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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 2:29:16 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am sad to have to admit at my age, that I don't really have much of a "sexual past" - Before I married (at age 33), I had maybe 5 sexual partners (some of them long-term, like years). Then for a long time afterward, through no fault of my own - nothing (or almost nothing - after the first 4 years anyway).

Then a 1-year relationship with a Dominant, and two sort -of "_uck buddy" and BDSM play instances with a local male submissive (we've "played" aside from that, but had no other sex). Besides that, nothing. Well, I was raped once, but I don't really consider that sex - I consider that a crime.

But, I definitely appreciate sex and loving relationships (and think I know how to have one - or at least attempt it). But I am not planning to seek a LT partner until about December (after I sell my house, which I hope won't take long). Anyway, I am getting off-track here...

*I don't have any sexually-transmittable diseases, but - if I did, I'd think it only fair to disclose them to a partner (or potential partner). But there isn't really much to tell otherwise, and I'd talk about it, but not in gross detail - If someone insisted, I guess. But I really only consider it relevant if someone does have a sexually transmittable disease.

I would expect a partner to disclose if they had a transmittable disease like this - other than that, I don't really care what they did, or who they did it with - except if it bears on their ability to be in a LT sexual relationship, or on their BDSM activity preference, somehow (like if they've been abused, etc) .

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/17/2007 2:48:29 AM >

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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 10:08:36 AM   
worththeeffort


Posts: 105
Joined: 6/4/2007
Status: offline 		i tend to think my sexual past (in terms of numbers) isn't most people's business. i actually had a guy ask on a first date, "so how many guys have you slept with" that was the beginning of the end of the date lol.

~kitty

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 162
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 10:08:59 AM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

On another thread someone said that "most" women lie about how many partners they have had. Do you lie about your sexual past, number of partners, experiences, etc. and if so what is your reason for doing so? Would you be upset if you learned your partner had lied to you about their past?

Nope and I don't care if a partner has had one partner, or is a virgin or had 500.  It's not about that to me.  If I'm interested that's not a factor.  Of course I'd want to make sure my partner practiced safe sex.


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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 10:24:43 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		I don't understand why one would have to lie about their past.  BDSM relationships, more than others, have to be based on total trust.  Even a small lie might make me reconsider my feelings about a partner.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 164
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 10:29:36 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Nah, but I am down-the-line honest about my sexual future.

GeorgeJetson

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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 1:57:30 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

On another thread someone said that "most" women lie about how many partners they have had. Do you lie about your sexual past, number of partners, experiences, etc. and if so what is your reason for doing so? Would you be upset if you learned your partner had lied to you about their past?


No, I don't lie about it. No reason to. I'm not too proud to admit that there's not much going on in my personal life of that sort. The truth is that I have never really been able to make it a priority until not long ago. And the second part of that is, I am damned picky. Casual sex just never interested me, just not my thing.

As far as anyone lying about it. ALL lies upset me. However.....I don't, as a general rule, even think to ask a question like that. I want to know that a person is healthy of course, but how many, when, where, that stuff just doesn't matter to me. Never has. Usually someone will start telling me and I may ask questions based upon what they tell me. Usually it's more relationship oriented rather than specific act oriented. I want to know what brought them to this point with me. If that makes any sense........


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Profile   Post #: 166
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 8:53:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Heck I met a girl this weekend who talked about how her dom didn't even want her buying a nifty dildo because it was bigger than his cock.  Such secure mature open supporting relationships we have :)

If a person wants to talk about it and wants to know about it and I feel it's right for the relationship, I'm completely open about it all.

However, if I go to a club looking for a hot fuck, I'm not going to be turned on by someone wanting a full history and analyzation and I'm not going to offer it up.  I'll give a glossy "I've fucked a lot of people, I always use protection and I want to fuck you now."  They are either ok with it or not.  If not, then I'm cool with it and move on.

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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/17/2007 8:59:10 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

susie: no offense, but I would do that favour for a friend, never a lover.

If he was a lover, I would lose respect for him to be only a submissive to me from that point on. If a man had to come to me for money-he is forever a mooch, bumm, a lesser, a submissive forever to me.  I cannot look at the man the same.

Even a man who cannot afford a lunch or dinner, he is forever a bumm. It is the little things that count.


I have such harsh ideals on this subject, is just the way I am.

edit again: k it is sun night, stuff to do for monday so I'm outta here for the night.  will comment back to the lovely convo tomorrow sometime. 

unless I get fuked for my 353rd time tonight . 



Then you have a very sad attitude to people. If you see people as dominant or submissive in terms of their materialistic worth then that is very sad. I have never seen Master as anything other than dominant. It is what he is as a person and nothing to do with the amount of money he has or the job that he does.


She must be poor herself.

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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 8:42:17 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28
If they specifically ask me how many partners I've had, that says more about who they are than about who I am... and I would not share that information other than to re-affirm my health and their safety.


I have asked the question and I do ask the question of pretty much any woman I hang out with long enough that she's likely to have an idea of why I ask the question and what it means to me.

To me it's not about finding ammunition for attack or judgment. It's because I'm comparing my own feelings about my own numbers. If I like someone enough to ask the numbers question, then there's a virtual certainty that I admire the way that they deal with and manage their sexuality and I'm usually looking to incorporate some of those attitudes into myself.

I also occasionally ask as a means of judging experience, much like I ask how long people have been in the scene, how much they've played with pick-a-toy or pick-a-dynamic, etc. There's a big difference between someone who's never been gagged by wants to very much and someone who's got a bit gag fetish they've been playing with for 20 years. My approach to each will be different.

ETA - I've occasionally asked for the reverse reason - that I don't like someone's attitudes around sex and I'm wondering if there's a correlation.

< Message edited by teamnoir -- 9/18/2007 9:38:40 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 169
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:02:49 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghoster78
I am male, so I lie (a flaw of my gender I do try to mitigate), and have probably lied about my sexual past a few times.


Please speak only for yourself.

I'm male. Lying is not a personal flaw of mine. Hence, lying is not a flaw of your gender - it's just a personal flaw of your own.

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Profile   Post #: 170
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:04:36 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
If a woman has many partners, it is intimidating for a guy.


Being an absolute statement, this one is, of course, false.

Certainly it can be intimidating for some guys at some times. But it isn't always.

It has been intimidating for me at times in my life. However, it's also been extremely complimentary at times. If she's had that many partners, and she's picking me to hang out with now, then doesn't that say that I'm something pretty special?

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Profile   Post #: 171
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:10:55 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

It is all about competition.


I have, on occasion, fallen into the trap of thinking of sex as a competition. It really doesn't work very well for me.

quote:


If a man had 400 women, I would have to be a better lay to keep a man who had that many. Same with men who are dating a gal who had 400 men. They would feel lesser of a lover.


No, not necessarily.

Regardless of my own number, I might consider myself a better lover not on the basis of my number, but on the basis of hers. If I can manage to maintain a constructive, exciting, long term sexual and emotional relationship with a woman who has 400 past lovers, I can pose a really strong argument that this speaks more to my own relationship and sexual prowess than maintaining a similar relationship with a virgin would.

Also, I don't think it's necessarily true that someone with higher numbers has higher skill or prowess. I've certainly known people who were more skilled, or who had attitudes that I liked better, who had higher numbers. I've also known people who had higher numbers whose attitudes, skills, and abilities weren't much to speak of.

Seems to me that attitudes and values around sex are far more important than numbers. Numbers might suggest a breadth of experience, they might not. And they say nothing about depth of experience. Asking after numbers of partners is, in my opinion, comparable to asking how long someone's longest long term relationship lasted.

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Profile   Post #: 172
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:15:20 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline 		I tell the truth, as best I know it. And I expect my partners to do likewise.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 173
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:16:47 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

When I meet a man, and on the first date he says "how many men have you slept with" that is not what he's asking.  He's asking "are you a slut? am I getting laid tonight?  or are you possible girlfriend material?" and so I will tell him a reduced number.  Because I want to and it's a really rude question anyway.


  This I don't get.  If man or woman on a first date, when communication or relationship is not established asks such a question, if that happened to me - I would just walk.  Why bother demeaning oneself by lying? Like the question justifies the lie? - no way and it just sucks.  Why lie when you can just save yourself the drama?
I would rather keep my dignity and just walk than bother wasting my time with someone thats I already know is going to go nowhere. 
 
Peace
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 9/18/2007 9:17:10 AM >

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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:19:48 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi
Thx thread you have changed my life


Yay! for constructive changes!

And this one sounds like a good one to me.

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Profile   Post #: 175
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:29:42 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

If I had 358 men in my lifetime, would that be a lie? or would it be truth?


I have no idea.

quote:


What would a man think about that?


Well, I'm a man, and what I would think of it would depend on the context in which the information was offered.

Did you just volunteer that on a first date over coffee? Or have we been fucking for three months and the information was by way of a late night bed time discussion after great sex in which I asked you point blank how many men you'd slept with?

If the former, I'd probably think you were a loon with some curious issues. If the latter, I'd probably just think "fascinating" and ask more questions.

quote:


Would it matter?


Some, yes.

quote:

Why would it be important? (lets leave out std's on this hypothetical).


To me, it speaks to a set of values and to past history. It might speak to your general interest in sexual exploration and/or to your interest in and/or ability to maintain a long term relationship. It also speaks to a different set of issues that someone whose number is more like 5 or 10.

Depending on your age, numbers in that range may also speak to either an interest in poly or some inherent deception on your part - part of the reason I'd be asking followup questions.

quote:


What is the truth guys? Would you not feel 'speshul' because 300ish others thought they were speshul???


That can go either way.

One might feel special because one's partner has had few partners and has picked one out specially.

Then again, most people prefer older doctors because younger doctors just dont' have as much experience. If a woman with 300+ partners picks me, and elects to maintain an ongoing, longish term, constructive, exciting, emotional and sexual relationship with me, that generally speaks more to me about my sexual and relationship prowess than less. I mean, if she has that much experience and knows that much about picking partners, and she's picked me, then I must be special in ways that being selected by a virgin, (who has no metric by which to compare), could not possibly express.

< Message edited by teamnoir -- 9/18/2007 9:36:36 AM >

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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:34:30 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Heck I met a girl this weekend who talked about how her dom didn't even want her buying a nifty dildo because it was bigger than his cock. Such secure mature open supporting relationships we have :)


Lol. When I went shopping for my first dildo, I went through several gyrations. What would it say about me if I bought one bigger than I am? What would it say about me if I bought one that was smaller? Or one that was realistic vs one that was more abstract?

Then I couldn't tell which were which without grasping them in my hand as though I were about to masturbate.

Eventually, I picked my first one in a size (and color) relatively close to my own. Subsequent purchases have explored all of these issues in different ways... :).

quote:


If a person wants to talk about it and wants to know about it and I feel it's right for the relationship, I'm completely open about it all.

However, if I go to a club looking for a hot fuck, I'm not going to be turned on by someone wanting a full history and analyzation and I'm not going to offer it up. I'll give a glossy "I've fucked a lot of people, I always use protection and I want to fuck you now." They are either ok with it or not. If not, then I'm cool with it and move on.


I'm similar. I'm likely to only ask in a relationship context. And I'm likely to be offended if someone asks in either a casual sex context or in the context of a first date. In both of those contexts, I believe that the answer shouldn't matter and if it does, then this is probably not someone I want to be interacting with at this level.

Usually, I'll argue about it first, though. :).

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Profile   Post #: 177
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 9:45:43 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I would never ask a woman about how many partners she has had....I will ask questions about what she enjoys or is curious about....I usually have a pretty good barometer as to whether a women is "into" me or not....Time will show if we are sexually compatible...I cannot for one moment understand what I can learn by some women spitting out a number of sex partners from her past ....I'm not fucking her past....I live in the now...That is what is truly of relevance to me.

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RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 10:17:39 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		See, I do ask about the number of partners as a means of gauging their sexual experience level.  A woman who says one or two (especially in her late twenties) I can expect to have a much more delicate conversation about sex with.  I'm not comfortable taking a girl who deeply and firmly believes that sex is an expression of love as my slave; she could end up very hurt by my own tastes.  Unless she's comfortable divorcing her sexuality and her emotions from time to time, it simply isn't going to be a happy ending for anyone.  The number of partners she's already had (combined with how she responds to other suggestions I offer) tell me a lot in terms of our compatibility.

Stephan


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Profile   Post #: 179
RE: Are you honest about your sexual past? - 9/18/2007 11:01:27 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		My past is the main thing that made me the person I am today just as today's actions will influence my future. My sexual past is a part of that and a part of who I am. Therefore I don't concider sexual history irrelevant. I see no reason to lie about it nor be ashamed about it. It isn't information that I give out to just anybody but If certain persons are curious I have no problem satisfying their curiosity. 

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Profile   Post #: 180
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