MaamJay
Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: breatheasone
MaamJay, Thank you for sharing your story...it really opened my eyes to a few things...it was very gracious of you. I do realize I need to do something...ANYTHING different...I am striving to discover those things now in fact...I mean I am a reasonably intelligent woman...I should be able to think through this. I just wish I knew what to focus on 1st ..or what might be the best diversion activities for me to engage in....I am fairly confident that I'll come up with something though. I used to tell my kids..."When that burden gets heavy enough, you'll put it down." Its getting mighty heavy.....
My pleasure to share hon, I am always hopeful of helping others avoid the same pitfalls I fell into! From being on the receiving end, I know how hurtful it can be to your Master to have positives recycled into negatives.
In terms of what specifically you need to DO differently ... well you've had some suggestions here. But ideally you and your Master need to sit down and generate a list of things that you do that are inappropriate ... whether they are habitual or only occur under certain stresses. For example, you might habitually come out with negative self talk ... 'i'm useless, i'm stupid, i'm worthless" ... whatever it is that you say. That could be an item on your list ... No more negative self talk, these statements are to be replaced with positives such as 'i'm useful to Master, i am an intelligent woman, Master says i am worth a million dollars to Him" etc etc. Or maybe another thing is you keep your fear bottled up until it breaks out in one huge rush. That could be an item on your list ... i will write my fears down in my journal, no matter how small they seem, and share them with Master so He understands more of where i am coming from. Obviously I don't know for sure what your specific problems are, I'm just guessing from what was in your posts. But you and Master will know ... you need to compile the list together. If it seems like a HUGE list, agree on say 3 things to focus on as number 1 priority. It's then good to discuss specifically how Master might be vigilant that you are putting these changes into effect and what would be a good way for Him to gently but firmly remind you that you are straying from your new positive path. Some consistent work at this from the both of Y/you and it can be amazing what can be accomplished. you ARE capable of unlearning old behaviour patterns and relearning new ones ... if you want to and if you put in consistent effort. It really is important that this is a combined effort from the both of Y/you ... in identifying the problems, generating alternatives/solutions/strategies and then in being vigilant about sticking to the new ways. Look at it this way ... you've been trying to deal with this alone for years, without a great deal of success, about time to bring in reinforcements to the battle!
I'll close with a couple of little examples of what Master and i do. i have a problem with rocking to and fro unconsciously. Used to be REALLY bad (no one else EVER told me about it!) ie i was close to headbanging the people i was talking to! ... Master has been working consistently on that with me for 3 years now. No, i'm not a slow learner (or at least i don't think so LOL!) but it is tough to break as i am totally unaware that i am doing it. If W/we're alone, Master asks "any reason why you are rocking pet?" which brings it to my attention and awareness. Sometimes there is a reason eg my back is stiff and it's a way of easing it ... other times, no reason. i can stop it when i am aware. If W/we are out, He tries to catch my attention and gives me a warning look, wags His finger or pokes me in the back!
Now, being a Domme as well as a sub sometimes catches me out and i find myself answering Master in the "wrong persona". (The worst was when i called Him pet LMAO!). Instead of taking umbrage He says things like "Who is that talking to Me?" or "Who am I talking to at the moment?" or "I think your capitals are showing pet" or "Is that a top hat on your head?" They're all gentle reminders ... and they work!
Hopefully you and your Master can find some creative and kind ways to remind you to change your ways.
All the very best!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)
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RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... - 
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Yes. Insecurity shows and the more you worry, the worse it gets. If one annoys another enough with this self centered fear, there are those who will twist it, twist your fear until your mind spins and you fly scattered crashing into walls. ( I have even said the exact opposite of what I was thinking in the past, because I could read the other's doubt) 
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