Struggling With the Word "Sir"

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Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 11:48:40 AM

sapphirepleasure

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From: Land of Enchantment
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To me the word 'sir' summons up a very formal, distant, vaguely militaristic connection. When asked to call a dominant 'sir' as a sign of respect it's a struggle for me because it pulls me out of the present moment and I feel like I am reading a script rather than speaking from my heart, as it's a word I am not at all comfortable using.

So how do I get beyond this? Do I just continue to call him sir because it pleases him and hope that eventually it will become more natural? Has anyone else struggled with preferred forms of address, and if so, how did you work it out?

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 11:51:46 AM

Bobkgin

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What word would you prefer to use?

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 11:52:19 AM

celticlord2112

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If you were to speak from the heart, how would you address your dominant?

What is the gesture of respect that is within you?

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 11:53:38 AM

SmokingGun82

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First suggestion would be to find someone who doesn't care if they're called "sir" or not. If that's not a pleasing option, and since you seem to imply you have someone particular in mind, then talk to them. I'd imagine the two of you could come up with something that works for both of you, and conveys the respect you want to show.

Or just keep using it. Eventually you'll probably get used to it.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 11:54:49 AM

mnottertail

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hang out at a gas station with a pop, and watch business..............or the hotel reception area-------------Like marilyn chambers said about deep throat, it is just another act.

you would call me Ron if I asked you wouldn't you? or mnottertail, or Ingvar the Intruder? let the honor and respect flow in your words even if you are choking on a cock, saying; mmmmmmmmmmmmmmpppppppppppwwwwwwwwwwwffffffffftttttttttttt. Don't let words get in the way of happiness. They are tools to communicate, not the communication.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 11:54:57 AM

sapphirepleasure

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From: Land of Enchantment
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When a relationship with a dominant has progressed to a certain point, it is very natural for me to call him Master. That is what is within me, but not everyone is comfortable with this expression, even in the context of a Master/slave relationship, and it's not something that I use casually.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:06:58 PM

cuddleheart50

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I have the same problem as well, so you are not alone. It seems very impersonal to me. I just call them by their first name.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:07:20 PM

celticlord2112

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There is nothing wrong with calling a dominant "master".

My slave alternates between calling me "Sir" and "Master". My personal preference is "Sir"--mainly for those militaristic overtones you mentioned in the OP.

Discuss this with your dominant. If he is vehemently opposed to the word "Master", find out why, and articulate your difficulties with "sir".

What matters most is that you show your dominant the respect that is his due. Focus on that, and the right words will flow.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:11:24 PM

Aine

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It's basically whatever you and the person you are involved with can come to an agreement on, once you've made your aprehension apparent.

heck, I rotate with James, JL, JLo, Daddy, Ox, Babe, among others when addressing my partner.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:32:37 PM

marieToo

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From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

To me the word 'sir' summons up a very formal, distant, vaguely militaristic connection. When asked to call a dominant 'sir' as a sign of respect it's a struggle for me because it pulls me out of the present moment and I feel like I am reading a script rather than speaking from my heart, as it's a word I am not at all comfortable using.

So how do I get beyond this? Do I just continue to call him sir because it pleases him and hope that eventually it will become more natural? Has anyone else struggled with preferred forms of address, and if so, how did you work it out?

Yes, I've also struggled with the term Sir in the past. (I've never called anyone Master). But in the beginning with my first dominant partner, getting the word Sir out of my mouth was one of the toughest things as a 'newbie'. He didn't ask for it at first, but eventually he wanted it and I didn't feel ready to say it. Maybe this is fucked up, but when he was handling me in brutal way, it was much easier and felt more natural to addresss him as Sir, as opposed to our first meeting over coffee or when we were just hanging out having lunch or something. Eventually I wanted to address him that way all the time. What I learned about myself is that when I begin to feel submissive to a particular person, I reach a point (on my own, without being told) where it feels more natural to address him as Sir and very uncomfortable to use the first name.
With the right person, it feels like a priviledge to me, therefore using the word Sir when it becomes a need or a strong urge seems to have much more meaning in a symbolic sort of way, as opposed to using it right off the bat (though I will do that, if the dominant I am interested in prefers it).

Yes, you do leave behind the old dynamic when you stop using the first name; you feel almost like you've lost a personal intimacy of sorts, or a close friend, and it becomes replaced with a different dynamic that can feel like there is a certain "distance" that then becomes present, as opposed to that friendship kind of feeling when you address your dom by his first name, but ironically (for me anyway) that "distance" is what makes me feel closer to him as a submissive. For me 'distance' is necessary to feel intimacy. It feels like he is higher or superior to me and I personally love that feeling.

If you do not feel ready or comfortable addressing him as Sir, then explain that to your dom and see if your feelings about it change as your submission to him deepens. Try to keep an open mind about it though; you just might grow to love it.

Good luck to you.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:37:44 PM

CuriousLord

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Joined: 4/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure
To me the word 'sir' summons up a very formal, distant, vaguely militaristic connection. When asked to call a dominant 'sir' as a sign of respect it's a struggle for me because it pulls me out of the present moment and I feel like I am reading a script rather than speaking from my heart, as it's a word I am not at all comfortable using.

So how do I get beyond this? Do I just continue to call him sir because it pleases him and hope that eventually it will become more natural? Has anyone else struggled with preferred forms of address, and if so, how did you work it out?

However you associate the word is just how you do. It's in your mind. The less you use it in that regard (to include thinking of it that way), the weaker it will become. The more you use it in other regards (especially when you can ignore it in the previous regard), the stronger new a new association may become.

Still, I'd suggest you both find a word which might work better for you.

(For me, I have an "issue" with "sir", too. For me, "sir" is a very bland word. Any half-way, apparently-at-the-moment male may be referred to as "sir"- to include subordinates. It convays some respect, but not the sort of respect a sub should have for a Dom.)

PS- As for "sir" in my personal relationship (since the topic seems to have come up), I don't use it. I've given my slave guidelines on many things. I believe "sir" is a term she may refer to me by in public in rather formal situations when just about any other term would be utterly inappropriate. I've just used it too many times to address males cordially to see it as anything more than that.

Despite having a year of a military background, I do not see "sir" as a militaristic term.

While I don't see much in "sir", I feel it's an important note that "sir"'s etymology traces directly back to "sire". At a time, I imagine "sir" was simply short for "sire", though I still see "sire" to be a vastly superior term in way of the magnitude of respect implied.

< Message edited by CuriousLord -- 9/1/2007 12:48:22 PM >

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Post #: 11

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:38:14 PM

ownedgirlie

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I used to have the same problem. I used to feel really awkward and clumsy when I said it. The way I got through it was, if the man I was talking to seemed worth feeling awkward for...if he was worth me pushing through something uncomfortable, then I did it anyway. Eventually it didn't feel so awkward. The satisfaction of giving him what he wanted outweighed any discomfort I felt. That remains the case for me now, too, in fact. Do I want to satisfy him? And if so, I work through my own barriers to do so and break out of my comfort zone. It's not always easy, but I've never been one to look for easy. I'm weird like that. But that was me - everyone has to do what is right for them.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:41:19 PM

earthycouple

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None of you who have a problem with "Sir" were born in the Southern U.S. I guess...it's as natural as breathing there to call someone "Sir" or "Ma'am" almost regardless of anything at all.

Go spend a month in Alabama...you'll find yourself calling everyone that *S*

It really will get easier over time if you use it. Think about how your other half feels if you are doing it for his gratification.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:42:14 PM

BabyNyla

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I don't like calling him Sir ... sometimes he requires it of me ... but most of the time he's not picky about it. Lately, I tend to call him Daddy ... it seems to be more natural of a choice. I never address other Doms as Sir ... it is awkward for me ... and he doesn't require it of me either.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:46:11 PM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
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I've tried to figure out why it's such a struggle for me. I think it has to do with spending my first 10 years in California, where address is more casual and it was mostly okay to call everyone by their first name, even adults. Then we spent 2 really traumatic years in Texas where all the rules changed, everything was a sin (my father was training to become a fundamentalist preacher so suddenly I was not allowed to dance, even folk dancing, or swim in the same pool with males, "mixed bathing" it was called) and I had to learn to call adults by Mr. & Miss and ma'am & sir. It was a very confusing and unhappy time in my life where I truly felt like an alien. Then we moved back to the west coast and things went 'back to normal'. But somehow that aversion to 'sir' has stuck with me.

In this case, he is 'a' dominant (as opposed to 'my' dominant) who has interest in me and who prefers that form of address (sir) but understands my struggle with it. I am trying to get comfortable with it, but it's always a 'bump' for me every time I use it.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:49:42 PM

CuriousLord

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quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

None of you who have a problem with "Sir" were born in the Southern U.S. I guess...it's as natural as breathing there to call someone "Sir" or "Ma'am" almost regardless of anything at all.

Go spend a month in Alabama...you'll find yourself calling everyone that *S*

That's just it, for me. It's lost any semblence of the respect that a sub should have for a Dom.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:55:48 PM

chellekitty

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do you use it instead of his name or as a title...this may seem trivial...but it makes a huge difference...i can, at this point call very few people "Sir" outside of "excuse me Sir, you seem to have dropped your reciept" (i live in texas, it does come a little easier to us) but as a sign of respect (maybe 2 or 3)...but i can call every yahoo that walks by with SirGobeldyGook written on his name tag at a convention SirGobeldyGook (or rather, whatever his name is)...
And honestly...it took me years to get to that point with 2 out of those 3 people...the 3rd is in the context of a relationship and not sure as i have't seen him in person or even talked with him on the phone since we broke up yet so not sure how that will work out yet...and it is a sign of earned respect...to put it bluntly...and you don't have to answer here....has this person earned your respect?
just something to think about...
good luck
chelle

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:57:40 PM

velvetears

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i had the same struggle as well. It was very difficult for me to use the word Sir as it felt unatural and as you said, militaristic. Same thing with the word master - which i only ever used with my ex - who i did consider my Master. All i can say is, the more you say it the easier it gets.

i have had a subsequent dom who wanted me to call him Sir, had no problem with that, it was when he pressed to be called Master i had a problem. i did once call him Master after a rather intense scene only out of old habit and we both knew i had made a slip of the tongue mistake. He seemed rather jealous of the fact that i would call him sir but not master, which i thought was rather silly. It was a new relationship and as far as i was concerned i didn't "feel" it, the relationship wasn't near that stage, so i wasn't going to say it.

Do what YOU feel comfortable with.

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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 12:58:14 PM

lilgurrl

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Joined: 8/31/2007
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Oooh...I struggled with this too.

Being new to the lifestyle and being the "strong, independent, kick-ass" type in vanilla relationships, I found it very difficult to wrap my mind around calling any man "Sir". Plus I find the address "Master" to be sexier and more of a turn-on. Alas, my Dom has connotations to each and reserves the term "Master" only for a slave who fully gives herself to him with no limits. His perception, so I respect that.

As to:

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

Do I just continue to call him sir because it pleases him and hope that eventually it will become more natural?

I say, give it a try (depending on how long you have been trying, if its awhile and still no dice, the point may be moot).

I find it pleasing to my Dom if I at least try before ruling anything out. (Mind you, I feel always that he is safe and respectful of me and my limits). When I do try, I can say that in this, and other areas I may not have been keen on, practice does ease displeasure. I have found that there many things I was initially opposed to that I now enjoy. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't always work out as you might think. I did get to the point of enjoying calling him "Sir", but now I call him "Daddy", a title and type of relationship that we mutually agreed on through trial and error and lots of communication.

All the best to you both.

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Post #: 19

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 1:04:16 PM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

do you use it instead of his name or as a title...

...and it is a sign of earned respect...to put it bluntly...and you don't have to answer here....has this person earned your respect?
just something to think about...
good luck
chelle

He definitely has and is earning my respect, which is why I am trying to come to terms with his preference that is awkward for me. We never really used first names a lot, he just eventually said that he prefers Sir, even in an established M/s relationship.

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 20

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