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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/1/2007 1:30:17 AM

dragonslave77

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

As a submissive or a slave define trust in your relationship with you dominant.

Is it an absolute for you that you trust your dominant to make the best choice for you even if it may not be the best choice for them or fulfill their wants?

As a dominant do you always make the best choices/decisions for your submissive even if it is not what you would desire or is best for you?

Do you think a submissive is not a good submissive if they expect you to always choose what is best for them rather than what you as a dominant want from them?

This one actually got me thinking quite a bit. I have a past that lends itself to having adult age trust issues, so trust is a difficult topic. What I have found recently is that personally trust seems to be in layers, at least for me. Each time I think I have come to a complete and full trust of my current Domme, she pushes and finds some other area where my ability to trust is lacking. And its not a function of Her, but of me. Parts of my life I have always had to control, it has been difficult to let Her in, and allow Her to make decisions. It is strange, because I easily can place my life in Her hands, but trusting Her in other simpler issues has been quite difficult. It has led me to even question if I truly am a submissive, or a masochist who plays the part. I know I try Her patience, and hope She truly understands my issues. I trust Her as much as I have ever trusted anyone. The problem being, complete and whole trust is something I'm not sure I will ever be able to surrender. I will certainly keep trying: trying to build up my own ability to trust, and allow Her deeper into my layers.

Not being a Domme, I can't answer this one. However, I would think I would place someone's well being ahead of my own desires. Can't say much more about this one.

Yes, it is absolute for me to trust She is making the best choice for me. I have to believe she truly wishes the best for me, even though at the time of Her decision, I may not think this is true. It may take me a few days of cooling off to realize that She has done what is best. Thankfully, She usually gives me the space and time necessary to cool off.

I'm not so sure about this one. Ultimately, I think what She wants from me is to be happy in life. So Her choosing what's best for me leads to this ultimate, so to me its one and the same. I think being a good submissive for me to Her is to try and always remember She does want what best for me, difficult as it may be for me to see that sometimes.

And yes, I agree with what others have said, I also have to keep in my She is human, and can make mistakes. Such is an imperfect human life.

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/1/2007 5:10:50 AM

Cyntilating

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For me..Trusting means honesty and integrity but also represents intentions, are they well meant or ill meant?....personal gain or selfless.. or somewhere in the middle?.Trust also means, to me, that I do not have to second guess their words or actions, because I know them to be honest and without negative hidden agenda or intentions.

I personally trust in my dominant because he decides based on what is best for Us.
He makes sure his needs, my needs, are met.. the wants and desires are at his descretion and choice depending....
He has a very skilled way of being able to decipher the difference between a need and a want/desire.....< one of the reasons I trust in him so much..
that will not always mean that his decision will be something "I" would have thought to be the best choice for me tho' ...hence, surrendering to his authority and wisdom.

Is it an absolute for you that you trust your dominant to make the best choice for you even if it may not be the best choice for them or fulfill their wants?
my absolute would be that he chooses what is best for BOTH of us.. Sometimes that will mean my wants are not met because of his and what he sees as the better choice for our relationship(Us)..
and sometimes that means HIS desires are not met because the choice he sees as best is what is best for me in that case..It is part of my trust for and in him...that I just know what he is deciding has taken both of our needs (and sometimes wants) into consideration and he is choosing because it will be best for US .
The "entire" relationship is what is nurtured and empowered by these choices/decisions he makes, rather than catering them to either/or "his needs or my needs" because without the relationship dynamic> his dominance and my submission will eventually fail to thrive in it.

I am a capable woman...and made all the decision in my household and about my life on my own for (too) many years..groan..
I am use to taking care of myself and others around me.
had decades of experience doing just that prior to Master..and so my " survival and independant(ie be in control) instincts" will kick in unless I can trust that the person I am with is "in control" yes, but also" taking care of what I am not" .......
for my submission to be> I must trust enough NOT to be the one in control ....and that means that I am not the only one taking care of my needs..
My role, as submissive = care for his happiness, his well-being, his wants and desires, give him my thoughts, feelings, my body, my devotion and surrender my control to Him in trust that he is fully capable of emotionally(love) and physically (strength of character) embracing it all as well as taking care of it.

I, personally, could not do that without complete trust and respect.

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/1/2007 8:21:38 AM

denika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

As a submissive or a slave define trust in your relationship with you dominant.

Is it an absolute for you that you trust your dominant to make the best choice for you even if it may not be the best choice for them or fulfill their wants?

I trust Rob to never harm me, to keep our finances safe, to keep himself and his boundries safe, to say what he feels, to be honest with all those that matter to us, to be himself. I trust him to never keep harmful secrets, I trust him to protect me from myself.

It took alot for me to trust Rob's authority, for no other reason than my own control issues. I have trusted him with my life for the past 17 years yet I struggled to trust his choices. We are both very indipendant thinkers and as a submissive at times it's hard to give up control, even for small things but when I do step back it's like a weight get's lifted from my shoulders. Rob has always put me first, lol I will be the first to say he spoils me *s* He may not Top me or play me in the sense that I am a masochist, he does encourage me to play with those that can fulfill that need, the only rules we have in place for play is that the person will have had to ask permission from both Rob and my Top.Those two steps have weeded out alot of the scary people.

denika

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/1/2007 8:26:55 AM

bluelace001

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I know Master always does his best to make the best decision where my well being is concerned, however, I also know that he can choose to make a decision based on what he wants at the time and Ii may not like. In this case i trust that he is making it knowing no damage will come to me. When he collared me he took responsiblity for my life, after 8 years he still hasn't let me down.

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/1/2007 10:29:28 AM

rmanrr

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Greetings
having read some of the posts but not all...and after a night of rest and contemplation...I agree that trust is the absolute cornerstone...combined with complete communication....honest evaluation of circumstances combined with as total as possible investigation of data...combine all the above with a desire to make the dynamic and the relationship work...add in love/affection/care....throw in some sex for spice....add a dash of the mitigating factor of being human and therefore prone to errors of judgement....and simmer it all for a few thousand millenia. What is the end result? That one relationship may be similar to another but not the same... Dancing alone is not a hell of a lot of fun, but it can be done (well in My case the lumbering of the bear dance which is preferably done alone because...)... If you are complete as an individual then it goes without saying that you can be complete in a pairing (or poly home if that is your desire). My view of life is this....have fun because it is just too fucking short to be not having much...and it took a hell of a lot of years to come to that conclusion....luckily I am both young enough to still have fun for the remainder of My life and, have found someone to share all that My life has to offer along with hers.
I love you sage.

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Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/1/2007 3:49:12 PM

littlebitxxx

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For me, I think trust comes hand in hand with knowledge of my Master. If we have the same hard limits, or he has more than me, I can trust him not to push those buttons. With knowledge of the way he thinks and acts, I can develop respect for him, his honour and integrity, and so trust that he can treat me also with respect. With knowledge of the way he treats children and others that can't fight back, I can trust that he won't use his power and control for devious means. With knowledge of the way he treats service oriented people like waiters and janitors, I can trust that he will use my service to please him in an honest, forthright way and not browbeat or be nitpicky. With knowledge of the way he treats sick friends I can trust that he will be patient and kind if I am not quite at my best some days.

If he makes decisions based only on what pleases him, I cannot trust that he has my best interests at heart. But if he makes decisions based only on my best interests and foregoes pleasure himself, I cannot trust that he is using my submission properly and to best advantage.

Trust, especially combined with love be it romantic type or Master/sub love, is a huge vulnerability. I open myself to him and trust...know...that he will not use it to hurt me.

Then comes the physical part. The person I love most in the world has me bound and completely defenceless and is about to beat on me, probably with a weapon. Do I trust him? Do I trust him enough? In this case, no amount of foreknowledge can tell me that. Once a weapon is in hand and the power is felt, not even Master knows the extent to which he will wield it. And even day by day the dynamic of it will change according to stress levels, moods, health issues. Do I trust him implicitly every single time? In my case, with my Jarl, yes I do.

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/1/2007 9:52:29 PM

rmanrr

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Tal My Love
Greetings
(Stands slowly, gazing with pride upon one who has just spoken...littlebitxxx)
You have honored Me as none other before you, you have given to Me all of you which is what I requested. (Bangs left chest with right fist). I can not do anything else but respond in kind. In the past few months we have grown so much. I believe that to be inspired by who we are and who we are to become. I look toward My future with you with joy, with fear of the unknown but knowing that we have the strength to overcome obstacles. I trust you completely My Woman, My girl. I have no secrets from you, only an intense desire to discuss anything which comes to mind and even, perhaps, that which we have discussed before. I have purposely mis-tagged My baggage so that it will arrive in a different location than I am in...no matter where I find Myself to be. My respect, you have. My trust, you have. My heart, is yours. My mind, is yours to interact with. My strength, I pledge to you. My honor, My integrity, My life if necessary to protect you. My love, yours. All of Me for all of you. Fair exchange? Nope, for I gain far more individually and together with you. Honor and Steel, Winds for our journey. I know it will last an eternity.

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Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/2/2007 4:46:18 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

any case or reason there is unlikely to be any breach of trust if the person is making decisions consistently in line with who you know them to be.

I agree yet upon occasion i have seen this happen,sometimes from an outside influence, sometimes from another partner or partners involved with one or the other of people involved.

Recently a friend of mine who was truly in love with her partner, honestly doing her best, who trusted her partner, was released due to the influence on her dominant by that dominants other partners.

This happened after i started this thread but i found it to be pertinent enough to bring up.

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/2/2007 4:49:26 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

I trust Himself to do what's best for him, sometimes. I trust that he'll do what's best for me, sometimes. I trust that he'll do what's best for our shared relationship, most of the time. Sometimes one or the other of us will fuck up and when those rare occasions occur, we work through them. I trust that we'll always be able to work through them even it means we can't be together because of them. With my trust in him comes my faith in his ability to lead and sculpt our relationship so that it manifests as close to our ideal as possible. Eh, we do fall short sometimes, but the effort is there. He trusts me as well and has faith in me to remain true to him, myself and our ultimate goal of perfection.

Beautiful Bita, simply beautiful. Having known that kind of faith in another and thereby gaining that kind of faith in myself i can relate so well you brought tears to my eyes. Bountiful Blessings to you both.

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/2/2007 4:52:24 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonslave77

. Ultimately, I think what She wants from me is to be happy in life. So Her choosing what's best for me leads to this ultimate, so to me its one and the same. I think being a good submissive for me to Her is to try and always remember She does want what best for me, difficult as it may be for me to see that sometimes.

You sound very lucky, hopefully a happy life is what we all want for our partners.

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/2/2007 9:09:58 AM

BeingChewsie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

any case or reason there is unlikely to be any breach of trust if the person is making decisions consistently in line with who you know them to be.

I agree yet upon occasion i have seen this happen,sometimes from an outside influence, sometimes from another partner or partners involved with one or the other of people involved.

Recently a friend of mine who was truly in love with her partner, honestly doing her best, who trusted her partner, was released due to the influence on her dominant by that dominants other partners.

This happened after i started this thread but i found it to be pertinent enough to bring up.

You seem to illustrate my point. There is unlikely to be a breach of trust if the person is consistently making decisions in line with who you know them to be. Breaches of trust can and often do occur when the person acts inconsistently and/or out of character, and their decisions reflect that. Which appears to be what happened to your friend. If she knew him to be someone who was infuenced by outsiders and he made a decisions based on being influnced by outsiders it is unlikely she would see the decisions he made as out of character for him, he was being who he is, consistently. It appears at least by what you say above this was a decsions not in line with who she knew him to be, so it is posssible a breach of trust could or did occur. I don't think I ever said that people never make decisions that are out of character or inconsistent with who you know them to be, of course they do, if they didn't, people would never have their trust shaken or destroyed in a person. The sentence you quoted said "in any case or reason there is unlikely to be any breach of trust if the person is making decisions consistently in line with who you know them to be."

If I know a man to be influenced by others, if I know his decisions regarding things, including me are influenced by others, then decisions affecting me brought about by the influence of others isn't inconsistent with who he is. No breach of trust there..if his making decisions like that is not in line with who I know him to be, then it very well might cause a breach of trust or at least a whoa! stop the presses what is up with this? kind of discussion. Her trust in him was breached because he did something out of character, not in line with who she knew him to be, something she didn't expect.

< Message edited by BeingChewsie -- 9/2/2007 9:11:32 AM >

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RE: Trust in your relationship? - 9/2/2007 9:56:36 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

..if his making decisions like that is not in line with who I know him to be, then it very well might cause a breach of trust or at least a whoa! stop the presses what is up with this? kind of discussion. Her trust in him was breached because he did something out of character, not in line with who she knew him to be, something she didn't expect.

I tend to agree with you here. Big smiles, though her dom was a she, lol. Thank you again for all your input.

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