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RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 6:57:13 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

It's YOUR choice to release her because of what she's going through. Take ownership of your choice and decision rather than putting the responsibility for YOUR choice on her. She's not responsible for your choice, YOU are. I hope she realizes and appreciates the favor you're doing her with your actions and she goes on to find her happiness with someone who values her.

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Deviant Mind
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(in reply to pseudopsychotic)

Post #: 21

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:00:04 PM

pseudopsychotic

Posts: 145
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I'm just surprised to see so many who preach tolerance for all forms of this "lifestyle" be so judgmental.

Maybe I was raised different, maybe I'm old school.
But when you care for someone, then you help them out.
You dont run away or set them aside.
&& I've never preached tolerance.

_____________________________

Got a problem with me Solve it.
Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoe
Can't face me? Turn around

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 22

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:06:06 PM

RedheadGirlNY

Posts: 59
Joined: 10/23/2005
Status: offline

Ok, I'm going to make some assumptions here. First, you've collared a married woman who thought perhaps her marriage might be ending or was she was simply testing the waters (single, sub, whatever). You collared her, talked it out and now she's decided to end her marriage (or her husband has decided to end it).

What bothers you the most? That she will actually be honestly "available" at some point? That she's going through a rough time? That she might want "more" from you than you want to give? The contingency "I might end my marriage" wasn't discussed?

Count me in the "fair weather friend" contingent. In her shoes, I'd be walking.

Red

_____________________________

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 23

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:09:22 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pseudopsychotic

Maybe I was raised different, maybe I'm old school.
But when you care for someone, then you help them out.
You dont run away or set them aside.
&& I've never preached tolerance.

Thing is, I don't think the OP said he didn't care. He did say that he can't imagine not being available for her.

I'm not disagreeing with you... I was raised the same way... I'm just not going to assume that the relationship enjoyed by this dom and sub is like my own. We honestly don't know what their relationship is like... it could be simply a casual twice a month play date.

(in reply to pseudopsychotic)

Post #: 24

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:10:48 PM

Kaiynasha

Posts: 172
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

This is the reason why I don't get involved with married people. The situation has changed because it has gotten uncomfortable for you. Now she is dealing with her own stuff and you want to be there for her but have service provided by her for your being there? My answer to you is to let her handle her business and you handle yours. I am not here to judge your decision thus far- you made the choices and now the choice you made doesn't fit the equation of the situation. Well I say that is what happens when you are with a married woman. So deal with it. And also be ready to deal with the her drama, his drama, and your drama with them

Sounds like a wonderful soap opera to me. But that is my opinion.

< Message edited by Kaiynasha -- 10/24/2007 7:13:23 PM >

(in reply to dc0785)

Post #: 25

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:21:06 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I am rather torn on my thoughts upon this..at first I thought as many of you do, and even thought."lord help keep me from such a Dominant"..But I do have to admit that Treasure made some valid points..along with the simple fact that there still is not enough info to give an accurate viewpoint..But basically it comes down to personally I would not want such a man as this for a Dominant.But then again marriage on either side of the slash would be a no go for me as well...as someone said, most times (note I said most, not all) when there is a marriage in the equation, usually means that drama will soon follow...Tempting

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I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Kaiynasha)

Post #: 26

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:22:38 PM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Thing is, I don't think the OP said he didn't care. He did say that he can't imagine not being available for her.

I'm not disagreeing with you... I was raised the same way... I'm just not going to assume that the relationship enjoyed by this dom and sub is like my own. We honestly don't know what their relationship is like... it could be simply a casual twice a month play date.

i have to say that i like to think i practice tolerance but i also have to count myself among the ppl who get the feeling of "fair weather friend." i have had a relationship with a Dom that was committed in a vanilla relationship. The rules were it was no strings - but i know for a fact that He would have been there for me had i experienced a devastating thing like divorce. The OP doesn't have to end things altogether - someone suggested putting all activities on hold and just being a friend and i have to agree. "Releasing" her would teach her nothing more than He couldn't be counted on.
That being said, it is true that there are a lot of assumptions being made. Maybe the OP could drop by and clarify some of the questions.

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normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 27

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:37:55 PM

pseudopsychotic

Posts: 145
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Thing is, I don't think the OP said he didn't care. He did say that he can't imagine not being available for her.

I'm not disagreeing with you... I was raised the same way... I'm just not going to assume that the relationship enjoyed by this dom and sub is like my own. We honestly don't know what their relationship is like... it could be simply a casual twice a month play date.

He did say he'd be available for her, but I'm guessing its as a friend?
And saying you can still be friends is like your dog dying and your mom saying you can still keep it.

You are right, there's not enough info, but one can connect the dots rather well.

_____________________________

Got a problem with me Solve it.
Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoe
Can't face me? Turn around

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 28

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:43:20 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dc0785

Hum??? As A DOM, I make the decision. However, as an actual caring Dom, I know she needs her time to get things straight. I need her service but I know she needs to resolve other issues before we can resume. I can't imagine not being available for her. Yet, I require service (not just physical but emotional service).

Just tell her she's on leave. Try being a bit less selfish for a while. I'd do it for a friend-it's not all about me.

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(in reply to dc0785)

Post #: 29

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:45:05 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Hi Treasure,

Your post conjures some thought...

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
In light of the many threads with regard to avoiding subs with "baggage", I'm surprised that no one has considered that the sub in question here might simply be too emotionally clingy and needy for the relationship that was agreed upon. It's entirely possible that with her marriage ending, the sub might simply require more attention than was originally negotiated. It seems as if quite a few doms in these forums have expressed a desire to have drama-free relationships... I would imagine that a sub going through a separation and divorce might possibly be experiencing enough drama to negatively affect the agreed-upon relationship.

I was married when I met my Master, and left my marriage soon after (I had emotionally left it years prior). Prior to leaving my marriage, endless conversation occurred between my Master and I, about what that would mean for us. Trust me when I say I was Queen O Baggage and he knew it. But while my Master prefers to be drama-free, he also enjoyed the submission and devotion and service he received from me. Some are willing to invest a bit more effort, others are not. I count my blessings that my Master was willing to invest what he did, and I suppose that influences my thinking when I see situations like this one.

quote:

There has also been evidence that some doms here have had enough of the institution known as marriage, or are currently married, and because of that make it clear from the beginning that they have no intention of ever making their submissive into their wife... or even cohabitating. It is possible that the submissive has made overt comments or given indications to the OP that with ending her marriage she would then be available to fulfill other more "traditional" roles for him... he might simply be wanting to head off at the pass any such ideas.

Also a good point. Before I left my marriage, a lot of our conversations centered around this very topic - that his attentions to me would be on his terms and that I was not leaving the marriage with the hopes of him changing his life and bringing me under his roof. It all goes back to communicating as much as possible in advance. I am grateful he did this, because it warded off a lot of issues that could have come up otherwise.

quote:

Again, I'm not defending the OP, but I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that his idea of a D/s relationship matches my idea of one... and then condemn him for not living up to my standards. There are people who enjoy casual and emotionally unattached dynamics... we're constantly being reminded of it right here in these forums. I'm just surprised to see so many who preach tolerance for all forms of this "lifestyle" be so judgmental.

You make a very good point about holding someone up to our own standards, and I am appreciative of you pointing that out. I think it just surprised me that someone would consider turning away from someone during a terrible time - D/s related or not. None of us knows what their dynamic is, but then he did not clarify that, either, so we can only opine based on our own knowledge base. Your post balances some things out, which is healthy.

Still, I can't help but appreciate my Master's presence in my life whenever I see situations like this.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 30

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:46:15 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Thank you, Tempting... and I agree with you whole-heartedly. I would not want a man such as this for my dominant, either. I'll also admit that my initial reaction to the op was similar, as well.

However, I know too well that we often make rash judgments because we fill in missing information with our own experience. We don't know the OP and we don't know his situation. Unfortunately in addition to lacking information, his maiden post here was also worded badly and placed him in the worst possible light.

Just today a post was made by a respected and well-liked dominant here... it described a situation where he sent home a submissive "to straighten out her life". I hope he'll forgive me for using him as an example, but his post can be read here. In that same post, he describes refusing to take responsibility for actions that had to be his submissive's choice. He did not make any efforts to tell of his care for his submissive... did not clarify that he provided continued emotional support.

If this had been his first posting on the forums, I might well have had the same initial thoughts of him as I did with the OP. As it is, I know enough of him to understand without it having to be said that he is not an uncaring or irresponsible dominant.

Sometimes things just aren't as they seem at first glance.

Of course, sometimes they are.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 31

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:51:45 PM

kittensmailbox

Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline

Did this "dom" really have the balls to post this thread? The question is why on earth would she want to stay with a person like you? i say do her a the favor and release her... you are the one not stable...

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~kitten

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 32

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 7:53:19 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Good example, Treasure. In my case, the decision to leave my current living situation was left entirely up to me, but a lot of analysis was instructed for me to sort through and write about first. He never once advised or directed me regarding my marriage. He felt adamant that such decisions were mine to sort out. He guided the process by instructing me to fairly analyze certain aspects of leaving versus staying.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 33

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 8:06:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
It's entirely possible that with her marriage ending, the sub might simply require more attention than was originally negotiated. It seems as if quite a few doms in these forums have expressed a desire to have drama-free relationships... I would imagine that a sub going through a separation and divorce might possibly be experiencing enough drama to negatively affect the agreed-upon relationship.

It's possible- which is why I asked the question I did. However, I would find it a failing on both their parts to have not discussed the "what is likely to happen if my marriage ends" issue.

quote:

I'm just surprised to see so many who preach tolerance for all forms of this "lifestyle" be so judgmental.

What makes you think these two concepts are exclusive? I can be fully tolerant of someone doing something I judge to be completely stupid and ridiculous.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 34

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 8:16:16 PM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

Ohh I can see Master finding out Im going blind and he expected me to drive the T-bird and if I couldnt dirve it he'd drop me..that makes about as much sense as the Op posting this thread..its totally NUTS! Things arent always perfect and rosey. There are going to be times when she cant for one reason or another be there for you in some fashion..suck it up grow up and get on with taking repsonsibilty for your half of the relationship!

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Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 35

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 8:16:23 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

What makes you think these two concepts are exclusive? I can be fully tolerant of someone doing something I judge to be completely stupid and ridiculous.

Fucking awesome. Just because I disagree doesn't mean that I get to judge. Hell half of the amusement in my life is derived from watching people do outrageously stupid shit and then watching what happens.

What can I say, I hate TV.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 36

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 8:20:25 PM

slaveelle

Posts: 116
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline

Just sits and wonders about the poor temp that tries to fill her shoes, if and when his sub decides to return..shakes head. Wonders if she'll be thrown away like trash too.

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"No bond is stronger than that of the Beast"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 37

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 8:46:11 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Thank you, ownedgirlie and I can certainly understand your thinking being influenced by your own experiences. It's very hard to imagine anyone being mine and FirmhandKY's age without having some "baggage" from previous relationships to deal with. I'd been married for 22 years and divorced only two years when he and I met... and FirmhandKY is still dealing with his own divorce situation. It can cause a lot of problems unless you take the time and effort to thoroughly discuss things and keep a very open and honest dialog going.

I can understand people thinking that if the OP and his submissive's relationship was only a few months old then they surely should have discussed her impending marriage breakup. Then again, if anyone had asked me just a week before my ex and I separated if we would be getting a divorce, I would have told them, "no". I had spent half my lifetime in that situation and even though I was unhappy, I never really considered it. There was no "straw that broke the camel's back"... no final event that pushed me over the edge. I simply and quietly came to the realization over a 24 hour period that I didn't have to live the rest of my life like that. It was a shock to myself, not to mention everyone else involved.

Again, we simply don't have enough information about the OP's situation to know.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Still, I can't help but appreciate my Master's presence in my life whenever I see situations like this.

I feel the same.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's possible- which is why I asked the question I did. However, I would find it a failing on both their parts to have not discussed the "what is likely to happen if my marriage ends" issue.

I apologize then, LA, I misunderstood. To me, your question read as being a challenge with only two options... either a quiet affair or an open 24/7 relationship. I didn't see room for the possibility that perhaps they had mutually agreed upon an open, part-time, and emotionally detached arrangement.

And while I agree that if the failing marriage was an issue at the time they got together it's something they should have discussed, I'm also open to understanding that it could possibly have been an unforeseen development based on my own experience.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

What makes you think these two concepts are exclusive? I can be fully tolerant of someone doing something I judge to be completely stupid and ridiculous.

lol... I know they're not exclusive. Just usually displayed better.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 38

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 9:06:18 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
lol... I know they're not exclusive. Just usually displayed better.

The trouble with asking for opinions or putting things up on a message board for feedback like this is that sometimes there isn't a nice way of saying what people think on the matter.

From what he has provided, my opinion makes sense to me. When he comes with more details, I'll be happy to rethink it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 39

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/24/2007 9:18:00 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

first off divorce throws many into a loop you have to do a cleansing or getting rid of emotional garbage. second what the hell are you doing with a married sub. and this relationship did not look like it was open from the other side.
and third. If you really want someone you stand by them thick or then there is a us time a we time and a them time just that simple balance harmony are not rocket science just be something more geeze

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 40

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