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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 7:01:05 PM

LATEXBABY64

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i did not know you spoke for everyone.. maybe the left lol

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 7:14:34 PM

MadRabbit

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Just the people who have made posts in the last few days ridiculing you.

I was even being nice by ignoring the ignorant generalization you opened up with in this thread about lazy doms. I let you make a complete ass of yourself all on your own like a big boy. And this is what I get in return?

Now...run along...I am done poking you with my stick

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 8/19/2007 7:15:55 PM >

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 7:24:40 PM

Jolielaide

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To the OP: On my planet, unless a Lady is a professional, it would give me pause if there wasn't even a *little* bit of quid pro quo regarding the financial aspects of her BDSM life. I'm not referring to those for whom "financial domination" is a hot button, either, as I don't think you were in your original post.

Outside of the dungeon, if one wants a relationship to last, wouldn't courtesy cover the situation? If he invites, he buys: if I invite, I buy. If I'm in his home as a guest, isn't he as the host on the economic hook and vice versa if he's in my home?

I do think, however, when it comes to the D/s side of things, there are two things just about guaranteed to interfere with the power exchange: him footing all the bills and having participative sex either too soon or on demand. I have heard a lot of whinging over the years over the money issue, and now simply refuse to get involved in it. I don't want "tribute", "gifts" (other than the ones that are appropriate, heartfelt and freely given),"assistance" or anything else that my partner might in any way equate with having bought me, my time or my attention.

On the second point, I'm defining "participative sex" as the 'nilla stuff. I find that the Colson Principle when interpreted in a strictly sexual way is very effective at enforcing (should that be necessary) who is in control at any given time. That principle says "When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow". Besides, I do like the sound of a really good heartfelt beg, and a couple of hours of tease and deny is a pretty good way to get that canary to sing.

I think that there is an ingrained gender-based POV that if not founded on differing physiology and anatomy is certainly reinforced by it. For men, sex is usually something that they DO to another, and is external to themselves. For women it is internal and done to them. Even the language reflects the power dynamic involved. Re-directing that I would think would be seen to be just as powerful. Perhaps that's why strap-on play and "forced" bi is so popular among some Ladies and their gentlemen, as well.

Jolielaide

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 7:46:08 PM

ModeratorEleven

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Enough, children.

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 7:46:46 PM

cloudboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I'm not a professional dominatrix. I have a career in marketing, totally unrelated to kink. I also support my husband financially - he doesn't have a job or have to pay for anything.

Akasha

Yes, I know all that, but you have a Femdom BDSM business on the web. The online subs who sign up pay for you to Domme them. This, to some degree, makes you a Pro, even if its all non corporal. Looking at your sight I see: VISA IS NOW ACCEPTED!

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/19/2007 7:47:23 PM >

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 8:04:03 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I'm not a professional dominatrix. I have a career in marketing, totally unrelated to kink. I also support my husband financially - he doesn't have a job or have to pay for anything.

Akasha

Yes, I know all that, but you have a Femdom BDSM business on the web. The online subs who sign up pay for you to Domme them. This, to some degree, makes you a Pro, even if its all non corporal. Looking at your sight I see: VISA IS NOW ACCEPTED!

How sad and shortsighed that I have a web site 100% free for more than 10 years, then make it a pay site after my content is stolen and resold and minors start emailing me, and even though it accounts for .0004% of my income I am now a "pro." Nice.

Akasha

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 8:19:12 PM

Aswad

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To the OP again,

I have too limited experience with Dommes to comment, but in my experience, there is something to what BitaTrouble said, in that male dominants seem willing to accept a starting point that may be further from where they want to be, and then put in the effort to get to where they want to be, molding the sub/slave along the way. It may be an artifact of limited sample size on my part, or it could be that female subs/slaves are more adaptable than male ones, or simply a matter of Dommes being in shorter supply than male subs/slaves when compared to the opposite gender configuration. No comment on cisgendered configurations.

This observation does seem to be in line with Kimveri's comment that women are better at adapting themselves, while men are better at adapting their circumstances/surroundings. Caveat #1: Generally speaking only; I have seen exceptions to both rules on this board and elsewhere. Caveat #2: Again, I haven't got a sufficient sample to be confident in this; just commenting on what I've observed so far.

Apologies for my part in the disturbance, by the way.

Health,
al-Aswad.

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 8:31:13 PM

dreamysubmale

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I am new here and to the lifestyle in general. First attempt at posting also.

Lifestyle aside, i believe that whether you are a Dom or male submissive/slave, you should treat the opposite sex with respect, regardless whether She is a Dominant or a submissive/slave. They are Ladies after all and were i grew up,(Southern Europe) i’ve been brought up to respect all, regardless of gender, status or age. This is my belief by the way and weather you are a submissive man or a Dom, it’s only appropriate to show respect. It’s unmanly and ungentlemanly to do otherwise. So carrying her shopping to and from the car opening doors, light her cigarette, pull up her chair, pay for dinner or drinks etc; regardless whether she’s a Domme or sub doesn’t make you any less of a Dom/sub. It’s called manners. If it’s a friendship and we both decided to go out for dinner then i expect us to go double Dutch (split the bill), maybe i contribute extra for the wine and if i decided i loved her company and invite her to dinner then i expect to foot the bill and vis versa. I would never contribute to a Dommes keep. Where is the respect on that? I would in a LTR and if i am the sole income earner. It’s not different from a vanilla relationship. But it’s nice every so often for the Lady to spoil Her man/sub/slave and take him out for dinner, for drinks, maybe buy him a shirt etc…it’s good for the health of the relationship …it just draws you that much closer…it’s the intimacy of the act if you know what i mean. It makes the man feel that much more special.

I hope you excuse my grammar as English isn’t my mother language.

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 8:50:06 PM

jdtallfem

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Hmmm, hearing from subs/slaves when you are sick or in trouble. Interesting. That is how I fell in love and married my alpha/sub mix husband for 22 years. Hurt my back on the job and he came over and never left. He took care of me, waited on me hand and foot, took me to the doctor, and gave me great back massages.
Now, many years later, I was in an auto accident. Back injury happened again. The sub I saw that day never even called. A lot of notes from subs, but not with the same intensity. Not the same sort of service or servitude.
Probably why I'm still looking. A truly "great" sub/slave who really "gets it" is hard to find. Its about great sex, you bet, lets go there, but it's about genuine caring, too.

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 9:11:41 PM

CuriousLord

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Yeah, I get the feeling that lazy (and leeching) Domme syndrom is far more common than lazy Dom syndrom.

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 9:38:42 PM

Aswad

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Would you care to elaborate on that, CuriousLord?

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 9:49:07 PM

CuriousLord

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Meh, sure. (Just not a subject I've overly interested in.)

Out of the profiles I've seen, a notably higher ratio of female Dom profiles have been what I would consider as falling under the "lazy Dom syndrome" than male profiles. Relying on the submissive (or multiple submissives) as a source of income, particularly as a primary source of income, is the primary identifier for "lazy Dom syndrome" in my considerations. A strong secondary identifier is reliance on the sub outside of financial considerations, though excluding emotional considerations. This is to say a Dom who relies on a sub to take care of, pamper, or manage him.

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/19/2007 11:13:32 PM

SusanofO

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I know there is difference between what Curious Lord is referring to, and men in general complaining about being "financially exploited" by a woman simply because she expects him to pay for a date.

Maybe it is my age, or my upbringing but - I find these guys and their comments to be slightly creepy (and if they are Dominants, well - anything but Dominant. If they are male submissives, then I find them to be just whiny).

It makes me want to run away, and never come back. It's not a real attractive thing to see (to me). Is it too much to expect someone to take you to dinner at a nice restaurant? If it is, then I don't wanna know these guys. Hey, I'll go Dutch - after I trust someone, and IF I like them. I'll even take them on dates, and pay for them, too - plus buy them gifts - But - that comes later. Sorry if this seems "inequitable." It is. Oh well.

Just my two cents.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 11:21:17 PM >

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/20/2007 1:30:13 AM

MaamJay

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As a Domme I have paid for a male sub to fly for a visit, simply because I had more money than he did. I have paid for drinks on first meeting simply because it pleased Me to do so, or was easier for one to pay the bill or I had eaten whereas he had not. I don't expect him to pay for Me, if he offers nicely and insists politely, I may allow it graciously.

As a sub, i am more easily employed at a higher income level than Master, therefore to a large part, i support Him. i do so willingly and in return, He willingly helps me with some home businesses and with care of the house which lightens my load. He will do all the heavy work, vacuuming and mopping which i greatly appreciate! And He does all the pet care including the mucky work, which i also appreciate. For U/us, this is a life partnership and W/we both contribute what W/we can.

When My new fem sub comes to stay to recuperate from major surgery, she won't be able to do much at all at first. I will be doing all it takes to enhance her recovery. I have asked her to contribute something towards the added expenses, what she is able to put in will cover her food and something towards utilities. W/we are both happy with this, she would not have agreed to come if I'd not let her contribute as she's frightened she will already feel like a burden. I would have done exactly the same if it was a male sub.

In summary, I think it's a bit of a broad sweep to portray all (or even most/a lot) femme Dommes as financial leeches who deny their subs sexually, regard them as an accessory etc ... I know the OP said that's an extreme but seemed to think it was fairly common ... I would say it's more extreme than any femme Dommes I've met in real. And neither is it necessarily the norm for the male Dom to support His girl financially and keep her tied to the home domestically ... I'm sure it happens, but not all are comfortable with that. In reality there are probably infinite variations along the continuum ... and every D/s relationship carves out its own little niche that fits.

Interesting thread though SM.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/20/2007 3:47:18 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

Um, you mean there are male dominants out there that pay for stuff? I'd like to meet a few.

Having been owned by two male dominants in the past and currently being owned by the third, well, all i want to ask is where are you meeting the dominants you described?

My two who are in the wind now both worked, both contributed to the household finances though i worked as well. And i handled all the household finances, period. I also made more money than the second one did. They both contributed an agreed upon amount and i carried the rest.

My current Master works but keeps me home, and he handles all the finances. And he pretty much gives me what i ask for, though not being a wanting person the only place i ever do any real damage is if he leaves me alone in a greenhouse.

Initially this made me very uncomfortable but i have learned to accept it as that is his desire.

I know quite a few subbie women, most of whom work and contribute to the household. But their dominant males work as well and generally control the finances.

I know a few dominant women and of those i know only a small percentage work and keep their male subs at home. Though an equally small percentage of the Dommes stay home while their male subs work.

And let's not discount the fact that maintaining a home, keeping up the yard, cooking, cleaning, laundry and raising unmentionables are valuable contributions even if they bring in no income. If you had to pay somebody to do those things most simply could not afford to do so.

Personally i do not care what you are in a given household, Dom, sub, switch, or dog, everybody should be doing something that contributes to the household in one way or another. Simply being the dominant or the submissive is not something i view as being a sufficient contribution, that is who or what you are, not what you do to contribute to the maintenance, finances, upkeep of a home.

The exception being for cats due to their nature.

I guess perhaps i am too much of a biker, ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.

I abhor laziness no matter what you name yourself.

quote:

Male Doms are arguably trying to compensate for the fact that they don't have the sexual power buy finding women who like to surrender that to them. Women, though, have it in the first place.

Lol, i know a lot of subbie women who crave/need sex as much if not more than the male Doms do, myself included.

PS; MaamJay, that is a lovely outfit on you.

< Message edited by Twicehappy2x -- 8/20/2007 4:28:29 AM >

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/20/2007 5:57:44 AM

petdave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy
I found that I still basically ran the show because the pussy runs the show.

And three pages into the thread, we finally reach the heart of the matter! Come on, gentlemen... y'all are old enough to be on this site- you should have learned this by now!

Do we have to buy all the women "I have the PUSSY, I make the rules!" T-shirts so you don't keep forgetting?

IMO, the "men make more money for the same work" argument only has relevance if both parties in the relationship in question have the same educational background and experience, and are doing the same job at the same company for different wages. Otherwise, it's just more background noise... Would you expect that in a mixed-race relationship or courtship, the person of the statistically wealthier race should pay all the bills? If you've got an associate's degree from a technical school and own your own plumbing business, would you expect a partner with a four-year (liberal arts!

) degree who's waiting tables to pay all the bills because people with four-year degrees statistically earn more? So let's toss that one, 'kay?

Honestly, what surprises me isn't so much the retention of traditional sexual roles in both heterosexual dynamics (you think generations of tradition, and arguably biological imperative, are easy to just set aside?) with regards to money, who-chases-who, and sex. What surprises me (as i seem to recall the OP noticing in housebitch's thread last week) is the difference in the respect and common courtesy given to the different roles by their complementary partners... IMO, it goes way beyond the disparities of tradition, and even supply-and-demand. At least, that's the way it looks from the bottom of the totem pole

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/20/2007 6:28:42 AM

cloudboy

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Yes, Akasha, that's the way it is. One get's defined by what she does now, not what she did before. Although you many not see yourself as a pro, others (with a factual basis) do.

A public interest lawyer who transfers into the corporate sector becomes a corporate lawyer. Its not "shortsighted" for someone to call him a "corporate lawyer." Its just the facts. Is there a deeper story? Always.

There really aren't a maledom equivalents of either your or Diana Vesta, which kind of goes to the heart of this this thread.

Maledom's don't run fee based websites for women because woman don't pay for sex or BDSM. Maledom's have to take a different approach with women, and this all applicable to simplymichael's question.

I'm in Grlwithboy's camp, namely that "the pussy" holds the power.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/20/2007 6:36:09 AM >

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/20/2007 6:32:52 AM

StellaByStarlite

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I actually lke the idea of taking a man to dinner, and paying the bill, bringing him flowers, and plying his innocent, unsuspecting self with alcohol so I can then "just use" him. I think it's cool. Plus - I'll respect him in the morning, too (I promise. Really).

I will demand sex as repayment for my financial support. Fun for all (seriously - it would be fun, dontcha think?). Wow. I can't wait. When do I start? He. hehe.

- Susan

Oh, I think deep down inside, many of the hardcore-iest Domliest macho men out there would be touched by such a gesture. =)

That does sound like fun! <checks calender>

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/20/2007 8:39:44 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I actually lke the idea of taking a man to dinner, and paying the bill, bringing him flowers, and plying his innocent, unsuspecting self with alcohol so I can then "just use" him. I think it's cool. Plus - I'll respect him in the morning, too (I promise. Really).

Oh, I think deep down inside, many of the hardcore-iest Domliest macho men out there would be touched by such a gesture. =)

That does sound like fun!

Lmao....guilty of all of the above. And.......

It is fun!!!!! Bad me!!!!

The two i have done any of the above were really touched too, grins, domly does not mean without feelings.

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RE: Difference between male and female dominance - 8/20/2007 9:16:00 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Yes, Akasha, that's the way it is. One get's defined by what she does now, not what she did before. Although you many not see yourself as a pro, others (with a factual basis) do.

A public interest lawyer who transfers into the corporate sector becomes a corporate lawyer. Its not "shortsighted" for someone to call him a "corporate lawyer." Its just the facts. Is there a deeper story? Always.

There really aren't a maledom equivalents of either your or Diana Vesta, which kind of goes to the heart of this this thread.

Maledom's don't run fee based websites for women because woman don't pay for sex or BDSM. Maledom's have to take a different approach with women, and this all applicable to simplymichael's question.

I'm in Grlwithboy's camp, namely that "the pussy" holds the power.

Your lawyer analogy, if you can call it that, is about someone changing careers. Kink is not my career. Marketing is my career. You seem to miss that point, and it's a fairly significant one.

Akasha

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