quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez
I am sorry for this rant but I get sick and tired of the constant stereotyping done that this life is has vastly different things in it then normal relationships and submissive is always being written to like we are naive and too stupid to have common sense.

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

The problem with all this poor newbies need to be protected crap is because so many people, and I think do it mostly subconsciously, try to make this way of life “special” and “different” therefore must dismissed what all other human beings and relationships are also about which in truth is pretty much the same thing. So Red Flags in this life are exactly the same Red Flags in regular old vanilla life. It is what makes a person uncomfortable it is manipulations to make someone be or do something they would not do if healthy whether consciously or subconsciously.

The truth is that whether male or female and dominant or submissive or not even in the life itself there are people who are mentally healthy and can make good decisions for themselves and mentally unhealthy people who cannot and/or are abusive or susceptible to abuse and it has zero to do with the level of experience or eliminated by a set of instructions and guidelines.

To use the OP example the dominant telling someone they have not earned his love is not a loser because he is dominant, he was a loser before he ever knew of the life and it does not matter if he is in the life. A healthy submissive will laugh him off and an unhealthy submissive may or may not buy it. Guess what though, this thing can and does happen in the vanilla world as well and that is why these must protect newbie crap sounds noble but all it really serves is look how wise and brilliant I am.

If you want to protect people instead of making lists and spreading fear that promotes this very false stereotype of new equals stupid and dangerous and old and experience equals safe and wise why not tell the actual truth. There are no fool proof rules and guidelines that guarantee happiness and safety and you cannot EVER tell if you are in contact whether online or in a local community with someone trustworthy or a dangerous abuser by their age, so called experience or memorizing how to lists.

As Ron White said “You can’t fix stupid”. When you try it comes off badly. The mentally healthy get insulted and the mentally unhealthy ignore it anyway. Treat people like you want to be treated and I am guessing anyone reading this means not like you are naïve, weak and stupid. I am sorry for this rant but I get sick and tired of the constant stereotyping done that this life is has vastly different things in it then normal relationships and submissive is always being written to like we are naive and too stupid to have common sense.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez
I am sorry for this rant but I get sick and tired of the constant stereotyping done that this life is has vastly different things in it then normal relationships and submissive is always being written to like we are naive and too stupid to have common sense.

I get sick of it too, and in a perfect world we wouldn't even need to have such conversations. But it's not a perfect world and the reality is that every single day we see the newbies on here and in our local communities who seem to lose every shred of common sense. I still have yet to understand the reason for this phenomenon...but it isn't uncommon. They come rushing in like fools and buy into all the mantras that are perpetuated over and over by the utterly clueless. Wish I could honestly say that this is not often the case....but it is.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Wolf,

We ARE being constructive, it is YOU who are being destructive.  WE expect people to be adults, you want them to be children needing protection, your's of course by the way.  WE expect people to be responsible for their own actions, you want them to be dependent on others.  WE expect people to take charge of their own growth,  you want them to look to you for wisdom.

Teaching someone that they don't have the answers and shouldn't trust themselves to make decisions but should instead look for some guru such as yourself is exactly the path that leads people to make poor relationship choices. 

Sure they make a few mistakes, but most of those are minor, broken hearts mend but more importantly, by allowing them and encouraging them to make their own choices they learn they ARE in charge of their own life and they no longer need some guru telling them which way is up.  Learning that lesson is well worth a skinned knee or two.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

I opoligize if you felt I was saying submissives are stupid. In fact I do not feel this way at all and had no self motivated reason for this post except to pose a question that was posed to me. I felt many opinions would be better then one.  I have no hero or saviour complex. I live my life by a few simple rules. Do on to others as you would like done on to you, If a friend is in need a true friend helps if it is possible, and do nothing in life that dishonors or diminishes your integrity.

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Wolf,

We ARE being constructive, it is YOU who are being destructive.  WE expect people to be adults, you want them to be children needing protection, your's of course by the way.  WE expect people to be responsible for their own actions, you want them to be dependent on others.  WE expect people to take charge of their own growth,  you want them to look to you for wisdom.

Teaching someone that they don't have the answers and shouldn't trust themselves to make decisions but should instead look for some guru such as yourself is exactly the path that leads people to make poor relationship choices. 

Sure they make a few mistakes, but most of those are minor, broken hearts mend but more importantly, by allowing them and encouraging them to make their own choices they learn they ARE in charge of their own life and they no longer need some guru telling them which way is up.  Learning that lesson is well worth a skinned knee or two.

I would agree with this if it weren't for one thing. Say a sub learns from a skinned knee or two, becomes wiser and attempts to move on, only to find that no Dom wants her. I'm sure you can guess why no Dom wants to get to know her.. Because of those scraped knees, she is considered used goods. She has "baggage." You always talk about how you hate drama. So why do you think subs need to get hurt to learn lessons? So you and other Doms have more subs to turn down because of the same drama and baggage you say they need to experience?

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Wolf,

We ARE being constructive, it is YOU who are being destructive.  WE expect people to be adults, you want them to be children needing protection, your's of course by the way.  WE expect people to be responsible for their own actions, you want them to be dependent on others.  WE expect people to take charge of their own growth,  you want them to look to you for wisdom.

Teaching someone that they don't have the answers and shouldn't trust themselves to make decisions but should instead look for some guru such as yourself is exactly the path that leads people to make poor relationship choices. 

Sure they make a few mistakes, but most of those are minor, broken hearts mend but more importantly, by allowing them and encouraging them to make their own choices they learn they ARE in charge of their own life and they no longer need some guru telling them which way is up.  Learning that lesson is well worth a skinned knee or two.

I would agree with this if it weren't for one thing. Say a sub learns from a skinned knee or two, becomes wiser and attempts to move on, only to find that no Dom wants her. I'm sure you can guess why no Dom wants to get to know her.. Because of those scraped knees, she is considered used goods. She has "baggage." You always talk about how you hate drama. So why do you think subs need to get hurt to learn lessons? So you and other Doms have more subs to turn down because of the same drama and baggage you say they need to experience?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure KY

Fast Reply:

Wow... I never realized the utter futility of these forums before.  I mean, it should be obvious as no one ever comes to Collar Me with any uncertainty or in need of advice.  We're all intelligent and rational adults at all times, of course... fully experienced in life.   That should transfer perfectly to this place since everything about BDSM/M/s/D/s/WIITWD is all simply common sense and completely relatable to every other experience we might have in our lives.  After all, it's not like there's anything different about this lifestyle and the workings of it... especially when it comes to interactions online... everyone should burst forth onto this scene fully knowledgeable about all the possibilities and nuances, shouldn't they? 

lol... It seem so obvious now.  Offering advice of any kind is so pointless.  Only people who are complete morons ever make mistakes or misunderstand.  Everyone knows that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I just started my own thread about how men react to women that learn the hard way and how people who try to help are bashed. I thought mentors were supposed to be respected, but that's not what I'm seeing here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

Thank you, MstrSkyWoIf for this post.  (Especially  with all the predatory e-mails out there)
New subs need to know that they have to be smart and empowered in this type of relationship, even more so than a normal relationship.  Fake ones out there who just use subs to get what they want which is basically an easy lay, abuse them by manipulating them to think they are supposed to give consent even when its a hard limit (playing on a new subs lack of information and need to please) by saying that's what "real subs" do to get a woman they can walk all over and use without their honest persmission. 

If a dom wants you to instantly 100% trust him in the name of BDSM (like singing the lyrics of Elvis' "Suspicious Minds" song to you) after knowing him JUST a week, day, or maybe within just the past hour, ehrrm... well that's my RED FLAG 

Artist: Elvis Presley
Song: Suspicious Minds
We're caught in a trap, I can't walk out, Because I love you too much baby

Why can't you see, What you're doing to me, When you don't believe a word I say?

We can't go on together, With suspicious minds, And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

So, if an old friend I know, Drops by to say hello, Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again, Asking where I've been, You can't see these tears are real, I'm crying

We can't go on together, With suspicious minds, And be can't build our dreams,
On suspicious minds

Oh let our love survive, Or dry the tears from your eyes, Let's don't let a good thing die

When honey, you know, I've never lied to you, Mmm yeah, yeah

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I just started my own thread about how men react to women that learn the hard way and how people who try to help are bashed. I thought mentors were supposed to be respected, but that's not what I'm seeing here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez


Would it have been so hard to just write “let’s have a list of red flags that dominants say that is an alarm to us instead”? 

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

To the OP. You're doing a good thing. Don't let all the negative posts get you down. I wish more people on here had your attitude.