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RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 3:18:36 PM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressPurpleFL

The concept of maintaining a vanilla relationship is already complex enough without adding bdsm. Would you sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for the possibility of "real" love or shouldn't the one who loves you accept the "dominant or submissive" side of you. The reason I have put this topic out is because I have recently had to deal or actually I am still dealing with this issue. I would love to hear the opinions of others on this matter. I have always felt that love should be unconditional to Extent (oxymoron isn't it of sorts?) but really I can not be with someone and truly be myself if they are not either accepting of the lifestyle or in the lifestyle. I have always been dominant and can not see myself supressing my true self even for love.

I don't see that it could be called "love" if it doesn't engage all of who you are.

If you had to suppress a part of yourself for the sake of the relationship, then "you" are not loving him, and he's not loving "you".

I went from vanilla to bdsm because bdsm offers me a deeper and richer milieu for the expression of love. I'd never go back.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to MistressPurpleFL)

Post #: 81

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 3:19:29 PM

EvilGenie

Posts: 1323
Joined: 9/10/2007
From: Morocco and Maine occasionally
Status: offline

Oh I just noticed. Someone has had sex with every vanilla man on the planet. As said before my marriage is not labeled D/s though functions pretty much as my past D/s relationships have, only finer for the deep love shared. Sex with my ''vanilla'' husband rocks!!

Be Well,

EG

We have been married 3 months, so congratulations (cash??) gratefully accepted!

(in reply to EvilGenie)

Post #: 82

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 4:07:04 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Decimus

I'm more surprised by people who are not like myself and PsyVamp. I'm sorry if I seem close minded and maybe I am but if you all like the "fun" and will leave for love instead of trying to look for the "fun" in addition to the other relationship then personally I think all of you should be more labeled as "kinky people" and not into the lifestyle as many of you claim.

Now I'll be the first to admit I'm very unique in what I look for and what I have found in Aerith, but I for one can't live without this lifestyle so it is only natural for me to search and find someone to fall in LOVE with someone IN the lifestyle. So if all of you just want to play thats great more power to you, but thats all it is, is play it isn't a ideal or a belief as many of you claim.

I am making an assumption you are refering to my post.
I am glad you realise you are unique. Everyone is.
I am not part of the perceived 'lifestyle'. Because I am not a sheep. There is another thread going on about the BDSM Lifestyle. I have already made my belief quite clear on that. Darcy and I have never 'claimed' to be part of it. We are unique and quite aware of that fact.

I don't think you are closed minded, but just because someone may give up 'BDSM' for Love, doesn't make them less submissive or dominant. I am more interested in the reason behind the leaving. So if someone turned around and said - I can't do BDSM for you anymore - then yes, I can understand that choice to leave. Why can I understand? Because I did leave. But people are saying 'no' regardless... and I just wondered if anyone contemplates that sometimes, leaving when you love, just isn't always that easy... and that life and shit happens - so whether people considered what they would do if something occured like illness or an accident.
Being incapacitated doesn't make the person any less of a dominant/submissive, if dominant/submissive is who you are. But the ability to dominate/submit may be taken from you - but the love is still there. Then what? Not everyone is poly or embraces such a concept.

And BDSM is about kink. It is also about D/s. Why dismiss people because they are 'only kinky' or like the 'fun'... that simply indicates that there is some kind of hieracy. I am blessed to be allowed to serve Darcy. But I love him for him, not what he can do. And I was blessed to meet him, someone who understands the power he has. But BDSM isn't the be all and end all - just like love isn't.
He is the be and end of all however. At least, he is to me. And I serve him regardless.

Peace
the.dark.
(edit.becauseIcan'tbloodyspellwhenItype.)

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 10/3/2007 4:14:27 PM >

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Decimus)

Post #: 83

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 4:16:08 PM

LostMyself

Posts: 72
Joined: 9/4/2007
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I think that if I were to try to get into a vanilla relationship, I'd end up with a control freak who didn't take responsibility for his control. that's what happened to me before, and now after having had a long-term 24/7 relationship, I can't see any way it could possibly go any other way. I'm submissive, how else could it go?

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 84

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 5:21:14 PM

lonlyrossInNeed

Posts: 3144
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

for me i would not find love if there where not lifestyle in the one i loved

_____________________________

To know what pain is hurts the most
pain is not just a wound in your flesh
pain is a dagger in your heart

(in reply to LostMyself)

Post #: 85

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 5:29:56 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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Finding someone that has kink that you can love is different than having someone with kink that you love become incapacitated and not be able to perform. In that case, yes I would stay, without a doubt.
l

(in reply to lonlyrossInNeed)

Post #: 86

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 5:48:18 PM

MistressPurpleFL

Posts: 112
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline

I thank everyone for their opinions some I agree with while others not so much but then again that is why we have discussions. I have never felt the way I feel with this man with anyone else that is why this is difficult.

I thought I had been in love before but clearly it was not love. Being dominant as I mention is not a hobby of mine IT is me. I am dominant in everyday life and it shows. Yes with this individual he truly does not know the WHOLE me since I did not share my alternative lifestyle with him. A part of me of should have closed the door on him and his attentions when he mentioned his love for GOD (I believe in a higher power but I question his theology foundation) and that living a christian life was his main focus.

I think I was trapped already LOL. Letting go of men in the past has never been a problem; it was like changing panties; yet this one is rough. He found a vulnerability in me that I did not know existed and yet he has no clue. Fortunately for me I have had a chance to clear my mind and realize that for love to be really true I must be honest with myself and with him.

I asked for a break but I know that this will be a permanent break shortly; I can only be happy being the dominant woman I am and unfortunately he would not be accepting of my kink and way of being so he is now only inlove with the IDEA of who he wants me to be or what he sees I can be. Sweet, innocent and pure...

_____________________________

"Life is too short to stay in the missionary position" By Mistress PurpleFL

"Nothing caresses like a suede whip in my hand; now let me touch you all over." Be me

"Smile at me with your eyes as you KNEEL to serve me with your HEART!" By me

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 87

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 11:20:43 PM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I have to say - I am kinda surprised by the defiant 'no' of most responders.
Love doesn't conquer all. It isn't the be all and end all. But what if your submissive or dominant - the one you serve or discipline - the one who you just may fall in love deeply with and who started maybe on this path with you - suddenly becomes ill or mentally incapacitated so they don't want or understand BDSM? Or something occurs that means you cannot have the BDSM relationship you dreamed of with? But this is the person you love?
Everyone is so ready to just dump and run just because BDSM won't be the focus?

Darcy is far more important than what he does - it's what he is that rocks. And I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Peace
the.dark.

If he became disabled, and couldn't play anymore, that wouldn't change the fact that I love him. I wouldn't leave
him at that point, I didn't fall in love him because of play, but because of the man he is.

I'm only saying that I've never been in love with a non-dominant man, and I can't see that ever happening.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 88

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/3/2007 11:24:05 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

If I found someone special who was a great, wonderful person, I'd sacrifice the bdsm lifestyle in a heart beat. Such women are rare, in my experience, and I lost the first one out of stupidity, didn't recognize the second one until too late, and I'm still looking to find the one who will be the one.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to whiteslavebitch)

Post #: 89

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 3:10:31 AM

earwigs

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

You do, but it's not as easy as all that. It's like a long distance relationship in some aspects in that the sexual compatibility isn't quite there. There has to be kind of a comittment to make that work, and will probably involve both sides having to make some sort of sacrifice, whatever that ends up being.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 90

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 5:42:02 AM

brattysarahjane

Posts: 36
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline

i didn't find the lifestyle until after i was married. i talked to my husband about it, and he was mortified. However, 6 years later, and he has given me my first spanks, and actually enjoyed it. i think that if the person truly loves you and you love them, then there are compromises always. Just keep the communication open.

brattysarahjane

(in reply to MistressPurpleFL)

Post #: 91

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 7:04:17 AM

favesclava

Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I have to say - I am kinda surprised by the defiant 'no' of most responders.
Love doesn't conquer all. It isn't the be all and end all. But what if your submissive or dominant - the one you serve or discipline - the one who you just may fall in love deeply with and who started maybe on this path with you - suddenly becomes ill or mentally incapacitated so they don't want or understand BDSM? Or something occurs that means you cannot have the BDSM relationship you dreamed of with? But this is the person you love?
Everyone is so ready to just dump and run just because BDSM won't be the focus?

Darcy is far more important than what he does - it's what he is that rocks. And I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Peace
the.dark.

relationships change and grow. lets see if i get this right. i wouldnt leave Master Fredpbear for anyone. even on the remote possibility that i might find someone to fall head over heels in love .
His collar on me is forever. if He were incapacitated then my service to Him would just be different. its not the whips and chains that hold me. its my need and to serve Him in any way he needs or desires. if he were in a coma i would be by His side to do whatever was needed to take care of Him.
its my belief if i was the one unable to perform due to disease or accident, i would still belong to Him.

_____________________________

weird is relative not an absolute term. Baron Frank N. Furter
Resident jingly dancing girl
The Pookie Of Darkness
Okay? Ready? Fine .Here's my hand. We are going now. I know the way. All you have to do is hold on tight ... and believe.SK

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 92

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 7:14:34 AM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

To the OP,

This question could just as easily have been asked in one of the following ways:

"Would you sacrifice who you are to be the person someone you care about wants to love?"
or
"Would you refrain from activities that a person who loves you doesn't approve of?"

If it's just something you do, then the latter question is apt, and the question would undoubtedly have to be yes for most of us, as love requires maintenance work, and that includes working on habits, refraining from some things, engaging in others, etc., in order for a loving relationship to actually last for any significant amount of time. If we are inclined to just give up because a relationship places demands on us, then it won't work, except possibly with that mythic, unobtainable figure called "Mr. Right" or "Mrs. Right".

If it's part of who you are, then the former question is apt, as the one you want to be with does not love you, but rather loves a fictional figure that you could pretend to be by excising part of yourself, or letting yourself die so your body can be inhabited by this fictional figure instead. I don't think that is a very healthy approach to falling in love, and I would not recommend making the sacrifice for someone who, after all, doesn't love you.

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to MistressPurpleFL)

Post #: 93

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 8:00:43 AM

Aneirin

Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline

I suppose also the question would someone give up the BDSM lifestyle for love would be dependant on where they are in their lives.

I gave up for love and tried so hard but where my partner was not interested, and despite how hard I tried, it was a piece of me that was missing.I thought I could do it,but in my mind it stayed.I loved my partner very deeply and gave up so much for her,but knew I was not being true to myself.

I can see where others will give up for love, and I believe that may be because of how they themselves are and where they are with themselves.Myself, there is so much learning to be done, but I accept I may change my current stance on this in the future

_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 94

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 8:05:00 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressPurpleFL
Would you sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for the possibility of "real" love or shouldn't the one who loves you accept the "dominant or submissive" side of you.

I dont have a Dominant side, I am Dominant. This is who I am, and if someone has fallen in love with me, they ahve fallen in love with the Dominant me.
I would consider compromising on certain actiities and giving them up if they did not work in my relationship with someone. If I view it as sacrificing myself for the relatinship, then I cant do it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MistressPurpleFL)

Post #: 95

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 8:14:03 AM

collareddreams

Posts: 25
Joined: 2/21/2006
Status: offline

Honestly I agree..I am a submissive, that side of me often cries out & if someone has fallen in love with me, that is the side that has been shown to them...I am not willing to change who I am & sacrifice the lifestyle that I love & live for & live in the "nilla" world with someone who can't give me what it is that i need to feel complete & truly happy!!!
~serenity

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 96

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 9:25:13 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Thanks! That is exactly how I see it. I am a submissive in a relationship. If someone falls in love with me they are falling in love with the submissive. Even if it is nilla, I am still the same person.
I wondered if a dominant out there had the same view of self, that being who they are is so ingrained it does not have to be stamped into a kink mold to fit.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I dont have a Dominant side, I am Dominant. This is who I am, and if someone has fallen in love with me, they ahve fallen in love with the Dominant me.
I would consider compromising on certain actiities and giving them up if they did not work in my relationship with someone. If I view it as sacrificing myself for the relatinship, then I cant do it.

DV

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 97

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 9:43:22 AM

EvilGenie

Posts: 1323
Joined: 9/10/2007
From: Morocco and Maine occasionally
Status: offline

kyst,

I have made at least 3 posts to this thread describing what you have just mentioned regarding who I am, A Dominant woman. you might want to read back a bit as it is the same for me. Dominance isn't a side of me it is me and I tried several times to explain that.

Be Well!

EG

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 98

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 9:45:35 AM

jesiul

Posts: 111
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline

Have you ever dated someone who qualities you enjoyed, they are out going, social, creative speakers. They love to have a good time. Only to find out later in the relationship that outgoing means never at home, social means there friends are always over when they are at home, creative speaker means the talk all the time.

The very things that attracted you to them are the very qualities that now drive you crazy. Love does not conquer all…and there has to be more than love in a relationship to sustain it or the love is killed.

I have loved a vanilla man after being in this life… for six years it struggled because I couldn’t totally be me. If you are willing to give up part of who you are then you to will struggle with losing part of your identity.

~jesi~

_____________________________

*When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.*

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 99

RE: Would YOU Sacrifice the BDSM lifestyle for LOVE? - 10/4/2007 10:19:51 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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You are correct. I read the thread again and see you see things in the same way. Being dominant or submissve for some of us, is ingrained in our personality. It is not the act of play for us, so much as who we are. Toys, implements, games, ect are the superficial trappings of bdsm. But the dominant or submissive personality is who we are.
And if someone falls in love with us, they fell in love with that. But, if someone falls in love with you and you are pretending to be someone you are not, OR if you are stiffling a part of yourself to impress them, then you are not being real.
And they did not fall in love with your true self. In cases like that, I can see it would be too great a sacrifice for love. Because you are not only giving up who you are, you are forcing yourself to be a puppet. And you will develop resentment for the act you have set up for yourself.
For those, yes, love is not worth the sacrifice. But.. is that love? Not in my view. If you have to pretend to be someone to suit another.. I can't see that as love.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to EvilGenie)

Post #: 100

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