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Stephann -> Discipline, Punishment, and a Crazy lil thing called Love (8/24/2007 8:02:45 PM)
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Usual caveats. This is just my opinion; it's probably not right for you, so stop reading it already. It is not intended for training, application, practice, or any other use. It was probably just a typing exercise on my part, and anything foolish you do to yourselves or someone you love based on these thoughts, is entirely your own idiot fault.
I think one of the most difficult tasks, is to punish/discipline in a D/s relationship effectively, in a manner that brings about the change the dominant desires, without causing undue or unnecessary damage. Anyone who's tried to open a stubborn jar by slamming it on the counter might know this. One hit, and it might not open. Two hits, and it might shatter. What's the answer? Obviously, the actual answer will depend on the people involved, how aggressive the dominant is in the act, and how susceptible the submissive is to being hurt in the process.
In my own style, I don't usually attempt to seriously discipline a girl I do not actually love. I've found I can be excessively harsh, with a girl I don't care enough about, so I simply avoid doing it, or if I feel the need I try to do it as I might with an acquaintance or casual friend; gently, and without any expectation that my 'advice' will be adhered to.
In disciplining someone I love, I've learned the key is to focus on the goal and task at hand; to ensure whatever situation just occurred, does not happen again. This means if my slave happens to fail miserably at cooking my bosses favorite meal, and I hate the dish myself as well... it's probably not worth disciplining her over (never mind that she'd probably beat herself up over it worse than I could; this theme will be explored later.) If the offense is simply not severe or common enough to warrant 'fixing' than it's probably not worth getting under the hood and getting dirty. Unlike 'play', I find 'less is best.' Actively looking for reasons to correct and punish my slave is just a waste of effort on my part, and likely to keep her skittish and afraid to act on her own (at best.) I also don't tend to punish for unintentional mistakes; I might mention it, just so that she can work on making sure it doesn't happen, at most.
So, correction is needed. There's a few techniques that can be used. I don't really enjoy any of them myself, but like you would with a child, starting with the 'lecture' or the 'reminder' is a good start. Obviously, it depends on the severity of the situation; for me, lying is the sort of infringement that nearly blows the roof off, while disobedience can be on the heels (though obviously, we're talking about scale here; I obviously wouldn't punish a girl for lying, to hide my surprise birthday party, or disobeyed me in order to save a drowning cat.) I remember telling gretchen not to move once, while standing in front of a prepared meal on the stove. She was hungry, and I knew it. I was going to use the bathroom to wash my hands quickly.... but had a feeling. Sure enough, I caught her, like a cat with a bird in her mouth. I think I spanked her about thirty times. There was no need for a 'discussion' or 'lecture' in this case.
What mattered most, though, wasn't 'what' I did to punish her. What mattered, was that after I had spanked her (yes, quite aggressively; she didn't end up on the floor over my knee on her own volition) was that I still provided some aftercare. I let her ball up and cry, I checked her over to make sure I hadn't hit any harder than I intended, and most importantly, I explained to her why she was punished. For her, she would later say it wasn't the spankings, but the reminders of her mistake each time she felt it that hurt the most. I could haver probably caned her with the same effect. I think this is the value punishment carries; it allows an externalized reaction, and physical manifestation of the mistake. It takes a vague concept of 'obedience' and gives it real teeth. It also takes that mistake, and sets it to rest. She never forgot that lesson, and never disobeyed me in that way again. But I know if I had not taken 20 minutes afterwards to really talk to her, and listen to her like as the woman I loved, it would have only hurt her.
So, sum up.
- Make sure punishment is absolutely necessary.
- Never punish in anger
- Use the minimum level you feel appropriate.
- Apply firmly. She probably won't learn much if you spank her with a feather duster. Do whatever you're going to do, and mean it.
- Provide aftercare, both physical and mental. The punishment may not have been corporal, but that doesn't mean she's not hurting.
- Talk about the event. Show her you care/love/feel/empathize. Show her that she's more than just a whipped dog to you.
Good luck,
Stephan
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