RE: "Damaged Goods" ?

RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (Full Version)

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blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/9/2007 8:29:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne I was r/t with such a submissive and her trust in me overcame her physical/sexual abuse. But I dismissed her after 4 moths because she lied to me about doing something she already had my permission to do . . . call her ex. A senseless lie that I thought totally unnecessary after honesty was expressed as something I demanded that if I didnt get it, it was a deal-breaker for me. So I had no choice. Regarding the S/m aspect........I moved slowly to build trust. Things like showing her a toy and getting a response to it, verbal or body language, then letting her smell and kiss it but no touching my toys ever, explaining my feelings and uses for said toy, detailed negotiating ( esp. how many hits and their intensity) and consenting to use of toy (starting with mainly sensual play rather than pain play and gradually upping the anti). Remember, its easy to break trust and difficult to gain it, esp if you had trust and broke it by rushing or disregarding sub's background. Patience and baby steps are your best friends here, and no she's not damaged goods. If you see her as such, beware you not cause her any more harm. She is a person, firstly. I understand.. I just wanted to clarify, it's me that I'm referring to - If I would be considered "damaged goods" because of my past. Nontheless, everyones posts have been very helpful Thank you everyone V.

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/9/2007 9:34:37 AM)
I would absolutely consider someone who doesn't do well with pain, as I believe submission has nothing to do with pain tolerance... Submitting to a domina who gets her juices flowing largely from inflicting pain might be problematic though. [8D] M P.S. Stop referring to yourself as damaged goods. Everyone has issues and experiences they need to learn from/work out in life.

BeachMystress -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/10/2007 3:45:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 ..missing out on a potential relationship due to my own.. issues. The more I've read, the more I definitely plan on working to get past this, I just don't know where to start. Where you need to start is dealing with what was done to you. Therapy is a good first step to doing this. I suggest you find a kink friendly therapist so you can deal with the aspects that pertain to BDSM without feeling odd. Kink Aware Professionals http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270 has a listing and hopefully there is one in your area that takes your insurance. Do not expect miracles from therapy. It took years to screw you up, it will probably take years to fix. But even just starting can help put you in a better place. Also, you don't have to fit everyone. Just because you're not interested in pain and not a match for some doesn't mean there aren't others out there you'd fit like a glove, as is. You hear more about sadistic Domme but the sensual and service desiring ones are out there. It usually takes a long time to find a partner. Don't stress too much because there are people you don't fit. All it takes is one that you fit perfectly to make your life complete.

queencaliph -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/10/2007 11:50:04 PM)
For starters I do NOT see an abuse survivor as "damaged goods." That being said, I could not accept someone still traumatized from an abusive relationship as a sub. I consider myself a sadist. It took me years to come to terms with this and be able to say "I enjoy inflicting physical pain on willing subjects." Even though I enjoy giving pain, I don't like leaving scars (either physical or emotional). Someone who has an aversion to pain is just not the person for me and I don't believe that I am qualified to help anyone "work through" any past issues. I couldn't live with myself if I caused an abuse survivor to suffer even more trauma at my hands. So for me, the answer is simple. No.

NakedGirlScout -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/11/2007 12:07:43 AM)
Possibly feeling like "damaged goods" is going to be more of a problem right off the bat than any other thing. I admit I sometimes slip into this tricky self pity mode, or let others' condescending whispers get to me when they state that they are not going to accept anyone who has any "baggage" or "issues" (as if they're the only untouched and untouchable human beings). I agree with those who have already said that it's a matter of finding a good match. There are both people to whom your particular "damage" is not an issue, and people who find joy in helping you work through problems. The point is to put your best points out there and let the people who have Issues with Issues weed themselves away from you, and good riddance.

pixelslave -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/11/2007 10:39:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 I just wanted to clarify, it's me that I'm referring to - If I would be considered "damaged goods" because of my past. Nontheless, everyones posts have been very helpful Thank you everyone V. blackpearl, There are many survivors in this community of all kinds of abuse. That doesn't make any of us "damaged goods", only people who have travelled our unique paths to get to where we are today. Like a few others who have posted here, I strongly urge you to seek counseling or therapy of some kind to resolve the issues you have remaining from your childhood which are obviously troubling you. IMO, until you've done that, you'll always have trust issues that will prevent you from fully connecting with a woman and establishing a relationship of any kind; whether it be D/s, BDSM, or vanilla. At this point, until you examine your past, and understand how you got to where you're at today, I'm not certain it would be healthy for you to enter into any kind of D/s relationship where there was a power exchange. From what you've described, your teenage years were filled with power and control issues with both your father and stepmother that you've yet to resolve in your mind. Having a relationship in this lifestyle now, *is not* the time or place to try and do that. Instead, I believe you'd only be opening yourself to experiencing more abuse if you connected with the wrong person. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m23.gif[/image] Take care of getting yourself together first, so you can live in the present and leave the baggage from the past behind. In my experience, it's a heavy load to carry that will continue to interfere with any relationship you start until you begin to do the difficult work necessary to examine things and start leaving the burden you still carry with you from the past behind. [&:] Good luck in your journey. I know it is not an easy task to heal yourself, but it is something you must do for yourself if you want to share a life of joy and happiness with others. No one here can do it for you, including the Domme of your dreams... [>:] - pixel Collared to Majik

Celeste43 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/11/2007 5:37:36 PM)
Well, as a female submissive I know my dating pool was a lot larger than as a male sub. But I just didn't talk to anyone who said they were sadists. No trauma here, just zero interest in it. It doesn't get me hot, I don't see any point in enduring something that's supposed to be play. I was interested in rope bondage so I screened for doms interested in control, emotional intimacy, sex and bondage because those are what I most wanted. I saw no purpose in choosing someone I'm not compatible with. My triggers come not from being beaten but from humiliation. He's tried it a couple of times and it puts me in a bad place. Thankfully it's not a must have for him.

sophia37 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/12/2007 11:28:56 AM)
We are ALL, damaged goods. Accept that and the rest becomes clearer.

HypnoticNovember -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/12/2007 1:20:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Just curious. Thank you in advance for your replies. V. Depends on the person and the question of " are they worth fixing mentally?" and " can you fix it ?". Also depends on how serve the pain and memories are. A lot to consider.

YesMistressIrish -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/12/2007 5:47:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Just curious. Thank you in advance for your replies. V. Blackpearl, Good topic! Every domme will be different. If you have something brief in your profile, ir would rule out extremely sadistic dommes. I have subs that are not into any serious pain. I would take my time with them regarding any serious pain. For that, I have pain slut friends who love me to work that energy out on them. You can create any kind of relationship you want to. All kinds of people are here, and into so many different things. Re: Your quote about sympathy being between shit and syphlis. Sympathy is a beautiful word... 1. harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. 2. the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions. 3. the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. 4. sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie. 5. favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it. 6. agreement, consonance, or accord. I don't see anything negative here, do you?

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/12/2007 5:56:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish Blackpearl, Good topic! Every domme will be different. If you have something brief in your profile, ir would rule out extremely sadistic dommes. I have subs that are not into any serious pain. I would take my time with them regarding any serious pain. For that, I have pain slut friends who love me to work that energy out on them. You can create any kind of relationship you want to. All kinds of people are here, and into so many different things. Re: Your quote about sympathy being between shit and syphlis. Sympathy is a beautiful word... 1. harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. 2. the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions. 3. the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. 4. sympathies, a. feelings or impulses of compassion. b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie. 5. favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it. 6. agreement, consonance, or accord. I don't see anything negative here, do you? No, I don't. I think thats part of what worried me about a potential relationship - I'd want to be Her only sub (I know - It's kinda demanding, but this is just a personal view) I wouldn't want to feel... inadequate I guess. Her having to go to another sub to get something that I couldn't give to her (at least, at the time) would bother me...

YesMistressIrish -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/12/2007 6:15:02 PM)
To have all that you seek: Just be very specific in your profile, and look high and low for a great domme to hook up with. There are dommes out there starting out, who have no interest in serving up serious pain. "Looking for a one-on-one D/s relationship and seeking only one woman to be submissive to." .. That would work. However, it is very empowering for any woman to be able to release her energy, and many do it in the form of sadism. To expect to be everything to your domme is a beautiful goal. I hope you find everything you are looking for. Miss Irish

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/12/2007 6:28:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish To have all that you seek: Just be very specific in your profile, and look high and low for a great domme to hook up with. There are dommes out there starting out, who have no interest in serving up serious pain. "Looking for a one-on-one D/s relationship and seeking only one woman to be submissive to." .. That would work. However, it is very empowering for any woman to be able to release her energy, and many do it in the form of sadism. To expect to be everything to your domme is a beautiful goal. I hope you find everything you are looking for. Miss Irish Thank You, Miss Irish [sm=smile.gif]

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