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Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 5:36:41 PM

cdude

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline

New guy here - please be gentle...

I'm just now opening my eyes to the world of Femdom... I'm intrigued. I've not ventured in yet, I'm still sorting it all out.

I've always been attracted to confident and strong women. I'm turned on by the idea of a strong woman calling the shots - guiding and directing me. I can imagine the appeal and excitement of physical pain in a sensual context as a submissive. But I'm working through my own level of acceptance with humiliation and maliciousness. I'm not comfortable with that.

Is it an inherant part of the lifestyle? If this sounds like a stupid question to you, so be it. I'm totally serious.

cdude

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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 5:42:03 PM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Personally, I do not think that the humiliation has to be a part of your relationship with a femdom. I am not so much into humiliating. Teasing yes - in a playful way - but flat out humiliating is not my kink. I like my fella to shine and excell and I prefer to acheive that without humiliating him - I want ot be proud of him. Basically, I believe what your relationship entails will be what you and the lady you are with decide it shall be - there are wide and vast variations to femdom imo.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 9/19/2007 5:43:06 PM >

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Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
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It takes a kinky village...

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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 5:44:09 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
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I have to say...I'm not a fan of humiliation at all.....I prefer pain, pleasure, houseboy activities...but I have no desire to degrade or dehumanize anyone.

So, yes it is possible *S*

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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 5:44:25 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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I suppose that depends on what your definition of humiliating is. However, everyone's kink is different and ocilla put it rather well, it's up to the couple, find someone that likes the same type of things your do or at the very least has the same perspective on the relationship as you do.

l

(in reply to cdude)

Post #: 4

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 5:45:50 PM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
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cdude... it is NOT manditory; it is a personal preference to both parties.

Myself? I prefer some gentle teasing but generally think more like you do; but that's just me.

Beverly

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This one, as well!

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Post #: 5

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 5:47:53 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
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Many underlying aspects of play stem from extremes of social norms. A possible reason you'll find lots of humiliation done by female dominants is because the stereotypical female is a submissive creature. To counter act that, you see female dominants acting like feminist extremists during play.

Now that's the intro to psych view. Personally, I think it's because humiliation is a great way to establish who holds the loopy end of the leash and who gets the clicky end. Even if underneath the "You're just a toy to me" there is true and powerful love, it can still be lots of fun. Humiliation is common for both female and male dominants, and runs the gamit from playful naughty talk to public acts beyond what I'd mention in mixed company (even on a BDSM website).

It isn't an inherent part of the lifestyle in the sense that it's certainly not required. I'm sure there are women out there that simply don't like it. And since she's the domme, what she says goes. As a potential submissive, be prepared to eat your fair share of humble pies.

Seems like you enjoy the pain/torture side of being submissive. You are a pain slut (perhaps). In your search be very clear and forthright about what you can and won't handle, and you'll be sure to find someone who's views fall in line with yours.

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Post #: 6

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 6:19:27 PM

submgreenbay

Posts: 69
Joined: 6/2/2006
Status: offline

I feel the same way. Not real comfortable with it, though I think it can have it's place.

quote:

I don't believe that humiliation won't illicit submission from a slave who wants to serve... slaves and submissives want to feel useful.

worm boys, sissysluts, dogboys and so on... might need to be humiliated ...to have their useless selfs pointed out and their uselessness proved.

I tend to agree with that and this from : http://www.cair4.com/tlesson1.htm

For most submissives, humiliation is erotic. Humiliation weakens him, and when he is weaker, he has less willpower and is easier to control. Perhaps the most common kink in submission is the desire to be humiliated. But for the most part it isn't good for him to be weaker, and you don't want him to be weaker.

Humiliating a man lowers his self-esteem and feelings of worth. With less self-esteem and worth This is exactly what the submissive wants, because less willpower means less self control and less ability to resist domination. In short, it can be erotic to the submissive. But the loss of self-esteem and worth is bad.

Erotic domination is measured by how excited the man is to obey and be controlled. Lifestyle domination is measured by how much he wants to please his Mistress and make her happy. Those are two different things. But if your knight is submissive, and if you can erotically dominate him while being caring, the lifestyle domination will follow. Unfortunately, many of the tricks for erotic domination work against the lifestyle domination. A recurring issue is how to erotically dominate your knight without undermining your lifestyle domination.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 7

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 7:19:44 PM

ShatteredUtopia

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

I started out as a submissive and still play at times in the submissive role. When I first started out this was a question that I had asked local frinds that had been in the lifestyle for longer. I am an extremely prideful person however I have my insecurites and one of those surrounds around my personal appearance and body. So something as simple as being naked was humilating for me. For me to be out of my element was humilating, giving up control was something that was extremely different because in every day life I am a control freak (over statement but I have always been in a leadership role in work/sports/school), and by doing so it was humilating.

I was definitely concerned about this and I had to basically sit down and figure out what it was, what my boundaries as far as humilation were, and which ones could be stretched. I am a big believer in challenge by choice that by challenging yourself by facing your fears you can become stronger but by being forced it can be extremely destructive. But for me there was a fine line as far as humilation between building me up and destroying and I desperately needed to figure out that line so that I could communicate that back to my Domme. Within the D/s relationship by focusing purely on pleasing my Domme and her providing me the positive reinforcement I was able to build the confidence to where humiliation in some aspects is not a problem.

Does that mean someone can completely humilate me? No. I still to this day avoid certain aspects with forced humilation. Sit down, figure out why you are against humilation. Identify your limits and why they are your limits because that will help you figure out what limits can be pushed, what can't be pushed.

I would also advise to be careful about who you should choose to be your first Domme (I am assuming since you did say you were new). I was lucky to have a beautiful relationship that allowed me to flourish under the control of a Domme that was willing to take the time and was experienced enough to know how best to teach me based on my personality.

(in reply to submgreenbay)

Post #: 8

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 7:27:17 PM

naughtytoddler

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline

OK..I'm POSTING AGAIN!! As I've said. I've gone through Dommes profiles..I've seen tons of them theat want to Use ALL MEN & Humilate them..Us..for their personal ATM's, put them in cages, inflict serious pain on them degrade them etc.. They even name call in their profiles.."piggy slut" etc. I find this P a t h e t i c. Now..There Maybe a select people on here that want to be treated like this? I find that to be a few and far in between but..What bugs me is these idiot females that want to use us men for their money & openly admit it on their profiles. callingall men their personal ATMs and crap..I got news for you alleged female dommes that do that.. GO GET A JOB! GET OFF YOUR ASSES & GET A JOB Like everyone else!

(in reply to ShatteredUtopia)

Post #: 9

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 7:35:24 PM

onlyHisgirl

Posts: 101
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline

i agree naughtytoddler...the few times i thought about finding a Domme and they were like "you will pay tribute"...uh, no. When do i get paid?! lol.

(in reply to naughtytoddler)

Post #: 10

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 7:51:34 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

There are different flavors of humiliation. In my opinion, more often humiliation occurs without any malicious intentions or emotional discomfort and is mutually sought for sake of expressing the D/s roles. When it is not mutually sought, that is a different matter.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to onlyHisgirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 7:55:39 PM

diklikr4u

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

it does not have to be humiliating.
Humiliation to some is an emotion and an experience that i do find as a positive experience.

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 12

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 7:59:33 PM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

nt,

I'm sorry, but I think you must not be aware just how MANY guys beg for this stuff! Really! I don't even have that sort of stuff in my profile, yet I regularly receive messages from guys begging me to treat them that way.

Fantasy or not, the numbers are there; you cannot blame some women for trying to fit that niche; it's just not that small!!!

And... even if you don't like it, why do you berate those who do? Imagine how you'd feel if ppl went off like that regarding ABs...

<sigh>
gawd, I feel like a mommy now

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This one, as well!

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Post #: 13

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 8:12:21 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Humiliation is an area in which you should tread lightly, especially if you are dealing with self esteem issues. If done correctly it can greatly enhance your sense of self worth and self confidence. If done badly, it can make things much, much worse. If you are uncertain it would be best not to go there at all until you have established a very good rapport with your Domme and feel that you can trust her. If she wants to humiliate you, make sure you have very thorough discussions about your concerns and make sure she really understands your self confidence issues. Even then she should start with small steps and do a little poking to find out which areas are really tender and which are just ticklish.

And no, humiliation is not mandatory.

(in reply to diklikr4u)

Post #: 14

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 8:21:06 PM

LadyAlzara

Posts: 38
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline

Humilation is in the eye of the beholder. I have slaves who long for it...from being My ashtray to My pony. Each submissive comes to a Domme with a whole set of personal baggage all their own. It's My responsibility to see if I can wade through the crap and find a core I can touch in My special way. Humiliation, verbal or otherwise, is something you work out with the Domme who trains you. I mean, honestly, after awhile, no matter what name I call you...it loses its flavor. So, for Me, I'm not big on verbal humilation...lol...but I will do cbt and take you to the mall. So its a matter of preference...for both the Top and the bottom.
Z

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(in reply to MsBearlee)

Post #: 15

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 8:32:31 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

In short, no. It doesn't have to be humiliating.

Humiliation, however, is a sticky subject since it's widely up to interpretation.

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(in reply to cdude)

Post #: 16

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 10:31:45 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAlzara

Humilation is in the eye of the beholder.

I was going to say that! lol I enjoy objectification of all kinds. It's just me being "playful", though my submissive processes it as "humiliating," and can't believe the positions he finds himself in ... for me.

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a.k.a. "mean Lady"

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Post #: 17

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 11:00:15 PM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

For instance - even though I myself am an atrocious speller etc, I might still tease you about misspelling humiliating in the title of your thread. he he - just could not stop myself...

< Message edited by ocilla -- 9/19/2007 11:15:27 PM >

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 18

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/19/2007 11:48:28 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtytoddler

OK..I'm POSTING AGAIN!! As I've said. I've gone through Dommes profiles..I've seen tons of them theat want to Use ALL MEN & Humilate them..Us..for their personal ATM's, put them in cages, inflict serious pain on them degrade them etc.. They even name call in their profiles.."piggy slut" etc. I find this P a t h e t i c. Now..There Maybe a select people on here that want to be treated like this? I find that to be a few and far in between but..What bugs me is these idiot females that want to use us men for their money & openly admit it on their profiles. callingall men their personal ATMs and crap..I got news for you alleged female dommes that do that.. GO GET A JOB! GET OFF YOUR ASSES & GET A JOB Like everyone else!

Feel better, dude?

You're entitled to your opinions. You are also entitled to your kinks. You are even entitled to your opinions about kinks.

But so is everyone else.

Therefore! Feel free to step back, take a breath, and step down from the soap box! Others are allowed to play how they want, and if you don't want to, you don't have to. I understand it can be frustrating if you are contacted by people that are incompatible.
Someone being incompatible with you doesn't make them bad or wrong, just not right for you.

You can delete an unsolicited email from a financial domme just as well as I can a wanker. Now, if you are contacting them for some reason, well, you're bringing it upon yourself.

< Message edited by iammachine -- 9/19/2007 11:50:41 PM >

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I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

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Post #: 19

RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/20/2007 8:00:31 AM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline

Hi CDude,

I love humiliation play just makes me all happy and gooey. But I’ll be the first to say if the person I’m with isn’t into then it can go sit in a box and not come out again. Just to emphasis it is not an inherent part of D/s (in general other it might just be an inherent need they have).

Now humiliation play has so many different elements to it, so I would talk to them about what they consider humiliation play first. I personally like humiliation play mixed in with humor, and never use it to make my partner sad. Then it wouldn’t be fun. (By the way I like humiliation play directed at me too).

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 20

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