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RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:02:01 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I would say release her, it would be the kindest thing you could do. Since you obviously think that subs are easy to come by she would be better off finding a Dom who actually cares about her as a person rather than viewing her as just something to use when the mood suits. Yes  I have the view that subs/slaves are actually HUMAN and deserve to be treated as such. I know many oppose my view but frankly I don't give a shit.

Good luck finding a new sub and you may want to put into her contract a paragraph that states that if she gets sick, falls on hard times, needs a strong shoulder to help her through these times or if she needs protection that she is on her OWN.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to dc0785)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:02:33 AM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dc0785

I am simply trying to make the best decision for my pet.  ...This is really is not all about me.  I am trying to do the best for her as well.  I don't want to release her.  ....She is needing much support and has already stated that when the divorce comes finally that she may start dating.  It is one thing to have a sub who is married....it is a totally different thing to have a sub that is now on the market.  That is the quandry.  Maybe I am selfish and I don't want to share.  Sharing with her husband so to speak was a given at the start.  NOW THE PLAYING FIELD HAS CHANGED.  Keep the thoughts coming.  This is obviously a hot topic.
DC


I'd from the lines I've left of your response, it is VERY much about you and what you wish/want from her and the relationship.
 
If you really do not want to release her...then don't.
 
Give her time to end her marriage, and ask her to not date.
If she asks why, you can handle a few ways:
1. tell her what you told us
2.say you believe it's in her best interest to wait on dating, to allow time to heal
3. say both
4. say suggestion 2 and that you believe the  2 of you have things to talk about BEFORE she
    begins dating and making decisions for the part of her life you are not a part of
 
If I read what you are saying correctly, you want a relationship with this woman beyond what you have shared to this point. 
 
The old saying, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was..." isn't always the best advice to follow; especially if the person doesn't know WHY they are being set free. 
 
Many will believe they and their problems are not something you want to deal with and you prefer they go.  If she is hurt by her marriage ending, she is already in a bad emotional place, you releasing without explaintion or even with may be seen in a way you are not prepared to deal with at this time.
 
Talking openly and honestly is more important now.
 
Much luck.
Saya
 

(in reply to dc0785)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:18:25 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Hmmm. She may start dating again, eh? Well. That does sort of change things, at least as far as your Ick Factor is concerned. Sit down and figure out what the heck is going on between you - what you want, what she wants, what is the ideal situation, so that you can both come to a choice that works, times two.

But. Mm. Thinking. Could her announcement that she wants to start dating be a passive signal that she wants you to step forward? Yeah yeah, sit down and talk this out. This could be a real nasty booger.

(in reply to SayaNereida)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:19:31 AM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		Yoru second post makes me wary, and puts me into the "You're a bad Dom, no Dom treat for you" catorgory. It sounds like you want to pick up a sub for emotional "services" that she cannot provide and then dump the other sub once you get the first one back. I don't think that's how poly supposed to work, really.

Exactly how long are you thinking of going without service, anyway? A few months? A year? And if you think you need a sub for the meantime...Will you actually wait around for this lady, and treat the subs that approach you as humans, not replacements?

(in reply to SayaNereida)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:27:27 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		To the op. You are not listening. She is going to date. Translates to she is dumping you. Duh!

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:35:03 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dc0785

I am amazed at the response that this has received.  And I have read each and every post.  I feel I should fill in the missing information and add in the recent occurance.  I am simply trying to make the best decision for my pet.  I know as a Dom I make the decision but only after total communication.  I neglected to mention that.  It really is not all about me.  I am trying to do the best for her as well.  I don't want to release her.  I am really wondering if releasing her would allow her to concentrate on her issues rather than serving me.  Does that make sense?  She is needing much support and has already stated that when the divorce comes finally that she may start dating.  It is one thing to have a sub who is married....it is a totally different thing to have a sub that is now on the market.  That is the quandry.  Maybe I am selfish and I don't want to share.  Sharing with her husband so to speak was a given at the start.  NOW THE PLAYING FIELD HAS CHANGED.  Keep the thoughts coming.  This is obviously a hot topic.
DC




The question to me is why she wants to start dating.  If it is important to you that she does not date, then forbid her from it.  If it is important to her that she does date, then you are right - things have changed and there is a compatability issue here.  In my situation, seeing other men was forbidden from the start - married or not, there would be no other men in my life.  Nor did I want any.  When I got out of my marriage, dating was not an option.  It was discussed, however - did I want to, why or why not, and so on.  That way he understood where I was coming from, and what some of my emotional needs were at the time.

You and she should talk more.  Divorce is an intensely painful process for most who go through it, bringing about a lot of confusing, painful, frightening, and angry emotions.  She may not know what she wants right now.  A desire to date may just be her way of trying to find answers in her confusion, and squelch her fears of being a failure and undesireable due to this major relationship in her life ending.  Maybe she's just missing a man's arms around her at night, or the companionship of a spouse, even if it wasn't very good (that was hard for me at first).  What is it about her relationship with you that is not enough for her, that she wants to see others?  Are you married or is your relationship with her long distance?   So many factors at play here, and so many questions still unanswered. 

Find out the why's and you will have a better idea of what to do.

(in reply to dc0785)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:39:40 AM   
sweetNsmartBBW


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline 		My questions to the OP would be: is there a reason You would feel uncomfortable asking her not to date?  Is it that You know that, without her marriage, she'll require more of You than You can actually give her?  That You know her needs will outweigh what You have to offer?   Is that what is prompting her to start dating in the first place?  Or is there some other reason?

< Message edited by sweetNsmartBBW -- 10/25/2007 9:41:30 AM >

_____________________________

There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked. Yaldah Tova

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 9:44:43 AM   
jennylynnoh


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/20/2007
Status: offline 		I'm hesitant to post, but thought I should maybe give it a shot....

This situation is virtually identical to one I've just been through; from the viewpoint of the sub, it's hell.  Pure and utter hell.  When you hand so much of yourself over to another person, there's a huge leap of faith there.  I don't doubt for an instant that the Master in this case thinks, as mine did/does, that it's all for her own good in the long run, etc....and I can't say 100% that that's not the case, but from where I'm sitting, it will make her feel very abandoned.  Even more so if she then replaced, even temporarily, by another sub.  Right or wrong, she may likely interpret this as being "thrown away" for being too difficult, she may feel like the gift of her submission was worthless to you, and that the special places she showed you within herself weren't special at all.  If she has any trust issues from the past, this could compound that, and she might build walls around herself to protect from any future hurt.

That being said....if the decision is made to release her, please describe in detail what it is that lead you to that decision.  Reassure her that she's still a treasure worthy of being cherished.  Don't let her leave thinking that she wasn't "good enough".  Keep in contact with her as much as possible as a caring friend (unless it serves as a reminder of the hurt), instead of releasing her and washing your hands of her.  If you find another sub, see if you can wait awhile, and remain discrete to respect your ex-pet...otherwise that'll just reinforce her pain.

Maybe at the end of the day, this really will be the best for everyone; no one can see the future so who's to say?  A little hurt *now* that saves a LOT of hurt later might be the most compassionate thing you could do for her.  But a delicate release is required, or it could start out as the "LOT of hurt" stage and just fester.  Then she'll have baggage, and that's a whole other thread, lol.

Jen

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 10:00:56 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think he already stated that he has needs that must be met.  In my view that means while he may like her, and enjoy his time with her, HIS needs are what are important here (he states he is the DOM), at least in his view.  He is unwilling to forgo the need for a sub partner, and says perhaps he can take on a temp.  Hmm.. LUCKY GIRL!!  How special she will feel knowing that she is only there to make sure his needs are met, and when it is time to move on, she will do it with ease.  *eyeroll*
Personally, any man who didn't want to put aside his needs while life happened, wouldn't be one I would stick with.  I hope she is reading this forum. 
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: apiercedkitty

Ok... i'm still not feeling all warm and fuzzy about this whole situation. Especially since i perved Your profile and found this...
 and hope to meet someone special. 
Sounds very much to me like You have every intention of releasing her...IMHO, i think it would be best for her to be released if You're already in search of someone to fill her shoes anyway. None of us subs wants to think we're that easily replaced.
i still stand by my original thoughts - if You care about her, You will put all activities on hold (read as... put YOUR needs on hold) and be there for her - to hold her, to support her, and to give her someone she knows she can count on. As someone who went thru a devastating divorce, i can attest to the importance of those things. When all is said and done, she still has the choice to continue the relationship or to move on - and then You will know You have done Your best for her.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to apiercedkitty)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 10:19:40 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

quote:

Hum???  As A DOM, I make the decision.  However, as an actual caring Dom,

As a caring Dom, you have the right to make the decision to let your sub decide whether she wants/needs to be released.


As a sensible submissive, she has the right to make the decision that the relationship does not work for her.  And she can <gasp> release herself. 


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to sammiebabygirl)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 11:13:45 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Guest123

personally, i think she would be better off without You, ....



This came right after my post.  Whether directed at the OP or at me, you may well be right...she may indeed be better off without him and my former submissive may well be better off without me.  I know for a fact that I am better off without someone who wanted decisons made and forced on her so that she could abdicate responsibility for her own life...

(in reply to Guest123)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 11:26:46 AM   
jezzabelle


Posts: 391
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Southeastern, MA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dc0785

She is needing much support and has already stated that when the divorce comes finally that she may start dating.  It is one thing to have a sub who is married....it is a totally different thing to have a sub that is now on the market.  That is the quandry.  Maybe I am selfish and I don't want to share.  Sharing with her husband so to speak was a given at the start.  NOW THE PLAYING FIELD HAS CHANGED.  Keep the thoughts coming.  This is obviously a hot topic.
DC




What is her reason for wanting to date others after the divorce is final?  Is it because you're not there for her other than on a part time basis?  Are you married or otherwise unavailable and that's why you say the playing field has changed with her pending divorce?  I'm only asking because it doesn't make any sense as to why she'd want to date others if she was suddenly single but had you for her Dom.  Why wouldn't you become her primary relationship, unless you can't offer her that for some reason?

(in reply to dc0785)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 1:36:19 PM   
dc0785


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/24/2007
Status: offline 		You are one of the few that actually read the words that I MEANT to type.  Thanks for your response and I really do appreciate you benefit of the doubt.


(in reply to SayaNereida)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 4:11:25 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		You're sure not much for answering questions. I'll ask the same question again that everyone else has been asking. Why won't you date her yourself?

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Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to dc0785)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 5:23:33 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

To the op. You are not listening. She is going to date. Translates to she is dumping you. Duh!



Yeah that's the real issue.  She's looking to fill her life again and it isn't with you, gee I can't imagine why......so you think you're getting rid of her...looks like she's already made that decision for you.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 6:50:32 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		What I think she probably wants is to try to figure out what she wants, where she is coming from because going through a divorce is hard in addition to perhaps having that added responsibility of being a parent.  I have to agree with the others, if you truly want to be an excellent dom for her, you would want to be there to offer her support excluding the service that she gives you. 

As far as seeking a temprorary slave?  Some subs have been without owners for years.  How would you feel if the tables were turned and a sub agreed to submit to you for...hmmmm...say six months?  Then after the six months, the ex-dom comes back into her life and then POOF, she is gone because it was agreed that you were her temproray dom.  Things happen, situations change and  because I was divorced, I had support from those who were there for me....

Just my take on things. 


(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 6:54:29 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Oh, I see-spoiled grapes.

She's getting rid of her husband, AND him. So it's time to have a hissy whine whine whine-sounds perfectly reasonable.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to corsetgirl)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 6:57:33 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Oh, I see-spoiled grapes.

She's getting rid of her husband, AND him. So it's time to have a hissy whine whine whine-sounds perfectly reasonable.


Yeah, well, I don't acquire temporary doms and then go back to ex doms, either, which the OP was planning on doing to get a temp sub.   

P.S.  Not a whine on my part, I don't settle for any dom. 

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 10/25/2007 7:00:12 PM >

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 7:00:59 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: corsetgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Oh, I see-spoiled grapes.

She's getting rid of her husband, AND him. So it's time to have a hissy whine whine whine-sounds perfectly reasonable.


Yeah, well, I don't acquire temporary doms and then go back to ex doms, either, which the OP was planning on doing to get a temp sub.   


Wow, curiouser and curiouser-no wonder he sonded like he was taking about an appliance.

Is a sub supposed to be like a hoover-sucks when you turn it on?

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to corsetgirl)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) - 10/25/2007 7:05:51 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		You wish!

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 10/25/2007 7:06:45 PM >

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 80
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