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show of ownership - 8/10/2007 6:09:07 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

Ok, being relatively new to the lifestyle and completely new to being collared, i have a question. i'm hoping the more experienced can give me their opinions.
i've been seeing a Dom for a while and He presented me with a "training" collar earlier in the week. i accepted. He made it known that i should state on my profile that i am now owned. (i've already read the thread on the different titles and that's a whole other thing for me - i never considered myself a "slave" before but have decided it's not the title i have to be able to accept - it's the expectations). Made sense to me so i did. Then, i got to thinking (yeah i know - that in itself can get me in trouble), shouldn't He also put a disclaimer in His profile? i approached Him about this and He said, since He doesn't get contacted by women, it's not necessary. The reason He wanted me to add it was so that the men that contact me would not overstep His boundry. i think, if He were as proud to own me as i am to be owned by Him, He'd want to announce it. His suggestion was that i research it and see what i could find out.
So, here i am. If i'm expected to announce being owned, should He, in turn, announce that He owns me? Thank Y/you all in advance for any advice/views.

_____________________________

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Post #: 1

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 6:21:09 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apiercedkitty

If i'm expected to announce being owned, should He, in turn, announce that He owns me? Thank Y/you all in advance for any advice/views.

That is something that is entirely personal to you and your relationship. I suspect he hopes you will told that he can do as he pleases, but that is just me.

I do, however, agree with you. Even if he is going to take on other submissives and slaves, with your knowledge, why not be proud of what he owns and say that he owns you? Perhaps this is something to think about for you, perhaps not. For us, there was never a discussion. We just say it in our profiles because that's a part of who we are.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 2

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 6:45:38 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Hello and welcome to the Lifestyle.

I was glad to see, after checking your profile, that you complied with his wishes. You accepted his collar, I would have been concerned if you had done so then balked at such a simple command.

I expect people much more knowledgeable will have many things to say on your post. Some might not be very nice. Remember, you posed the question, so take what you can use and leave the rest. Not everyone here, no matter how wise and experienced, will have the right answer for you. Even snarky bite to the bone remarks can have value, if you can take the truth's offered and not allow the acid in them burn.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 3

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 6:52:11 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

Greetings apiercedkitty,

you have entered into a dynamic, in my opinion, in which you have to rethink the word "fair". If you use it to mean equality, you will be disapointed. A Dominant can do as they choose and you can choose to obey or leave~

edited to add: your last journal entry is pretty HOT!!

< Message edited by dawntreader -- 8/10/2007 6:54:49 AM >

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 4

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 6:54:48 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Hello and welcome to the Lifestyle.

I was glad to see, after checking your profile, that you complied with his wishes. You accepted his collar, I would have been concerned if you had done so then balked at such a simple command.

I expect people much more knowledgeable will have many things to say on your post. Some might not be very nice. Remember, you posed the question, so take what you can use and leave the rest. Not everyone here, no matter how wise and experienced, will have the right answer for you. Even snarky bite to the bone remarks can have value, if you can take the truth's offered and not allow the acid in them burn.

It may be a simple request, but having not spoken about it, what about HIS part of things? Why doesn't he put something in HIS profile about Training her? Sounds a little fishy to me, but we can't jump to conclusions without her talking to him about it.

Yes, it's expected for her to do as he wants her to. Hey, that's part of what we all do, right? But think about it. What's the first thing you think about when another -will not- put the same kind of thing in their profile if they own YOU. How would that make you feel?

It's a valid issue for her, and I'm sure for quite a few of us. I agree with Aquatic. It might be something they can come to an agreement on, but when it's an online romance, and one is not willing to put out there in a common area that they are taken (even if they ARE looking for a stable, rather than just the one), I would feel rather slighted.

I know the email ratio between men and women on this site err on the side of the woman, but I highly doubt he gets NO email whatsoever.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 5

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:00:01 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Personally, I don't view a training collar as ownership. To me that is like saying that two people that are going "steady" are married.

I also think that stating "Proudly owned by ____" is a little silly if you're trying to use it as a defense mechanism. The guys here are going to do what they're going to do. I've actually found that having "I'm collared and owned" in my profile inspired more stupidity than having nothing in my profile.

Beyond that, Master's view is that doesn't matter what any of those guys do. What matters is what I do. He knows that I'm not interested in any of those other guys and that I'll probably be harder on them than he would be.

That's just our view.

Part two is that you've committed to him, and you should do want he wants you to do (which you have). I find his explaination of why he won't put it in his profile a little slippery. It's not necessary for you to put it in your profile either (because it won't do a lick of good). His explaination is like "I don't need to shower because no one is going to look at me". Something just seems "off" about it.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 6

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:06:38 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Honestly this is an issue only you and he can sort out.

Anything else is merely our opinions of the situation and these opinions are going to vary greatly.

For example, my opinion is that a training collar equals a training dynamic and not an ownership dynamic. Also in my opinion these are all relationships at their core and it takes at least two people to be in them -- both should take responsibility for that and if one needs to make an announcement of it then why wouldn't the other one?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 7

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:08:11 AM

michelleryder

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/18/2007
Status: offline

Well i've been masters slave for over 3 years now and he's never had me on his profile. I always had owned slave on mine but it doesnt matter a dot as people don't bother reading profiles anyway so still come on to you all the time.
To me him having me on his profile doesn't matter at all and i doubt it does to most if you feel secure in your relationship.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:12:31 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelleryder

To me him having me on his profile doesn't matter at all and i doubt it does to most if you feel secure in your relationship.

So, by this definition, it shouldn't matter if it's in the submissive's profile either.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to michelleryder)

Post #: 9

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:12:43 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Well, to me, your profile is misleading and different to what you posted.
A training collar is not a collar of ownership - these are two different things unless you have both decided they are one in the same. You could be clearer in what you mean by 'collared'. You have to decide and discuss which one you are.

As for his profile, he can put whatever he likes and you have no say unless you communicated and agreed with it before you put the collar on.

Peace
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 8/10/2007 7:14:02 AM >

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 10

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:17:17 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

Very valid point... again, i claim my newbie status in this whole thing. He's the one who called it a "training" collar - but wanted me to post His ownership. It looks like i've let my naivity drag me too far into things.

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 11

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:18:08 AM

abusablepaintoy

Posts: 29
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

I typed up a really long response, but I'll avoid most of the verbiage and just recommend you sit him down and talk with him about what exactly a "training collar" means to him and what your status in the relationship is. (Are you just someone to scene and train, or is he looking for more/etc) I'd also question him about whether he is seeking additional relationships and isn't revealing his current status for whatever reason. Then, based on his answers decide if it is a situation you can deal with. If so, keep communicating with him, let him know what your boundaries are and stick by them. If you can't deal with it, let him know, negotiate for a compromise you can live with, and if you can't live with it, then move on.
Just because someone throws "Master" in front of their name doesn't give them the right to dictate what kind of relationship you are looking for and will accept - that's still your choice. That doesn't change even after you enter into a power exchange dynamic- though you may choose to accept a relationship that doesn't exactly meet your criteria, it is still your choice. But in summary - communicate, negotiate, and if all else fails move on with your head held high.

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 12

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:23:03 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abusablepaintoy

I typed up a really long response, but I'll avoid most of the verbiage and just recommend you sit him down and talk with him about what exactly a "training collar" means to him and what your status in the relationship is. (Are you just someone to scene and train, or is he looking for more/etc) I'd also question him about whether he is seeking additional relationships and isn't revealing his current status for whatever reason. Then, based on his answers decide if it is a situation you can deal with. If so, keep communicating with him, let him know what your boundaries are and stick by them. If you can't deal with it, let him know, negotiate for a compromise you can live with, and if you can't live with it, then move on.
Just because someone throws "Master" in front of their name doesn't give them the right to dictate what kind of relationship you are looking for and will accept - that's still your choice. That doesn't change even after you enter into a power exchange dynamic- though you may choose to accept a relationship that doesn't exactly meet your criteria, it is still your choice. But in summary - communicate, negotiate, and if all else fails move on with your head held high.

i have expressed to Him that i need to know what the "rules" are as i've never been in this situation. Maybe His response of "you should do things just to please Me," isn't holding water for me. *note to self - Him and i are going to have to make time to sit down and discuss this to my satisfaction - or i'll have to do some serious soul-searching to see if this is something i can do - accept His will with no regard for my own*

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to abusablepaintoy)

Post #: 13

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:23:34 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Aine, I'm quite certain her concerns are valid. Just as I'm certain that slaves, submissives and Dominants who share those valid concerns or have worked through them in the past, are a better advocate for her than I would be. I am not at all implying invalidation of her feelings.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 14

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:24:53 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

i'm collared (clearly stated in my profile) and i still get contacted by other Doms, switches and Dommes.

you can bold, red-lettered, etc that you're proudly wearing a training collar by yours and still receive messages - you'll find out that some people don't read profiles. oh about yours saying he doesn't get contacted by other women ... 9 times out of 10, he probably does - my opinion of course, but it's up to you to trust him at his word.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 15

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:26:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

These are things you need to settle through together.

And now you know these are things you need to settle through BEFORE accepting any commitments with anyone.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:28:12 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apiercedkitty

Very valid point... again, i claim my newbie status in this whole thing. He's the one who called it a "training" collar - but wanted me to post His ownership. It looks like i've let my naivity drag me too far into things.

I am going to be blunt hunni - ('tis kinda usual so don't be offended) - I don't have his side of the discussion, but what you have just said - to me - sends up red flags. If you are new, be aware that being in a training collar can be seen as less 'commiting' by some dominants. If you are owned, you are owned - full stop. For him to ask you to place something misleading in your profile doesn't paint him in the best of light quite frankly. So either he communicated badly to you, or he is fucking you over. If you desire him to put you in his profile, then you can ask him and if he had refused, then you would have the choice as to whether to accept his decision or not. But at least the choice would have been there.

My question qould be - how new is new? How long have you been seeing this man? What kind of BDSM experience or reading have you had and been doing?

Edit to add -
I have just seen the other post you made... you need to know the parametres of the relationship before you accept the collar or ask for it. It sounds like there is little communication. You would be unwise to just give yourself to someone when you have little knowledge of what is expected of you, and little discussion on what might be troubling you.

Peace
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 8/10/2007 7:32:48 AM >

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 17

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:29:49 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apiercedkitty

i have expressed to Him that i need to know what the "rules" are as i've never been in this situation. Maybe His response of "you should do things just to please Me," isn't holding water for me. *note to self - Him and i are going to have to make time to sit down and discuss this to my satisfaction - or i'll have to do some serious soul-searching to see if this is something i can do - accept His will with no regard for my own*

My personal view is that you needed to do this and more before you accepted that collar. There's a lot of things that need to get laid out on the table before you accept someone's collar, starting with the expectations for the relationship from both sides. ie: you expect it to be monogamous, he expects it to be poly. It's also a time to negotiate limits and have plans for unexpected things like pregnancy or illness. It's a time to discuss what you find morally or ethically wrong.

So many people skip this step and I think it's so valuble. It takes some of the bad expectations out of the equation.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 18

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:33:38 AM

michelleryder

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/18/2007
Status: offline

Your right it shouldn't if it's an issue to you. For me it's not.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 19

RE: show of ownership - 8/10/2007 7:34:08 AM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apiercedkitty
i've been seeing a Dom for a while and He presented me with a "training" collar earlier in the week. i accepted. He made it known that i should state on my profile that i am now owned.

So, here i am. If i'm expected to announce being owned, should He, in turn, announce that He owns me? Thank Y/you all in advance for any advice/views.

To me, a collar of training, does not imply ownership.

I compare it to test driving a car, yes you are driving it but you have not decided to buy it. It just like training for a job, either the employee or employer can terminate for any time in the training period.

Since it's a training collar, this is the time to address everything, be honest and open with your expectations, thoughts and feelings. Although I wouldn't have put ANY collar on until I knew I was ready to commit.

Luckily, your just 'engaged' and aren't 'married'. Ask questions, get clarifications, make absolutely sure you know the type of relationship you are entering.

BTW, how experienced is he?

< Message edited by SayaNereida -- 8/10/2007 7:42:06 AM >

_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...

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Post #: 20

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