RE: Its all changed

RE: Its all changed (Full Version)

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toservez -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 9:16:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty quote: ORIGINAL: toservez Sorry this is classic dominant is always gets the benefit of the doubt so submissive must be wrong until proven not crap. The OP has clearly lined out things that have CHANGED in the relationship and not about what she is expecting something different or unrealistic. actually thats the "the rational person gets the benifit of the doubt and the over emotional, he's sleeping with the ex and if it doesn't work out with her he'll come sliming back to me, irrational assumtion might be wrong" response.... for all the OP knows, it could have aboslutely nothing to do with the ex...i read the same things from the OP as everyone else...and the only thing that i know for sure is...she doesn't know what's going on with her Master....so, how is assuming that the relationship has gone to shit and going from there going to help anything? to the OP...i agree with SFM and Rover.... edited to add: sometimes there are higher priorities to deal with than our already established relationships....in fact, isn't that one of the benifits of having an established relationship....that they can be sustained without that constant, overwhelming need for attention? Because it is crap because I can only offer up .02 opinions on the information given. Personally for me I refuse whether if it is a dominant writing or a submissive to interject facts about another person to make a point I want as true such as yourself assuming this dominant has valid reasons and is rational while the OP is naturally emotional and therefore must be irrational. NO ONE here thinks cutting off communication is a good thing and to somehow turn this on the OP just is flat out wanting to ignore what she wrote then why post on the thread if it is little more then agenda pushing which to me is all that Rover and Sixfootmaster were doing. That all problems are both created and solved by the way a submissive behaves and doing something. This is crap as relationships are 50/50 effort and to me the OP clearly shows this relationship is not that. If the OP was writing things like I want to talk every day but he does not. Or I want it to be like this but it is not my writing would be vastly different. But the OP clearly communicates that the relationship has changed and he is communicating less and less. For the life of me whether the OP is emotional or overly emotional has nothing to do with the facts she presents. Rover, Sixfootmaster and yourself are all coming from wanting the answer to be her fault and ignoring the facts of what was presented. You use assumptions that are just not fair to the OP and you would not want put on yourself if writing something.

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 3:31:13 PM)
toserv, First, girl, don't ever tell me why I think something or suggest a cause of action - it might surprise (it being my suggest and all), but I already know. What does the OP know? Nothing beyond several salient points - a) the Dom she has served in a long term relationship is not engaging with her, and b) his Ex is back in town. There is no indiciation that he has had any contact whatsoever with the ex, so anything about that is pure theory. As for not engaging, and becoming angry at her questions - I've done that before and it was entirely due to work stress. Again, she doesn't know what the issue is, and nor do we. This isn't one plus one equals two, it's not even one plus one equals three, this is one plus x equals y. Too many unknowns to start making rash and unwarranted decisions. I think it's fascinating how many submissives will just walk when the relationship hits a rocky patch, rather than try and work out and repair what is wrong. This isn't about blame or anyones fault... geeze get off your over sensitive submissive high-horse. This is about reality, and attempting to save what has to now been by all counts an excellent relationship.

Rover -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 3:48:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: toservez Rover, Sixfootmaster and yourself are all coming from wanting the answer to be her fault and ignoring the facts of what was presented. You use assumptions that are just not fair to the OP and you would not want put on yourself if writing something. Perhaps I missed something, but I don't recall blaming anyone in this thread. I do recall seconding some very sound advice (my subjective opinion) not to jump to any conclusions and to begin by asking some questions in order to ascertain what the problem may be, rather than rely upon assumption. Seemed reasonable to me at the time, and again upon further reflection. Infering that I am blaming anyone for anything is a mischaracterization of the facts. John

subtee -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 4:50:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam My mother's advice: Ask yourself these questions: 1) Would you miss them if they were gone? 2) Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer to either one is no, then you seriously need to reevaluate the relationship. Master Fire I really like your Mom...

catize -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 5:07:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SixFootMaster Takenpet, Have you talked to him about these changes? Don't jump to any conclusions, it could be anything at all causing it - but be open about your concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Invite him to talk to you about any stresses he is under, and what you can do to make his day easier. Only you really know the timbre and tone of your relationship, so only you are qualified to decide what to do about it. It could simply be depression or work stress. Just be open, honest, and gentle, and let him provide the answers you need (not us). SixFoot And what part of quote: and he told me I was questioning him, and put me on indefinite punishment of silence allows her to communicate in any way, shape or form?

angelic -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 5:14:57 PM)
Exactly... it seems clear as day that this man is not worthy of her calling him 'master'. Goodness knows her road ahead will not be easy, but she is in a lose lose situation.

Squeakers -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 5:46:35 PM)
I personally need more clarification to make a reasonable assumption so for that reason, I'm changing my font color to make it more readable quote: ORIGINAL: TakenPet Master has over the last while changed a lot. How long is a last while? A week, a couple weeks, 6 months and how long have you been together? He doesn't want to play with me anymore, at least not since his ex has moved back into town? What kind of play? Real time, cyber play, phone play? And how long has his ex been in town? Do you live in the same town? How do you know she is in his town? We used to talk on a daily basis, now I am lucky to speak with him twice a week, and he never wants to play, just enjoy talking. Okay so, you must talk every day to be happy? And just talking is not okay? Should I be as worried as I think? Has he given you anything to worry about? Has he said, I can not call tonight because I am seeing my ex, or with all this extra time on your hands are you sitting around making yourself worry? I have tried to discuss this with him, and he told me I was questioning him, and put me on indefinite punishment of silence? How did you try to discuss it? Calmly, rationally, a Master something is bothering me I need to speak freely type of thing? Or was it like I know your ex is in town and you are neglecting me so I know you are seeing her and fucking her? Any suggestions? My suggestion is answer the questions that I asked, honestly. I am pretty sure you will be able to make your own suggestions, if not post the answers and we can all give you a rational unassumed answer. For me there are just way too many possiblities and need more information before I can offer an honest suggestion Edited to add---there have been two different observations here---the Master is wrong and the submissive is wrong. There are no actual facts here there are way too many variables and it can go either way. Based on what is given---I have my own ideas of whom is wrong, but I prefer to wait for answers to the questions if they are given.

chellekitty -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 5:48:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lux221 quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty quote: ORIGINAL: lux221 By what criteria did you determine her Dom is a rational person, chellekitty? By what criteria did you determine that her Dom is not a rational person, lux221? I've made no assertions about him at all. neither did i, i said give him a chance to explain himself... edited to add: she says he put her on indefinate punishment of silence....that could be, "I can't talk to you right now, I am handling a crisis, I will call you when it is over"...that is not defined....that is no communication....that is also a higher priority than calming the irrational fears that just shouldn't be there in an established relationship...but should and are don't always match up...and if she approached him in a manner that was confrenational and innapropriate, it might be punishment... perhaps we could get a clearer picture if the OP would answer Squeakers questions....

Squeakers -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 6:01:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetstorm quote: ORIGINAL: TakenPet I have tried to discuss this with him, and he told me I was questioning him, and put me on indefinite punishment of silence? I would call that a serious red flag and tell him that if I'm not allowed to discuss concerns or ask questions, I walk. That's just the way I am. I need to be able to talk about everything! I'm a talker and I'll ask and ask and ask. I think it all depends on how the discussion is going. If the discussion is coming from a submissive who is totally irrational, confrontational, and being downright disrepectful and I am not saying that the OP was doing this but if she were, should the Dominant have to sit by and listen to that sort of bullshit? I think it all depends on how the discussion is going? If the submissive is being irrational, confrontrational, and downright disrespectful she is the one waving that red flag and the Dominant in that case SHOULD put an end to the discussion until the submissive is able to control herself or he should walk.

Squeakers -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 6:08:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty she says he put her on indefinate punishment of silence....that could be, "I can't talk to you right now, I am handling a crisis, I will call you when it is over"...that is not defined....that is no communication....that is also a higher priority than calming the irrational fears that just shouldn't be there in an established relationship...but should and are don't always match up...and if she approached him in a manner that was confrenational and innapropriate, it might be punishment That is exactly what I was thinking---I know there have been times I have been told, you are way to emotional for us to discuss this right now and I get shut down. Yeah, I was pissed because I wanted to resolve it right then, but really shutting my emotional irrational ass down was the best thing that could have happened. It kinda irks me when I hear, he reacted in a way that I do not like, so it's a god damn red flag, and I have every right to walk the hell away because I do not like the way he attempts to control the relationship. Where the hell is the submission in that?

TreasureKY -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 8:24:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TakenPet I have tried to discuss this with him, and he told me I was questioning him, and put me on indefinite punishment of silence? I certainly don't have enough information to give you advice about whether or not you should walk away from your relationship with your dom, but I do have a question regarding the above comment. You state that he has decided to punish you with no contact for an indefinite period of time. Do you have some kind of safeword to use during punishment if it exceeds your ability to handle?

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 8:41:40 PM)
I think it's fascinating how many submissives will just walk when the relationship hits a rocky patch, rather than try and work out and repair what is wrong In reply to this comment..I too find it fascinating that when some Dominants are uncomfortable with worries or questions being expressed by their sub/slave that he shuts down all communication with punishment of silence....When communication is shut down , the relationship is shut down.....How hard or how long does it take to say.."I am stressed out by xyz,we will talk in a couple of days"..what? 5 seconds?...but to pull that Dominant card of his of not liking to be questioned?...I say...phooey!!!....such a reaction raises more questions and doubts and thoughts of deceptive suspicions.....You Six Foot, may be putting your own sense of morality or honor upon one who may not be so......Tempting

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 9:04:38 PM)
Are you unable to communicate without your voice?

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 9:08:31 PM)
True, but then again, I don't know him, and neither do you. I don't know what has been said, why he reacted as he did, and what it will take to resolve the situation - and again, neither do you. In fact, the only one who actually knows why he reacted as he did is... HIM. Thus, it really isn't my place, or your place to make that judgement call. Yes, I do find it fascinating when submissives react with "Well, YOUR needs aren't being met any longer, so walk" - relationship has two parties, sometimes one side has to be more patient and understanding while the other side sorts out whats going on.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Its all changed (10/31/2007 10:42:12 PM)
quote: I really like your Mom... I like my mom, too! What's more...she knows all about me...as does the rest of the family on that side. They all just kinda accept it as it is. Master Fire

lux221 -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 12:17:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty quote: ORIGINAL: lux221 quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty quote: ORIGINAL: lux221 By what criteria did you determine her Dom is a rational person, chellekitty? By what criteria did you determine that her Dom is not a rational person, lux221? I've made no assertions about him at all. neither did i, i said give him a chance to explain himself... edited to add: she says he put her on indefinate punishment of silence....that could be, "I can't talk to you right now, I am handling a crisis, I will call you when it is over"...that is not defined....that is no communication....that is also a higher priority than calming the irrational fears that just shouldn't be there in an established relationship...but should and are don't always match up...and if she approached him in a manner that was confrenational and innapropriate, it might be punishment... perhaps we could get a clearer picture if the OP would answer Squeakers questions.... I agree with you that it depends on how she approached him, and there's not enough information in the OP to say. Either way I hope for the best, for both of them.

Cyntilating -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 5:00:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty quote: ORIGINAL: toservez quote: ORIGINAL: Rover quote: ORIGINAL: SixFootMaster Takenpet, Have you talked to him about these changes? Don't jump to any conclusions, it could be anything at all causing it - but be open about your concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Invite him to talk to you about any stresses he is under, and what you can do to make his day easier. Only you really know the timbre and tone of your relationship, so only you are qualified to decide what to do about it. It could simply be depression or work stress. Just be open, honest, and gentle, and let him provide the answers you need (not us). SixFoot This reply is worth reading a second time. John Sorry this is classic dominant is always gets the benefit of the doubt so submissive must be wrong until proven not crap. The OP has clearly lined out things that have CHANGED in the relationship and not about what she is expecting something different or unrealistic. actually thats the "the rational person gets the benifit of the doubt and the over emotional, he's sleeping with the ex and if it doesn't work out with her he'll come sliming back to me, irrational assumtion might be wrong" response.... for all the OP knows, it could have aboslutely nothing to do with the ex...i read the same things from the OP as everyone else...and the only thing that i know for sure is...she doesn't know what's going on with her Master....so, how is assuming that the relationship has gone to shit and going from there going to help anything? to the OP...i agree with SFM and Rover.... edited to add: sometimes there are higher priorities to deal with than our already established relationships....in fact, isn't that one of the benifits of having an established relationship....that they can be sustained without that constant, overwhelming need for attention? hmmm {edited to add: sometimes there are higher priorities to deal with than our already established relationships....in fact, isn't that one of the benifits of having an established relationship....that they can be sustained without that constant, overwhelming need for attention? } prioritizing in the moment is one thing, but putting a significant relationship at the bottom of the list is another.. strong established relationships didnt get that way by "shutting a person off or down " .. how long does it take ( or how much effort while prioritizing) to say to your SO >>" Everything is fine, I do not want you to worry, WE are as strong as ever, I am just going through some things right now that need more attention from me. Be strong and trust in me and in who we are" . ?? takes a moment to do> accomplishes TONS. I don't see her asking him questions when she feels something is wrong is >> "overwhelming need for attention".. we ( those of us who read and contribute to these mssg boards) often tell other women " listen to your gut...follow your instincts...communicate your feelings always" then when someone does we call it " overwhelming neediness"...hmmmmmmmmmm only the OP can say whether she is nagging or asking. only the OP knows whether he has addressed her concerns well and she just isnt listening or cannot hear him well. those are questions she has to ask herself tho'... sadly, she cannot ask the one that has the answers to that question > him. good communication does not get tossed into the corner because our lives ramp up.... being punished because I care and am protective of what I love > makes little sense to me.. There are ways to protect and secure a relationship without having to heap attention on it..

tricia -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 5:48:13 AM)
I happen to have a Master who often spreads himself too thin. He’s forever looking out for everyone (including an ex). Sometimes I feel like a sacrificial lamb. Because I’m an emotionally charged person and often my own worse enemy – there are also times when I question whether I need to matter more in my relationship than I do. Depending on what is going on, there are times I hear from him everyday and see him often and other times when he calls once a week and I may not see him at all. Often during time when I need to know I’m still important – I opt to communicate via email. It gives me a chance to speak from the heart and say everything I want to say without interruption or that vulnerability I often feel when we are together. Often he calls immediately and other times he calls to say, “ I’m not going to discuss this with you right now but we’ll talk about it when we are together.” It might be two days. It might be five. quote: sometimes there are higher priorities to deal with than our already established relationships....in fact, isn't that one of the benifits of having an established relationship....that they can be sustained without that constant, overwhelming need for attention? While sometimes I lose sight of this – I couldn’t agree with it more. I also ask myself those questions MasterFireMaam mentioned. The conclusion I always come to is that I love him because of – not in spite of. And the answer to both of those questions is yes. This might not be the case for you. Surely, you owe it to yourself to ask the hard questions now. To get the clarity you need to make a good decision.

Dnomyar -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 7:03:39 AM)
I agree with CP. If he refuses to release you then just walk away. That is a way of being permanetly silent.

Celeste43 -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 7:13:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SixFootMaster I think it's fascinating how many submissives will just walk when the relationship hits a rocky patch, rather than try and work out and repair what is wrong. And I think it fascinating how many doms feel all the working it out must be done by the sub. It takes two to tango and ever since his ex returned he has shown no interest in working it out or repairing what is wrong. Assumption that the ex returning led to the non communication, sure. But if it was for any other reason, why wouldn't he have told her. The fact that he isn't saying this is work caused, this is because my mother was just diagnosed with cancer, this is because of x, y, or z. Why would he be afraid to give one such sentence? By not doing so, of course we make the jump that it is related to the ex. And the indefinite punishment of silence? Not saying he'll talk to her about it tomorrow but he'll never talk to her about it tells us that she hit the nail on the head. Or did you, when upset about work tell your sub you might or might not ever talk to her again? Please, be serious. That kind of vast overreaction to a question proves he is feeling guilty and therefore punishing her for his actions.

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