quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Okay...okay...okay...

I'll be serious...

Any mentioning of a dog's penis.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

Ok this post is going to be a little different it is not about one person it is a bout a group of people. This group is those submissives who are new. The ones most often hurt by the players and posers in the lifestyle and on this site. The ones victimized by so called Doms and Masters that expect total un questions obedience from the start. Lets put posts here to help those new to the lifestyle recognize the signs that are obvious to those of us who have been around so those who are new can see them. The read flags if you will that say pass on this person.... 

Lets post short examples of red flags they should look for... lets help them heal and learn so they don't just want to run off and hide.

A good example of what I am talking about would be If a Dom/Master is always telling you it is your fault he did not make you feel cared for or secure in the relationship because you did not earn it.

or It is your fault as the sub that I am unable to commit to anything in our relationship...

or he says I never said I loved you because you never earned it

Ok now let the fun begin

quote:

But I think and I know what I am writing it is not advice that is being bashed but it is in the tone of how the advice is given.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

how the newbie sub jumps at the slightest noise.  I'm afraid if we continue to stress You have a cute way of putting things but I in no way was saying new or old subs are in any way stupid. In fact the very sub friend I was talking about in this thread happens to be very intelligent. But she also happens to be very submissive by nature and upbringing.

I don't get why everyone is so sarcastic the fact is there are many predators out there on this site and they in fact prey on the inexperienced. They talk a good talk and manipulate facts and in doing so have hurt many some to appoint they just stop trying to find there way in this lifestyle.  I think those of us who have been around for a few years tend to forget what it was like when you first discovered we where not strange for having the feelings we do.  

This thread like most on here is not even addressing the original reason it was started. It  has just turned into an argument over who knows more then who or whose opinion is more correct. It is like a bunch of kids fighting over who knows all the answers. Truth is none of us does we are all learning and always will be. anyone who says they know it all is in dead someone to avoid.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

Ok this post is going to be a little different it is not about one person it is a bout a group of people. This group is those submissives who are new. The ones most often hurt by the players and posers in the lifestyle and on this site. The ones victimized by so called Doms and Masters that expect total un questions obedience from the start. Lets put posts here to help those new to the lifestyle recognize the signs that are obvious to those of us who have been around so those who are new can see them. The read flags if you will that say pass on this person.... 

Lets post short examples of red flags they should look for... lets help them heal and learn so they don't just want to run off and hide.

A good example of what I am talking about would be If a Dom/Master is always telling you it is your fault he did not make you feel cared for or secure in the relationship because you did not earn it.

or It is your fault as the sub that I am unable to commit to anything in our relationship...

or he says I never said I loved you because you never earned it

Ok now let the fun begin

Red Flag - People who cannot take constructive critique (no matter how harshly given or softly stated) without calling foul and claim they are being picked on and bashed for doing a 'seemingly' good deed.
 
The thing a person notices is that you didn't choose to discuss red flags persay, but in the OP and following earlier posts, made it about warning new submissives against the big ole bad dominants red flags.  What about the red flags for switches?  Or kajira?  Or male submissives?  Or Dominants, Masters and Mistress'?  And submissives who have been practising BDSM for many, many years still get hurt and go through the same problems and new ones?  And what exactly is 'new'.Possibly, if you have broadened your question, you wouldn't have become judged on what you wrote, but rather on what you (possibly) meant.
 
You must also remember that on any forum, you get people who have been around for a while and see these exact posts all the time - and it can be a red flag to some people.  And seeing as red flags are what the OP is about, it seems perfectly reasonable that people may mention this in answer to your original question.
 
Do not see it as a personal attack, but rather, a constructive thought on the question.
 
Peace
the.dark.

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

quote:

But I think and I know what I am writing it is not advice that is being bashed but it is in the tone of how the advice is given.

And along with the points you raise, there is the not so subtle positioning of himself as the White Knight riding in on his stallion to protect the poor, defenseless young maidens. The cynic in me sees that as the biggest red flag of all, because posing as the protector is the ideal tactic for a predator to find the soft headed girls who believe they need such "help".

As for where this attitude comes from, well I kinda think it is coming from the same place that spawned Castlesrealm and other fairyland portrayals of kink. But I also wonder if there might be a grain of truth to it -- I suspect that the proportion of co-dependent and dysfunctional folks may be overweighted around here because they hear about D/s and think "Oh, that describes me!"; however they fail to see (or wouldn't understand) more accurate descriptions of their conditions in psychology texts that might spur them to seek treatment instead. So we end up with a lot of crackpots claiming to be kinky because they don't fit in anywhere else, and they perpetuate the stereotype of weak, stupid subs because it fits their fucked up lives perfectly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I admire you for your concern of subs being taken advantage of. Not only are many subs taken advantage of, even worse once this has happened, potential new Doms avoid the sub like the plague refusing to even get to know her because they say she has baggage.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazy C

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

how the newbie sub jumps at the slightest noise.  I'm afraid if we continue to stress You have a cute way of putting things but I in no way was saying new or old subs are in any way stupid. In fact the very sub friend I was talking about in this thread happens to be very intelligent. But she also happens to be very submissive by nature and upbringing.

I don't get why everyone is so sarcastic the fact is there are many predators out there on this site and they in fact prey on the inexperienced. They talk a good talk and manipulate facts and in doing so have hurt many some to appoint they just stop trying to find there way in this lifestyle.  I think those of us who have been around for a few years tend to forget what it was like when you first discovered we where not strange for having the feelings we do.  

This thread like most on here is not even addressing the original reason it was started. It  has just turned into an argument over who knows more then who or whose opinion is more correct. It is like a bunch of kids fighting over who knows all the answers. Truth is none of us does we are all learning and always will be. anyone who says they know it all is in dead someone to avoid.

Ok, so she is smart and intelligent, but she still can't make choices? As a submissive, I sure take that as..."because she is submissive she isn't smart." You forget that there are also predators out there in the vanilla world, and you don't see men out trying to "protect" women from these big bad wolves. I am sorry if you take my sarcasm as being mean, but it gets old when you hear it over and over. The whole protector thing gets old, and i haven't met one man who didn't have ulterior motives in doing it. These "protectors" were only around when i first got in the scene, and if they try to get to know me now quickly disappear when they realize i have my own mind.

The only ground rules i needed and received, which were from this awful place of collarme, where to always meet in a public place, no play the first date, and no tying up until you know he is the truth. Have more then just his email address, and no you don't HAVE to have sex with them. (Note these are all rules that i already knew from online dating in the vanilla world.)

So i am wondering how you are going to stop her from her own mistakes? You can give her guild lines, but unless you are right there with her as she reads emails, and goes on dates....there is no way for you to do this. She is human, and like all of us have things that only can be worked out except through experiencing it, getting heart broken, picking ourselves up, and trying again. In fact, you trying to protect her could stop her from going through this growth, and cause more of a handicap in the long run. (It's call co-dependent.)

So if you really want to help, be there as a friend and nothing more. Or call it what it is....you like her and are trying to be important to her in being something she might let you be, since she might not like you for your age.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I believe red flags are pretty much subjective, yet extend to all - if that makes any sense.
In other words, a red flag depends on a persons ideals, morals etc - but then they extend to everyone in an external sense.  So an example is if a person demands sex on a first meeting - that could be a red flag to someone - regardless if they are dominant, submissive, gay, female... etc... so I believe broadening the question wouldn't create confusion.  A red flag is a red flag regardless of orientation.
 
I wouldn't take it too personally.  It is just that people are people and if they aren't capable of identifying their own red flags, then they shouldn't be practising BDSM or any relationship - understanding yourself and why you do things or accept things first is a great way of being able to see those red flags and save oneself from an awful lot of hurt and 'whys' in the future.
 
Besides, the baptism of the Collarme fire and surviving it, is kind of a right of passage on the board...
 
Peace
the.dark.

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

I wasn't gonna say anything on this thread....BUT, (LOL) i personally am glad some people care enough to say something about "what to watch out for".....There are red flags that are unique to this life style. I frankly didn't know about some of them until i started to actually meet people and so forth...It would have been nice to know some of the stuff i learned AFTER the fact, when i 1st started meeting potential partners. I got my feet wet on a different site, not nearly as "nice" as this one....so i truly did have a baptism by fire....it was AWFUL to be honest...and left me pretty banged up and "gun shy." So....yes i think telling new ones about some stuff sleazy wanna be dons will try is a good thing...and telling new doms about what some sleazy wanna be subs will do is also a good thing....Now if the new ones listen?...well that's on them isn't it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Perplex

Wolf, I think I get the fact you were originally posting to do a good thing. to me I didn't get a hidden agenda or red flag in what you wrote, so I wouldn't worry about keeping people happy.  They are going to have their opinions and they are absolutely right for them

the problem does come in when you automatically assume the white knight role...now having a bad case of this myself I kinda feel mostly qualified to offer some insight.  There are so many rotten people out in the world who will use every trick trap and device to get what they want, including coming across as a white knight...and even when it's honest it is sometimes there to cover a lack of a personal integrity or depth or worse insecurity.  There is nothing wrong with a Dom being insecure but they gotta be in control of it, they can't hide it under the white knight rock and hoping it goes away (not that is what I think you are doing, so please don't take it as an implication)

but if you are going to be in honest control of somebody else, you gotta be in the same kind of control of yourself, and you can't afford to have lose physic threads hanging loose which can unravel a relationship/scene...most scenes can be stressful you add that kind of element to the stress and you can end up with a shitstorm nobody intended at the beginning of the day.  (again I keep saying you, but I don't mean you = wolf, but you = a hypothetical)

so that's why so many people pulled you over the barrel in response, most of them I think had valid and good motives but lets face it some of them were nattering to see if you'd cry or rage in reaction to see what kind of person you were.  If you are one of the good guys, then stay under your white hat and be yourself, if you're not then fuck you dude *grin*

and as a little bird told me, never assume someone needs saving, people have to jump their own hurdles if they ask for help you can give it but jumping in early will never let them finish the race. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

Quick reply:

If people stopped submitting to screen names, stopped cyber subbbing, stopped calling themselves slaves after knowing a guy online for 10 days and treated meetng men online like they do offline..you know trust but verify, we wouldn't need posts like this. Where is the fire? What is the rush to get into a relationship? It can takes years to know someone, why don't people try going out to dinner and just talking, or just talking online, leave the D/s stuff out, leave the sex stuff out...just interact like people, if there is a genuine power disparity between you it will become clear over time....or if you are going to engage in online subbing and sexual interactions BEFORE you establish a solid relationship...own that. Be a grown up and own it. If you get hurt I'd wager 95% of the time maybe more all the signs were there.

How can you help them heal? Suggest they stop being desperate for a relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

I was hoping to put in one place a way for others to learn and understand there misconceptions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

And along with the points you raise, there is the not so subtle positioning of himself as the White Knight riding in on his stallion to protect the poor, defenseless young maidens. The cynic in me sees that as the biggest red flag of all, because posing as the protector is the ideal tactic for a predator to find the soft headed girls who believe they need such "help".