrid I tell ya.

_____________________________

"But Your Honor, this is not a Jury of my Peers, these people are all decent, honest, law-abiding citizens!"

(in reply to lusciouspeach78)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 12:54:33 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		FR...

I think its time for some wisdom from Katt Williams (not for the easily offended, faint of heart, all the standard disclaimers apply).

"Bitches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a nigga,"You fucked up my self-esteem". Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothafuckin' self. How am I gonna fuck up how you feel about you simple bitch?"

“Ladies you gotta start taking some responsibility for your own miserable life.  If you over 25 years of age and you still walkin’ around here talking about niggas ain't shit bitch you need to grow the fuck up with your irresponsible ass.  What you meant to say is all the niggas you fuck with aint shit.  That’s right.  You need to figure out what it is with your pussy that keep attracting aint shit niggas.  Might be aint shit pussy.”

"Bitch you need to understand that if you aint the shit to you, then you aint the shit to no one else."

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 8/1/2007 12:55:02 PM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
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(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 12:55:20 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Did you even read my response to your comment? I have my shit together alot more than alot of people. How do you think a counselor would respond if I walked into his office and said I was psycho because

----- I have no interest in a relationship with a free loading bum with no job and no car.

----- I refuse to have casual sex with multiple partners due to morals and health risks

Counselors help people who are sex addicts at risk to their own health and people who have a pattern of dating freeloaders. Why would they think I needed help because I avoid such self distructive behavior?


Coughs.

I don't own a car.  I don't ask for rides.  I use a bicycle and the bus.  I'm also employed.  It's cool you expect a man to own a car; but those who don't aren't necessarily 'bums.'  Car ownership, at this point in my life, isn't a high ranking priority.

As for your issues, again, it's way cool that you have a laundry list of things you expect from a man.  Yet, have you considered that perhaps instead of focusing on who he is, you're focusing on what he represents?  That your own fear of sex translates to him, as a fear of intimacy?  Instead of a relationship built on trust, you build the relationship on 'earning' trust.  You make sex into a prize for him to achieve, rather than a mutually rewarding and enjoyable experience for you both.

Years ago, I dated a virgin for over a year.  I didn't expect sex from her, exactly, she was very clear that she wanted to wait until marriage.  As she matured, her attitudes towards sex changed, and eventually I was her first.  I didn't love her more, or less, because we had sex; it was clear that the relationship didn't change; she did.  This is the sort of intimacy I highly recommend working towards: a relationship that you aren't afraid he'll leave after sex, because you knowhim so well that the possibility that he might abandon you never enters your mind.  That takes trust.  Until you can learn to trust, and learn to choose partners worth trusting, you're likely to repeat this pattern several more times in your life.

Good luck,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 12:55:29 PM   
lusciouspeach78


Posts: 20
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline 		damn, i've had those dreams before too!! or a room full of men....either way, it's all good!! of course, i dont wake with a throbbing hard on.....unless my dream is a reality and he is/they are in bed next to me....

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 12:58:18 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		From what I understand, peach, that doesn't happen nearly often enough 

Stephan

< Message edited by Stephann -- 8/1/2007 12:59:39 PM >

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to lusciouspeach78)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 1:10:07 PM   
lusciouspeach78


Posts: 20
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline 		thanks a lot Stephann!! I was hoping to wake up like that in the morning!!

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: fear of sex - 8/1/2007 1:16:30 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Admit it, it wouldn't take but an ad on craigslist and a few phone calls to arrange it 

The trouble is the fantasy is almost always better than the reality. 

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to lusciouspeach78)
Profile   Post #: 60
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