RE: Its all changed

RE: Its all changed (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 3:27:21 PM)
Hi Celeste We don't know what the problem is, and it literally could be anythig - perhaps he's been approached by an illegitimate child of his, perhaps someone he used to be with has been diagnosed HIV postive. Could be anything. The other thing we don't know is how she approached the matter - a man under stress has to be approached very neutrally, or there is a good chance he will react badly. It's my understanding that he has said pretty much "we will talk about this when im ready to talk about this, until then, shut up". If she came at him with questions "where were you? who was that on the phone? have you spoken to your ex since she got back in town?" he's definitely going to feel like a) she doesn't trust him, which is going to really make him upset, and b) she's interrogating him - which is going to annoy the hell out of him. Can you see what I mean when I say "we don't know enough" - we don't know anything about what specifically was asked, what he said when he responded to her (somehow I doubt he said "you will be silent for an indefinite period"), we don't really know anything. The only visible reason the ex even entered into this conversation is because of the OP's immediate insecurity now that she is back in town - it is HER suggesting that it has something to do with the ex, we've not been provided any evidence in any way in support of this. As I said, he might not even have spoken to her yet, heck we don't even know that he knows or knew at the time that she was back. On the basis of all this vague, indeterminate, unsubstantiated possibilities, the vast majority of the responses in this thead are "leave his ass".

catize -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 3:35:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SixFootMaster Are you unable to communicate without your voice? Semaphore? Smoke signal? Sign language? Billboard? Communication only occurs when there is a message sent AND a message received.

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 5:23:24 PM)
Yes, and body language is one of the most expressive and innately understood.

Celeste43 -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 7:01:01 PM)
Sorry SFM, I don't buy it. Takes less than a minute to say I've got a problem, not sure I want to talk about it yet, will get back to you in a few days. But that indefinite punishment of silence? Major red flag there. Maybe the ex isn't the problem, but his inability to communicate sure is one. And punishing her for being insecure won't teach her to trust him. So what we do know about him is that he can't or won't communicate, he uses abandonment (indefinite) as a club to coerce her, and he doesn't know how to earn trust only how to lose it. For those things alone she ought to take a good, hard look at how she picks partners, because she sure picked a doozy (sp) with this one.

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 7:14:54 PM)
So, rather than work through this, and then address the issue of communication once the pressure is off, you would walk?

fsub4use -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 7:23:09 PM)
how long is "the last while"? We have no idea what this guy is going through... we don't know how the OP approached him or how frequently. Relationships of all stripes need to be able to withstand pressure from outside. Sometimes people need a little space, but it doesn't mean they have walked (physically or emotionally). We need to support each other in this type of relationship as well... that said, here is the one that rubbed me the wrong way.... indefinite punishment of silence... this could be the result of her nagging (in which case he just needs a break already ) or his inability to face it (whatever it is) right now that she is challenging. Indefinite is one of those words best not to use if one can help it... you know, like never, always, forever, can't.... is it a needy sub or a distant dom - or something in the middle? whatever.... healthy relationships require communication.

Kirata -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 10:43:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TakenPet Master has over the last while changed a lot. He doesn't want to play with me anymore, at least not since his ex has moved back into town? We used to talk on a daily basis, now I am lucky to speak with him twice a week, and he never wants to play, just enjoy talking. Should I be as worried as I think? I have tried to discuss this with him, and he told me I was questioning him, and put me on indefinite punishment of silence? Any suggestions? It will be one thing to submit to his wants and please him even though his needs are different right now, to give your all and still lose him, and quite another thing to lose him because you wouldn't. Which memory would you prefer to live with? K.

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (11/1/2007 11:45:26 PM)
It could also be a mischaracterisation of what was said: "I'll talk to you when I'm ready", "Stop questioning me, we'll talk later" and so on. Indefiniate punishments are used when the desire is for the slave to prove, to demonstrate to satisfaction that her lesson has been learned. If you were nagging or interogating in your questions, it might be a suitable punishment to remind you that speech, and particularly, asking questions is - for a slave - a privelege, not a right. And Kirata hit the nail squarely, the situation may have changed, and that change is likely temporary but even if it is not, she has to decide if she - his slave - is going to bail because HE is not pleasing HER right now, when she should be focusing not on what is going on but being the most pleasing she can be even in this new situation. Obviously, if he had to punish her, then he felt she was not.

Squeakers -> RE: Its all changed (11/2/2007 4:35:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Celeste43 Sorry SFM, I don't buy it. Takes less than a minute to say I've got a problem, not sure I want to talk about it yet, will get back to you in a few days. But that indefinite punishment of silence? Major red flag there. Celeste based on the post, how do we know that he really said 'indefinite punishment of silence' It could have been simply, "silence'. That is sort of indefinate. Like I said, before I've been shut down really quickly when I was angry and out of control. And it was indefinite until he chose to bring the subject up again. Was it a punishment---maybe maybe not but I did learn real quick how to speak in a manner that was less emotional and not to raise my voice, and always always be respectful no matter how I felt. If that is a major red flag, I am sure as hell glad that no one ever told me and I chose to walk because I would have been losing a whole hell of a lot.

Celeste43 -> RE: Its all changed (11/2/2007 6:32:26 AM)
She tried to address the communication and was punished for doing so. It takes two people to work on a problem and only one of them is willing to do so. Seems to me he's already abandoned her. Should she wait six months for the ex to throw him over and then have him stroll back saying the punishment was over? Five years? He's already ended it but is too cowardly to be honest. I wouldn't have gotten involved with someone that immature to begin with. But I asked those kinds of questions in the beginning; how do you behave when angry, when was the last time you were angry, what caused it, what happened etc. People boast about telling their bosses off and walking out or passing someone on the road and then slamming their brakes. I find people with poor anger management skills will tell you everything you need to know in short order if you just pay attention. And I discussed abandonment also which he agreed he wasn't into for more than a short period of corner time or him saying he had to cool down and would talk to me in the morning. So if The Man suddenly went back on his word, refused to discuss the problem, and was spending a great deal of his time with his ex, which I would only know about if he kept telling me how much he was seeing her, yes I would rethink how healthy this relationship was for me.

laurell3 -> RE: Its all changed (11/2/2007 6:43:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kirata quote: ORIGINAL: TakenPet Master has over the last while changed a lot. He doesn't want to play with me anymore, at least not since his ex has moved back into town? We used to talk on a daily basis, now I am lucky to speak with him twice a week, and he never wants to play, just enjoy talking. Should I be as worried as I think? I have tried to discuss this with him, and he told me I was questioning him, and put me on indefinite punishment of silence? Any suggestions? It will be one thing to submit to his wants and please him even though his needs are different right now, to give your all and still lose him, and quite another thing to lose him because you wouldn't. Which memory would you prefer to live with? K. Without all the banter, here's the rather succinct truth. Great post Kirata. When you have to decided to finally walk away, it's always good to do so with either the realization that it was something that was so insurmountable that you couldn't work it out (ie: true abuse) or that you did the very best you could. That doesn't mean sacrificing what you truly need. It does mean going out of your way to drop your fear, anger, pride etc. to communicate those needs. Now whether either of these things are happening in this situation, we just don't know, but it is good advice.

SixFootMaster -> RE: Its all changed (11/3/2007 2:44:08 AM)
Whoa steady on there! We don't even know that he has so much as spoken to his ex, or that he even knows she is back in town - and you're accusing him of spending too much time with her. You're talking about something as true without any indication that it is. There is a vast difference between what we know about this situation and the situation you are describing.

Vanatru -> RE: Its all changed (11/3/2007 10:10:49 AM)
SFM, or it could be the person you are responding to feels compelled to rationalize their involvement in drama. (since I'm not sure who you are responding to in your last reply)

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125