"Damaged Goods" ?

"Damaged Goods" ? (Full Version)

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blackpearl81 -> "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 1:33:54 PM)
If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Just curious. Thank you in advance for your replies. V.

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 1:39:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Just curious. Thank you in advance for your replies. V. There are some who say adult kinks can formed by a traumatic childhood event that was never fully resolved.

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 1:43:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Just curious. Thank you in advance for your replies. V. There are some who say adult kinks can formed by a traumatic childhood event that has was never fully resolved. Formed? Or broken? Btw, Cid Highwind was one of the chars I used a lot in FF7

sapphirepleasure -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 1:45:25 PM)
watching with interest... I do know that my childhood experiences have led to me desiring to surrender to a strong and trustworthy man but for whatever reason, I am not, at least currently, interested in or able to tolerate heavy pain.

divi -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 1:47:44 PM)
that is funny this thread was started...some chucklehead just emailed me saying I was damaged goods cause I like sex...shakes my head

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 1:50:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure watching with interest... I do know that my childhood experiences have led to me desiring to surrender to a strong and trustworthy man but for whatever reason, I am not, at least currently, interested in or able to tolerate heavy pain. Same here - Although in my case its pretty much any kind of pain. I was talking with a friend of mine earlier today about this very issue. She thinks its two totally different aspects of the same thing, which, I agree with, but, at the same time, memories of the past might be too.. uncomfortable? to bear dealing with it no matter how much you trust them. Now, here's where the problem lies: Some relationships have a nice dose of S/M play involved in it. Something like this could very well cause that relationship to grind to a halt. But on the flip side, if this is known beforehand, then that could/would stop the relationship from forming to begin with, negating the need to deal with it later on. I was curious as to whether some would let that stop forming the relationship to begin with, or if its something they would try to work on/address throughout the relationship.. V.

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 1:57:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse There are some who say adult kinks can formed by a traumatic childhood event that has was never fully resolved. Formed? Or broken? Btw, Cid Highwind was one of the chars I used a lot in FF7 Diaper and potty fetishes are kinks that are often traced back to childhood traumas. Shoe, clothing and foot fetishes have been found to have been imprinted particularly in males often by the age of 5 when boys realize the difference between themselves and girls. (sounds a bit Freudian, I know). Some interpersonal kinks may be related to how we dealt with an adult figure in our past. I have talked to a significant cross section of people over the years. Many I have talked to can recall some form of abuse in childhood.

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:04:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 I was curious as to whether some would let that stop forming the relationship to begin with, or if its something they would try to work on/address throughout the relationship.. V. Heh, actual kinky play in many respects is "working it out".

HelenaTroy -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:11:20 PM)
There are all kinds of things that you can do in the D/s dynamic that don't involve any SM.

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:15:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy There are all kinds of things that you can do in the D/s dynamic that don't involve any SM. I know, but I also realize that some Dom/mes place more emphasis on the willingness of a submissive to endure that to please Him/Her. If you had found out a submissive was unwilling to engage in that due to past experiences, would that cause you to not develop a deeper relationship with him/her?

sapphirepleasure -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:18:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 quote: ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure watching with interest... I do know that my childhood experiences have led to me desiring to surrender to a strong and trustworthy man but for whatever reason, I am not, at least currently, interested in or able to tolerate heavy pain. Same here - Although in my case its pretty much any kind of pain. I was talking with a friend of mine earlier today about this very issue. She thinks its two totally different aspects of the same thing, which, I agree with, but, at the same time, memories of the past might be too.. uncomfortable? to bear dealing with it no matter how much you trust them. Now, here's where the problem lies: Some relationships have a nice dose of S/M play involved in it. Something like this could very well cause that relationship to grind to a halt. But on the flip side, if this is known beforehand, then that could/would stop the relationship from forming to begin with, negating the need to deal with it later on. I was curious as to whether some would let that stop forming the relationship to begin with, or if its something they would try to work on/address throughout the relationship.. V. Well actually, for me, I am open to experiencing where (at least a degree of) pain play takes me. I remember once when I was seeing a dominant man who considered himself a budding sadist and he was caning me. For some reason, although I had taken heavier pain in the past, at that moment all I could think was, 'Why do I have to do things that I hate in order to earn the love I seek,' and I began weeping, not from the physical pain, but from the emotional pain I was experiencing. He sensed that he needed to stop and hold me, and he did, and eventually I was able to put what I was feeling into words. He held me and reassured me that this wasn't the case, at least not with him, and ultimately it was a very healing and cathartic experience. So even though pain is not what it's all about for me (surrender is what I really am focused on), I do learn something when I allow myself to be vulnerable to someone I trust to take me to those scary places where I don't necessarily want to go, but where I can reclaim aspects of myself that I have lost.

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:20:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure Well actually, for me, I am open to experiencing where (at least a degree of) pain play takes me. I remember once when I was seeing a dominant man who considered himself a budding sadist and he was caning me. For some reason, although I had taken heavier pain in the past, at that moment all I could think was, 'Why do I have to do things that I hate in order to earn the love I seek,' and I began weeping, not from the physical pain, but from the emotional pain I was experiencing. He sensed that he needed to stop and hold me, and he did, and eventually I was able to put what I was feeling into words. He held me and reassured me that this wasn't the case, at least not with him, and ultimately it was a very healing and cathartic experience. So even though pain is not what it's all about for me (surrender is what I really am focused on), I do learn something when I allow myself to be vulnerable to someone I trust to take me to those scary places where I don't necessarily want to go, but where I can reclaim aspects of myself that I have lost. Precisely. On the other hand, I dont see much future in participating in this thread. I'm out.

amaidiamond -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:21:01 PM)
In my mind a good Dom/me doesnt wish to damage their sub/slave so why would they want someone with emotional damage to endure something that would trigger it further? Hell my response would be rather than working at pushing your pain levels, work on the issues causing problems with professional guidence before anything, and no, it wouldnt stop me considering someone

sapphirepleasure -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:23:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 quote: ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy There are all kinds of things that you can do in the D/s dynamic that don't involve any SM. I know, but I also realize that some Dom/mes place more emphasis on the willingness of a submissive to endure that to please Him/Her. If you had found out a submissive was unwilling to engage in that due to past experiences, would that cause you to not develop a deeper relationship with him/her? I have met and engaged with a few sadists who were aware of my background and aversion to severe pain. For various reasons, none of these connections grew into anything permanent, even though there were very good things about each of them. The lastest sadist I met wanted to continue to play with me (respecting my safe word, but determined to push me as far as I would allow for his pleasure), but ultimately I decided not to see him again because the intensity of the play with him left me drained and fighting depression. I think it stirred up a lot and there wasn't much in the way of aftercare, really. And when it comes right down to it, I knew I wasn't what he was ultimately looking for so I stopped seeing him.

SunNMoon -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:25:05 PM)
Hi Blackpearl81, Now, this would not be a problem for me at all I’m not into pain play. But if I was it might but I don’t think that should worry you, there is someone out there that you are compatible with so don’t worry just move on to the next person. (I do this in regards to extreme masochists.) Their desire not to do pain play would be a positive for me. I would try and work with them if this was something they dsired to overcome. I would support them to go get professorial help (I don’t have the skill set to directly help), to be able to overcome this if that is what they desired. I’d do the same for any issue from there past if we were in a relationship. I hope that was helpful. [:)]

Dulles -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:31:21 PM)
I personally would not make light of one's psychological childhood trauma. (not implying you are) A caring and considerate mistress ,in my opinion, would always take things like that into account. If physical pain is a hard limit for that particular sub then clearly you should not push the issue and perhaps find a sub that is more suited to your tastes. However, if it is not a hard limit, and it is something they are willing to try to work at , while fully being aware that it may be difficult , then go ahead but start slowly.....and always re-assure them that they are SAFE with you and that you do not intend to inflict any UNWANTED physcial harm. Discussion should always be a large part of play sessions. Scense that have gone horribley awry because of poor communication can be damaging. This , of course , is just my opinion. So either dont do it and find another, or approach it with caution, care and lots of communication.

MasterDen0109 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:40:31 PM)
Would it make me not consider relations with someone who was abused ?That wouldnt even be a factor. With open communication and honesty you can build trust which is a major factor in D/s / BDSM relationships

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:40:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dulles I personally would not make light of one's psychological childhood trauma. (not implying you are) A caring and considerate mistress ,in my opinion, would always take things like that into account. If physical pain is a hard limit for that particular sub then clearly you should not push the issue and perhaps find a sub that is more suited to your tastes. However, if it is not a hard limit, and it is something they are willing to try to work at , while fully being aware that it may be difficult , then go ahead but start slowly.....and always re-assure them that they are SAFE with you and that you do not intend to inflict any UNWANTED physcial harm. Discussion should always be a large part of play sessions. Scense that have gone horribley awry because of poor communication can be damaging. This , of course , is just my opinion. So either dont do it and find another, or approach it with caution, care and lots of communication. Obviously this issue is intertwined with their respective interests in BDSM and needs to be adddressed. A kink, being a fetish or a desire to serve needs to be worked out in such a way that everyone feels good about it and themselves at the end of the day. A good Dom will embrace the issue and help his sub get past any hangup one might have. Kink doesnt have to be dysfunction, it needs to be taken straight on. Dominance without kink just makes one a control freak.

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:52:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure I have met and engaged with a few sadists who were aware of my background and aversion to severe pain. For various reasons, none of these connections grew into anything permanent, even though there were very good things about each of them. The lastest sadist I met wanted to continue to play with me (respecting my safe word, but determined to push me as far as I would allow for his pleasure), but ultimately I decided not to see him again because the intensity of the play with him left me drained and fighting depression. I think it stirred up a lot and there wasn't much in the way of aftercare, really. And when it comes right down to it, I knew I wasn't what he was ultimately looking for so I stopped seeing him. I break my version of BDSM into three categories: Kinky Play, Service, Protection. I stand behind my use of the word empathy to make the most of my relationship. It's not about ME, I have wants and I want them satisfied, however, my philosophy is about bonding and working it out. I dont consider it indulging ones sub, I consider it to be getting that person over a particular hurdle. If you're depressed or hurt at the end of the day, something is wrong. It's not supposed to be that way.

softness -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 2:55:06 PM)
i choose not to play with people who wish to inflict pain on me beuace pain creates psychologically frightening place for me .. this is purely due to previous experiences that have nothing to do with the lifestyle - this could mark me as "damaged goods" but i would never put that label on myself nor would i give nay time to anyone who labelled me so plenty of people pass over me when they find out i don't want any part in pain play, that is their free choice, but some who have a little imagination choose to stay and find they can create the desired results from me without inflicting pain. Just depends how much imagination and effort a Top is willing to expend on a bottom. Sometimes "working someone through it" is actually not a good idea. I dont care how gently you take me though it, if i end up in a place of pain, i will be in psychological distress that is harmful to me and not playful for me. Tops are sometimes reluctant to admit there are things they cannot get control of in a bottom and psychological hard-wiring is sometimes one of those things.

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