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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:35:10 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps you're right popeye. When you first meet a sub, are you usually ready to commit to a monogamous relationship by the third date?

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Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 8:41:18 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I think the problem might be poor judgement in your choice of partners. Maybe you are picking guys who are not a good match.  I doubt it has anything to do with your sexual abilities. 



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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:12:32 PM   
snowpea


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		My best guess is that you do have issues with neediness. The only reason I say this is: Not every man you meet will be the one you want to have that kind of relationship with. There are more relationship types than just Friends or Mate for life. Only you know why you see men this way. But a less rigid attitude would help you be able to have leeway.
 
You just have to roll with it and discover what will happen. If you enter in the relationship from the start with thoughts of: Will this last, will he fuck me over, will he screw me and leave me, then you've already determined that men have that power over you and you are a hapless victim. You are in control of what happens, when it happens. If they don't like it, tough shit. Obviously that's not the one you want and move on. It's your sitting and dwelling on that person that shows you have issues. There are Dom's that don't see the lifestyle as a way to fuel their sexual needs and leave their partner wanting. There are Dom's that want one-on-one. However if you cling they will run. Wouldn't you? And Domiguy is right, Ive read a few of your posts...you do need to get your stuff together before you try figuring out what someone else's agenda is... this is only honest advice from one who does understand. Im not trying to ridicule you or hurt your feelings at all.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:19:38 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Perhaps you're right popeye. When you first meet a sub, are you usually ready to commit to a monogamous relationship by the third date?


No, but as our relationship progresses it obviously becomes a possibility.
After all, that is what most people are looking for.

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(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:21:22 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Oh, I know what I want and am very selective. All Doms must meet certain standards before I consider them. Here are a few of my requirements.

1. Must have their own transportation.

2. Must be employed.

3. Must respect my hard limits.

4. Must always provide aftercare.

5. Must not be attached to any other women.

6. Must be willing to give me their phone number and home address within a reasonable amount of time.

I don't try to pick the wrong guys and set myself up to get hurt. If a guy doesn't want a monogamous relationship, I don't have sex with him. I would never consider having sex with a guy without having his phone # and knowing where he lives. Many (not all) men lie about being unattached and the only way a woman can know for sure is if she has been to his home. I am more selective and careful than any of my friends so I don't understand why I even have this problem. I've even been accused of being too picky.



_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:26:13 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Perhaps you're right popeye. When you first meet a sub, are you usually ready to commit to a monogamous relationship by the third date?


No, but as our relationship progresses it obviously becomes a possibility.
After all, that is what most people are looking for.


This is exactly what I refer to. Guys expect women to spread their legs by the 3rd date but won't even commit to a monogamous relationship.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:26:15 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		i lost interest in sex a long time ago, it's over-rated at best.

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:30:07 PM   
snowpea


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		Your list needs to be edited if your No.1 requirement is have a car. You need to be looking at the character of the man if you want that relationship where you feel that you can trust them with your safety and vulnerabilities. I mean Ted Bundy had a car and a job and was definetely willing to give women his address, lol. So, when you say that you have standards look at how superficial they are and realize that's why you're getting superficial jerks who don't let you know if they're married or not, who sleep with one time and all the rest of the crap you're getting... Short of beating my head on a wall, I just have to say, you get what you ask for.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:43:19 PM   
TankII7871


Posts: 174
Joined: 4/22/2005
Status: offline 		When i was a young lad i was engaged to a girl.  After dating for 2 years we set a date to be married 18 months later.  The girl then told me she wanted to wait to have sex again till after she was married.  I told her good luck with that.  I wonder if she ever got married.  My point is some people will wait some wont i knew i wasn't the waiting type so i left.  You need to figure out what type the guy is in the beginning and go from there.

Eric

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 9:52:17 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: snowpea

My best guess is that you do have issues with neediness. The only reason I say this is: Not every man you meet will be the one you want to have that kind of relationship with. There are more relationship types than just Friends or Mate for life. Only you know why you see men this way. But a less rigid attitude would help you be able to have leeway.
Of course I don't want to have that kind of relationship with every man I meet. But if I don't, why should I have sex with him?
However if you cling they will run. Wouldn't you?
How is only wanting to talk to a guy on the phone 2-3 times a week and only seeing him once or twice a month clingy? I've read plenty of threads where subs expect daily contact, yet I am clingy?


Another thing I want to make clear.......I am NOT looking for marriage at this time. I am a college student and will be for another 3 years. I don't have to be married to have sex, just in a monogamous relationship. For me, this is a moral issue as well as a health concern. There has always been a double standard when it comes to sex. No, I don't think it's fair, but it's something that just is. If I went around sleeping with every man that showed interest, I'd have way too many notches on my bedpost to be thought of as anything more than an easy lay. If I'm a nut case because I haven't slept with 200 guys, then so be it. If my unwillingness to be an easy lay means I'm clingy, then I guess I'm guilty as charged.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 10:02:21 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: snowpea

Your list needs to be edited if your No.1 requirement is have a car. You need to be looking at the character of the man if you want that relationship where you feel that you can trust them with your safety and vulnerabilities. I mean Ted Bundy had a car and a job and was definetely willing to give women his address, lol. So, when you say that you have standards look at how superficial they are and realize that's why you're getting superficial jerks who don't let you know if they're married or not, who sleep with one time and all the rest of the crap you're getting... Short of beating my head on a wall, I just have to say, you get what you ask for.


I guess I shouldn't have numbered them because all are equally important. Why shouldn't it be important for a man to have a car and a job? Do you know what happens when a woman hooks up with a man with no job and no car? As her bf, he expects the right to drive her car. If he doesn't have a job, he considers any money she makes "our money." In short, she ends up supporting a lazy bum that lives off of her and uses her for her car and money. You wouldn't call a guy like that a "superficial jerk?"

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to snowpea)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 10:23:42 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I'd be interested to hear of more warning signs to look for. I welcome any suggestions on how to tell a Dom I am only willing to engage in non-sexual play until a monogamous relationship is established. Maybe there is a better way to say it. I've tried to keep it short and sweet without going into any details but it never works because they always demand to know why. I'd also like opinions on whether or not engaging in non sexual play while getting to know a Dom is a mistake. But the idea of me turning into a slut and hooking up with bums is in my opinion flat out stupid.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 11:30:41 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
My problem isn't getting my shit together. It's men that are turned off by women who don't put out, yet lose interest when they do.

LOL you've got a ton of relationships, just on this site alone, to prove that wrong.

SO the problem really is with YOU and your choices in men.

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RE: fear of sex - 7/28/2007 11:43:26 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Quite honestly, it sounds as if you have to start talking to the Doms beforehand about what you are going to expect. Maybe its just a lack of communication. Do they know that you are not going to be sexually interested until you have established a monogamous realtionship? Are they looking to have a slave or a girlfriend? Upfront honesty would take the issue out of this, motly, since they wouldnt have any question about the timeline in what things are. If they want to progress to a sexual relationship, they have to commit to monogamy. What sort of emotional commitment do you want, or is it just the sexual one?
Angel and I have been together a year come Sept 13 and we have never had sex. We have not lost interest in one another, nor have we felt it hurt the relationship we have. If sex is the basis of he relationship, or the focus, then theres a problem already. Maybe what you need to find is a Dom who is more intrested in the person he keeps and less interested in the tail he gets.

My humble opinion
DV


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VampiresLair

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 12:04:39 AM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy


I think you have some fairly serious problems that are much more significant than whether you are able to find the right guy or not....
What kind of serious problems? Although I earned a 4.0 my last three semesters in a row, my overall GPA is only a 3.87.......so I might be a little on the stupid side. Opinions vary and what one person might be opposed to, another might be stongly in favor of. I could just as easily go around saying everyone that has a different opinion than me is a nut case but I don't need to stoop to that level to boost my self esteem.

You need to get your shit together. 

You do have a point there. In my younger years I made the mistake of thinking I could have a good career in call center work. I thought if I got enough experience, I could go into management where the real money was. After 8 years of moving from call center to call center (they kept closing down), I wizened up. I'm now going for a college degree and working full time during the summer, part time during the school year. I made an error in judgement yes, but I'm not a bum with no car and no job. I have my shit together alot more than many people I run into.




My problem isn't getting my shit together. It's men that are turned off by women who don't put out, yet lose interest when they do.


Really folks, I kind of have to agree with her here. Is it so shocking what she is saying? Why are you all blaming her as if something is wrong with her for wanting to trust that if she sleeps with someone (and it cannot all be because she is not good in bed, etc.) that they might actually call her back?

I think her concern is quite legitimate and just because everyone you slept with has always called you back, have some empathy for her.

Of course we should all be works in progress, but jeez, why attack her>

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RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 12:51:01 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyRed
I think her concern is quite legitimate and just because everyone you slept with has always called you back, have some empathy for her.


It appears that everyone DBG has slept with has not called her back which is why I think people are suggesting that her criteria, while quite encompassing may need some work.  The posts seem to have offered suggestions and support as well as a healthy dose of reality.

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RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 2:33:39 AM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: snowpea

Your list needs to be edited if your No.1 requirement is have a car. You need to be looking at the character of the man if you want that relationship where you feel that you can trust them with your safety and vulnerabilities. I mean Ted Bundy had a car and a job and was definetely willing to give women his address, lol. So, when you say that you have standards look at how superficial they are and realize that's why you're getting superficial jerks who don't let you know if they're married or not, who sleep with one time and all the rest of the crap you're getting... Short of beating my head on a wall, I just have to say, you get what you ask for.


I guess I shouldn't have numbered them because all are equally important. Why shouldn't it be important for a man to have a car and a job? Do you know what happens when a woman hooks up with a man with no job and no car? As her bf, he expects the right to drive her car. If he doesn't have a job, he considers any money she makes "our money." In short, she ends up supporting a lazy bum that lives off of her and uses her for her car and money. You wouldn't call a guy like that a "superficial jerk?"


I think this quote goes a long way to showing your attitude to those that you meet. You are looking at the superficial things about people. Would you honestly turn down someone just becuase he did not have a car? If these are the things that are really important to you in a relationship then all I can say is good luck. A relationship is about the people in it not what they do or don't have materially.

I know from previous postings that you have a real problem with the monogamy issue due to past events in your life. Perhaps you need to get some professional counselling to get over those issues and help you move forward.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 11:21:24 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: snowpea

Your list needs to be edited if your No.1 requirement is have a car. You need to be looking at the character of the man if you want that relationship where you feel that you can trust them with your safety and vulnerabilities. I mean Ted Bundy had a car and a job and was definetely willing to give women his address, lol. So, when you say that you have standards look at how superficial they are and realize that's why you're getting superficial jerks who don't let you know if they're married or not, who sleep with one time and all the rest of the crap you're getting... Short of beating my head on a wall, I just have to say, you get what you ask for.


I guess I shouldn't have numbered them because all are equally important. Why shouldn't it be important for a man to have a car and a job? Do you know what happens when a woman hooks up with a man with no job and no car? As her bf, he expects the right to drive her car. If he doesn't have a job, he considers any money she makes "our money." In short, she ends up supporting a lazy bum that lives off of her and uses her for her car and money. You wouldn't call a guy like that a "superficial jerk?"


I think this quote goes a long way to showing your attitude to those that you meet. You are looking at the superficial things about people. Would you honestly turn down someone just becuase he did not have a car? If these are the things that are really important to you in a relationship then all I can say is good luck. A relationship is about the people in it not what they do or don't have materially.

I know from previous postings that you have a real problem with the monogamy issue due to past events in your life. Perhaps you need to get some professional counselling to get over those issues and help you move forward.


Let me get this straight. I have an attitude problem because I don't want some man with no car and no job living off of me. Employment and transportation are not "superficial things." They are necessities. I never said I only date men with beach front property and a $200,000/ yr income. I said a man must have a job and his own transportation. Any man in his 30's that doesn't have a car and a job is a bum. Why don't you go out and find yourself a bum to live off of you, wait six months, and then tell me how happy you are? I need professional counseling because I won't sleep with a man outside of a monogamous relationship? I can just see myself walking into a counselor's office saying I'm a nut case in need of help because I refuse to become a slut with no morals and refuse to date bums. What a joke.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

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RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 11:35:50 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I don't want some man with no car and no job living off of me.


Why do you think that everyone in relationships live off each other?  A lot of people have relationships and maintain their independence in regards to where they live and their finances. 


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(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: fear of sex - 7/29/2007 11:51:16 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think that at all. In fact, I'll probably live alone for at least the next 3 years until I'm out of college. My goal is to find a monogamous relationship while I'm in college and hopefully by the time I graduate and have myself established in my new career, I will have known the guy for long enough for things to get serious. But how is a man supposed to take a woman out if he doesn't even have a vehicle? I'm getting old. I don't have time to waste on relationships with bums that will never go anywhere. When I do get serious with a man, he will be someone who will contribute, not someone who will drag me down.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 40
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