RE: "Damaged Goods" ?

RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (Full Version)

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TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 3:03:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: softness i choose not to play with people who wish to inflict pain on me beuace pain creates psychologically frightening place for me .. this is purely due to previous experiences that have nothing to do with the lifestyle - this could mark me as "damaged goods" but i would never put that label on myself nor would i give nay time to anyone who labelled me so plenty of people pass over me when they find out i don't want any part in pain play, that is their free choice, but some who have a little imagination choose to stay and find they can create the desired results from me without inflicting pain. Just depends how much imagination and effort a Top is willing to expend on a bottom. Sometimes "working someone through it" is actually not a good idea. I dont care how gently you take me though it, if i end up in a place of pain, i will be in psychological distress that is harmful to me and not playful for me. Tops are sometimes reluctant to admit there are things they cannot get control of in a bottom and psychological hard-wiring is sometimes one of those things. I understand, I have come across those who've been abused in the past. What I meant to say was that an issue like that cant be completely ignored in the context of a BDSM relationship. It will always be there and essentially we're all damaged goods in some way. It's just how we deal with it and manage it.

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 3:09:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: softness i choose not to play with people who wish to inflict pain on me beuace pain creates (1) psychologically frightening place for me .. this is purely due to previous experiences that have nothing to do with the lifestyle - this could mark me as "damaged goods" but i would never put that label on myself nor would i give nay time to anyone who labelled me so (2) plenty of people pass over me when they find out i don't want any part in pain play, that is their free choice, but some who have a little imagination choose to stay and find they can create the desired results from me without inflicting pain. Just depends how much imagination and effort a Top is willing to expend on a bottom. Sometimes "working someone through it" is actually not a good idea. I dont care how gently you take me though it, if i end up in a place of pain, i will be in psychological distress that is harmful to me and not playful for me. Tops are sometimes reluctant to admit there are things they cannot get control of in a bottom and psychological hard-wiring is sometimes one of those things. 1. This is specifically what I'm afraid of at times... especially when it comes to contacting another Dom/me. Its literally like.. once they find out I have an aversion to pain, its akin to an automatic write off. Which, I understand, but it gets unbelieveably frustrating. 2. This is another thing that I've ran into numerous times..like stated previously, it gets extremely frustrating... Thank you for your reply :) V.

MistressDolly -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 3:09:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? I would still consider him since there's other ways to use a male.

MistressDolly -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 3:11:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Knowing me, yes, I would.

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 3:18:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDolly quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Knowing me, yes, I would. Hmmm.. Interesting.

undergroundsea -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:12:16 PM)
I think BDSM relationships exist that rely on D/s without any physical pain. If that is the way you seek to go, fair enough. quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse There are some who say adult kinks can formed by a traumatic childhood event that has was never fully resolved. Formed? Or broken? I think it could be either. I believe an interest in BDSM is caused by a genetic tendency to develop this interest and whether it develop or not depends on experiences one has, usually in the early years. I don't think these experiences have to be abuse but it is conceivable. I also think a response to abuse and a response to kink could come from independent roots. That is, one could have an interest in BDSM and have abuse issues independent of the BDSM interest. The BDSM interests could be hindered by or help the abuse issues. I did hear of a case where a woman had suffered abuse early on where she was burned with a cigarette. She once did the same in a consensual context and it helped her. I heard about this incident from a switch who bottomed to the woman for the burning. I once attended a seminar by Midori about catalytic scenes (scenes that effect a change). One point that was raised in that seminar was that while BDSM can have a therapeutic effect for psychological issues, it should not be relied upon for this purpose and instead professional help should be sought for such issues. Cheers, Sea

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:15:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: undergroundsea I think it could be either. I believe an interest in BDSM is caused by a genetic tendency to develop this interest and whether it develop or not depends on experiences one has, usually in the early years. I don't think these experiences have to be abuse but it is conceivable. I also think a response to abuse and a response to kink could come from independent roots. That is, one could have an interest in BDSM and have abuse issues independent of the BDSM interest. The BDSM interests could be hindered by or help the abuse issues. I did hear of a case where a woman had suffered abuse early on where she was burned with a cigarette. She once did the same in a consensual context and it helped her. I heard about this incident from a switch who bottomed to the woman for the burning. I once attended a seminar by Midori about catalytic scenes (scenes that effect a change). One point that was raised in that seminar was that while BDSM can have a therapeutic effect for psychological issues, it should not be relied upon for this purpose and instead professional help should be sought for such issues. Cheers, Sea Yes, you've expanded nicely on what I tried to get started in my messages. I had a great comment and dammit, I lost it when I had to go AFK. I am in private chat with someone and we've come to the conclusion that the OP may be playing us. He's only responding to femdoms who are catering to his interests.

DrkJourney -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:23:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it? Just curious. Thank you in advance for your replies. V. As for me, I don't have any activities set in stone. I try to tailor it to whomever that I collar. I have had two that had some traumas and we worked through them. Some have submissives because they like to train, or have the service, and have no emotional attachment what so ever, and can walk away any time, as many have told me through the years, but with me it's a total emotional relationship as well. So if I feel connected with the person, and I would have to feel this way to offer them a collar, I will work through whatever it is, I can't just turn them away. Not sure if I'm saying all this right...lol But that's just what I do...not sure about the world at large..lol

burningdesires47 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:24:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse I dont see much future in participating in this thread. I'm out. I thought you were out. So why do I see a bunch of other comments from you?

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:24:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: burningdesires47 quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse I dont see much future in participating in this thread. I'm out. I thought you were out. So why do I see a bunch of other comments from you? Keeping tabs on me? Someone asked me back and I got sucked in.

Dulles -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:28:02 PM)
Obviously this issue is intertwined with their respective interests in BDSM and needs to be adddressed. A kink, being a fetish or a desire to serve needs to be worked out in such a way that everyone feels good about it and themselves at the end of the day. A good Dom will embrace the issue and help his sub get past any hangup one might have. Kink doesnt have to be dysfunction, it needs to be taken straight on. Dominance without kink just makes one a control freak. [/quote] Well said , IronHorse....well said.

DrkJourney -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:33:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 quote: ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy There are all kinds of things that you can do in the D/s dynamic that don't involve any SM. I know, but I also realize that some Dom/mes place more emphasis on the willingness of a submissive to endure that to please Him/Her. If you had found out a submissive was unwilling to engage in that due to past experiences, would that cause you to not develop a deeper relationship with him/her? With me, both parties have to be comfortable. If my slave is not comfortable/happy neither am I. I have a wild and some would say weird imagination. I state things that I like in my profile...but as I said, not written in stone. I can think of plenty to do without bringing pain into it. And I have. This one guy didn't have trauma, or none that I knew of, he was just a pain weenie...couldn't take the slightess bit of pain....we were together for about a year. We went our separate ways for reasons other than "lifestyle" You just have to keep searching and find the one for you....which I'm hear to tell ya....ain't even remotely easy....LOL

burningdesires47 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:38:50 PM)
I have some issues that have caused kink-aversions and yeah, it's been annoying. I'm seriously considering leaving the abuse out of the conversation but it's really not possible with my issues. I have an aversion to metal handcuffs. It makes NO SENSE whatsoever, because they were not part of my sexual abuse as a child--at least if they were that memory has been so far repressed that therapy has been unable to retrieve it. Metal handcuffs make me jittery just EXISTING in my space, but the second the possibility is expressed of having them used on me, I hit the beginning stages of panic attack. Similarly, I tend to panic if I'm bound in a way that I cannot possibly get myself out. I honestly feel that I could get past this--and hope to--given sufficient time and effort with a trustworthy Dom, but I've had no takers. My sexual abuse as a child has very little to do with my other limits, but my fibromyalgia makes pain play difficult--I (almost) never know how I will react to pain, I can feel pain at -10x normal to 100x normal, and that can change in moments. So I need a Dominant who is attentive and responsive to even the slightest indication that I might not be OK. (Of course I'm not saying that the Dom has to do all the work, I give very clear feedback, usually). I think "I do pain but it's a lot of work for both of us" may almost be worse than "I don't do pain period." There's less disappointment and more clear-cut compatibility choices with no pain at all. As far as working thru things, while I agree with the comments about seeking professional help, I personally am at a point where my abuse impacts my kink-play and that's it. And the only way to get past that is to literally work past it by DOING it. No amount of professional talk therapy will get me beyond my fears of bondage and metal handcuffs. So yeah, if I were Domming right now, I'd say I'd help someone work past their issues if they wanted to, and if they didn't, then I'd make my choices based on that fact. I don't think, though, that the simple fact of prior abuse would impact my decision. It would be how the person is reacting to the triggers and the emotional scars that I would consider. If a kink aversion is incompatible with me, i.e. someone else's hard limit is a great desire or need for me, THAT would certainly impact my decision, but that has nothing to do with the REASON for the aversion.

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 4:56:05 PM)
Burningdesires, I appreciate your candor and sharing a bit about yourself. In my original reply to the OP, I inferred that kinks are formed from negative influences and the topic more or less meandered down that path. Our formative experiences are not always negative, but sometimes manifest themselves in ways we cannot express via conventional outlets. For those who've been abused, there is that fine line between play and abuse. It's about staying on the good side of that line and feeling good about yourself when the day is done. Sometimes walking up to that line and peeking over can be therapeutic. TIH

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 5:11:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse quote: ORIGINAL: undergroundsea I think it could be either. I believe an interest in BDSM is caused by a genetic tendency to develop this interest and whether it develop or not depends on experiences one has, usually in the early years. I don't think these experiences have to be abuse but it is conceivable. I also think a response to abuse and a response to kink could come from independent roots. That is, one could have an interest in BDSM and have abuse issues independent of the BDSM interest. The BDSM interests could be hindered by or help the abuse issues. I did hear of a case where a woman had suffered abuse early on where she was burned with a cigarette. She once did the same in a consensual context and it helped her. I heard about this incident from a switch who bottomed to the woman for the burning. I once attended a seminar by Midori about catalytic scenes (scenes that effect a change). One point that was raised in that seminar was that while BDSM can have a therapeutic effect for psychological issues, it should not be relied upon for this purpose and instead professional help should be sought for such issues. Cheers, Sea Yes, you've expanded nicely on what I tried to get started in my messages. I had a great comment and dammit, I lost it when I had to go AFK. I am in private chat with someone and we've come to the conclusion that the OP may be playing us. He's only responding to femdoms who are catering to his interests. I'm glad you feel that way. I'm actually reading EVERYONES opinions... subs & Dom/mes alike. Just curious as to why you felt that way? Not only that, but I had someone else in another thread, in another section of the forum cop a bitch fit with me over the way I worded a post. Never mind the fact he didnt read the entire post, (just one small section of it.) In fact, I kinda bolded the specific section that he apparently didnt understand. With regards to why I'm replying to certain peoples replies? Either I can relate to what they're saying (most likely because they've dealt with it as well) or I understand what they're saying. Whereas some of the other posts, I dont. So, I wait till others reply to that, and see if I can get any clarification from their response(s).

AAkasha -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 5:20:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse Burningdesires, I appreciate your candor and sharing a bit about yourself. In my original reply to the OP, I inferred that kinks are formed from negative influences and the topic more or less meandered down that path. Our formative experiences are not always negative, but sometimes manifest themselves in ways we cannot express via conventional outlets. For those who've been abused, there is that fine line between play and abuse. It's about staying on the good side of that line and feeling good about yourself when the day is done. Sometimes walking up to that line and peeking over can be therapeutic. TIH Emphasis mine. Are you a certified, practicing psychologist or psychiatrist? If not, I would strongly urge you not to suggest to people who have abuse in their background that dabbling in BDSM will somehow fix things or make them better. If you have one on one experience from your personal life that's one thing, but to make a sweeping generalization like that is reckless; imagine the many forms, intensities, and emotional entanglements that all fall under the term "abuse." You could be steering people away from therapy and into bad relationships hoping to fix themselves. Akasha

TheIronHorse -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 5:24:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 I'm glad you feel that way. I'm actually reading EVERYONES opinions... subs & Dom/mes alike. Just curious as to why you felt that way? Not only that, but I had someone else in another thread, in another section of the forum cop a bitch fit with me over the way I worded a post. Never mind the fact he didnt read the entire post, (just one small section of it.) In fact, I kinda bolded the specific section that he apparently didnt understand. With regards to why I'm replying to certain peoples replies? Either I can relate to what they're saying (most likely because they've dealt with it as well) or I understand what they're saying. Whereas some of the other posts, I dont. So, I wait till others reply to that, and see if I can get any clarification from their response(s). I put much effort into responding to your original post. I'm all for free exchange of thought. Several femsubs have stepped forward with their experiences and we've yet to get to the crux of the matter with you. Malesubs are notorious for disguising troll posts as legitimate content. This thread had a lot of potential, its wandered too far off course to come back around again. TIH

SweetDommes -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 5:26:37 PM)
Hey, blackpearl - nice to see you around again hugs For us, it's not a big deal because we already have a boy that likes the spankings and floggings that I like to give. We would probably try to work with our boy's issues should we end up with one who has them, but it would definitely not be a deal breaker.

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 5:33:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 I'm glad you feel that way. I'm actually reading EVERYONES opinions... subs & Dom/mes alike. Just curious as to why you felt that way? Not only that, but I had someone else in another thread, in another section of the forum cop a bitch fit with me over the way I worded a post. Never mind the fact he didnt read the entire post, (just one small section of it.) In fact, I kinda bolded the specific section that he apparently didnt understand. With regards to why I'm replying to certain peoples replies? Either I can relate to what they're saying (most likely because they've dealt with it as well) or I understand what they're saying. Whereas some of the other posts, I dont. So, I wait till others reply to that, and see if I can get any clarification from their response(s). I put much effort into responding to your original post. I'm all for free exchange of thought. Several femsubs have stepped forward with their experiences and we've yet to get to the crux of the matter with you. Malesubs are notorious for disguising troll posts as legitimate content. This thread had a lot of potential, its wandered too far off course to come back around again. TIH I appreciate your replies, there's really not a whole lot i can reply with w/o revealing specifics. However, I WAS abused as a child... now that I'm older, even though i dont understand the "why" of everything that happened, I know that I couldn't be involved in a relationship that used S/M in it. As far as why? I don't understand. But, if I was a gambling person, I would say in no uncertain terms that what I experienced as a child had a direct correlation to my not wanting to try "playing" with S/M in a relationships. Now, with that being said, I've noticed quite a few relationships involve some sort of S/M within it. Ultimately, I wanted to see if that would "make or break" a relationship, specifically - if that "hangup" would prevent a Dom/me & sub from developing a relationship. Like I said, this was inspired by a phone convo I had with someone who is active in the scene, and she was telling me about her current sub and his ability to handle S/M sessions with her. When I commented that I couldnt handle something like that, she asked me to provide a little more detail. So I did. When she pointed out that its "not about me, its about Her" that was what prompted me to post. V.

blackpearl81 -> RE: "Damaged Goods" ? (9/8/2007 5:35:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes Hey, blackpearl - nice to see you around again hugs For us, it's not a big deal because we already have a boy that likes the spankings and floggings that I like to give. We would probably try to work with our boy's issues should we end up with one who has them, but it would definitely not be a deal breaker. Good evening SweetDommes I understand what your saying... Would you say, that it depends on how much time/energy the Dom/me has, to try and get these issues to come to light?

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