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RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/6/2005 6:29:31 PM   
SadisticPrincess


Posts: 87
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		I've been following this discussion with some interest, and it seems to me that we have hit the point of circularity.

Pollux, what are you saying exactly? You've said that cheating----or some definition of cheating that isn't codified----is a Bad Thing. You've also said that subsuming your own desires for the greater good---in this case, the relationship/marriage---is also a bad thing.

Have we beaten this horse to death, or is there some new territory to cover?

_____________________________

Ms Francine
Headmistress, Michigan Club Fem

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 241
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/6/2005 7:13:58 PM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		Ok People this has gone on long enough. The perfect male is right at the end of this link.

http://www.collarme.com/details.asp?px=imtempting

Grammer errors and slight spelling mistakes just means im not perfect yet. Room for improovement.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 242
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/6/2005 7:19:12 PM   
Shayna


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline 		LOL! Perfectly young and far away.


(in reply to imtempting)
Profile   Post #: 243
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/6/2005 7:30:06 PM   
TiNeedsHouseboy


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Big Apple blossom blown to The Windy City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux ... the part I was referring to was this:

quote:

TiNeedsHouseboy
To that end, if I can't share my deepest needs with my significant other, and if he can't feel the same way about me, then we clearly are not in love.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
I guess I think that's the goal of love, or the idealized view of it. I don't think that necessarily has to be there at the start. I think there are plenty of people in relationships where real love is present but where each still has very deep unmet or unshared needs.


I couldn't agree more that needs may end up unmet. That's where you get into the limits and squick cement wall -- which is why I adore the Rolling Stones' tune's notion:

"You can't always get what you want
But if you try
Sometimes
You get what you need."


My stand is that if you're IN love -- not just attached, not just there for the sake of the kids, not just settling because you think you can't do any better, not just staying through inertia after the original flames of passion died -- then you have faith in the stability of that relationship and trust in your partner. Faith plus trust plus love allow you to say, "<insert your favorite endearment for your partner>, can we figure out a time for a long talk about how we can make our relationship even closer and more special than it is now? I have a burning need that I need to discuss with you." (With that, if she's standing, she faints dead away.... given the paradox of men cringing when they hear the phrase, "Honey, we need to talk.")

I do NOT suggest that the guy then leap into a roster of his secret kinks. For success to occur, you need a progressive, gradual unraveling of urges. After all, libido and submission are journeys of discovery. Either or both partners may end up realizing that (s)he doesn't enjoy blazing paths to uncharted territories, or for some reason, one of the partners may decide that (s)he likes the new paths, but wants an entirely different partner for that journey.... leading to the relationship's demise.

For a fascinating and heart-wrenching real-life example, check out:

Two Hearts ... One Soul
< The site is static, except for shani's journal. >


They met in an AOL vanilla chat room, keeping their Dom/sub desires totally hidden. When the marriage was on the verge of collapse, those needs finally emerged, and let them blaze a new trail. Tragically, for reasons that are unclear, the husband (Dom) emotionally checked out of the marriage a couple of years ago, and they are now heading to divorce. The wife (sub) is registered on CollarMe, but I have no clue if she reads Ask a Mistress.

<Yo! Pam/shani! If you're surfing past, give us a shout out and toss in your two cents!>

Generally, if it's a guy who's submissive (as opposed to seeking to dominate a wife/girlfriend, which presents probable bigger ewwww reactions from the woman), and his partner is clueless about those needs, I would advise him to lay the groundwork toward this sort of talk by spending a few months actually engaging in self-assigned submissive behaviors. This brings us back to Steve's remarks a couple of pages back:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Euryanx
I had a nice vanilla woman, who loved me dearly, and whom I loved dearly. I fear i blew the relationship trying to bring
some very low grade BDSM into the relationship. Just the very thought of what i was suggesting turned her off completely
and utterly destroyed what was a very beautiful relationship. Some vanilla women just do NOT want to go there - and just
the suggestion of it is so revolting to them it totally changes their viewpoint of you.


Question about "low grade BDSM:" Can you please define what that means? Individual differences shape a whole boodle of notions about what comprises "low."

Did you dredge up these activities from out of the blue?.... Like, "Hey, babe! Lookit these hot handcuffs! Put 'em on me and sit on my face!" ...Or did you pave a path to opening that door? Also, realistically, if she's that "anti-alternate-anything," would this truly be someone you could stay with without feeling you're being untrue to your needs? In other words, could love put a lid on submissive needs? If not, where does that leave you?

Assuming one might have a shot at pulling off a successful vanilla conversion, possible "preparatory" alternatives could be: Volunteer to help around the apartment/house, rather than waiting to be assigned a chore. Help with cooking, even if it's only peeling a carrot because you're afraid you'll burn water. During moments of sexual intimacy, when the action is pretty far along, and she's dripping wet, ask for permission to ejaculate. (If she's taken aback and asks if you've gone to Planet Banana-rama Coo-Coo Puffs, all that's required is to say something like, "It would really be a turn-on for me if you'd let me know when you'd like me to cum.)

That gives the guy a chance to test out his desires in a non-threatening way, to see if it truly rocks his world to be submissive to his partner, or if he's just having bottoming fantasies.... in which case, I'd say his probability of "selling" those to his partner decreases significantly -- unless they can figure out a dependable bartering system, where both partners feel satisfied and neither feels exploited nor freaked out.

It also gives the guy a chance to plan out what he wants to say. Sometimes it's best to create a letter that the partner can read in his presence when the "big reveal" arrives. That way, if he's too nervous to say what he wants to say, he can let the letter convey his thoughts. They can then discuss what's in the letter.

Once a path is paved to the discussion, when the big moment arrives for "the talk," the puzzle pieces have a fighting chance to fall into place. Rather than say, "I'm a kinky perv," his revelation would be more readily accepted if he discloses that he's consumed by an overwhelming passion to please her and care for her needs because she's the most important person in his life -- as his lifemate, mother to his kids, companion, lover, etc. Let her then bask in the warmth of taking the reins. Let HER decide what she'd enjoy most from him. This is no time to top from the bottom!... though IMO it's fine for the sub partner to ask if she has questions. (She's likely swimming in them -- up to and including: does this mean you think I've been a nightmare as your lover so far?) If she says she does, and if the guy feels like he's not expert enough to reply with authority, or if he's too nervous, turn to trusted Internet sources. (Remember! Just because someone has a website and makes a claim about expertise, that does not give the claim validity! Lots of wheat and chaff need to be sorted on the web.) Ask if she'd be interested in reading intriguing online informational websites that they might review as a shared experience. <NO!!!! NOT PORN BDSM SITES!!!> If she says yes, then direct her to sites like the Caring Domination site, which speaks directly to her needs.

If she's getting into it after a few weeks, try sharing an aspect of those desires that lurk in the realm of darker secrets. Above all, don't launch into a discussion on, "Honey, I have these needs that make most of the world view me as a pervert and I want you to join my in my pervy quest. So, here's some Saran Wrap and candles for you to turn me into a waxed over mummy. Then forbid me to cum, and force me to give you 63 orgasms before I can have one."

One of the quandaries I've noticed with "hidden" subs is they often get into relationships with manipulative, rather than dominant, women. Needless to say, when they attempt a "vanilla conversion," the attempt falls on its nose.

I have more to say, but will continue with an alternate post/quote in this thread. I'll be back!

~ Ti ~

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 244
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/6/2005 8:04:58 PM   
TiNeedsHouseboy


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Big Apple blossom blown to The Windy City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
And, surprisingly, in *many* of those cases the sub thought it through and decided to talk to his spouse. And in many of these cases, it worked out for the better.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
And in the cases it didn't, what happened?


This is a dynamic that I've been waiting to toss out.... waiting for the right moment to arrive in the thread.... and here we are!

This is an all-purpose head scratcher, not just a dilemma faced by subs or Dom/mes. In fact, it isn't even limited to kink. I've heard countless tales of guys whose wives refuse to get involved with oral sex -- giving or receiving -- and the husband is fed up with having to beg to let his wife “tolerate” cunnilingus. In one case, the wife's reaction was to tell him that he should go have an affair if oral was all that important to him.

Several married vanilla couples come to mind immediately regarding the D/s challenge. The husbands (some Dom, some sub) attempted to discuss their "secret" needs with their wives. The wives' reaction was something in the ballpark of, "You're a sick pervert. You need a psychiatrist. I don't ever want to hear another word about it."

What does the husband do when he feels he loves his wife, he loves their compatibility as people building a life -- and in some cases, raising kids -- together, he loves to be able to talk with her, have sex with her, go out together, do all the stuff that couples do.... but his wife has shut him down and out regarding any possibility of ever attempting to explore his kinks with his life partner?

This is a very difficult road to hack, particularly when they’re younger and hormones are bubbling. I know of two Dom guys in their early 50s, who tell me that the Dom urge is losing its luster as those pesky hormones are settling down. At this phase, they're able to sublimate, rather than seek a partner outside the relationship.

It's a conundrum, if ever there was one!

~ Ti ~

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 245
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/7/2005 12:29:53 AM   
BostonGuy


Posts: 21
Joined: 4/6/2004
Status: offline 		Having read this lengthy and superb thread, there are, amazingly in this 13 page document, several points that have not been addressed. These all share a common theme – people are hurt when they have differing expectations in a relationship from those of the other person. This is as true in business, vanilla relationships, and friendships as it is here. Many of these points will be obvious to the people in the relationship. There will be others, however, such as those involved with monogamy, that may be less clear and need to be discussed. These include:

1. The definitions of “domme” and of “submissive” are as open to negotiation as are the diverse types of relationships that the two individuals may enter into.

Example A: a man who is a masochist and enjoys specific types of pain play is neither dominant nor submissive. However, as the Collarme.com options are limited to dominant, switch, or submissive he selects “submissive.” Ideally, he will meet a woman who is not dominant per se, but is a sadist, which is also not an option here (she would likely select “dominant” as a choice). As a result, such men may be perceived as “do me boy” types since they have no more interest in being service-oriented than is the typical non-submissive individual.

Example B: a man who seeks a mutually monogamous, long-term, loving relationship in which the two people connect on many levels and in which the domme/sub dynamic is confined to the bedroom (as Akasha put it, “a relationship that is ultimately vanilla/equal, with ‘flashes’ of femdom, or even only femdom in the context of sexual relations. Some people do that.”) is on one end of a spectrum. Though many people here, both men and women, profess the wish for a long-term relationship, there is an undercurrent that if the relationship is not one of 24/7 TPE submission, it is not “real.” This man may be labeled as a “do me” submissive since the submission is limited to matters that are sexual. Interestingly, a dominant woman with similarly constrained interests is not labeled as a “do me” dominant by most men nor is she said to merely be “exploring her kinky desires”, a term that is used about these men to minimize their legitimacy within the D/s community. There is, however, a spectrum of interest in sexual submission that ranges from being totally vanilla to enjoying “tie and tease” (slowly masturbating one’s partner while he or she is bound was in the book “The Joy of Sex” more than two decades ago) to including other sexual submission and BDSM, to the very edge-play oriented activities. Some people in the scene maintain that “BDSM is not about sex” which is fine if it makes them happy, but not a view that I adhere to. Why, then, is CBT common and torture of fingernails uncommon? Where on the spectrum an individual falls is likely to vary somewhat over time, depending on experience and the activities that interest willing partners. To state that those people who fall on one part of the spectrum are “not really into D/s” (or BDSM) is as divisive and potentially angering as saying that those on the very far end who incorporate edge play are “sick” and need urgent psychiatric care. Judge not…And do recognize that person beginning his or her exploration may not be the right one for you now, but may well have different interests in the future. I did not begin my explorations with BDSM by receiving genital electrotorture with a stun gun. It began with tie and tease. And, needless to say, a person who is new and is here is already more open to D/s or BDSM than is the potentially open-minded vanilla person who you may date. As this site does not have the ability to selectively search for individuals on the basis of the domination/submission dynamic as one of several options (24/7; service-oriented only; sexual only, as examples), people with differing ideas regarding their ideal D/s relationship and who are legitimately using this site to meet someone may become jaded because of the numerous communications with people who are not on the same wavelength. This is a very basic flaw that can be easily addressed by the programmers if there was a wish to do so.

2. Honesty: On the internet this is even less common than it is in life in general (except for politics and used car sales). Each of us can, no doubt, give numerous personal examples, such as:

Example A, marital status: I met a woman for dinner who was “divorced” according to her profile. This was not the case. She was not separated either. She was married and lived with her husband. This is certainly very, very familiar to women who have met men who lied about their marital status. We did not get past the appetizers.

Example B, experience: My personal favorite example is that of a man who said that he had quite a bit of experience (several years) in BDSM. After meeting a dominant woman at a play party who was readying her implements for his use, it turned out that his “experience” was limited to chat rooms and that he had not had so much as a hand touch his bottom.

Example C, appearance: This includes having a posted (or exchanged) photo that is inaccurate due to the age of the photo, lying about height (the short man who adds a couple of inches to his height) or weight (people of both genders who subtract anything from several pounds to many pounds). As mutual attraction is important, both people are in for a disappointment if the height, weight, or photo is inaccurate. It is also a terrible way to begin a relationship.

Example D, relationship goals: When one person pretends to wish for the type of relationship sought by the other individual, such as claiming an interest in a long-term relationship when the true interest is “scenes”, someone will be hurt.

3. Monogamy and other such things: the individuals with whom people in a relationship engage in either sexual or non-sexual vanilla, D/s, or BDSM activities is an issue that both people need to feel comfortable with. It may be interesting to look over these questions with someone with whom you are involved:

Example A: Two people have a mutually monogamous relationship. One also wishes to maintain the “play partners” with which he or she had “non-sexual scenes” in the past. These may involve activities such as CBT, nipple torture, or other activities that do not bring these people to an orgasm but do require full or partial nudity. Is this consistent with monogamy?

Example B: One of the two people is occasionally bisexual and does not feel that having a sexual relationship with someone of his or her own gender is a breach of monogamy. The other person feels differently, that sex with someone outside of a mutually monogamous relationship is inconsistent with monogamy, no matter what the gender of the partner. This person feels that there is no good reason why one of the two people in the relationship should feel comfortable having sexual encounters outside of the relationship while the other person does not do so as a result of being “straight.”

Example C: The dominant individual feels that it is okay to have more than one sexual relationship but that the submissive partner should not be permitted this.

Example D: The dominant individual has only one person who is a sexual partner in a monogamous long-term relationship but has additional “slaves” or “submissives” with whom the relationship is non-sexual. The “stable” may be added to over time. This may or may not be problematic to the primary relationship.

Example E: Both the domme and the sub are content to be in a poly relationship. The domme feels that she should be able to have a sexual relationship with anyone she chooses but that the sub should ask for her permission to become involved with an additional person.

(in reply to TiNeedsHouseboy)
Profile   Post #: 246
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/7/2005 8:30:13 AM   
TiNeedsHouseboy


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Big Apple blossom blown to The Windy City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
...it's like walking up to a preschooler struggling to put the blue circle in the blue hole and asking him to solve a series of partial differential equations.


Partial differential equations!!!! LMBO. Good one!... especially after a self-professed "interloper" on a parallel thread accused me of creating pretentious polysyllabic text. Glad to see I'm not the only one who writes more than single syllables, and uses analogies to higher educational concepts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Akasha
You are getting off on a tangent now from the original point -- and that is whether or not a *femdom* is better off exploring her kinks with one partner and having a loving vanilla relationship with someone else. You've been finding here that most kinky women, at least here, have no problem being in a relationship with a man who fills both roles.


This is an issue that's driving me batty. Can I maintain poly relationships? Yes. Would I prefer my life structured that way? No.

Ideally, I'd like to be able to literally put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. If life has taught me anything, it's that what I want and what I get are regularly quite different. I constantly have to figure out how to play the cards dealt to me by that big gambling casino in the sky.

The story of my existing long-term relationship is complex. He was only supposed to be my rebound relationship while I healed from a crushing break-up. He never wanted to make a commitment. He only wanted to take our relationship one day at a time. Well, it's now pushing 19 years of one day at a time.

We're very compatible intellectually and on a creative level. After that, we're a very poor match. More often than not, he's more like the brother I never had. I don't want him out of my life, but I refuse to facilitate the emotional/libidinal void that exists.

I went through an extended period where I had to attend to family needs and was constantly on a plane between New York City and Chicago. Now that my life doesn't rotate around my parents' failing health (being an only child can be a bitch!), it's time to fill my void. That's why I decided to pursue a poly household.

Given the need to have ongoing open communication about feelings to make a poly household work, I'm not certain how my current partner will be able to handle that. Suffice it to say that discussing what's in his gut is not one of his strengths.

He knows about my houseboy search. I'm not sure he understands the implications if I find someone who'll be a successful match with me. I'll just have to cross that path when I come to it, as I've done with every other path that's intersected to date. (Translation: I can only control what happens in "Ti-Land." Unlike prevailing self-professed BDSM goddesses, whose Female Supremacy aspirations delude them into total control, I am not foolish enough to think I can control the universe and walk above all men.)

I have to wonder how many people with poly households have them because they're filled with bubbling, boundless love, or because it was the only way to meet emotional/libidinal needs that screamed for more than a single partner could provide. This is a hideously complex challenge that I suspect faces countless people, independent of BDSM.

~ Ti ~

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 247
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/7/2005 10:09:59 AM   
SlaveR1


Posts: 26
Joined: 7/20/2005
Status: offline 		I have been reading bits and pieces of this on going discussion. Now I can't speak for anyone else but myself. In order for any relationship to work you need to be somewhat compatible. You can hoist anyone up on the ceiling and electrocute them. I think you need to have some physical attractiveess to each other. Common interests, mutual respect (of course in your prosective roles) and comparable education. You need to have a clear understanding in what and how Mistress wants everyday life to go. Another words, what's is your daily routine going to be. Does Mistress want to establish a long term relationship? I feel the more commitment there is to the relationship, the more intense play is. I also don't think it's a bad idea to spend a week or two with your prospective Mistress (in either a non play or very limited play environment) to get to know her and get a preview of the surroundings which you will be in. Too many people on this network just jump into situations blind. I would rather wait a year and have the possibility of either a long term or a permanent relationship, because that's where the satisfaction is going to be. The two biggest obstacles in everyones's way is not taking the time to get to know the other person and not knowing what they really want (which go hand in hand). I can't remember who said this, but I can tell you wheather I want lunch or dinner and where I want to have it. I don't know who you have been dealing with (please don't take this personally). I just never heard talk like this. My final point is , EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE.

(in reply to TiNeedsHouseboy)
Profile   Post #: 248
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/7/2005 11:16:59 AM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		I've already posted a couple times in this thread but want to add something a little different this time. Finding a partner works both ways as many have alluded to several times already. What I've discovered over the years in my own quest is a change in my perception of why people are looking in the first place and the pitfalls one will encounter trying to make contact through dedicated channels such as Collarme.

It seems to me the first barrier anyone needs to get through whether Dominant or submissive is their own preconceptions about others. When I first started out, I had it in my head that because this lifestyle is not "out there" in the mainstream and can cause a lot of difficulties with the vanilla world, that people would naturally gravitate towards sources where they can meet other like-minded individuals. I thought the Internet would be a perfect resource to this end.

But I quickly discovered the problem everyone knows about of the many insincere people out there who are muddying up the waters so to speak. This is further confounded by the variety of reasons why those who are sincere...are online as well. The majority of profiles here and on other sites are not looking for a mate and it seems to me there's something of a fog being created as a result.

Most profiles (from Dommes) appear to be looking for a submissive or slave but not a mate. Why?...many are already married or have a significant other, many others are here looking for clients, and the rest are a mix of reasons too large to detail here. But the number of profiles where it's clearly stated they are looking for a mate is very small. I can't say why but I have a hunch most people who are living the lifestyle and have a partner found each other outside the Internet (either through local groups, networking, or spontaneously in the vanilla world).

Meeting someone online and following it through to meeting in person and finding out there's a good match is the exception...not the rule. I know there are many out there who've had success and they will probably post a message stating their case but they are not the majority. I think it's a mistake to think what works for some will work in general.

There's one other issue I'd like to point out. It's very difficult for a submissive to embrace the idea of meeting someone who's not already a declared "Dominant" and somehow turn them on to the idea. Again, I know this has been done but it goes against the grain of what the dynamic between a Domme and her sub is all about. I've tried this on several occasions and the result was I found myself being in the director's chair.

Dominants complain about "do me" subs and bottoming from the top. A truly submissive person is not looking to control the situation...at all. For myself, I want to work at pleasing my partner, not being her advisor on what she may or may not want to explore. I don't think it's being lazy on my part to want to meet someone who knows who they are and what they want. After all, I've done my own sole searching and know what I'm looking for. If the other person hasn't done this, they are floundering and it will be very apparent.

So, because of this issue I find myself coming back to places like Collarme hoping to find a Dominant partner even though I know the odds are extremely small I will ever find her. If I look for someone in the vanilla world, the odds are equally small I will happen to meet someone who would naturally embrace this lifestyle. In my view, if they had that inclination already inside they would be engaging in it.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 249
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/7/2005 4:51:01 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		So BostonGuy(if I understand you correctly), your point is that clear and honest communication of desires and expectations is important?
Great post!
Welcome to the boards. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to BostonGuy)
Profile   Post #: 250
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/8/2005 12:22:29 AM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

GentleLady:

You say "things have never turned out for the best". Fine, but are you absolutely sure you know what's best?


I was not the person saying that things had not turned out for the best when people have had affairs behind the backs of their SOs...this was what the married couples had to say in each case. I would never be so arrogant to say what is best for someone else's life.

Gentle Lady



_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 251
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/9/2005 6:02:48 AM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TiNeedsHouseboy

Partial differential equations!!!! LMBO. Good one!... especially after a self-professed "interloper" on a parallel thread accused me of creating pretentious polysyllabic text. Glad to see I'm not the only one who writes more than single syllables, and uses analogies to higher educational concepts.
~ Ti ~





Ti, all I have to say is, anyone with the word "phenotype" in their profile is ok in my book. ;)

(in reply to TiNeedsHouseboy)
Profile   Post #: 252
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/10/2005 11:48:04 PM   
TiNeedsHouseboy


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Big Apple blossom blown to The Windy City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
Ti, all I have to say is, anyone with the word "phenotype" in their profile is ok in my book. ;)

You have no idea how many people have no clue what that means (which I find scary, since I had to learn it in JUNIOR high school bio when we studied Mendel) and can't be bothered looking it up. (OY!) So, they simply ignore it. (Double OY!)

Guess we'll have to label ourselves mutual-admiration-society-effete-intellectual-snob-theoretical-elitists!?!?! (Does that qualify as a kink?) LMBO.

~ Ti ~

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 253
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/11/2005 12:42:25 AM   
TiNeedsHouseboy


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Big Apple blossom blown to The Windy City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BostonGuy
As this site does not have the ability to selectively search for individuals on the basis of the domination/submission dynamic as one of several options (24/7; service-oriented only; sexual only, as examples), people with differing ideas regarding their ideal D/s relationship and who are legitimately using this site to meet someone may become jaded because of the numerous communications with people who are not on the same wavelength. This is a very basic flaw that can be easily addressed by the programmers if there was a wish to do so.

Interesting post.


I beg to differ regarding the programmer matter. Certainly, additional categorizations could be addressed by software, but I don't view that as a priority. For me, the critical matter is whether a profile poster demonstrates the initiative and motivation to create a detailed description that explains where he fits along that continuum of needs. If he doesn't know, then "I'm trying to figure it out" is satisfactory.... but doesn't get the person off the hook from creating a thoughtful profile.

It grates on my nerves when people prefer the easy out, like letting software take responsibility for what they should be doing themselves. (I'm not saying that's what YOU do. I'm merely saying that it's a common occurrence.)

Unless someone is doing an international search, where that level of software differentiation is truly required, the lack of additional options is not an impediment for the volume of profiles I eyeball. Frankly, there are the same handfuls of local users who log on day after day. None of them would be a good fit in my life. No amount of software tweaking can compensate for that.

That's not to say I haven't attempted long distance contacts, too. It's led to me investing inordinate amounts of time in guys who, in the final analysis, are not sincere about finding a long-term, committed, serving relationship with anyone. Some even try to fit into the realm of "buddy," only for me to discover that they're hoping I'll cyber-Domme them until they dig up a piece of real-time Domme butt to serve.

How can software delineate sincerity, values and motivation?

~ Ti ~


(in reply to BostonGuy)
Profile   Post #: 254
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/11/2005 6:33:17 AM   
cbtFemDom


Posts: 6
Joined: 7/15/2005
Status: offline 		A Member said:

I wonder if a good D/s relationship, because it involves more stressful situations, might require that the partners be individually more 'together' and as a couple be more in tune with each other compared an vanilla relationship between those two people.

As the Top of a successful partnership based on D/s and from personal experience, I believe what makes a good D/s relationship is Communication, Trust and Negotiations. I've never had any `nilla relationship that forced me to communicate about the smallest details, that if hidden away, could cause not just emotional pain, but actual physical damage. Honest communication should at the very least, begin with hard limits, health issues, work and family life as a starting point.

Communication builds Trust that allows us to do What It Is We Do. Trust in that person you can't hardly wait to use in so many delicious ways, has been clear and open in their communication and are intelligent enough to know when to call their SafeWord. From the bottom there must be Trust in that the person you long to submit to will respect your Hard Limits when in Control and will always have your safety in the forefront of their mind.

When Trust has been established, both Top and bottom have set the stage for the very important, time consuming, and revealing Negotiations. For my beloved slut and me, our negotiations covered everything from household chores and finical issues to whom we would play with socially and who's Family we would spend Christmas with. After 7 years of marriage, our day to day living AND BDSM life have changed through the years, but I can say without reservation that it was our foundation of love has kept us strong, and communication allowed us to change and grow as life-partners

Having set Rules, born of Communication and Trust, Negotiations by both parties will lessens the chances of hitting landmines down the rosy path of any life. How many `nilla relationships fail due to the lack of communication before they marry? I know in the 10+ years I have loved and lived the BDSM lifestyle, I've spoken to hundreds of gents who, because they weren't honest about their nature before they say I Do, are now hip high in unhappiness and fulfilling their needs in the back streets of Cyber Town.

I have written an essay on this subject from a Fem Dom's perspective.
Why Oh Why Can't You Find The One?

Your comments are always welcome and appreciated.

Madame

Rule # 26
If it isn't enhancing your Life,
it shouldn't be happening.




(in reply to SadisticPrincess)
Profile   Post #: 255
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/11/2005 10:40:00 AM   
albanynewbie


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline 		i wish i had read that 20 years ago, i might be alot happier now! thanks

(in reply to cbtFemDom)
Profile   Post #: 256
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/11/2005 3:13:22 PM   
ManOwner


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline
quote:

GoddessDustyGold:

So, while we are on the subject of high expectations, I thought I would be nice for once and take a moment to reply to this email I just received.

hello please let me be YOur little slut slave for life?

This was My reply:

Ok...let Me know when you are heading to Phoenix. Can you be here by this weekend?


That's so cool. I did the same thing awhile back to some guy from Canada who emailed me. My reply was, "Great. I'll pick you up at the airport tomorrow."

I mean, what do these long-distance guys expect? The standard line is, "Well, we'll talk online and on the phone, and if we get along I'll come visit you a few times, and if that goes well one of us can relocate."

As IF! Anyone with a little experience knows that a relationship built up through phone and email conversation before meeting in person counts for almost nothing when the rubber meets the road.

Moreover, how could one get to know a person well enough, after only a few brief visits, to be able to decide to relocate? It's ridiculous. Like so many have pointed out previously, most local contacts turn out to be a waste of time. It makes no sense at all to invest in someone from far away.

P.S. Many of you have said things here that hit home with me so much, and I would really like to add quotes from you to my online profile. It would save about two weeks of conversation with each new male sub I meet. I will give full credit, but please contact me and let me know if you would object.

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 257
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/12/2005 2:14:19 AM   
TiNeedsHouseboy


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Big Apple blossom blown to The Windy City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ManOwner
Many of you have said things here that hit home with me so much, and I would really like to add quotes from you to my online profile. It would save about two weeks of conversation with each new male sub I meet.

<Make way for the buckets of cold water> As noted throughout these boards, males rarely attend to the contents of women's profiles. Why do you think that they'll read your profile?

Besides, your profile proclaims content of such detail and length that it must be e-mailed. Wouldn't you be better served if you create a postable Reader's Digest version of the tome that your wrote, rather than cobbling together a kinkster's version of Barrett's Book of CollarMe Message Board Quotations?

Shouldn't prospective applicants have YOUR writing samples/style, not other women's?

~ Ti ~

(in reply to ManOwner)
Profile   Post #: 258
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/12/2005 7:15:12 AM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TiNeedsHouseboy

Guess we'll have to label ourselves mutual-admiration-society-effete-intellectual-snob-theoretical-elitists!?!?! (Does that qualify as a kink?) LMBO.

~ Ti ~



Kink, no. Kinky acronym, yes.

MASEISTE ......... MAITESSE?

(in reply to TiNeedsHouseboy)
Profile   Post #: 259
RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 8/12/2005 10:10:06 AM   
ManOwner


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline
quote:

TiNeedsHouseboy:


males rarely attend to the contents of women's profiles. Why do you think that they'll read your profile?


I don't necessarily think that most males will read my profile. However, it saves me a lot of wasted time when I refuse to talk with them until they do.

quote:

Besides, your profile proclaims content of such detail and length that it must be e-mailed. Wouldn't you be better served if you create a postable Reader's Digest version of the tome that your wrote, rather than cobbling together a kinkster's version of Barrett's Book of CollarMe Message Board Quotations?


My full profile is available on other BDSM sites. I could not post it here, because I was unable to get the paste function to work. As you know, males don't often pay attention. Thus, I have engineered my profile to make a couple of important points repeatedly in the hopes that it will sink in a little by the time the guy is done reading it. If he lacks the attention span to get through it, then he is definitely not the slave for me.

I was a Communication major, and no one understands better than I do that less is more, and brevity is the soul of wit. In this case, however, I feel that the verbose approach may yield better results. It is an experiment, and if it doesn't work I will try something else.

Over the last several months, I have talked to one sub male after another that was clueless about the issues we have been discussing here. I don't use words gratuitously. I feel that notwithstanding its mammoth length, my profile contains vital information. I think it is necessary to educate sub males in this manner, for all our benefit.

quote:


Shouldn't prospective applicants have YOUR writing samples/style, not other women's?


They have both. Sometimes other people express my feelings better than I can.

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 260
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