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ORIGINAL: Squeakers

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ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

I was hoping to put in one place a way for others to learn and understand there misconceptions.

    What misconceptions are you speaking of?   Because your idea of the lifestyle may not be another's idea so if it doesn't match your idea of the lifestyle then it is a misconception?

You asked for Red Flags, For me a huge red flag would be a Dom who wants an  intelligent conversation yet I can not understand half of what he has written because I can not decipher the spelling errors, grammar mistakes and typos.  
Another one would be anyone who is worried that I would be scarred for life because I was hurt, abused and molested by an online Dom.   And the last red flag would be a Dom who so much time on his hands that he can post  enough comments in his first day so he can FINALLY get that well deserved 'paddle' to add to the rest of his online toy collection.    

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ORIGINAL: xoxi

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ORIGINAL: happypervert

And along with the points you raise, there is the not so subtle positioning of himself as the White Knight riding in on his stallion to protect the poor, defenseless young maidens. The cynic in me sees that as the biggest red flag of all, because posing as the protector is the ideal tactic for a predator to find the soft headed girls who believe they need such "help".

Oh it's not just the cynic in you, I for one thought the exact same thing when I read the OP.  It's more subtle than a personal ad saying "SWM seeks emotionally damaged females to shelter from the big bad world" but not by much.

I think the biggest red flag to remember is your own comfort level.  Even if someone says "all submissives get naked on webcam when ordered to" you have to stop and think, well if that's what this person expects,  is this the person for me?  We're all adults, and we seem to have a pretty good idea of the type of person we're compatible with. Like someone else said, red flags are pretty obvious....the problem is when people are lonely, and want to have faith so much that they force themselves to ignore the flags.

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ORIGINAL: xoxi

Actually no, I have no idea why you post in the forums, and I've never noticed you before you posted the OP.  I'm simply replying to the demeanor that came through in the OP.

If I'm wrong, and you aren't the type of person who enjoys sheltering and healing those who are emotionally damaged, then I'm wrong.  I apologize.  Either way though I think I just realized why this thread is 5 pages long LOL

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ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

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ORIGINAL: Squeakers

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ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

I was hoping to put in one place a way for others to learn and understand there misconceptions.

    What misconceptions are you speaking of?   Because your idea of the lifestyle may not be another's idea so if it doesn't match your idea of the lifestyle then it is a misconception?

You asked for Red Flags, For me a huge red flag would be a Dom who wants an  intelligent conversation yet I can not understand half of what he has written because I can not decipher the spelling errors, grammar mistakes and typos.  
Another one would be anyone who is worried that I would be scarred for life because I was hurt, abused and molested by an online Dom.   And the last red flag would be a Dom who so much time on his hands that he can post  enough comments in his first day so he can FINALLY get that well deserved 'paddle' to add to the rest of his online toy collection.    

First not that I care what you think about me personally but spelling grammar and typing skill have nothing to do with my or anyone else's intelligence or intellect. As for what misconceptions one that comes to mind right now is that you can tell how smart someone is by the way they type spell or speak.....  To answer you other red flag I am self employed and have a wireless laptop in my truck so I have been keeping up on the conversation. I could care less what is says next to my name here on this message board.... As for intelligence well Guess I am intelligent enough to work for myself and not work for someone else.

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ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

I was entering an unknown world as a submissive and relied (too quickly) on that Dominant to guide me.

"you are new and dont know"...etc to convince us that we are mistaken out of ignorance..to a point where we don't trust our own red flags.

By having this forum available, where I could read all the various situations, many I could relate to, I became educated very quickly and again, trusted my red flags. As 

EDUCATE YOURSELF...TAKE IT SLOW...

...edcucate yourself on those tactics as well.... I jumped in way too fast....and pulling back to start again.

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ORIGINAL: Squeakers

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ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

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ORIGINAL: Squeakers

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ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

I was hoping to put in one place a way for others to learn and understand there misconceptions.

    What misconceptions are you speaking of?   Because your idea of the lifestyle may not be another's idea so if it doesn't match your idea of the lifestyle then it is a misconception?

You asked for Red Flags, For me a huge red flag would be a Dom who wants an  intelligent conversation yet I can not understand half of what he has written because I can not decipher the spelling errors, grammar mistakes and typos.  
Another one would be anyone who is worried that I would be scarred for life because I was hurt, abused and molested by an online Dom.   And the last red flag would be a Dom who so much time on his hands that he can post  enough comments in his first day so he can FINALLY get that well deserved 'paddle' to add to the rest of his online toy collection.    

First not that I care what you think about me personally but spelling grammar and typing skill have nothing to do with my or anyone else's intelligence or intellect. As for what misconceptions one that comes to mind right now is that you can tell how smart someone is by the way they type spell or speak.....  To answer you other red flag I am self employed and have a wireless laptop in my truck so I have been keeping up on the conversation. I could care less what is says next to my name here on this message board.... As for intelligence well Guess I am intelligent enough to work for myself and not work for someone else.

Being able to write well does speak something about someone's intellegence when the only form of communication is written.   Typo's, spelling errors and grammar mistakes are often overlooked if they are mininal but if they are great in number, it does reek of  being uneducated or a disability (which has nothing to do with intelligence and for me I can overlook that in most cases if I am aware of it).   In that case spell check is an option.   Secondly, how intelligent is it to type and drive?   Another huge red flag for me.   My personal thought is that a Dom should think about his own safety and those around him so if he is using his computer while driving this distraction could potentially cause harm to himself and those around him.    Lastly, how does working for oneself make them intelligent?   Indirectly you are 'working' for someone else no matter how you look at it.   If you have your own business, someone is purchasing your goods or services, therefore you work for them.   
     As for misconceptions, my thought process was this.   How can you put out personal red flags for a new submissive?   How can anyone really?  What are the true guidelines of this lifestyle?   I hear many of them and no they are not always valid for everyone.    The point is a person needs to learn by experience, they should think deeply about everything they read, listen and ponder to the thoughts of others and take what information they feel is best and apply that to their own life.   But not have someone in their face saying, "Newcomer, you must have a safe call every time, you must never meet with a person who (fill in the blank), you must greet every person you speak to with respect...." the list of rules goes on and on and the list of red flags differs from person to person.   
    People are different....every style is different and nothing in this life style is uniform.    Every Dom is different and every Dom is going to have a different style of teaching a submissive and that style may vary with each submissive.  
   If you think I was personally bashing you well maybe I was in an exaggerated way but the point was to prove that your intent is a bit exaggerated and to prove that everyone's thought process is different.   There is totally nothing wrong with stating what your personal red flags are on sort of  a one on one basis but to try and make your personal beliefs the 'guidelines' for every newcomer is a bit arrogant.  
   As for the red flags that I indicated, yes truly they are red flags for me.   If someone can not write a coherent paragraph, I would have a major problem with that.    For me a Dom must be more intelligent than myself, if he is to teach me, because for me, the teaching goes further than just the lifestyle, my personal growth as a whole is extreemely important.    The second two encompass the online thing as a whole.   I am not at all bashing online, it is an effective tool to interact, but, for me, my growth would have to come from a more personal interaction.   Secondly if he is only experience is from online, that is definately a red flag, one can not learn effective caning techniques from a website.   Also if he has nothing better to do than to sit at his pc, what kind of personal life would we have.   "Yes dear I know your hands are going numb in the restraints but I must get online and answer this post...play this game...answer my IM's."    Really if he had no life outside of me, and outside of the lifestyle that would be a TRUE red flag.  
   Take what you consider the negative bashing and put it in a positive frame of mind.   Some of the points given which you considered bashing were very valid points even if they did not agree with you.   Having an open mind really is the only way a new comer is going to effectively not get hurt, being able to look at the big picture and not close it off to a set of 'guidlines' someone threw out there.  

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ORIGINAL: submissiveshe4

Infantile, isn't it?  Since the very moment that i read the original post, i have done nothing but attempt to think of a possible solution or at least identify a good starting point....my only goal being to offer input and/or insight where it might be of assistance in what IS a very real problem for some submissives!
 
i say "some" submissives because this is really a "condition" that these select few are more prone to based on their level of, what i believe to be empathy and an overwhelming need to express their truly submissive selves.  And Yes, it most likely did effect them in their vanilla life in much the same way as it effects them within the lifestyle, but that could mostly be attributed that they had no awareness of their own basic emotional identifier, that of a submissive.  Then after discovery, they are overcome by the joy of finally understanding themselves on a level so deep that they almost feel relieved and often times feel as though they have finally found a group of people who can and will understand them and accept them....they let down those defense mechanisms that they have so carefully crafted all of their lives in order to open themselves up to the life that they feel was their destiny.
 
Yes, it's a real condition but it is in no way shape or form, a weakness!  In fact, those that have this condition are the epitomy of "survivors" and possess a strength far beyond that which can be comprehended by those of narrow mind who offer only "Get over it already!" as a universal solution to dealing with a real issue!
 
ss4

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ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

TreasureKY your advice was so valuable that I printed and will keep it for further reference. My relationship started with a CANNED EMAIL on a vanilla dating site....I later learned it was generic and sent out in mass to women on vanilla and BDSM sites...now, I can spot them....no reference to my specific profile...all about themselves.

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ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I got some other red flags.

People who need to "heal" over relationships that didn't last more than a few years

People who get into several relationships in the course of a few years

People who need to be saved

People who need to save

People who have drama

drama