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RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 5:59:13 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Stolen from another thread
 
http://www.collarchat.com/m_966138/mpage_3/key_love%252Cimmature/tm.htm#968613
 
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1085614/mpage_1/key_love%252Cimmature/tm.htm#1134469
 
Love and BDSM has been a difficult combination for me but for ME it has been difficult not because of anything innate to the two but to my own personal issues.

At first I felt that one needed to be able to end the relationship in order to control and that if I was in love I couldn't do that.  I felt that way because I was immature.  The ones I was able to dominate were not the ones I wanted.  If I "wanted" them I became weak, I needed them and would play it safe rather than risk losing them.  Various shades of this as I matured, this is all in my mid to late '30s and even into my last relationship.

I have long known I do not choose women who I most want, I cull one off from the herd, some sort of emotional straggler.  Then a part of me looks down on her/wants to fix her up.  My best relationships were ones where I didn't exactly pick the woman, a blind date here, a response to an ad, and a woman at work who chased me are probably my better relationships.

My last partner while a mixed bag, was a woman who I think was the break for me of my prior patterns.  A woman I had become friends with, actual friends as she was a Domme and I respect that.  Long story but we began a long and wonderful relationship, one where I grew a great deal.

So I have slowly grown to where I now at least pick out the leader of the pack so to speak rather than culling someone from the herd.  So now I date women I want which makes being in love FAR more risky and since one doesn't want to lose such an amazing woman, this is where the whole "must be able to end it" rational comes in.  To do so you need to have the emotional security to know that if you end it with this amazing woman, that you can find and attract another.

However, for me I still feel that is an immature response.  Where I WANT to be, my GOAL is to know I can attract and keep an amazing woman because I am worthy of her.  Pretty much there, perhaps one never looses a bit of that insecurity and perhaps that isn't a bad thing.  Now I need to take another step and know myself well enough as well as what I want in a woman to find and attract the sort of woman who while strong and powerful, craves what I want to give, that when we struggle for power, that when I push her boundaries, that despite the immediate resistance that ultimately that is where she wants to go.  This way I do not have to choose between expressing my dominance fully and having the romantic love in my life that feeds my soul.  I have yet to do this although I think I am about to find out if I have.

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 6:04:06 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		I think it comes from insecurity-worrying that caring for a slave that deeply will cause a loss of control. But the opposite is usually true..........it really depends on how one controls one's own mind as an Owner.

(in reply to callistaIn)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 6:05:28 AM   
DS4DUMMIES


Posts: 180
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4umastr

I was just told, quite angrily actually, that a master should never love his slave, and that love has NO place in this lifestyle. I've always imagined when I find the right master, that I would love him, but I also thought that he would love me too, although we would both express our love in very different ways. But what I want to know is, do most people think like this really? That love has no place in M/s, or was it just a bad experience? 


Love certainly has a place in this kind of relationship. I have lived this in the past, and know unequivocally that it is not only possible, but that for me at least, it is vital as breathing. I consider a D/s relationship, the most romantic union possible. I recently posted on this as part of a larger view... http://www.collarchat.com/m_1240921/tm.htm

To not be able to look into the eyes of my very spent lady, who has just given me everything she has and then more - and be able to say  " I love you with all I am, all I have and all I will ever be..."....I cannot imagine not feeling that way. Love was never a hinderance to sadism, nor my ability to lead/control the woman I loved. It's riskier in many ways because as in any love relationship as opposed to a casual one - there is now something to lose.

Certainly there are people who do not need love in all this and that is fine for them. I know some very nice folks in the D/s world who see love roughly akin to wearing a garlic tuxedo to a vampire ball...:) It would just never work for me to not have it - on all levels.

DS4

< Message edited by DS4DUMMIES -- 8/31/2007 6:10:53 AM >

_____________________________

"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.” Patrick Overton

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 6:06:52 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I am loved quite well by my Master.  At the beginning, as he took ownership of me, I told him I will never ask him to love me, nor expect him to.  If he did, he did, but I needed to belong to him regardless.  He let me love him the way I needed to love.  He let me give the way I needed to give. He has, in fact, come to love me, and I feel it daily.  Even more so lately.  It is not a romantic love.  It is a different kind of love, and one I would not trade for anything. Three years into this wonderful relationship with him and his love has never once taken his power away.

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 6:10:42 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Stolen from another thread
 
http://www.collarchat.com/m_966138/mpage_3/key_love%252Cimmature/tm.htm#968613
 
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1085614/mpage_1/key_love%252Cimmature/tm.htm#1134469
 
Love and BDSM has been a difficult combination for me but for ME it has been difficult not because of anything innate to the two but to my own personal issues.

At first I felt that one needed to be able to end the relationship in order to control and that if I was in love I couldn't do that.  I felt that way because I was immature.  The ones I was able to dominate were not the ones I wanted.  If I "wanted" them I became weak, I needed them and would play it safe rather than risk losing them.  Various shades of this as I matured, this is all in my mid to late '30s and even into my last relationship.

I have long known I do not choose women who I most want, I cull one off from the herd, some sort of emotional straggler.  Then a part of me looks down on her/wants to fix her up.  My best relationships were ones where I didn't exactly pick the woman, a blind date here, a response to an ad, and a woman at work who chased me are probably my better relationships.

My last partner while a mixed bag, was a woman who I think was the break for me of my prior patterns.  A woman I had become friends with, actual friends as she was a Domme and I respect that.  Long story but we began a long and wonderful relationship, one where I grew a great deal.

So I have slowly grown to where I now at least pick out the leader of the pack so to speak rather than culling someone from the herd.  So now I date women I want which makes being in love FAR more risky and since one doesn't want to lose such an amazing woman, this is where the whole "must be able to end it" rational comes in.  To do so you need to have the emotional security to know that if you end it with this amazing woman, that you can find and attract another.

However, for me I still feel that is an immature response.  Where I WANT to be, my GOAL is to know I can attract and keep an amazing woman because I am worthy of her.  Pretty much there, perhaps one never looses a bit of that insecurity and perhaps that isn't a bad thing.  Now I need to take another step and know myself well enough as well as what I want in a woman to find and attract the sort of woman who while strong and powerful, craves what I want to give, that when we struggle for power, that when I push her boundaries, that despite the immediate resistance that ultimately that is where she wants to go.  This way I do not have to choose between expressing my dominance fully and having the romantic love in my life that feeds my soul.  I have yet to do this although I think I am about to find out if I have.



I have heard it said that "the one with the most power in a relationship is the one with the least to lose." From a pure power perspective this is true.

It's also emotional blackmail-which is a terribly immature response. I fell it better to excercise a perogative  by desiring to maintain a connection-rather than weakening it.

Most of what we find in relationships stems from valuations we have of each other. I wouls also prefer that my mutual value with one I cared about increase-rather than the opposite.

Needless to say, tearing down another to build myself up is not a part of dynamics I would excercise. We both deserve better.


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 6:16:32 AM   
possessedone


Posts: 64
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		i love my Master...and the more He controls me, the more He humiliates me, the more power he exerts as Master just deepens that love for Him, and i have told Him so.....He has never said He loves me, and i do not expect Him too.....it is enough to know that He cares and see the expression of that

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 6:31:49 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Not all want or need love in their relationships. I personally do it makes that connection I have with him much deeper.  It is a personal thing as to what kind of relationship each wants and if love should be a part of that.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:07:17 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You know if there's anything that helps support my perspective that a majority of doms are insecure and use their dominance as a shield from dealing with actual relationship issues, I think it's how often this topic comes up and how many doms really DO freak out at the concept of love and intimacy.

A

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:21:28 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		What utter nonsense

Jeff

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:35:53 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You know if there's anything that helps support my perspective that a majority of doms are insecure and use their dominance as a shield from dealing with actual relationship issues, I think it's how often this topic comes up and how many doms really DO freak out at the concept of love and intimacy.

A


I've been pointing that out every time I'm on a board.

Why do you think they hound me so?


_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:39:57 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Anybody who would become angry at the possibility of love is in a d/s relationship as a way to avoid emotional intimacy. That works for him, who is afraid to risk being hurt, who is too afraid to risk rejection.

It doesn't work for me. And one of the things I needed from the start was to know my dom was secure enough to risk rejection. We're in love, we're together over four years now.

Tell Mr Insecure that although you're submissive, you aren't ever going to be his submissive. And let people know early on that without them being open to the chance of love happening, you aren't open to talking with them.

(in reply to callistaIn)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:41:52 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You know if there's anything that helps support my perspective that a majority of doms are insecure and use their dominance as a shield from dealing with actual relationship issues, I think it's how often this topic comes up and how many doms really DO freak out at the concept of love and intimacy.

A


I've been pointing that out every time I'm on a board.

Why do you think they hound me so?



I thought it was because you rammed a bunny up your butt.

_____________________________



(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:50:01 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4umastr

never

Ah, the preface of the One Twue Wayer. Anytime anyone speaks in absolutes, take them with a grain of salt. Who knows it if was a bad experience, is a result of poor education and lack of real time experience or is just someone with their head up their own ass. In any case, as shown by the previous responses, it is not true. I've had subs I've loved and ones I didn't. The ones I didn't love as at least friends didn't last more than a few months with me. Without some type of connection it was almost like masturbation for me. (An incomplete act.)

Currently, I am head-over-heels-crazy-in-love with my submissive husband. It has been this way for years and should continue this way for years to come.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:52:42 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4umastr

I was just told, quite angrily actually, that a master should never love his slave, and that love has NO place in this lifestyle. I've always imagined when I find the right master, that I would love him, but I also thought that he would love me too, although we would both express our love in very different ways. But what I want to know is, do most people think like this really? That love has no place in M/s, or was it just a bad experience? 


Some people want love.  For some it's not a requirement.  If you require love then you need to search for a dom that does also.  Simple as that.

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 7:53:33 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4umastr

I was just told, quite angrily actually, that a master should never love his slave, and that love has NO place in this lifestyle. I've always imagined when I find the right master, that I would love him, but I also thought that he would love me too, although we would both express our love in very different ways. But what I want to know is, do most people think like this really? That love has no place in M/s, or was it just a bad experience? 


You can either have love in a D/s or M/s relationship or not.  Some do, some don't.  I prefer to have it in an ongoing, intense relationship but the absence of love does not prevent me from being able to play casually...but again, I do not expect the level of commitment from a casual encounter or casual relationship.

You have a right to let someone know that what they are doing makes you feel unloved.  You have a right not to engage in those activities.  You have a right to define what your slavery means to you but remember...others have their definition of a slave versus a submissive and to them, you might not fit either.  Find a master whose definition matches yours and who feels about love the same way that you do if you have to have love in your D/s or M/s relationship.

(in reply to slave4umastr)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 8:10:30 AM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I thought it was because you rammed a bunny up your butt.

I'm surprised it fits considering what appears to regularly occupy that space.

~stef


_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 8:12:29 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You had to bring poor defenseless bunnies into this?  That's just wrong.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 8:15:25 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		No bunnies were harmed in the making of this post...Save for the ones rammed up Bob's hiney...they suffered immensely before thankfully expiring.

_____________________________



(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 8:17:45 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		Beware of Bunnies!

“Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes! They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?” – Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I was just told - 8/31/2007 8:20:43 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		Which would be funnier?  To have the little bunny fluffy tail sticking out of bob's butt or the bunny head?

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 40
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